Trust In Us
by JennBenson
Summary: What if Olivia Benson and Ed Tucker began their relationship a bit earlier than portrayed on the show? What if Ed was there from the beginning with Noah? What about their lives would unfold differently? How well would they be able to blend their families? Would they even be able to last? This story explores those questions, and perhaps a few more.
1. Chapter 1

_**A while back, I posted a one-shot titled "Aftermath" in a series titled "Precious Moments." I mentioned then that it had the potential to turn into something more. Well, 87 years later perhaps it has done so. Reading that one-shot isn't 100% necessary to begin this story, but I feel it sets the stage. Feel free to go back. Or not. Your call.**_

_**This story explores the idea of Tuckson slowly starting their relationship a bit earlier than on the show...post-Lewis and pre-Noah. While I have a vague outline of where it will go, I imagine it will evolve on its own - whether with a few chapters or with many. I also don't anticipate it following the show too closely, though I may incorporate a few storylines along the way. I'll also be taking my own liberties, so if you are one to need a fic that strictly follows the show timeline, well, sorry. This will be a new Tuckson universe for us to enter and I hope you enjoy.**_

**Chapter 1**

Olivia stood in front of the desk downstairs at the social services building. Noah was securely gripped against her chest and she swayed gently back and forth, humming so softly she barely realized she was doing it. Eyeing the lady in front of her producing the necessary custody forms that had been signed and sealed by Judge Linden, Olivia began to feel the reality of what had just transpired.

_"__Detective Benson…would you be interested in being a foster parent to this child?"_

Ever since those words had been muttered, Olivia felt like she was walking on air. From the time she nodded and saw the paperwork start, to when she walked into the play area where Noah was and scooped him up, sitting in a rocking chair and allowing herself to hold him, smell his baby scent, and come to terms with the fact she was taking him home, she was floating. Now she stood, gripping a little boy who was now completely dependent on her, and as her copies of the paperwork were slid into an envelope and handed over, an unfamiliar sense of panic ran through her veins. She had nothing at home. No blankets, toys, food…for her or a baby. There was no place for him to sleep. No diapers. Her heart rate began to spend up and before she could stop herself, she slid her phone from her pocket and fired off a text to the first person she could think of that may be willing to help. Slipping her phone back without waiting for a response, she took a deep breath.

"I…uh…" she stammered, trying desperately to appear under control out of fear they would quickly change their minds and take Noah from her right then and there. "Is there…does he have anything? Toys? Clothes?"

"Of course," the elderly lady said, coming around the desk and reaching into a nearby cabinet space. "This bag has a few of his favorite things, including a red blanket he likes to sleep with." She handed that over and Olivia slung it over her shoulder, thinking that was it, but the lady gestured for Olivia to follower her down the hallway. She produced an old, worn diaper bag. "In here you'll find some formula and a few jars of baby food, though he seems pretty adverse to trying it. Sorry we don't have any baby cereal to spare." The woman spoke quickly, almost as if she was ticking off a checklist in her head. "There's also a small supply of diapers for him and a couple of outfits. Andrew will be out front with a carseat for your ride home, unless you plan to take transit?"

Olivia, slightly bewildered, looked at the bags then down at Noah, quickly making her decision. "No, we'll take a cab." She glanced at the lady's name badge, chastising herself for not looking before. "Thank you, Linda. Thank you…so much."

Linda walked her to the door, introduced her to Andrew, patted Noah on the back and gently squeezed Olivia's arm. "This is the best part of this job…watching the lucky babies go home with someone like yourself. You take care of that little boy, Detective."

"I promise," Olivia said, making eye contact with Linda before turning and heading out the door. Realizing quickly she had no free hands to call an Uber, she stepped towards the curb but Andrew held her back.

"I'll hail one, ma'am," he said kindly, one arm holding what looked to be a slightly out-dated seat.

_Is that even safe_ Olivia thought to herself, but shook it off. Her apartment wasn't far. Andrew successfully flagged down a cab and Olivia, with Noah and all of the bags, made her way to the car. The driver, seemingly impatient, drummed against the steering wheel as Andrew struggled to get the carseat buckled in. Worried he wasn't doing it right, but having no real way of knowing, Olivia bit her lip and hugged Noah more tightly to her body. She swayed back and forth, the bags knocking against her legs, but she didn't care. Pressing her lips to Noah's ear she whispered, "We're going home, sweet boy. It's okay. We're going home."

* * *

Hours after she first arrived at the facility to pick up Noah, the cab finally screeched to a halt in front of Olivia's building. She had a death grip on Noah's carseat the entire ride as the driver, who was either mad at how long they took to load, or just a reckless driver, flew and weaved through traffic as they zoomed uptown. Breathing a sigh of relief, Olivia quickly searched for her wallet in the midst of all the bags she now had in the backseat of the cab. Beginning to get worked up as the driver mumbled some choice words, she could feel her panic turn into burning tears in her eyes. Her life had changed drastically in a matter of hours and she was feeling like she couldn't keep it together. Just as she was getting ready to snap at the driver, a knock on the passenger side window startled her. Olivia lifted her head and felt her entire body relax, a smile growing on her face.

"Here, lemme take care of this," a gruff voice said, handing the driver a wad of cash before opening the back door and grinning down at the little boy, happily sucking his fist and blissfully unaware of the stressful transition he was experiencing. "How about we get ya outta this thing, little man."

Olivia marveled, watching the man seamlessly lift Noah from the carseat, place him on his hip, and with one hand release the carseat from the belt and head to the front of her building. Grabbing the rest of the bags, Olivia mumbled a sarcastic thank you to the driver before closing the door with her hip and making her way to where Ed Tucker stood, Noah in his arms as he looked around his new surroundings. Before she had a chance to thank him, she noticed he was surrounded by a few boxes.

"Ed..what did you do?"

He grinned at her. "Ah, a friend had a few things in storage from their last kid. He helped me bring them over, ya know, just until you find the stuff you want. Hope ya don't mind…"

Olivia stood slack-jawed, but her body began to relax. "I…I don't mind at all. That was just…quick."

Ed just shrugged, ignoring her comment at how quickly he scrambled to pull this off. "Good," he said, a teasing grin forming on his face. "Well, ya gonna invite me upstairs?"

Olivia let out a laugh and finally signaled at her doorman that she was ready. He came out with a cart, helped them load up, and Olivia took Noah from Ed. She snuggled him against her neck and whispered to him on the way up. Ed, a semi-frequent visitor to Olivia Benson's apartment these days expertly grabbed her keys from the compartment in her purse, opened the door, and allowed her and Noah to walk in ahead of him, busying himself unloading the cart and giving them a few minutes to themselves.

"Welcome home, Noah," she whispered, trying to push the returning burn of tears down. "Welcome home."

* * *

Olivia came out of the backroom, Noah bathed and his hair was sticking straight up from being towel dried. He wore pajamas that had faded in color and appeared slightly too big for the little guy, but Noah didn't seem to mind. He kept his hand in his mouth, but rested his head against Olivia's neck, seemingly content so far in his new surroundings.

"Almost done," Ed grunted from behind a wooden crib. He had moved the coffee table over and it was littered with tools, but Olivia didn't mind. The crib looked perfectly safe and complete to her, and Ed's arms flexed as he turned the last of the screws tightly in.

_I don't mind this view,_ she thought to herself, before shaking her head at herself. _Get it together_,_ Benson._

"It looks…great," she whispered, moving around and sitting on the couch with Noah. "Noah, look at your new bed that Ed put together! It's going to be so cozy."

The little boy showed no interest and cuddled further into Olivia, still not sure what to make of the new apartment. Ed wiped residual sweat from his forehead and stood up.

"Done." he exclaimed proudly. "Where ya want it?"

Olivia bit her lip, looking around a little bit. "Um…well…"

Ed could tell she had no idea where the little boy should sleep, so he offered some advice, hoping he wasn't overstepping.

"I think my kids slept in the room with my ex and I for the first three or four months. But some babies stay in their parents' room until they are almost one…I think. There's no wrong decision here, Liv."

She smiled at him, realizing she was currently in over her head and having someone who had raised, or helped to raise two children would come in handy.

"Okay," she whispered. "My room for now. In case he's scared these first few nights…"

"You got it," Ed said. Olivia began to get up but he shook his head. "Unless you want to direct me where things should go, you can stay put with little guy and I'll get you all set up."

Olivia, once again finding herself stunned at the day, merely nodded and sat back, listening to the sounds of Ed moving around furniture, trying to stifle his grunts which made her chuckle. Ever since she ran into Ed at the bar all those months ago, they had kept in semi-regular contact. In fact, surprising both Ed and herself, she had been the first one to instigate another drink. It started slow, just some shop talk as they complained about cases or impossible coworkers. Eventually, as Ed felt their trust in each other grow, he took her to a nice dinner and finally gave her a long, overdue apology for how he had treated her through the years. Olivia remembered how pained his face was, his remorseful tone, how he explained his lack of trust in anyone, but how it was no excuse to take it out on her. She had eventually interrupted him by grasping his hand and kissing it.

_"__Ed, I forgive you," she whispered. "You don't need forgiveness, because you were just doing your job, but I do…I forgave you a while ago."_

_"__Liv…" he began, trying to formulate his next thoughts. "I…I enjoy spendin' time with you."_

Olivia smiled, remembering how cute he looked as he admitted that last statement. They were developing a trust. It was slow. They were both still incredibly cautious. But it was building, and Olivia was tired of fighting it. Ed continued to prove himself trust worthy, and as she heard him mutter _"there, perfect_" from back in her bedroom, her trust in him grew even more.

Holding Noah tighter against her body, she pressed her lips against his cheek and took a deep breath. "Well sweet boy," she said, "it may not be perfect just yet…it may never be perfect…but you're gonna be just fine."

* * *

Several hours later, Olivia came out of her bedroom, left the door open just a crack and wandered back out into the living room. Noah was, for the time being, sleeping peacefully in his new bed, the old red blanket by his side. Ed had busied himself trying to put away some of the newly bought things she had sent him out for that evening, as well as sorting through the bag that came along with Noah.

"I didn't know if you wanted to keep any of this," he said, gesturing to a basket he had put all of the worn down toys, "I put it all here, so you had some kind of organization happening. And you can decide down the road…or never."

Olivia hugged her arms around her torso and smiled softly at Ed. The day had been overwhelming, to say the least, and she could have easily gotten home and felt nothing but stress and terror at having nothing ready for this little boy who was now in her care. She could've had to drag him back out to get bedding, toys, and diapers, but she didn't. As soon as she sent that brief, panicked text to Ed Tucker, he was there. In fact, he was more than there. He made it seem…easy. Effortless. She knew she had an uphill battle, and in the back of her mind she kept reminding herself that Noah being in her care may likely be temporary. She shuddered at the thought and shoved it aside for now.

"Ed…" she muttered, moving around the couch and grabbing his hands, helping him up off the floor. "I…thank you. Thank you for all of this."

Her voice cracked slightly, but she cleared her throat, steadying her emotions.

"You don't have to thank me, Liv," he whispered, boldly moving his hand to brush away a strand of hair that had fallen loose from her messy bun. "You don't have to do this alone."

Olivia smiled softly, her head leaning into his touch. Her body began to relax and she suddenly became aware of how exhausted she was. Stifling a yawn she backed away and looked towards the kitchen. "I, well, do you want a drink?"

Ed shook his head and leaned over to grab his jacket. "Nah," he said, his blue eyes softening as he studied her face. "You are exhausted, and I don't imagine little man will sleep through the night. So I'm gonna go. You get in bed, sleep while you can."

"Thank you," she whispered, following him to the door. As he opened it and walked out, Ed turned back to look at her. Olivia rested her head against the door and just grinned sleepily at him. "Talk to you tomorrow?" she asked, suddenly nervous and wondering if she shouldn't have made that comment. Ed smirked and leaned in, sweetly kissing cheek a couple of times.

"Whenever you want," he whispered. "_Whatever_ you want."

Olivia watched as he disappeared into the elevator before closing the door and locking up. She slowly wandered into her living room, looking around at the lack of clutter she expected to see. Inhaling deeply through her nose, she could detect a faint hint of Ed's cologne, now mixed with a sweet baby smell. Her smile continued to grow as Olivia moved through, cutting off all lights except the one above the stove, and made her way into her bedroom.

"Sweet Noah," she whispered, leaning over his crib and watching him breathe, a slight nasal sound coming with each inhale, but no less comforting to Olivia. She leaned over, kissed his nose and lightly ran her finger along his cheek. "Sleep tight, baby boy. I'll be right here if you need me."

Crawling into bed, Olivia felt all of her muscles scream with relief as she let herself fall against her pillows and pull up her comforter. Exhausted, she tried to close her eyes but her mind was racing. The day was overwhelming, but was also perfect. Shuddering, Olivia tried to ward off the anxiety that began to rush over her, warning her this could all be temporary. Ed could be temporary. Noah could be temporary. Rolling over and taking a deep breath, she quelled those thought for the time being, allowing her body to finally rest thinking that perhaps, this time, it could be permanent.

* * *

**_Well, are you in?_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Ed could hear Noah's cries from outside of Olivia's apartment door. Not having a key, but unsure if she heard his knock over the baby's wails, he moved to knock a little bit harder before he heard the jiggling of the locks as his knuckles were about to make contact. The door swung open and he had to stop his jaw from dropping at how disheveled Olivia appeared. Though no less gorgeous, her hair was half falling out of a bun, her worn pink colored t-shirt had what seemed to be spit up stains down the front, and one of the sleeves hung off her shoulder revealing a gray cotton, lacy bra strap. In any other circumstance, Ed would tease her. But the exhaustion and frustration on her face made him quickly forget her appearance and go into "helper" mode.

"I brought food," he said simply, holding up a bag of take-out.

"Thank you," Olivia gushed, hurrying him into the apartment and kicking aside rattles, dirty burp cloths, and squeaking toys so he didn't trip. "Though, it's possible you'll want to drop it and run." Her tone was sarcastic, but had a hint of truth to it.

Ed placed the bags on the counter and turned around to survey the place. Olivia had gone over and lifted Noah from his play pen. The little guy's face was red and puffy, saturated with tears as he hiccuped into Olivia's shoulder. He watched as she swayed back and forth, patting his back. "You're okay, baby. Shhh shhh."

Ed scratched his neck, not quite sure what to do. Noah had been with Olivia for a few weeks now and Ed was a regular visitor, usually coming over once a week for dinner and spending a few hours with them on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon when he wasn't working. He did his best to give Olivia space to get used to being a new mother or, technically, foster mother, but the more time they spent together, Ed desperately wanted even more. He got the same sense from Olivia, but she would often suppress it rather than give in. Ed was patient. He knew, with her, he had to be patient and let her go at her own pace. Plus, her life had been one large rollercoaster over the last year or two. She needed time. But despite that truth, she also appeared to want him around.

"I thought maybe he was teething," she explained, her voice slightly strained. "But he doesn't seem to want any of the things all those stupid books tell me to give him for teething…"

She paused to nuzzle Noah's cheek again. "Please, baby boy, it's okay. I'm right here. Calm down."

The cries gradually turned to whimpers, but Ed took note of how congested he sounded beyond the normal post-cry congestion.

"Liv, uh," he said, rubbing his chin. "Ya think it's another sinus infection?"

Olivia bit her lip and shrugged. "Possibly," she said. "You've have had a rough go, haven't you Noah?"

Ed smiled. Watching Olivia Benson as a mother was beautiful. Poetic. And so deserved. Ed, too, had to shove down the thoughts that it could all be temporary. "Wanna call the pediatrician, or wait this one out?"

Olivia hesitated. She refused to be one of those mothers who called with every strange noise her child made. But with Noah, he had actual health issues. She was well aware that even the simplest of colds or infections could turn serious. Olivia had kept him with the same pediatrician he had been with for continuity, at least for the time being. At his last checkup, and the first in which Olivia was the main caregiver, the doctor commended his growth and overall health but noted that his lungs were still slightly congested from his last infection.

_"__He still shows signs of delayed lung development, low immunity, and a tendency for asthmatic reactions" the doctor explained, "but this is as healthy as I've seen him. Just don't let your guard down."_

"Let's just…see how the night goes," Olivia said. "See if he will eat." She passed the baby over to Ed, who immediately checked his gums for potential teething. While he inspected, Olivia dug through the take-out bags. "God I'm hungry," she exclaimed. "I'm not sure…well…I haven't eaten anything all day."

Grabbing plates and silverware, she made quick work setting them up at the counter to eat. Once it was all set and ready, she took Noah and set him in his walker, turning on a few of the toys. Olivia had no sooner sat down and opened the lid to her dinner than Noah let out a loud wail, his arms reaching for her and his face scrunched up into a pathetic pout. Groaning, Olivia let her forehead hit the counter before throwing her napkin down and getting up. She grabbed Noah and cradled him a little bit, swaying back and forth. "Okay, sweet boy, okay. I know you're upset. But I really really need to eat…can you just…ten minutes, Noah. It's all I need."

Ed, having yet to touch his food, stood up to look for the baby carrier Olivia purchased for when she ran errands. As he scanned the room for the item, he finally took in the disarray of the place. _Things must have been rough the last few days_ he thought, beating himself up a little for not checking in more often. Finally seeing the carrier, he went over, adjusted the straps and buckled it around his shoulders and torso.

"Come here, big guy," he whispered, taking the baby from Olivia. He didn't ask, but she gave him over without protest. Ed got him fixed into the carrier and against his chest, before reaching for the red blanket and softly rubbing it against his little cheeks. Slowly Noah began to calm, taking more normal breaths. After a few baby sighs, he seemed perfectly content. Olivia admired the scene, her arms crossed in front of her body, and a grin on her face.

"Never woulda pegged you for a baby whisperer, Ed Tucker," she said teasingly, her mouth contorting into a smirk but her eyes a dead give away at her exhaustion.

"I'm a man of many hidden talents," he quipped back. "Listen, I'll cover the food up and put it in the oven so it stays warm. Why don't you go take a bath or shower, get a few minutes of rest or whatever. I'll hang out here with Noah. And we can eat whenever he goes to sleep, or…well…just whenever."

Olivia ducked her head, but kept an eye on Ed. She should be used to it by now, Ed coming over and playing with Noah, taking them to the park, or just mundanely running errands for her, but something about him standing in front of her with Noah strapped to his chest melted her a tiny bit.

"I…" she stammered a bit, not wanting him to feel obligated to keep Noah, but knowing he wouldn't offer if he wasn't sincere. Plus, she desperately needed a shower. "Thank you…I won't be long."

"Take your time," he whispered. "We'll just have us some male-bonding time."

Rolling her eyes, Olivia kissed Ed's cheek before making her way back to her room and closing the door. Hearing the shower water run, Ed let out a breath and looked around the place.

"Alright No, ya gonna help me clean this place up or what?"

* * *

Three hours later, Ed and Olivia finally slogged to the couch with their take-out. Officially ditching the idea of using plates and proper utensils, they dug through the bags for plastic-ware and passed the containers back and forth, sharing the different entrees they ordered. They ate in silence for several minutes before Olivia let out a deep sigh and placed the white plastic bowl on the coffee table, halfway putting the lid on top of it.

"Ya alright?" Ed asked, following suit with his container. He pushed them over to one side and propped his feet up, snaking his arm across the couch and behind Olivia's back.

"I'm just…tired," she said, curling her knees up into her chest but allowing her cheek to rest on Ed's forearm.

"Not easy…bein' a new mom," he said before he could stop himself. They had both been cautious to not use the term "mom" just yet, even though all signs were pointing towards a clear adoption path for Olivia and Noah. "Sorry…" he muttered, unsure how to fix his blunder.

"It's okay," Olivia said, almost with a laugh. "I've…done it myself a few times." She shifted a little bit, leaning back against the arm, but moving her hand to grasp Ed's, which was still resting on the back of the cushion. "I'm just so afraid that it'll…not work out."

Ed listened intently, not taking his eyes off of hers as he watched her fight the tears. Gripping her hand more tightly in his, he offered nothing but listening ears.

"When Calvin…" she began, but shook her head, clearly not in a place to rehash that story. Though Ed knew details of how the boy was taken from her, he wasn't sure he realized until the look on her face in that moment how attached she had been. "I just don't think I can do that again…not with Noah. Not this time…" she whispered, a lone tear making it's way down her cheek.

Olivia's shoulders began to shake and that was all Ed could take. He took his arm down and scooted his body closer to hers. Cupping her face with his hands, he wiped a few tears away, kissed her forehead, and pulled her into his chest.

"I'm right here, Liv," he whispered. "Noah's right here. And for right now…everything's just fine."

* * *

It was pushing midnight. Ed and Olivia were still on her couch, only this time they were laughing. Olivia confessed to Ed that she made a Duane Read run for more diapers and because she had Noah's carrier strapped on, she didn't realize her shirt was on backwards and inside out until she got home and realized Noah was chewing on the tag.

"No wonder that clerk kept looking at me funny," she said in between chuckles. Ed just shook his head, the skin around his eyes crinkling a little as he laughed along with her and offered his on anecdote.

"Ah, I remember once I was coming in from grabbing a few things. I had Emma in her carrier, Nate had run ahead to push the elevator button. All of a sudden Nate erupted into laughter. I couldn't figure out why until I looked down and realized with every step I took, the bag of paper towels was hitting the side of Emma's face. Her little nose and mouth were all scrunched up and she was giving me this look of 'what the hell, dad.'"

Olivia had to dab the tears from the laughter off of her face. "Poor baby," she said.

"Really," Ed gruffed. "Her big brother was no help either. It's a wonder she survived childhood."

The room grew quiet as the adults calmed down from their laughter. Olivia reached out to stroke Ed's upper arm. "When's the last time you saw them?"

"Ah, Nate was here a little over a month ago," he recalled.

"Oh, that's right," Olivia murmured. She remembered wondering if she would end up meeting Ed's oldest and feeling a slight disappointment when she wasn't extended the offer, but at that point she wasn't quite sure her and Ed were headed towards something more serious. Ever since she brought Noah home, that had shifted and they both seemed to be on the same page: wanting to make it work, however slow they had to go.

"He brought a couple of friends for a post-graduation trip. I didn't see them all that much, but we had a couple of barbecues on my building's roof," he mused, interrupting Olivia's inner thoughts. "I'll take what I can get."

"Mmmmm," Olivia twisted her lips. "He was, what, fifteen when they moved to California?"

"Sixteen. Emma was two months shy of fifteen."

"Rough ages to move."

"Yeah," Ed scoffed. "No kidding. Their mom and I, well, we had been split up for almost twelve years at that point. I just remember Emma begging Suzanne not to move," he said, his face dropping at the memory. "Begging me, her mother, anyone who would listen. I tried for full custody, but given the hours of my job, well, you'd think the courts woulda listened to her..." Ed trailed off, swallowing hard before continuing. "Nate coulda stayed, but Emma was told she had to go with Suzanne, so he went as well. Joint custody my ass."

They both paused. Olivia wasn't sure if she struck a nerve with Ed. He had always been open about his relationship with his kids, how the divorce and the move unfolded, and how he wished they were closer. He would share stories and pictures, but would also lament how they didn't seem to visit enough, and he was never sure where he fit in their West Coast lives. It was the tone in which he spoke this time that struck Olivia and helped her see just how much he had missed his kids over the last two years. It only served to further humanize the gruff, tough-as-nails Ed Tucker in her eyes and she wanted nothing more than for that to continue.

"I just assumed that I'd see them more. I make as many trips as I can but I miss out on a lot. Can't help but feel as if I just let 'em down constantly."

Olivia kept her grip on Ed's arm and leaned over to catch his eyes. "You're a good dad," she said softly. "And they know that."

Ed took a deep breath and shook his head a little. "Sorry, didn't mean to hijack the conversation," he let out his breath, a small smile returning to his face as he reached out to brush against Olivia's cheek.

"I want you to talk to me, Ed," she said. "I don't know…what exactly is happening here. But I do know that the support goes both ways. If you wanna be here, which I hope you do, then I want you here, and all that comes with you."

"I think you know I wanna be here, Liv," he whispered, twirling a strand of her hair around his fingers. "And I want all that comes with you, too."

The pair let their admission sit in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable, it was just the opposite: a realization that they still wanted the same thing. Ed leaned forward and gave Olivia a soft kiss, backing away slowly but keeping his eyes on hers. She offered him a smile and went back to resting her head on his arm. Correctly sensing she wanted him to keep talking, he continued with a more lighthearted conversation.

"I'm gonna head to San Francisco in a few weeks. Help Nate get moved into his dorm since Suzanne is traveling. Emma's gonna come too. We'll spend the week together, get him set up, then I'll head back here and Emma will…well, go back to L.A." His voice seemed full of life when he spoke about his trip, but it trailed off when he mentioned his daughter retuning to Los Angeles. Olivia could also see a hint of trepidation about how she would react given how much time they had been spending together. But he should've known better.

"Good," she said. "I think you all need that. We'll be just fine here," she assured him. "But Noah may want you to bring him back a present or two…"

Ed smirked and leaned forward, his lips meeting Olivia's in another light, but this time playful kiss.

"I bet I can manage that. Ya gonna be okay without your baby whisperer?" Ed's eyes were teasing as he kept his nose against hers, nuzzling her a bit.

"Oh, I suppose we'll make it," she responded. Suddenly uninterested in talking, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to Ed's, holding his head to hers with both hands. "Mmmmm," she moaned, kissing him some more until he was on his back, her hair hanging down from her face and tickling his cheekbones. After coming up for air, she looked down at the Ed, who had his eyes closed and his lips puckered, waiting for more. She brushed his lips with her fingertips and chuckled as he let out a disappointed groan. "I wish you could stay, but…"

"You have a baby in your room?"

One of the largest smiles Ed had ever seen grew on Olivia's face, causing his heart to nearly burst with joy. "I have a baby in my room…"

"Pretty good excuse there, Benson."

They both shared a chuckle as Olivia sat up, ran her fingers through her hair and licked her lips. Her face, though still smiling, held a hint of regret immediately causing Ed to get serious. "You know that's not why I'm here, Olivia, right? I mean…not that I don't enjoy…ya know…"

She grinned, watching him awkwardly struggle a bit as he tried to figure out how to tell her that he liked sleeping with her but that it wasn't his main objective. She finally let him off the hook. "I know, Ed. And I hope…well, I hope that we will figure this out together, when you're back."

"Absolutely," he said, his blue eyes piercing hers, making sure she understood how serious he was.

"Just, ya know, make sure you actually come back."

"Oh don't you worry about that, Olivia Benson."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Ed strolled his way out of the terminal at LAX and squinted at the monitors telling him where to find his bag. Not one to typically check luggage, Ed was already annoyed, but trying to find his flight among the plethora of options in a busy Los Angeles airport made it worse. Finally spotting his flight number and carousel, he secured his carry-on to his shoulder and made his way towards baggage claim. On the way, he felt his phone vibrate and smiled, sliding it out of his pocket.

"Hey, Liv," he said, barely having to glance at his phone to notice her smiling face pressed against Noah's. He set that particular shot as her caller ID picture a couple of months ago after a trip to the Central Park Zoo.

"Hey," she breathed. "How was the flight?"

"Not bad. Cleaned out my email," he reported before scrunching his face up. "The bourbon was terrible." Olivia let out a chuckle which made Ed smile a little more before continuing the conversation. "What are you up do?

"Filling out this authorization for the new pediatrician and Noah's shots," she reported, scrutinizing the information she had already put down.

"I'm surprised you switched over."

"I did a little digging," she admitted which caused Ed to grin. He had known deep down that she wasn't too fond of the doctor Noah had been using, but was reluctant to switch. She had claimed it was for continuity, but he suspected that another reason was she was afraid that finding Noah a new pediatrician would further strengthen Olivia's bond to him, making it even more excruciating if for some reason the little boy was taken from her. "She's supposed to be excellent," Olivia continued, snapping Ed out of his worst-case-scenario thoughts. "We'll give it a chance."

Ed fidgeted as he arrived at the carousel. Talking to Olivia relieved his impatience at the airport, but despite working to only focus on her voice, the place was busy, loud, and his eyes couldn't help but dart around. "You'll let me know how it goes?"

Olivia paused, causing Ed some anxiety. Had he crossed a line too soon?

"Liv?"

"Oh, sorry, got caught up in one of these questions," she said quickly, correctly sensing his worry and soothing it. "Of course I will" Her voice was warm, instantly soothing Ed's worry.

"Good." Just as Ed was about to open his mouth, he heard a loud, familiar behind him.

"DAD!"

Spinning around, phone still to his ear, Ed saw an enthusiastic Emma, bounding towards him from the automatic doors into the terminal. Her smile was bright and her ponytail was bouncing everywhere as she zig-zagged through the crowd.

"Liv, I gotta run," he said quickly, feeling badly for the abrupt ending but elated and surprised at the greeting.

"Go," she said, and he could almost hear her smiling. "Have fun. Be safe. Call us later."

"I will," he said, hitting end and sliding his phone back into his jeans pocket. "Hey sweetheart."

"Hi Dad," Emma said breathlessly, wrapping Ed in a tight hug and patting his back. He held her there for a few minutes before the blaring of the buzzer signaling his luggage would be arriving soon startled them both. "Did you bring Nate's jacket?" His eldest had left his semi-warm rain jacket in New York when he visited back in March, forgot it again in May, and realizing he might want it in San Francisco requested that Ed bring it with him when he visited.

"Why do you think I had to check my bag," he grumbled, keeping his arm around Emma's shoulders and looking for his suitcase. "How'd you even get here? And…is your hair lighter?"

"I got highlights," she reported simply. "And I Uber'd."

Ed smirked and eyed Emma out of the corner of his eyes. "What's an Uber?" he asked in a teasing tone.

"Dad," Emma said with a sigh, rolling her eyes. Ed just laughed and pulled her tighter. "You're such a dork."

* * *

The elevator dinged as Fin and Olivia stepped off, having returned from Tribeca Academy ahead of Carisi and Rollins.

"This is gonna be a mess," Fin mumbled, bypassing his desk and decidedly making himself comfortable in Benson's office instead. She dropped her bag and went to power up her laptop. Feeling a little out of sorts, she immediately stood back up and took the three steps over to her coffee station.

"Caffeine?" She asked simply. Fin nodded and she turned back around, not saying much.

"Ya alright, Liv?"

"I'm fine," she reported softly, adding the appropriate amount of sugar and cream to her cup, still waiting for the coffee to brew. "But you're right," she admitted. "This will be messy."

"Glad I wasn't a teenager with all this technology," he noted. "It's all so gray. How do you find the line between kids messing up, letting them learn from it, and moving on and kids messing up, but they learn from it within the legal system?"

Olivia handed him a full mug and moved back around to sit at her desk, pushing her laptop aside and staring into her coffee cup.

"I wish I knew," she replied. "But we have to do our jobs."

Fin didn't say anything for a while. Olivia reached over to check her phone, a small smile forming on her face as she noticed a message from Ed. Opening it up, she found two pictures: one of the Pacific Ocean, seemingly from some kind of cliff, and the other was a selfie of him with his kids.

"That Tucker?" Fin asked, his voice half teasing and half biting.

"It is. He's in California," she allowed, further studying the pictures and mumbling, "They all have the same face…"

"Liv, I still don't get it," Fin finally said exasperatedly. "Tucker almost ruined your career."

Olivia just shrugged. "People change. He was just doing his job."

"He didn't have to be a jackass, though," Fin said in an almost resentful tone. Olivia's eyes snapped up from her phone and narrowed at her detective and long time friend. "Once a jackass…"

"Hey," Olivia snapped, interrupting Fin mid sentence. "Have you ever thought about why he may have been that way?"

Fin scrunched up his face. "Why would I do that? Aw, don't go excusing his shit, Liv."

"Did it ever occur to you that he was just doing his job? Following evidence, just like we do? That his job and other things such as a divorce, his kids moving across the country, and a bunch of dumbass NYPD cops making the rest of us look bad might have hardened him? How many cases do we see daily? How many times are we sure we are in the right, but actually we get it all wrong? How often do you go home, jaded and frustrated? You think we're the only ones?"

Fin fidgeted under the glare of his boss. He had clearly struck a nerve, but at the same time he had been wanting to get a little perspective on this budding relationship. There was a protective nature to his feelings about Olivia, and Ed Tucker, in his mind, had always meant heart ache and trouble for his friend. He had to admit she had a point, but he wasn't quite ready to sign off.

"Maybe you can ease up on him," she retorted. "People are the way they are for a reason…most of the time, at least. We all have our own shit, Fin. Ed has had my back for a few months now, even a little longer when I really think about it. And he hasn't faltered. Not once."

Narrowing his eyes, Fin stared at Olivia for a little while. "You keepin' him around?"

Olivia shrugged, picking up her phone and looking at the pictures again to try and erase the burst of anger she just released.

"I hope so."

* * *

Later that night, Olivia was turning out the lights around the apartment. Barefoot, she padded around decluttering a little before deciding she could do it later and retreating to her room. Falling into bed, she peered over at Noah's crib as she stretched out. Olivia tried for over an hour to fall asleep and when she couldn't, rolled over, grabbed her phone which was plugged in sitting on her nightstand, and shot Ed a text message. A few minutes later, his face popped up on caller ID and she smiled. Ed only resorted to text when they were working. If he was given any chance to hear her voice, instead of read her thoughts digitally, he would take it.

"Hey," she said softly, making her way back out of her bedroom. Olivia curled up on the couch, covered her legs with a blanket, and put the phone on speaker. "What are you up to?"

"Just finished dinner," he reported. "I'm back at the hotel now. Kids are here, insisting on a few card games before they head home."

"Oh," she said, slightly disappointed that their conversation may not last but trying not to let it come through in her tone. "I didn't meant to interrupt."

"You're never interrupting me, Olivia Benson," he said plainly, sensing she had a need to hear his voice. It was one of his new favorite feelings, realizing that Olivia Benson was slowly allowing herself to want him around. "As much as I missed their bickering, I don't mind a short break. Especially if that break includes being able to talk to you."

Olivia chuckled and laid her head down on the arm of the couch. "Leaving for San Francisco tomorrow?"

"Yep," he said. "Driving solo in the U-Haul, as Emma refuses to ride with me. Apparently Nate is a less aggressive driver."

"Poor baby" she lamented, feeling her eyes grow heavy as she listened to Ed's voice. It was steady, firm yet soft, and just what she needed to finally let her body relax.

"Yeah," he said, then continued on telling her about their day and their plans for the days ahead. Ed eventually heard her breathing even out slightly, signaling she was ready to drift off. "Getting sleepy?"

"A little." Olivia stifled a yawn and heard Ed snicker.

"Go to sleep, Olivia," he whispered. She could picture his face, eyes matching his voice as he softly encouraged her to rest. "I'll check in tomorrow."

"Okay," she responding, another yawn taking over. "G'night, Ed."

Olivia hung up the phone and settled down on the couch, her exhaustion finally winning over. She didn't want to move for fear of waking herself back up, but also because she found her empty bed to be disappointing. She and Ed hadn't been sleeping together often, but for some reason his recent absence deeply affected her. Olivia missed him, and her last thought before she drifted off was how she wished she could get Noah a room of his own before Ed returned.

* * *

"And who was that?" Emma asked, her eyes sparkling as she ribbed her father. Nate just shook his head, shuffling a deck of cards at the small table in Ed's hotel suite.

Ed sat down, took a sip of his root beer, and cleared his throat. "It was Olivia."

Emma smirked, one almost identical to Ed's, and she elbowed him. "Been talking to her a lot, haven't ya?"

"Define 'a lot'," he mumbled, clearly uncomfortable with being questioned by his youngest.

"Oh come on, Dad," she said. "Admit you have a girlfriend."

Ed said nothing.

"Well? Are you going to tell us anything other than her name is Olivia and she's NYPD?"

Ed shifted, cleared his throat, and played with the coaster that his beverage sat on. "Her name is Olivia and she's NYPD," he deadpanned, causing Nate to let out a laugh and Emma to groan. He eventually relented. "She has a foster son, Noah, who is eight months old. Doesn't have other family. Used to work non-stop until she got Noah. She still works non-stop, but she was born to be a mother. She's funny, cares deeply, has the strongest moral compass I've ever seen, and she's just…um…," Ed stammered, realizing he had rambled a bit more than he had planned with his kids. Not knowing how to conclude his endless thoughts on Olivia Benson, he settled for a simple "great."

Both Nate and Emma watched their father light up as he finally disclosed information to them. It had been a long time since they'd seen him happy. He would always smile and laugh when they hung out, but they could see the light in his eyes dim as they were getting ready to leave.

"You really care about her, don't you Dad," Nate asked softly, passing the deck of cards over to Emma. Ed took another sip of his drink and nodded.

"I do."

The trio let that admission sit there for a little while before the mischievous smile returned to Emma's face.

"We're gonna have to go souvenir shopping, Daddy," she said with a shrug. "You have to bring your girlfriend back a present when you travel, and you _really_ suck at shopping."

Ed grunted and leaned back in his chair, nodding towards the deck of cards. "Stop talking and deal."

* * *

Several days later, Nick Amaro heaved a box of files onto Olivia's counter and pretended to wipe sweat from his brow.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Buck up and give me an update, Amaro."

The two detectives filled her in on the latest developments with the rainbow party case as she paged through a few folders, her glasses on the edge of her nose. The three talked a little while longer before a soft cry came from the back of the apartment. Nick reached for the files, assuming Olivia would need to go check on Noah.

"Lucy's here," she informed them. "She's helping out a little bit. I don't need to give Chief any reason to rescind his offer for me to working from home until Noah is cleared."

"How's he doing?" Fin asked, showing a rare instance of concern.

"Sluggish, but seems okay," Olivia reported.

"Ed know what's going on?" Fin let the question slip before he could stop. Olivia's eyes shot up and narrowed, trying to decipher if it was genuine or not. "I'm just askin'," he said, his hands up in surrender. "Mean nothin' by it."

"He does," she said, going back to the files and pretending to read them but her mind was already wandering. "He's checking in more than usual."

"Worried?" Nick asked, his interested peaked hearing the Lieutenant disclose a slight amount of personal information.

"We both are," she admitted. "He offered to come back early, but that's ridiculous. We're fine and he gets back tomorrow."

Fin and Amaro eyed each other, both out of continued incredulous at how close Ed and Olivia seemed to be and also at Olivia's insistence that she was fine. Olivia's voice snapped them both out of their thoughts.

"Now, tell me where Barba is in all of this." The personal conversation was over. It was back to work.

* * *

"Sure you're okay that I'm leavin' a day early?" Ed asked one last time, throwing the last of his clothes into his suitcase and zipping it up. Emma had departed early that morning in order to make it back for soccer practice, Nate had started up orientation at Stanford, and aside from one last dinner with his son, Ed found himself on his own in San Francisco. He had been checking in frequently with Olivia and the last call they had he could hear the worry in her voice. Quickly checking with the airline, he made the call to change his flight and then phoned Nate who popped over to the hotel to say goodbye.

"Dad, it's fine," he assured Ed. "Some of the guys were going out tonight anyways, and I think I'm supposed to make friends or something," he teased.

Ed let out a little laugh and gave Nate a side hug. "Yeah, you are son."

"So, Emma and I will come out for Thanksgiving?"

"You two can come see me anytime you want," he said, his voice suddenly soft and serious. "But in the meantime, I'll try to figure out how to make a turkey."

Nate ribbed Ed. "Or maybe Olivia knows how?"

Ed rolled his eyes and gripped Nate's shoulder, making eye contact with his son. "Nate, I want you to have a good time at college. Make some friends, have some fun, learn a lot. But you better be responsible. If you're at a party and there's drinking and girls…"

"I know, Dad."

"I know that you know. But I'm tellin' ya again. Do not drive and you better make sure she is one-hundred percent a willing participant."

"Yes sir."

"Okay then," Ed said, releasing Nate's shoulder and pulling him in for a hug. "I love you, son."

"Love you too, Dad."

A few hours later, Ed boarded his flight back to New York City. Quickly checking his voicemail and text messages and seeing nothing, he powered off his phone, ordered a drink, and looked out the window. A smile grew on his face as he imagined the surprised look on Olivia's face when he showed up at her apartment a day ahead of planned. He couldn't wait.

* * *

"Noah…" Olivia croaked, running down the corridor of the hospital's pediatric emergency wing alongside Noah's doctor and the medical staff.

Minutes earlier, Lucy ran out to Olivia announcing that Noah was struggling to breath. Ignoring Olivia's order to dial 9-1-1, Fin pulled the car up to the door of the building and peeled away, Nick barking unnecessary directions with a frantic Olivia and crying Noah in the back seat. Lights on, Fin navigated the streets like a pro, finally pulling up into the ambulance bay of the emergency room and pulling up half on the sidewalk. Not wasting any time, Nick hopped out before the car was in park, opened the back door, and watched Olivia rush into the ER with a crying Noah.

"We need to get him some fluids," the doctor said, hovering by Noah and unintentionally blocking Olivia's access to him. She was trying desperately to reach Noah and soothe him. He was crying, reaching for her, but was whisked quickly into a sterile room with other medical professionals ready and waiting to treat him. Planning on following them in, Olivia jumped with Dr. Lee lightly grabbed her arm and held her back.

"You'll need to wait out here," she said calmly.

"But he's my…I need to be with him."

"Noah is in good hands," she said. "I'll be back out once we have him stable and you can be with him. Let us do our jobs, Olivia."

The door clicked shut and Olivia felt her chest tighten. She leaned against the window, watching her son cry harder as the medical team poked around and got him changed into a hospital diaper and shirt.

"Noah…" she whispered, tears beginning to drip down her face. Terrified, she pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed Ed but it went straight to voicemail. Not thinking twice, she left him a message, voice trembling, saying Noah was in the emergency room and to call her as soon as he could. Olivia put her phone back into her pocket and kept her eyes on Noah. As soon as they closed the curtains and cut off her view, her face crumbled.

"Liv…"

Olivia turned around and saw Nick, coffee in hand. He gently led her over to a group of chairs and they sat down. He handed Olivia her cup and they sat in silence for a little bit.

"You don't have to stay here," she said quietly, staring down at the lid of her coffee.

"I know I don't," he said.

"I can't reach Ed…" she mumbled, pulling her phone out yet again and making the call. After it went to voicemail, she cursed under her breath and sent him a text to call her immediately, but the sent message stayed green. It was unlike Ed to not be accessible and responsive to her. Olivia closed her eyes, head falling back against the white walls of the hospital hallway. She kept a tight grip on her phone, willing Ed to call her back.

"He'll call you back, Liv," Nick assured her, hoping Ed Tucker would come through. "It's gonna be okay."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Seconds after landing, Ed turned his phone on and was immediately met with texts and voicemails from Olivia. Heart dropping, he didn't actually check any of them. Ed hit her speed dial number as the plane slowly made it's way towards their gate.

"_Ed._" His heart nearly snapped in two as he heart the tone and tears in her voice.

"What happened? What's wrong?"

"It's Noah…he's…well he wasn't breathing well, so we brought him to the hospital and now he's back there and I can't see him…"

"Okay," Ed said, rubbing his face and looking around frantically, as if somehow he could just deplane immediately instead of waiting for it to park. "I just landed…I'll grab my bag and come straight there."

"I…" Olivia began before realizing something. "You just landed?"

"Yeah," he said, having momentarily forgotten he was planning on surprising her and suddenly feeling a wave of guilt that she had been on her own and scared while he was unreachable. "That's why I didn't answer the phone. I was mid-air, Liv, I'm so sorry. But I'm gonna be there soon, okay?"

"Okay," she said softly. "It's…I'm fine. If you need to run home and shower, or whatever."

"Not a chance," he growled, refusing to let her be alone in this any longer. "I'll hurry."

Not wanting to hang up on her, but needing to focus on getting off the plane, grabbing his bag, and finding the fastest Uber driver available, Ed reluctantly bid her goodbye and scurried up the jetway, beating himself up the entire way to baggage claim that he hadn't been there.

"I'm coming, Olivia. I'm coming."

* * *

"Hi sweet boy," Olivia cooed, hovering over the plastic sides to the crib containing Noah. He was looking rather pathetic, clothed only in a diaper, oxygen affixed to his mouth, and wires extending from his little balled fist. His lower lip trembled at the site of Olivia and he moved his arms slowly, requesting to be picked up. "Here we go, Noah," Olivia whispered, reaching down and gingerly picking him up and cradling him to her chest and making sure the oxygen stayed in place. "I've gotcha. You're okay."

She stayed standing with Noah, softly swaying back and forth, humming a tune in his ear. They must have been like that for a while as the opening of the pediatric bay door startled both of them, causing Noah to fuss a little.

"Shh, shh, shh. It's just the nurse checking on you, baby," Olivia said, turning around and giving the nurse a hopeful look. She desperately needed some good news, or even semi-good news. And she was also hoping she wouldn't be admonished for taking Noah out of his bed.

"You shouldn't be in here," the nurse reported. "Snuggle him a little while longer and then I need to get his vitals again. He needs to be resting, letting the calming drugs take effect so we can do what we need to do. And he doesn't need any contact with potential outside germs."

"He reached for me," Olivia whispered, a desperation in her tone that the nurse was well familiarized with. She hated the thought that she was being labeled as a potential germ for her little boy, especially when he was so sick and scared. "He needs me."

"He does," the nurse conceded. "And you'll be allowed back here, officially, soon we hope. But for now I need to get his vitals and run a few more tests, okay?"

Olivia nodded, holding Noah tighter and rubbing his head with her cheek, occasionally placing kisses on his forehead. "It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna be right outside. I'm not going anywhere, okay Noah? I'm not going anywhere."

The nurse took Noah from Olivia with minimal protest. She watched, arms wrapped tightly around her waist, as the nurse put Noah back in his bed and hooked up a few machines to start monitoring him. Dr. Lee came in shortly after, squeezed Olivia's shoulder, and moved to look her in the eyes.

"Olivia, we need to keep him on the oxygen and get him stable. We're gonna run some tests," she explained. "An hour, maybe two…then you can see him again."

"I can't go with him?" Olivia asked, her voice full of tears.

"It won't be long. We'll keep you updated. You'll be in that little waiting area?"

Olivia nodded. "I'm not leaving."

She nearly stumbled out of Noah's room and stopped, placing one hand against the wall and allowing her shoulders to slump. She was willing away the tears. After a few moments, she straightened up and headed back into her assigned waiting area. It was more of an alcove containing a love seat with a lamp on either side, two chairs, a coffee table with outdated magazines, and a small coffee station. Olivia fixed herself a coffee and collapsed onto the love seat, picking her phone up off of the coffee table and checking to see where Ed's Uber was.

"How's he doing?" Amaro asked, leaning against the wall of the doorway to the alcove.

Olivia jumped, her coffee spilling slightly and her phone taking a hard tumble onto the floor. "Shit," she mumbled.

Nick hurried over and reached for napkins, moving to clean up the coffee as she grabbed her phone. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay," she said absently, flipping her phone around in her hand. "I'm a little…yeah."

"Phone okay?"

"It's…off. Won't power back on," she said, knocking it around a little bit before letting it fall onto the coffee table. "Dammit!"

Head falling into her hands, Nick saw her shoulders begin to shake. He picked up the phone, fiddled with it a little bit, and sat down next to her while he worked.

"Ed's on his way," she mumbled. "He flew in a day early to surprise me. Us. That's why I couldn't reach him."

Still trying to get her phone back on, Nick didn't shift his vision even as he responded. "His son all settled in?

"I…I guess so? I didn't even think to ask," she whispered. "My head is…scattered."

"Hey," Nick said, finally powering her phone on and looking up into her worried eyes. "I didn't mean that to make you feel bad. Just…trying to keep your mind on something a little less scary."

Olivia gave him a small smile and patted his arm. "Thanks for being here, Nick."

He gave her a small smile and propped his feet up on the coffee table, leaning back as if he were there as long as she needed him. Olivia let out a deep sigh and allowed her head to fall back against the wall as she slumped down in the chair. Closing her eyes, she willed her tears away once again. She couldn't have been sitting there for more than fifteen minutes when she heard footsteps coming down the corridor. Hopeful it was Dr. Lee letting her know she could be back with Noah, she stood up and made her way out of the alcove and into the hallway. She stopped, relief filling her body as she saw Ed Tucker rushing towards her.

"Liv," he breathed out, tightly grasping her hands as he reached her. Ed pulled Olivia's body close, keeping their hands intertwined between them, and pressed his forehead to hers. "I'm here. I'm here, Liv."

"Ed…" she croaked, fighting her impending sobs. He just held her hands in silence, allowing her to move through her own emotions. After a few minutes, Olivia reluctantly stepped back and looked up at him, eyes watery and fearful. Ed moved his hands up and down her arms, trying to offer a little bit of comfort, and ducked his head slightly so he kept eye contact with her.

"What happened?"

Olivia bit her lip and shook her head a little bit, shoulders beginning to shake once more.

"Okay," Ed said, backtracking. "Let's sit down. Come on." He lead her over to the love seat where he finally noticed Amaro. Nick jumped to his feet.

"Hey, Lieutenant Tucker," he said, reaching out to shake his hand.

"Detective," he said, his tone sounding professional. "Thanks for sitting here with Olivia."

"Wasn't gonna let her sit here alone," he said, not meaning it to be a jab but it came out that way.

Tucker stiffened. Olivia gripped his hand a little tighter as if to assure him she wasn't upset and to also keep him from going at her detective. Nick, realizing his actions, tried to backtrack.

"I, uh," he stammered a little bit.

"I got it from here, Amaro. I'm sure the 1-6 needs you," Ed said, letting him know in no uncertain circumstances that he was there to stay and Nick was free to return to the squad room.

"Yeah," Nick said, gathering his jacket and making his way out of the alcove. As he passed Olivia, he reached out to her arm and squeezed gently. "Call me. Us. If you need anything, or if there are any updates on Noah."

"I will," she said softly. "Thanks, Nick."

He nodded and went to make his exit, but Ed's voice stopped him. "Detective?"

Nick turned around, unsure of what the lieutenant was going to say.

"Thank you."

Nick nodded at them both and left, leaving Olivia and Ed alone in the alcove.

"Here," Ed said, gently leading Olivia over to the love seat. "Sit with me. Talk to me." They both collapsed onto the sofa, Olivia leaning on Ed. He kept a hold of her hand, running his thumb along her palm and rested his chin on top of her head. "What's the update?"

"Right now it's just his breathing," she said, her voice slightly quivering but still sounding strong. "Dr. Lee is concerned that this measles exposure means he will contract it, given his immune system. They are running some more tests right now."

"Ya getting to see him?"

"For a few minutes," she said. "He was reaching for me. I held him for a minute or two before they kicked me out."

Ed felt her body tremble against him and he moved an arm around her shoulders, holding her a little bit tighter.

"It's been….hours, Ed. Hours."

Before Ed could respond, Dr. Lee appeared in the doorway. Olivia jumped up from the sofa and rounded the coffee table to greet the doctor. Ed followed closely, standing behind Olivia with his hands on her shoulders.

"How is he?" She asked, her voice betraying her desperation for a good report, but Dr. Lee's face seemed serious and Olivia felt her stomach drop. "Tell me…"

"Noah is sedated, and he is stabilized," she began, "but there are spots appearing around his mouth. First sign of measles."

"Oh God," Olivia said, her knees buckling a bit and she leaned back into Ed. He wrapped his arms around her tightly. "What happens next?"

"He'll likely form a rash and he'll need to stay here under observation with limited visitors and contact," she reported.

"Limited contact?" Ed asked, feeling Olivia's midsection begin to shake and her nails dig into the skin of his arms while she took in the news.

"He's not off limits," she explained. "But, just Olivia for now. The nurse will be back with a gown and bring you to him."

"Thank you," Olivia croaked and watched Dr. Lee make her exit before she turned around and buried her face in Ed's chest. "Ed…"

"Okay, Olivia," Ed said, rubbing her back and trying to find the right words. "You heard her. He's stable now. And they are going to take good care of him."

"I'm scared…"

"I know, Liv," he whispered. "I know."

Just then a nurse appeared, requesting that Olivia follow her. She looked up at Ed, her eyes red, puffy and pleading.

"Go," he encouraged. "I'll be right out here, whenever you get back."

Olivia smiled at him, squeezed his hand, leaned up to place a soft kiss on his cheek, and moved to follow the nurse. Once out of sight, Ed turned around and took in the room. Taking a deep breath, he poured himself a cup of lukewarm coffee and remained standing, keeping watch on their little corner of the hospital.

* * *

Ed was pacing the alcove on his phone, hand rubbing his forehead as he spoke with his partner about a current case, when Olivia returned to the room.

"Hey man, I gotta run," he said quickly. "Yeah, keep me updated." Ed tucked his phone into the back pocket of his jeans and moved towards Olivia. "How is he?"

"He's…asleep," she said, taking a deep breath and casting her eyes to the ceiling in an effort to continue keeping her tears at bay. "Resting. He seems…peaceful."

Ed just watched her for a few seconds before responding. "Well, that's a good thing."

"Yeah."

"What do you need? Are you hungry? Coffee? Water?"

Olivia just shook her head, wrapping her arms farther around her waist. "Just be here."

"I'm not goin' anywhere," he said simply. "Come on. Sit. I'll getcha some water."

Olivia sat on the love seat, tucking one leg under her and angling so she could face Ed. He handed her a paper cup and she took a few sips, before placing it on the coffee table and gripping his forearm.

"How are the kids?"

Ed, a little taken aback at the question given the situation, took a bit to answer. "Good. Nate is settled in. I'm sure he'll be fine. Emma is still…well, Emma."

Olivia couldn't help but smile as she saw Ed's face light up as he spoke about his kids.

"Are they going to come this way again anytime soon?" Olivia was still hopeful to meet them, though suddenly worried that maybe Ed felt they weren't quite there yet with their relationship.

"Thanksgiving, I hope," he responded, lifting her chin up with his finger to look into her eyes. "I was hoping…maybe we could all do Thanksgiving together?"

Smiling, Olivia's brief anxiety about meeting Nate and Emma dissipated. "I'd like that."

"Great," he said. "Good. 'Cause Nate doesn't think I can make a turkey…"

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Can you?"

"No."

* * *

A couple of weeks had passed and Noah was still under observation. His breathing had improved, as had his fever, but he was still having episodes of difficulty causing the doctors to keep him admitted. The longer he was in the hospital, the less accommodating Chief Dodds was being with Olivia. The pressure was mounting for her to return to work and help her squad wrap up the rainbow party case, leaving Olivia torn and emotional about where she was supposed to be. Terrified that the judge would rethink allowing her to care for Noah, she tried to keep her focus on being at the hospital for all four of the visiting hours each day, however, it was becoming more difficult. The stress of which was getting to Olivia and, by default, Ed.

"I just don't want him to be alone," she admitted one night as her and Ed cuddled on her couch. The television was playing a rerun of Seinfeld, but they had it on mute as neither one seemed interested in paying attention. "I keep thinking if I miss one visitation, that Judge Linden will hear about it and that will be it. I'll lose him…"

"Liv," Ed said, unsure if what he was about to say was honest, but he had to comfort her. "That's not gonna happen. You're doing the best you can. You've been there each time. Missing one…it won't ruin your adoption shot."

"He needs me," she said. "He needs me there. But Dodds…"

Ed stiffened at the mention of Chief Dodds. He assumed the pressure for Olivia to be at work was coming from her intense drive to get justice, but perhaps he had misjudged. "He botherin' you?"

Olivia shifted, unsure if she should continue. But she trusted Ed and could use some advice. "Not bothering, exactly," she admitted.

Ed turned to face her, grabbing her hands and looking her in the eyes. "Tell me."

"He needs me in the squad room more. In my office more," she began. "I don't think he trusts Rollins or Amaro yet, and Fin is…well…Fin. So my leaving three times a day, and being gone for at least an hour, isn't going over so well anymore."

"Liv…" Ed breathed out. "I had no idea he was on your case."

"He's not wrong," she argued. "I should be there. Who knows how long Noah is going to be kept for observation, but…I guess I had hoped he would be a little more…compassionate, at least, in his frustration."

"Olivia, look at me." Ed waited until she took a deep breath and lifted her head. "You can only do so much. Noah is your priority and he should be. Dodds needs to understand that."

"And if he doesn't?"

Ed twisted his lips and narrowed his eyes slightly. "He will."

* * *

Ed strolled into One Police Plaza the next morning in a crisp, dark gray suit. His freshly pressed white shirt and light blue tie accentuated his tanned skin and deepened the blue in his eyes. Paper coffee cup in hand from the outside cart, he made his way to the elevator, pressed his desired floor, and tapped his foot. The elevator dinged as he stepped off and quickly got his bearings. Seeing the office he wanted, he confidently strode up, tapped on the wooden door and waited for a faint "come in," before stepping in.

"Lieutenant Tucker," Dodds said, his eyes wide in surprise. "To what do I owe this…visit?"

Tucker sipped his coffee and cleared his throat, taking a few seconds to gather his thoughts.

"Just left the hospital with Liv. We were seeing Noah during the early morning visiting hours," he reported. "She's pretty strung out, ya know, trying to make sure she's with that little boy. And also trying to do what you're needing her to do."

Dodds remained expressionless. "And?"

Ed had to swallow a scoff. "And I would think you could ease up on her just a little bit."

Dodds stood up and stared at Ed. "I need her to close this case. I've got pressure from all over town about this. I can't have her half present. I need her to keep her head."

"Her son is in the hospital," Ed said, teeth gritted.

"Foster son," Dodds corrected. It took all of Ed's strength not to jump the desk at that statement. Instead, he took another sip of coffee and straightened his posture.

"Ease up on her, Bill." Ed's IAB tone had returned, as had his glare. He took a few more seconds to stare at the man in front of him and watched his face soften, if not flinch, as Ed stayed unflappable in his defense of Olivia. Finally, Chief Dodds nodded and sat back down, signaling the conversation was over.

"Have a good day," Ed muttered as he spun on his heels and headed towards the elevator. As he stepped out into the morning sun to head uptown where his presence had been requested, his phone vibrated. "Hey Emma," he said, smiling and tossing his empty coffee cup.

"Dad! How's Noah?"

Ed's heart warmed, hearing the concern in his daughter's voice. He had mentioned a few times to his kids about Noah's condition, and they seemed genuinely worried and made sure to check in daily.

"He's gettin' better. Saw him this morning. He was laughing a little."

"You finally got cleared to go in?"

"Yep," he said. "And he hadn't even forgotten me."

Ed's voice was teasing, but he had been slightly concerned that he would drift out of Noah's little head after not being around for a bit. But that hadn't been a problem. The little boy immediately reached for him when he entered that morning.

"You're unforgettable, Dad," Emma said, snapping him out of the pleasant memory.

"That's one way to put it," he muttered. "It's early for you, kiddo, what's up?"

"Early soccer practice before school. I'm in an Uber. Ya know, the car service thing?"

Ed just laughed. "Ah. Yes. Uber. Well, have a good day sweetheart."

"You too. Love you!"

Emma hung up the phone before Ed could return the "I love you," but the smile on his face still grew. As he got into his cruiser and started the engine, Ed's mind couldn't help but wander to a moment in time in which perhaps all of them, Olivia and Noah included, could be together. A family.

"One step at a time, Tucker," he said to himself. "One step at a time."

* * *

**_If you are enjoying the story, leaving a review is a nice gesture. They also can be motivating._**


	5. Chapter 5

_**I was inspired...**_

**Chapter 5**

Ed watched through the glass windows as an elated Olivia rushed into Noah's room. The little boy had been in the hospital under observation for almost a full month. As they hurdled towards late October, Ed found himself anxious and wondering why he hadn't been released. He kept his concerns to himself, assuming Olivia was going out of her mind, and now he felt the weight lift off of his shoulders as she scooped Noah up out of his crib, finally free of wires and tubes, and held him close. She swayed back and forth, lips pressed into his hair and eyes closed as she soaked in the closeness.

It had only been an hour since Dr. Lee had called Olivia at work and gave her the good news: Noah could go home that afternoon. Full of relief, Olivia threw folders into her bag and ran out of the office, sending Ed a quick text message while she waited for the elevator. Not expecting anything beyond a celebratory response, she came to a quick stop and her face lit up when she arrived in the hallway outside of Noah's room and saw Ed standing there, hands in his suit pockets, his eyes focused on Noah.

"Hey," she said softly, her eyes still wide in surprise but a small smile on her face. "I didn't expect to see you here…"

Ed just shrugged and turned towards her. "I have some down time," he replied simply. "Ya need anything?"

"Um, well," she stammered, suddenly unsure if she needed anything. "I'm actually not sure? I didn't expect this call today…"

"How can I help?"

Olivia bit her lip and thought for a few minutes. She hadn't been spending much time at home recently, going back and forth between work and the hospital. On the nights when she couldn't handle being home without Noah, she would stay at Ed's. Having no idea how clean her apartment was or if Noah had new sheets in his crib, she looked over at Ed, debating on whether or not to ask him to help in this way. He did offer, she thought to herself, but did that offer include taking her keys and cleaning her apartment?

"Olivia," he said, moving closer to her and taking her hand. "Whatever it is, whatever you need, I'll do it. Just name it."

She took a deep breath. "I don't know if my place is clean," she finally admitted. "Noah should get fresh sheets, in case there are any residual germs?"

Ed nodded, felt around for his wallet, and clicked his tongue. "Easy enough," he said. "I'll head over, assess the situation, and figure it out."

Olivia dug her keys out of her bag, handed them over, and reached up to kiss his lips briefly.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Of course," Ed answered. "Let me know when you're on your way…"

From there, Olivia had moved quickly into the room and Ed remained, watching her. Beginning to sense he was intruding into her and Noah's reunion, he turned and headed towards the elevator, mentally going over his tasks.

* * *

"_Ed_…" Olivia gushed as she entered the apartment. She had a tight grip on Noah who was perched on her hip, his head sleepily laying on her shoulder. Olivia stopped in her tracks and allowed her purse, and Noah's hospital bag, to drop onto the floor, resulting in a soft thud.

Olivia's home was spotless. The scent of her preferred cleaning supplies permeated her senses. The living room was perfectly in order, pillows fluffed, books shelved and organized, and toys in their appropriate bins. In the middle of her coffee table sat a large bouquet of colorful roses, potentially two dozen, causing tears to rush to her eyes.

"You…you didn't have to…" Olivia's chin trembled and she struggled to find the words, still standing in the entryway of the apartment. Ed smirked and moved over to her, picking the bags up and moving them over to her countertop.

"I wanted to," he said. "Noah's bed is all set up, and tacos from that little place on 57th are on the way. I hope you don't mind…"

Olivia just gaped at him. "Mind?" She asked with a little laugh. "You're…incredible."

Ed smirked and nodded at the little boy. His eyes were drooping. "Get him settled," he said. "I'll unpack his bag."

Nodding, Olivia kissed Ed's cheek. "Say night night to Ed," she cooed at Noah. Ed leaned down and kissed the little boys hands.

"Night night, Noah," he said softly. Olivia turned and went into the back. She was stunned that Ed had not only completely scrubbed her apartment down, but also found gorgeous flowers, ordered food, and didn't have one wrinkle in his suit or sweat drop on his forehead. Smiling to herself, Olivia turned into the bedroom and once again was surprised. Ed had tied a balloon to Noah's crib. It was in the shape of a teddy bear and said "Welcome Home." Inside of the crib, Olivia noticed crisp, fresh sheets and Noah's blanket neatly folded. On top of his little pillow was his favorite stuffed elephant, as well as a new friend, a stuffed giraffe.

"Look, sweet Noah," Olivia cooed. "Ed got you balloon and a new giraffe!"

"Ba…" Noah whispered, point up at the balloon with wide eyes. "Ba!"

"Balloon," Olivia said, her heart full hearing her little boy try to imitate sounds. "That's right, balloon!"

She placed Noah in his crib and let him crawl around, inspecting the new toy. Olivia leaned over the railing and watched him play, perfectly content to be back in a familiar setting. "Gonna take a rest, sweet boy?"

Noah looked up at her, his eyes beginning to droop again. But those eyes were full of love, and Olivia felt her entire stomach clench. He depended on her. He loved her. Though she had always known that and felt it deep down, the realization of the bond Noah had with her hit full force with that one look.

"Okay, baby," she croaked, swallowing hard. Olivia untied the balloon and moved it over to the nightstand. It was still in Noah's vision, but not within his grasp. She helped him lay down, covered him with his blanket, and ran her finger along his face and he cuddled his two stuffed animals. "Get some sleep. I'm right outside, okay? I love you, Noah."

Noah's eyes fluttered closed, comforted by the sound of Olivia's voice and the touch of her fingers. She watched him a few more minutes before she finally turned around, dimmed the lights, and cracked the door.

"He settled?" Ed's voice almost startled her. "Sorry," he said softly.

"No, it's okay," Olivia said quickly. She walked over to where Ed stood by the stools at her countertop, taking containers of tacos out of the bag, and wrapped her arms around his torso and kissed his lips. "Thank you," she whispered, kissing him again in between each "thank you" she spoke.

Ed smiled into the kiss and entangled his fingers with her her, happily accepting her thank you. She pulled him closer, their bodies firmly pressed against each other, and continued their kiss. Soft whimpers and smacks could be heard, but everything else was silent. It was just them. Noah was home, healthy, and asleep. Ed and Olivia could finally take a few moments to be together and as Ed deepened the kiss and moved his hand down her sides and onto her lower back, Olivia felt confident there was no where else she'd rather be.

A few minutes later, clothes were strewn throughout the living room, decorative pillows had been tossed to the floor, and unopened takeout containers sat forgotten on the counter as Ed took his time, kissing every inch of Olivia's body. She squirmed with both anticipation and impatience, finally convincing him to get on with it. The sex was intense, desperate, almost sloppy as they both cried out, begging for more from one another, and losing themselves in their not quite rough, but close to it, couch encounter.

"Mmmm," Olivia moaned, her sweaty body nestled in next to Ed's as they laid together, coming down from a near simultaneous climax, covered by a light blanket. "That was so, so good."

Ed just smirked, continuing to trace light patterns on her bare back with his fingertips. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," she said, her voice low and sultry. They stayed like that for a few minutes until Olivia moved up and pressed her lips against Ed's again, not quite ready to end their little tryst. "I want more…"

Ed groaned, his hips bucking up slightly into hers as he shifted them so she was underneath him once again. He took a moment, resting on his arms, his body over hers, and took in the sight. Olivia's hair was fanned out over the gray cushions of the couch. Her face was bare of makeup, and she was slightly flushed which only accentuated her freckles. Ed studied each one, his eyes tracing a pattern over her face. Normally, Olivia would feel uncomfortable under that kind of scrutiny, but it was different with Ed. She could see on his face that his observations came only from a place of deep care and desire. So she laid still, patiently waiting for him to finish staring at her and make a move.

"_Eddd…"_ she gasped as Ed finally lowered his body on top of hers and gave a little thrust, his lips hitting her neck. It wasn't long before he was moving inside her once again, their bodies smacking together. Soft grunts, pants, and whimpers filled the air as Olivia lost herself in the feeling of Ed Tucker making love to her. Soon Noah would wake up, they would all need to eat, and the hectic nature of Ed and Olivia's lives would take over again. But in that moment, none of it mattered. It was just them.

* * *

It was pushing nine o'clock that night. The tacos were long disposed of, Noah had taken a bath and was in a fresh set of fire truck pajamas, and an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine was playing softly on the television. Ed and Olivia sat on the couch and watched Noah scoot around the living room going from one set of toys to the next, clearly unsure what to play with first after his hospital stay. Content to just observe, Ed and Olivia didn't talk much. She had taken a quick shower and was now in worn leggings and a t-shirt she was pretty sure belonged to Ed. He had thrown on a pair of sweats that had been left at her apartment at some point. Neither of them were eager to end the night, so they remained on the couch.

Olivia shifted a little and turned towards Ed. "I keep thinking that Halloween is right around the corner," she mumbled.

Ed kept one eye on Noah, but diverted his attention to Olivia. "Yeah?"

She just shrugged. "Am I supposed to take him trick-or-treating? He's awfully young. And all the germs…" Her worry was palpable and Ed recognized they eyes of a parent who was second guessing any little decision she made.

"He's pretty young, Liv," Ed finally said after a slight pause. "He can't even eat any of the candy."

"True," she said. "It just feels a little like childhood robbery for him not to do…something…on his first Halloween."

"So ya get him a costume," Ed shrugged. "Maybe take him to the precinct. Or Nick's?"

"Could make Fin put out those Gerber rice crackers Noah loves…" Olivia joked, knowing Fin's reaction would contain a scoff and eye roll, but that he'd do whatever she asked. Her tone immediately went back to serious. "How do you…I dunno…make these decisions? How do you know what's right for your kid?"

Ed paused, giving Olivia his full attention. He reached out and played with a strand of her hair as he thoughtfully debated what his answer would be.

"You just do the best you can," he said softly. "You can't know everything. You're gonna make mistakes. Just do the best you can."

Olivia bit her lip, not liking that answer but knowing he was right, and looked over at Noah. He must have sensed her eyes were on him as the little boy turned around and gave Olivia a large, two-toothed grin.

"I just want to protect him," she whispered. "That little boy, he depends on me to keep him safe. Healthy. But there's so much I can't control…his immune system…the foster system…"

Ed reached out and stroked her cheek as she rambled a bit, clearly at a loss over this one little decision.

"I wouldn't take him trick-or-treating if it were me," Ed finally inserted, correctly guessing that Olivia wanted to know what decision he would make. "I'd dress him up, maybe go to a few places you know, take some pictures, then hang out at home."

Olivia nodded. "That's what I think I should do," she said, now feeling more confident in her first instinct.

"Ya gotta trust your gut, Liv," Ed continued. "And you have the best instincts I know. If your gut says keep him home, then keep him home."

Olivia smiled and gave him a soft kiss. "Thank you."

"Of course," Ed said, shrugging and shifting a bit so she was leaning into his side. "Been a nice night…"

"Yeah," she sighed. "I don't…I don't want it to end…"

"It's okay, Liv," Ed said softly, knowing she still worried about him staying the night while Noah was in her room. He moved his head so he could look into her eyes. "We'll figure all of this out eventually."

Olivia looked back at him for a little while before nestling her head back into his chest.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything," Ed said, kissing her hair.

"Last year," she began, "when you came to Amaro's place…after they shot through his window."

Ed moved his fingers to rub her scalp lightly as she spoke, and nodded.

"You…that protective face of yours came out," she said. "I could see in your eyes that you were telling the truth, when you told Amaro you would've done the same….or worse."

"I was," he said, his voice firm but gentle.

"You just…surprised me, that's all," she admitted.

Ed let the comment sit for a little bit before responding. "When it's your kids…it's a whole different ballgame," he said. "Not sure I woulda had the same restraint that Nick had…"

Olivia let out a chuckle. "Restraint?"

Ed moved so once again he could see Olivia's face. "Someone sends a bullet anywhere near my kids? Or anyone I love? Yeah…I'd say a baseball bat is restraint."

Olivia's heart stopped when Ed said "anyone I love." She could see in his eyes that he meant her, but she wasn't ready for that statement. Sensing that her anxiety had peaked, Ed tried to lighten the conversation.

"He may hate me," Ed said. "Hell, most officers do. But Amaro? He's alright."

Olivia grinned up at Ed and tickled his stomach. "You should let more people see your soft side, ya know."

"Can't ruin my image," he replied. "Gotta keep people thinking I'm heartless."

"You're not," Olivia whispered. "You're heart is…good."

"Yeah?" His eyebrows raised at the tone of her voice.

"Ed Tucker, you're incredible," she admitted. "I'm so…lucky…that you're here with me right now."

"I think I'm the lucky one," Ed said, kissing at her face, still cognizant of Noah playing nearby.

"Stay," she whispered. It was so soft, Ed almost didn't hear what she said.

"You sure?" Ed wanted to jump at the opportunity to stay the night with Olivia. He knew it wouldn't involve anything physical given they shared a room with an ten month old, but he just wanted to be close to her. The more time that went on, the more Ed found himself always wanting to be with Olivia, even if they were doing absolutely nothing.

Olivia looked up at him and kissed his chin. "I'm sure. I wanna wake up with you tomorrow."

"Okay," he agreed softly.

Not sure where to take the conversation from there, Olivia laid her head back on his chest and circled back to their previous topic of the soft side to Ed's IAB persona. "Ya know, though," she said, a grin forming on her face. "You're a little sexy when you go into Lieutenant Tucker mode."

"I'll have to keep that in mind, Sergeant."


	6. Chapter 6

**_I realize I am out of order with the episodes and cases - but I purposely rearranged Granting Immunity so it worked with my timeline. It's fanfic, so you can forgive me. *Shrugs*_**

**Chapter 6**

"Amaro, my office," Olivia called from the door. All three detectives looked up at her as she nodded for Nick to come see her. As he entered the office, Olivia caught Fin and Rollins eying each other. "Get back to work, detectives. Those reports won't write themselves." She shut the door, blinds rattling.

"Would not wanna be him right now," Amanda said softly under her breath.

Fin just shrugged. "At some point, we're all him. Even Benson."

Back in the Sergeant's office, Nick was leaning back in one of the chairs while Olivia sat at her desk, leaning forward and folding her arms in front of her. Glasses perched on her nose and hair pulled back into a clip, with strands falling on the sides of her face, her sharp, distinct profile was a prominent as ever. Nick, trying to keep up his indifferent attitude towards the recent events, began to squirm under her glare. He kept waiting for her to say something, anything, since she had summoned him. But that didn't seem to be her plan. She just waited, looking at him, until finally he couldn't take it.

"Look, I'm sorry," he began. In reality, he had no idea if she knew about his encounter with Rollins at the bar. Nick could only assume that she did, and that was why he had been summoned in. But seeing her cock her head slightly and her brow furrow, perhaps he was wrong.

"For?"

She was going to make this hard on him. Taking a moment to collect his thoughts, he decided to go towards the general side of things.

"I know my…anger…has been an issue," Nick said, leaning forward with one arm on his leg and the other moving around as he spoke. "It's gotten better. I promise you it has. Just, the whole Thanksgiving thing…"

Olivia softened at the mention of the holiday. She knew that he was supposed to have Zara, but it changed at the last minute. Having spent many holidays by herself, Olivia could appreciate the loneliness he was feeling but she refused to let him use that as an excuse.

"Your anger issue seems to be a liability," she said plainly. "And those issues were just used against our case in the courtroom. Now, you tell me, what should I do with that?"

"They still convicted him."

"That's not the point," she quipped quickly and sharply. "That's not the point and you know it, Nick."

"Sure you can manage to persuade Tucker if need be," he muttered snidely, but softly as if he didn't actually want Olivia to hear his words. She did.

"Excuse me?" She asked, eyes narrowed and jaw firm.

Nick fidgeted.

"My relationship is off limits for your commentary, Detective," she snapped. "Do not ever cross that line again. I have plenty of reasons to have you transferred. Don't make me use them."

Gaping at her, Nick's eyes widened at the threat. He knew he was in hot water with the higher ups, but didn't expect the venomous reaction from Olivia, so he backtracked.

"I apologize," he said. "That was out of line. I'm out of sorts. It won't happen again."

"Good," Olivia said, straightening papers and folders on her desk and throwing a few into her bag. "Do you have somewhere to be tomorrow?"

"Goin' to my mom's."

"Good." Standing up and shouldering her bag, Olivia rounded the desk and squeezed Nick's shoulder. "Try to take it easy. See you on Monday, pending something big."

With that, Benson breezed out of her office, bid goodbye to the rest of the squad, and headed for the elevator. She took a few minutes to breathe deeply before heading out of the building and onto the street, as Nick's comment about her relationship with Ed was bugging her. Firing off a message to Lucy and confirming that Noah was asleep and Lucy had a few extra minutes, she decided to walk and call Ed.

"Hey, Liv."

He sounded slightly out of breath, which confused Olivia at first.

"Hey there. You okay?"

"Oh, yeah," he said quickly. She heard some shuffling in the background and then an eruption of laughter. "Apparently it's family game night, according to my children. They are teaming up on me."

Olivia smiled at the image and then chuckled as she heard Emma tease Ed.

"Knock it off, you two," he said, not even attempting to muffle the phone. "Sorry…"

"It's okay," Olivia said. "I can let you go…"

"No," he replied quickly. "Don't do that. What's up?

"Just needed some air before heading home," she admitted.

"Tough week," Ed allowed. "Tough case."

"Aren't they all?" Olivia's voice was soft and tired, but Ed sensed that there was something more.

"What is it, Liv?"

She didn't say anything for a little bit. Wandering aimlessly, she found herself within visual distance of the developing Hudson Yards area. "That place is such an eye sore," she said with a chuckle. Ed agreed but didn't let her off the hook.

"Ya wanna stop by?"

"No," she said quickly, quietly. "No, you go get clobbered in game night. I should get home and study this fruit cobbler recipe thing for tomorrow…"

Ed didn't say anything. He wanted to encourage her to stop by, so she could decompress without being alone, but sensed that perhaps it wasn't the right time. Feeling a pull to go to her, but knowing he should spend time with his kids, he relented.

"Okay," he said. "Text when you're home?"

"Sure," she allowed, biting her lip and finally turning north. She decided she would walk the fifteen or so blocks back up to her building. "Hey, Ed?"

"Yeah?"

"It never gets any easier…"

Ed knew she meant her job, the cases she saw on a daily basis, courtroom drama she would witness, questions she would get badgered with while on the stand, and now having to manage her detectives. But he also felt like she meant trying to balance their relationship. Deciding that perhaps he was reading too much into her statement, he focused on job-related responses.

"Often times, the right thing is the hardest thing." Ed's voice was low, deep, and raspy as he said those words. Olivia felt them hit her gut, causing her to take a sharp breath.

"I know," she whispered. "Hey…"

"Hmm?"

"See you tomorrow," Olivia said, shifting the mood and causing them both to smile at the idea of spending their first official holiday together.

"Absolutely, Liv. I'll talk to you later."

Olivia pocketed her phone and crossed the street, a newfound perk to her gait. There was still a heavy weight on her shoulders and she still felt butterflies about meeting Nate and Emma the next day, but the fact that she was the one that Ed would talk to later made her feel weightless.

* * *

"It's not stuffing if it isn't stuffed in the turkey," Nate said pointedly at Emma, who was reading the Pepperidge Farm directions to her brother. Ed, after basting and seasoning the turkey, got it into the oven and had retreated about half an hour ago to shower and change. He knew leaving his kids, despite both being teenagers, in charge of the side dishes was a gamble, but he was willing to take it.

Emma just rolled her eyes and kept reading. "Does Dad have a food processor?" She asked, looking around Ed's decent sized, updated kitchen. "I don't wanna chop all this shit."

"Emma!" Nate exclaimed. "Don't let Dad hear you talk like that."

"Like he doesn't say shit all the time," she muttered. "A-ha!"

"Celery, onion, garlic…" Nate handed over the items and let his sister put them in the processor, turn it on, and let it work. "What do you think Olivia is like?"

Emma bit her lip and looked up thoughtfully. "I dunno. Dad's kinda…hard. And he said she's a cop. So my guess is she's probably a lot like dad."

Nate shrugged. "I dunno. Sometimes opposites attract. Maybe she's outgoing and bubbly."

Both kids looked at each other and cracked up. "Yeah, no way Dad is with someone who is bubbly."

"I just hope she's nice," Emma said softly. "I don't want this to be…awkward."

"Yeah, I think Dad is pretty into her."

"We wouldn't be spending Thanksgiving together if she wasn't," Emma pointed out. "Ugh. Was not expecting Dad to be the first of our parents to make us do this."

Nate poured the mix of herbs and breadcrumbs into a baking dish and nodded towards his sister. "It'll be fine, Em," he said. "Here, pour that in here. We'll just mix it in the dish. One less thing to wash."

"Smart thinking," she said, doing as she was told. They mixed everything together, looked at their work with satisfied faces, and put it in the oven on the rack above the turkey. "Guess that Ivy League education isn't a total waste of money."

"Hey!" Nate playfully shoved Emma right as Ed came out of the back of the apartment.

"Knock it off. Both of ya," he said with a grin, knowing he had little control over their teasing behavior. "Liv'll be here soon. Don't go teaching Noah all your shenanigans."

"Did you just say shenanigans?" Emma asked.

"I did."

"You're so weird, Dad."

The three Tuckers all looked at each other while standing in the kitchen. Emma fidgeted slightly, signaling to Ed that she was a little anxious about the evening. He reached out and patted her shoulder. "If it makes ya feel any better, I think Liv is about as anxious as all of us put together."

Emma didn't say anything. Nate made his way out of the kitchen and sat at the one of the stools Ed had set up along the countertop bar.

"She shouldn't be nervous," he said. "I happen to think we are perfectly normal people."

Emma let out a little laugh, grateful for the comedic relief. "I guess," she replied. "I can't wait to play with Noah. He's so cute in all those pictures and videos you send, Dad."

Ed had a habit of passing along some of his favorite shots of Noah to his kids, in an effort to try and move along everyone's comfort. Emma always responded with excitement and Nate would play it cool with a few emojis, but had mentioned a few times that he appreciated the texts.

The phone by Ed's front door rang, signaling the front desk was calling about a visitor. "Well, here we go," he said, taking a deep breath and heading to pick up the phone and wait by the door.

Nate went over to Emma and put an arm around her shoulder. "Just be yourself," he said.

"Right," she mumbled. Emma stood off to the side, just outside of the kitchen as she heard Ed greet Olivia in the foyer.

"It smells so good in here, Ed," she said. "Here, take him?"

Ed took Noah, tossed him in the air a couple of times to get him to laugh and then carried him out of the foyer and to the left towards the kitchen and open dining and living room space. Olivia remained for a few seconds, taking her time removing her coat and hanging it in his entryway closet. She fluffed her hair a bit in the small mirror then picked up the insulated bag containing her homemade dessert and made her way inside. Noah was clinging to Ed as he introduced him to Nate and Emma. Nate was almost exactly Ed's height and stood in the same manner. His dark hair was cut relatively short, allowing only a hint of curl to show around the edges. Emma was a few inches shorter than the Tucker guys. Her long, wavy hair was the same color as Nate's, except she had highlights which made it seem like a lighter hue. Both of them closely resembled Ed's facial structure, and from pictures Olivia already knew they all had the same piercing blue eyes. The older kids didn't smother Noah, but talked softly to him about eating turkey and watching a recording of the Macy's Parade. The parade talk did the trick.

"Ba!" He exclaimed, pointing to the window. "Ba!"

"That's his word for everything," Olivia explained, finally letting herself be noticed in the room. "This time it likely means 'balloon'."

"Ya liked the balloons on television, bud?" Ed asked, turning around and gesturing for Olivia to join them in the living room where they all stood. Her smirked as she made her way towards them dressed in appropriately-tight fitting jeans and a cream colored sweater. "Olivia, this is Nate and Emma. Kids, this is Olivia."

"So nice to meet you," Olivia said, extending her hand and shaking Emma's first and then Nate's. "Your dad has told me so much about you both."

"Likewise," Nate said. "And about Noah. Nice to finally meet."

A silence fell over the group, no one quite knowing what to do next. Suddenly the timer went off, causing Olivia to jump slightly and then laugh it off.

"Ah, that's the turkey," Ed exclaimed, placing Noah on the floor, knowing he would likely crawl right over to where he had a box of toys for him, and went back into the kitchen. Instead of beelining for the toy box, he sat and looked up expectantly at Nate, who responded by sitting in front of him, grabbing some blocks, and beginning to play.

Olivia looked on with a small smile before turning slightly towards Emma. "You're a junior this year, right?"

"I am," she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, not making eye contact with the older woman. She kept watching the boys play.

"Having a good year so far?"

"For the most part," Emma offered, giving Olivia a side glance and small smile. "The break is nice."

"You got all week, right?" Olivia asked. "Have you had a good time with your Dad?"

"Yeah, it's been good," Emma said before sitting down on the floor next to Nate and Noah, effectively ending her conversation with Olivia. Taking a deep breath, Olivia moved into the kitchen where Ed had put an apron on, presumably to save his slate grey pants and hunter green polo. He had just pulled the turkey out of the oven and placed it proudly on the stove, admiring his work.

"Nice job, Lieutenant," Olivia whispered, coming up next to him and snaking her arm around his waist. He leaned in and kissed her head, before turning back to the cooked bird.

"Looks done, right?"

"Where's your meat thermometer," she asked, looking around the kitchen. "We can easily check."

As they did that, Olivia couldn't help but sneak glances at him in an apron. Being careful not to overtly flirt with him in front of the kids, she kept most commentary to herself. But as he triumphantly announced the temperature was perfect and the turkey was done, she couldn't help but smirk.

"Ya look cute in that apron, there, Tucker," she said, her eyebrow raised and her smirk growing.

"Oh yeah" Ed asked, wrapping his arms around her waist and pecking at her cheek. "How cute?"

Olivia pushed him away slightly, much to his disappointment, and gently reminded him of potential prying eyes. As she wandered back out of the kitchen to try another attempt at chatting with Ed's kids, she turned to Ed with a playful look.

"Bet ya'd look good in _only_ the apron too." Satisfied with herself, Olivia sauntered back into the living room and took a seat on the couch, watching Noah hand Nate blocks to stack up before he'd knock them down.

"Wine?" Ed called out from the kitchen, recovering from her_ only wear an apron_ comment.

"Sure," she said. "I brought a bottle. On the counter, by the fridge."

Ed got to work uncorking the bottle and pouring them each a glass. He came in and sat next to Olivia on his couch, close but not too close, and clinked their glasses.

"Cheers," he said softly. Olivia returned a smile and sipped her wine, before turning back to the trio on the floor. Another silence fell over the room as Noah continued to hand blocks over. The little boy seemed to gravitate towards Nate, so Emma mainly observed the scene. The only sound for the next few minutes was his giggling each time he knocked the towers down, causing a smile to cross both Tucker kids' faces.

"You two don't have to keep doing that," Olivia offered. "He's got other toys here."

Nate just shrugged. "I don't mind," he said. "He's so happy."

Emma began to look around and stood up. "Nate you want a drink?" She headed into the kitchen as Nate yelled out his request of a Coke. Olivia eyed the girl as she wandered off.

"She's uncomfortable," Olivia commented softly. Only Ed heard her words.

"She'll warm up," he promised. "It's a first for all of us. We'll weather it together, Olivia."

The rest of the evening progressed smoothly. Olivia managed to make small talk with both Nate and Emma, learning about their likes and dislikes, Nate's first semester at Stanford, and Emma's thoughts on whether she wanted to try to play soccer in college. Nate quizzed Olivia on her job, asked about any weird cases to which she vaguely spoke about the mushroom incident. That story caused Emma to laugh, finally breaking what seemed to be a thin, icy layer of her.

"Should we warm up the cobbler, Liv?" Ed asked as they all cleared the dishes. Emma got to work loading them into the dishwasher, happy to be away from the group for a little bit.

"Yeah, it could probably use a little reheat. You got the ice cream?"

"Well, Nate did," Ed admitted. "But yeah, we're all set."

Once the dishes were put away and the dessert was warm, Olivia served bowls of the warm treat topped with ice cream and they piled back around the table.

"This is really good," Emma said, mouth full of food. "Thanks, Olivia."

Those simple two words almost caused Olivia's heart to burst. She paused from where she was feeding Noah small bites and smiled. Ed patted her leg.

"Thank you, Emma," she finally said. "It was a first for me."

Emma returned the smile and went back to her dessert, the table once again becoming quiet.

"How about we play a game?" Nate finally said, figuring that would be an easy buffer. He was right. Ed, Olivia, Nate, and Emma spent the next hour playing Phase 10. Noah began the game in Ed's lap, before moving to Nate's and helping him play a couple of hands. Finally growing board as the game persisted, Noah crawled over to play with his toys. The next time Olivia looked over to check on him, he was fast asleep on the rug, curled up on a throw pillow that had somehow landed on the floor.

"He's so cute," Emma whispered, elbowing Nate. "Look at him."

Nate just smiled. "Musta been the block destruction," he quipped. Everyone let out a soft laugh.

"I should probably get him home," Olivia finally said reluctantly. She felt like the awkwardness had semi-abated once they started playing a game and desperately wanted the night to end with all of them feeling comfortable. But it looked like that wasn't going to happen completely on this particular day.

"One more round," Ed said softly. "Got two of us on Phase 10. Can't quit now, Benson."

Olivia raised her eyebrow at him. "Callin' me a quitter, Tucker?"

"Only if the shoe fits…"

Nate and Emma observed the exchange, Nate with a smile identical to Ed's and Emma with an inquisitive look, still pensive but admittedly less anxious than earlier. Olivia rolled her eyes, grabbed the deck to shuffle, and began to deal.

* * *

_**That review button exists for a reason. Lemme know what ya think and if you want more!**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

It was pushing ten when Ed, Olivia, Nate, and Emma finally decided they were tired and should call it a night. Emma went in and packed up Olivia's dishes, threw some packaged leftovers into her tote bag, and brought it to them in the foyer.

"Wasn't much dressing left," she commented. "Noah ate most of it."

They all chuckled a little bit, remembering how much the little boy loved that particular dish. It gave Nate and Emma a sense of pride given it was the one thing they had solely been in charge of making.

"Anyways, I packed other stuff in here," she continued. "And your cobbler dish is clean."

"That was sweet of you, Emma, thank you," Olivia said, slightly taken aback by the small gesture.

Emma just shrugged. "No problem."

They all stood for a few seconds in the foyer before Ed broke the silence.

"I'm gonna walk them home," he said to his kids. "I'll be back in a bit."

Olivia bid the kids goodnight, none of them making any moves for a hug or another handshake, and led Ed who was carrying a sleeping Noah out of the apartment and into the hallway where she had left the stroller.

"You don't have to walk us home, Ed," Olivia remarked. "We'll be fine."

"I know you'll be fine," he responded. "But I'm walkin' ya home anyways."

Olivia smiled as she watched Ed buckle Noah, who had not stirred at all, into the stroller, take her tote bag from her, shoulder it, and push Noah towards the elevator. He looked over his shoulder when he realized she wasn't next to him.

"You just gonna stand there or…"

Olivia just shook her head, cataloging that memory, and caught up. She hit the down button, put her hand in front of the doors as Ed strolled Noah onto the car, and stood next to him, resting her head on his shoulder.

"I had a really nice day, Ed," she said. "Thank you for having us over."

Ed kissed the side of her forehead. "I couldn't imagine not being with you and Noah today," he admitted. The elevator doors opened and they walked by the doorman, nodding their thanks as he held the door open, and went out into the cold, crisp November night.

"Wasn't as bad as you were afraid of, huh?" Ed asked, intentionally bumping into Olivia as they walked. She leaned down, making sure Noah's beanie was covering his ears and his blanket was tucked tightly around him.

"No," she said softly. "It wasn't. They are so sweet. Nate looks just like you…"

"Yeah, he does," Ed admitted. "Poor kid."

Olivia laughed. "I happen to think that's a good thing."

They walked a little further before Olivia grabbed his arm and held on as they continued. "Emma was quiet," she said. "I pictured her to be a bit more…"

"Boisterous?" Ed asked with a smirk, getting another laugh. He loved making Olivia laugh.

"Maybe not boisterous," she said, shaking her head. "But a little more outgoing. I'm sure this was…weird, hard even, for her."

"Nah," Ed said. "She's actually reserved around anyone new. Always has been. Once she warms up, which can take a while, but once she's there…then ya get to boisterous."

They had stopped at an intersection to wait for the light to turn. Olivia gripped Ed's arm tighter and looked up at him

"I can't wait."

They continued to stroll at a semi-leisurely pace until they reached Olivia's building. The doorman held the door open and greeted them each by name. Waiting for the elevator, Ed leaned over, hands still on the stroller, and nuzzled Olivia's neck.

"Can I help you?" She teased as they stepped into the elevator, Olivia pressing her floor.

"Just wanted to be close to ya," Ed said, leaning back in and nipping at her jaw. "I like being close to you…"

"Ed…" Olivia whispered, playfully shoving him away as they reached her floor. She unlocked the door and held it open for Ed to push Noah in, watching lovingly as he gently took the little boy from the stroller and expertly got his jacket and hat off without so much of a whimper.

"Night, little man," he whispered before handing him over to Olivia.

"Let me put him down," she said. "Don't leave just yet."

It wasn't five minutes before Olivia was back in the living room in her pajamas. She made a beeline for Ed, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him deeply.

"Thank you for today," she said, coming up for air and then devouring his mouth again.

Ed, ever the wiling participant, pulled her closer and ran one hand up her back to tangle in her hair. "Liv…" he rasped, finally pulling back and tracing her cheek with his knuckles. "Thank _you_ for today."

"Text me later?" She asked, eyes hopeful but still slightly dazed from their mini make-out session.

"You bet. G'night, Olivia."

* * *

"So…" Emma said, bouncing out from the back hallway where she had washed her face and put on her pajamas. She plopped onto the couch and curled up in the corner facing Nate, who had already donned sweats and was on his computer.

"So…what?" Nate teased, knowing what Emma meant but deciding she should work for it.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, she rolled her eyes. "Olivia? Hello?"

"I knew what you meant," he said. "I like her. You?"

"I like her too," Emma agreed, chewing on her bottom lip contemplatively. "Noah liked you."

Nate just smiled. "He's a cool little dude. I hope things work out with him…ya know."

"Wouldn't that be awful?" Emma said, her face sullen as she thought about it. She shook it off and continued. "Dad seems totally smitten."

"Oh, definitely smitten," Nate said with a smirk. "It's a little fun to see that side of him."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Spit it out, sister," Nate finally said, having sensed Emma still had hesitations but was trying to be cool about it. He turned so he was fully facing her.

"Just not sure how we all fit into the same picture," she shrugged. "That's all. Dad seems happy. Olivia seems normal and chill. Noah is cute. It's just…a lot of energy for something that may not work out."

"He's not like mom," Nate said pointedly. "Dad wouldn't have set all of this up if he wasn't serious."

"True…"

"Sometimes change isn't easy," Nate said wisely. "I'm a little nervous myself, but I think this could work."

"Yeah," Emma whispered, deciding she was done with the conversation and stared out of the large living room window over Manhattan. Just then, the lock and door jiggled and Ed came in. They could hear him open and close the closet, presumably taking off his outwear and shoes, and pad towards them in the living room. He sat himself in the arm chair and rubbed his hands together in an attempt to warm them up.

"What are you two up to?" He asked, assuming they had been chatting about Olivia but figured he would let them start that conversation with him.

"Just recapping," Nate said. "Olivia's really nice, Dad."

"No arguments here," Ed replied with a smile. "I figured ya would like her. Hard not to."

Emma nodded. "Yeah," she finally chimed in. "She seems great."

Ed shifted a little in his seat, unsure where to take the rest of the conversation. He wanted to carve out more time in the next two days for the five of them to spend time together, but he was cognizant of the limited time he had with his kids. Luckily, Emma saved him the agony over asking.

"Will we see them again before we leave on Sunday?" Her eyes seemed genuinely hopeful, which warmed Ed's heart. His youngest, while quiet for most of the day, seemed more at ease now and was actively wanting to get together again.

"We, Olivia and I, would like that very much," Ed said carefully. "I know tomorrow we have the museum passes, and Emma you wanted to try that crazy mac and cheese place, or whatever it is, down in the village. What do ya think about saving the restaurant for Saturday and inviting Olivia and Noah? He'd probably love it."

Nate and Emma looked at each and Emma shrugged. "Fine with us," Nate said.

"Great. I'm gonna get out of these clothes. Someone pick a movie," Ed said, slapping his hands on his legs and standing up. He laughed to himself as he went back towards his bedroom, hearing his kids argue about whose turn it was.

* * *

Olivia carried Noah's stroller up the stairs at the West 4th subway stop and set him down, tucking their bags back under his seat and taking a minute to get her bearings. She checked her phone, not seeing a message from Ed just yet, and began to walk east in the direction of the restaurant. It had warmed up a bit and in the sun it felt almost warm enough to ditch her jacket. Nevertheless, Olivia kept Noah in his heavy coat and beanie.

"Sweet Noah, we are going to see Ed," she cooed at him, not sure if he was listening but she enjoyed the simplicity of just talking to him whether he understood or not. "And we'll see Nate and Emma again. You liked playing with them the other night, didn't you? And I bet you're gonna like this place we're going to eat."

Olivia felt her phone vibrate in her back pocket and groaned in apprehension of being called in. She had been left alone for the last two days and she was hoping to squeeze out at least half of one more day before getting pulled in.

"Benson," she barked, noticing they had arrived at the restaurant. She saw Emma waving in the window, having already secured the seats. The young girl nudged Ed, seeing Olivia was on the phone, and he trotted out to get Noah.

"I'll get him inside," he said softly, kissing her cheek and heading back in with the stroller.

"Where's the girl now? Yeah. Okay. Do you need me? Okay. Right. Keep me posted. Thanks, Fin."

Breathing out a sigh of relief, Olivia pocketed her phone and made her way inside. Noah was happily in a high chair, waving his arms around as Nate and Emma both talked to him. Ed was sipping his water and eyeing Olivia with a hopeful face.

"Caught a case," she said softly. "They don't need me just yet, but I'm willing to bet my free time is limited."

"Better make the most of it then," Ed said sliding her a menu. "You order up at the counter. Whaddya want?"

Olivia gave Ed her order, offering cash which he just ignored, and then turned back to the three kids.

"How was yesterday? Did you make it to the Tenement Museum?"

"We did," Nate said. "It was…heavy. But also really good, if that makes sense."

"It does," Olivia said. "I haven't been myself, if I'm honest."

"Not exactly an activity that will perk up your day," Emma said. "If you're like my dad, he's always like _why would I wanna go depress myself, my job does it for me. _So we try to keep it light. But he caved this time."

"I tend to agree with his line of thinking," Olivia said, smiling at Emma's attempt at sounding like Ed. "And you do a great impression of your dad."

Emma laughed. "Thanks. Been practicing for years."

The table laughed as Ed came back with their number. "What's so funny?"

"You," Olivia quipped, smiling at him and allowing him to kiss her briefly. Nate smiled, Emma fidgeted, and Ed moved back into his seat to behave himself. Tucking her hair behind her ear, Olivia cleared her throat. "Emma, how did you hear about this spot?"

"Twitter," she said. "There's an account that gives alllllll the good, local New York information. Some stuff I actually remember from living here."

"Well," Ed said, leaning back in his chair. "Ya haven't been gone but a few years. Still a New Yorker, kid."

"Good," Emma said, giving Olivia the impression that she missed living in the city but she didn't want to pry into that further just yet. "But, I don't mind year round warm weather. An okay consolation prize."

Ed just grunted.

"Daddy, come on," she teased. "You know you like coming out for Christmas each year and avoiding the snow."

Olivia forced a smile on her face. She had been working up the courage to ask Ed if he wanted to spend Christmas with her and Noah, picturing the two of them getting a tree, decorating, staying up late on Christmas Eve to wrap Noah's presents, and then waking up together that morning. Mentally kicking herself, she didn't let her disappointment show. Of course he would be spending Christmas with his kids, and she was surprised that she didn't even think of that.

"Dad always rents the same condo," Nate explained, seeing Olivia grow silent. "About an hour north of LA. We all have Christmas Eve together at our mom's, then the next morning we have a big breakfast, exchange presents, then spend a couple of days just the three of us in the condo."

Ed shifted a little bit, having not divulged to Olivia that he typically spent Christmas Eve with his ex-wife.

"Its the one time of year Suzanne and I can make work," he said softly, leaning in to Olivia's ear. "Decided a long time ago we owed it to the kids to at least make Christmas work."

"Well, her moving us to LA didn't exactly make it easy," Emma said, rolling her eyes. "But Dad just comes to us now."

Olivia smiled and patted Ed's thigh, trying to ease his nerves at the subject at hand. "I think that's really nice," she said genuinely. "Though it seems strange to have a warm Christmas, having lived in New York my entire life."

"It is," Nate muttered, but caught himself before saying anything else. It became clear to Olivia that, though grown, Ed's kids were still adjusting to having an entire country between them and their father. Silently chastising herself for feeling upset about her own Christmas idea not being a reality, she added in her own plans.

"This'll be my first Christmas with this guy," she said, tugging on Noah's foot and smiling at him. "Right now I'm just trying to control my urge to buy him…well…everything."

Emma's face lit up as she sat up straighter. "Ohmigosh shopping for him would be so fun!"

Seeing an opportunity grow her relationship, Olivia was about to suggest that she could join her for a shopping trip after they had lunch, but food was delivered right as she opened her mouth. It took several minutes for the group to divide up everything they ordered. Olivia made Noah a smaller plate, making sure to mash everything into chewable bites. She took her first bite of the buffalo macaroni and cheese she ordered and commented how good it was. The table grew quiet again with everyone eating. It stayed that way, with the occasionally commentary, when Olivia's phone started buzzing on the table.

Groaning, she quickly swallowed, wiped her mouth, and excused herself to take the call outside. Ed watched her, his face unable to hide his disappointment that she was likely getting called in.

"She's gonna have to leave?" Emma asked, her voice also a little let down.

"I dunno," Ed said. "It's likely. I think they caught a big case…"

"Well," Emma said, perking up a bit. "We can just hang out with Noah!"

Ed eyed his kids, confirming they were okay sharing their last day with Noah and they both nodded. As predicted, Olivia returned to the table and softly told them she was going to have to eat quickly and head back uptown. Ed could see a deep disappointment in her face as she leaned over and gave Noah a couple of bites.

"Eat up, sweet boy," she encouraged. "Lucy's gonna meet us at the apartment."

"We can keep him!" Emma said, before Ed had a chance to offer. Her face looked hopeful, and Olivia noticed she was about as upbeat as she had seen since meeting. Eyeing Ed, who nodded his agreement, she turned back to the older kids.

"Are you sure?" She asked. "I'm not sure how long I'll be."

"It'll be fun," Nate chimed in.

"Yeah," Emma said. "Then we know we'll get to see you once more before we go."

Olivia's heart swelled at the comment. His kids wanted to see her one more time over the trip. Looking at Noah and taking a deep breath, she finally agreed.

"Okay," she said, turning to Ed. "He has stuff in his bag. And you still have some things at your place. Do you need me to give you my key?"

"Nah," Ed said. "We'll be fine."

"Okay then," Olivia said, gathering her things and standing up. "I guess I'll see everyone…at some point." She leaned down and kissed Noah all over his face, eliciting shrieks and giggles. The little boy reached up to grab onto her face and hair. "You be good, sweet boy. Have fun with Ed, Nate, and Emma. And I'll be back before you know it."

Sensing she was departing, Noah's moved to grip her jacket and began to fuss.

"Shh, shh, sweet Noah," Olivia cooed. "It's okay. I'll be back soon. You're gonna have so much fun."

Noah's chin trembled and tears began to tumble. Olivia looked helplessly at Ed who moved in to distract the little boy.

"Hey, No, how about ya try this?" He handed him his spoon and Noah took it inquisitively, sniffed it, and touched it to his mouth.

Olivia took that moment to back away. She mouthed a thank you to Emma and Nate who watched her go, and headed out of the restaurant. As soon as she was out of sight, Noah apparently decided he didn't like the food Ed gave him and slung it, managing to hit Ed right in the face.

Emma and Nate burst into laughter, followed by Noah, and eventually followed by Ed. He wiped the food off of his face and shook his head, more than happy to be a reason the three kids at the table were just laughing away.

"Ya know, Noah" Ed began, "I was hoping you would be on my side."

Emma just shrugged. "We'll eventually convert Olivia too, Dad."

Elated that there was a mention of the future, but refusing to let it show, Ed threw his napkin down, sat back in his chair, and pretended to grumble.

"Wonderful."

* * *

_**Hmmm, is something building on the horizon? Don't worry - things are gonna pick up soon...but first, review!**_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"How long will this take?" Olivia asked, following Jim, the contractor, out of her back bedroom and into the living area where he left the hard notebook he needed to get all the measurements and details written down.

"Well, your room is large. Should be relatively easy to split it down the middle and add a couple doors, creating a small hallway here," he gestured, keeping it simple which Olivia appreciated. "I imagine you'll want a small closet carved out for the second room?"

"Yes," she replied. "And I'd like the molding to match throughout, and fresh paint in the rooms."

"So…four to six weeks," he said, scribbling things down. "We need ya to get board approval from the building, we'll take care of any permits, and can aim to start after the new year."

Olivia shifted from foot to foot and crossed her arms. "I need this done by March at the latest," she said. "I have to have a legal, two bedroom apartment."

Judge Linden had said at the one year mark Olivia could legally adopt Noah. With the help of Trevor Langan, they worked backwards from the proposed May date and made plans to begin filing paperwork, hopeful she would be cleared and able to move forward as soon as possible. Trevor was busy making sure there were no blood relatives in the picture and trying to circumvent any potential curveball, while Olivia was making sure she had everything in order on her end. Her first step, however, was to make sure Noah had a bedroom. Olivia tossed around the idea of moving, but she loved her apartment. It was a secure building, near plenty of parks, and was zoned for good schools. She quickly decided to convert her current place, got a couple of bids, and with Ed's help, selected this company. Once the project was complete, she could file paperwork and set up a series of home visits.

Jim looked up. He didn't show much compassion, but he gave the impression that he understood the importance. "Barring something catastrophic, that won't be a problem," he said. "First few weeks we'll need ya out so we can demo a bit and reconfigure. Once the basic walls are up, you can be here at night at least. Got somewhere to go?"

"I'll figure it out."

"Great," he said, tearing off a copy of his estimate and packing up. "I'll talk to my guys, you get board approval, and we'll go from there."

"Thank you," Olivia said, walking him to the door. Once it was closed, she turned all the locks and leaned her back against it, letting her head fall back and closed her eyes. Nerves fried, she made her way into the kitchen and poured a glass of red wine, checking her messages. She had one from Lucy, indicating she would be bringing Noah back within the hour and two from Ed, asking how the visit went and if he could bring dinner. Olivia sent Lucy a response but waited on Ed's. She collapsed onto her couch and took a big sip of her drink. It had been a little while since she had a quiet apartment, all to herself. She needed a little time to calm her anxiety about the impending project and timeline for Noah's adoption before giving Ed the green light to head over. She took another sip before setting her stemless glass on the coffee table and letting her head fall into her hands.

"Deep breaths, Olivia," she said to herself. "Deep breaths."

* * *

"You okay?" Ed finally asked, having noticed something was off with Olivia for the first hour he was over. Noah was holding onto the coffee table, inching his way around and making sure to take each magazine and toss it to the ground before moving to another section. Olivia was content to let him do as he pleased.

"Yeah," she said softly, not diverting her eyes from Noah. "I'm fine. Just tired."

Ed cocked his head to the side and studied her profile. She had scrubbed all of her makeup off before his arrival and had put on her lounge clothes. For Ed, this was his favorite look of hers, completely natural. She was beautiful and each time he got to see her like this, he felt a deep sense of gratitude. But he also felt responsibility, for Olivia did not trust easily, and he was determined not to fuck this up.

"Ya sure?" Ed didn't want to push, but she had been quiet all night. She made small talk over dinner, updating him on the construction timeline, but not offering much more than bare bone information. He quickly got the sense she didn't want to talk about it, that she was overwhelmed, so he shelved the conversation momentarily. But he didn't want to let her stew by herself much longer.

"Yeah," she said again, though this time it came out as an exhausted sigh. "It's just…a lot."

Reaching out to play with a strand of her hair that had falling from its clip, Ed remained silent. He knew enough about Olivia Benson to know not to push hard, that she would talk in her own time.

"Trevor is…digging," she allowed. "Making sure there aren't traces of relatives. And I'm just…on edge. The construction is the least of my worries, I suppose." She quieted for a second and allowed herself to be comforted momentarily by Ed's touch. Letting out a chuckle she gave him a side glance. "Though I will need to purge my closet if its getting cut in half."

"Sure ya don't want them to go ahead and start working?" Ed asked, knowing she was stressed about the timeline, but he also recognized her deep desire to have a normal, first Christmas with her little boy.

"Noah's had a rough enough start," she said. "Who even knows what his actual first Christmas was like." Her voice broke a little bit at her last statement and she quickly reached up to swipe under her eyes. "He would've been…weeks old and, well, God only knows…"

"Listen, Liv," Ed began, but Olivia shook her head.

"Ed, it's okay," she said. "I understand."

"No, let me say this," he said, firm in making sure they were on even ground. "I didn't purposely leave out that I typically spend Christmas Eve with Suzanne and the kids. I was…waiting…for the time to bring it up."

"Ed, I promise it's okay," Olivia said, reaching for his hand and kissing the top of it. "Your kids have to be your priority."

Ed gazed at her for a little bit as she tried to smile and hide the disappointment. He was grateful for her efforts, but it didn't make him feel much better.

"Maybe," he said slowly. "But that doesn't mean you aren't one."

She ran her fingers along the fabric of her couch, eyes following its path. "Not easy," she said softly. "Trying to…do this."

Ed reached out and grasped her hand again, effectively stopping her movement and causing her to finally look up and deep into his eyes. "We _can_ do this, Olivia," he said with a slight desperation in his voice. "We can. It may not be easy, but ya gotta trust this. Trust us."

"Okay," Olivia whispered. "I trust you."

* * *

"Carisi…" Olivia said, not attempting to hide the annoyance in her tone. "Just…figure it out."

Sonny nodded and made a hasty exit. Given his bumpy start, the young detective was quick to listen to Olivia and do as she wished. Even Olivia had to admit that Carisi was growing on her and slowly beginning to find a place in her squad. But his annoying tendencies still surfaced, and she was not in the mood to deal with him today.

Once the door closed, she pushed back in her chair and spun around, admiring the couple of photos she had finally placed on her credenza of Noah and then gazed out the windows. They were five days from Christmas. Most of her shopping was done, but nothing was wrapped. She had invited Ed over for the night, hoping they could tackle the wrapping together once Noah was asleep. There had been a subtle tension between the two of them recently, and Olivia couldn't quite put her finger on it. Sure, she was disappointed about Christmas but there was a part of her that was also relieved. Thanksgiving together was one thing, but sharing her first Christmas with Noah seemed like a larger step. Blaming it on the upcoming construction and adoption proceedings, she went ahead and invited him with the hope of smoothing out the underlying worry before they parted for the holiday.

A knock on her door interrupted her thoughts. "Come in," she called, clearing her throat. Amanda Rollins peeked her head in.

"Ya got a sec?"

"Of course," Olivia said, turning her chair back around, but still leaning back as if to present a more casual environment.

Amanda sat down in the chair across from Olivia's desk and leaned forward, playing with her fingers. Olivia let her sit for a little bit, hoping she would reveal why she had popped in, but she never did.

"What's up, Amanda?"

The detective finally looked up. "I was wondering," she began, "if we usually have someone in the office over the holiday, or if people are just on call?"

Olivia shuffled a few folders around on her desk, as she imagined Amanda was about to make a last minute request for time off, which she was unlikely to be able to accommodate.

"I only ask because I know Fin has his son in town, Nick is traveling, Carisi has…family," she said. "And this is your first Christmas with Noah. So, I could be here. Ya know, if someone needs to be."

Olivia paused and finally took a good look at the blonde. Assuming she would either be with her sister, or perhaps even Nick, Olivia hadn't considered that Amanda had no plans. She didn't seem upset, however, and her offer to work felt genuine.

"Rollins, no one has to be here," Olivia said, folding her hands in front of her. "I've got you first on the call-in list, but you don't have to give up your holiday."

Amanda was quiet. Olivia studied her face and leaned back in her chair slightly. "You have plans for the day?"

"Nah," she said. "Keeping my distance for now…"

Olivia chewed her bottom lip, unsure of how to proceed. After years of spending holidays alone and working, Olivia had a deep understanding of how Amanda was feeling. She used to sacrifice her holidays for Elliot each year, and never thought twice about having Chinese food delivered to the precinct that afternoon, despite Cragen insisting she could stay home unless a call came in. This year would be different, and Olivia couldn't help but feel a little selfish with her day. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that adult interaction later in the evening might be a welcomed activity.

"Well," she said softly and slowly. "If no case comes up, why don't you stop by Christmas Day, maybe that evening. We can have a drink and see if Noah is at all interested in all the things I bought him…"

Amanda looked surprised, but offered a small smile. "Are you sure?"

Olivia just nodded.

"That sounds nice, thanks Liv," she said. "I guess I assumed you would be with Tucker…"

Olivia stiffened at the mention, not going unnoticed by Amanda.

"Everything okay?"

"Of course," she responded. "He'll be in California with his kids."

"Ah," Amanda said, shifting as the room suddenly had a different tone. "Well, I'm gonna head out. See you tomorrow?"

"Absolutely. Goodnight, Detective."

* * *

Olivia let out a soft sigh and turned over. The sun was just beginning to rise, sending a soft stream of light into her bedroom. Without opening her eyes, she nestled herself into Ed's t-shirt covered chest and smiled as he traced a finger up and down her arm.

"What time is your flight," she whispered, her foot teasing at his ankle.

"Two," he said. "I have time…"

"Mmmmm. Five more minutes then…let's shower before Noah wakes up."

Ed smirked, held Olivia more tightly against his body, and kissed the top of her head. "Whatever you want."

Ed had come over the night before to help wrap Noah's presents. He had originally planned to head home that same evening, but surprised Olivia by announcing he was already packed and could stay, if she wanted. Elated, she didn't bat an eye at his assumption that he would be welcome. They spent the evening with Noah and once he was asleep, assembled a Little Tykes car that Olivia purchased, despite it potentially being a little big for him, and wrapped the rest of his toys and clothes before stashing them away in the back closet.

"I probably went overboard," she had mumbled at one point.

Ed just kissed the side of her head. "No such thing. Not for this. Not for Noah."

Olivia smiled thinking back to that moment as Ed's touch sent tingles down her spine. She rolled out of bed only two minutes into the originally planned five, beckoned him to quietly follow her, and started the water. The made quick work of stripping each other of their pajamas and clumsily kissed as they stepped into Olivia's shower.

"Shhhh," Olivia said through laughter, afraid of waking Noah. "I need this…"

Ed covered her mouth with his, kissing her deeply. He ran his hands up her sides, caressing the sides of her breasts, before tangling in her now wet locks and tilting her head back, giving him more access to her mouth. Olivia kissed back with equal passion, her whimpers muffled, but no less of a turn on for Ed. He pried his lips from her mouth and made his way across her cheek, down her jaw bone, and from one side of her neck to the other.

"_Ed…_"

His mouth kept going lower. He stopped for quite a while to kiss and nip at her breasts, before continuing his trail down her body.

"_Oh god…_"

Ed paused from where he was lightly running his tongue up her left thigh and smirked.

"Shhhh," he whispered. "You may wanna cover your mouth."

Olivia bit down on her bottom lip and her eyes rolled back as she allowed herself to get lost in the immense pleasure Ed Tucker was giving her.

Forty-five minutes later the couple was sated, showered, and dressed in casual clothes. Olivia put on a pot a coffee and went back to get Noah, who had begun to stir right as they stepped out of the shower.

"Good morning, sweet Noah," Olivia cooed as she lifted him from his crib. Noah, though awake, yawned and settled his face into Olivia's neck. "Still tired, baby?" She swayed a little bit as she moved around and got him on the changing table. "Let's get you a fresh diaper, and maybe we'll put you back in clean pajamas." Olivia leaned down and nuzzled Noah's face with her nose, eliciting shrieks and giggles. "There's my smiley boy," she said. "We have the whole day together. Ed's making some breakfast. Maybe we'll watch some cartoons. Whatever you want to do, sweet boy."

Noah blinked up at her and smiled, batting his arms around and grabbing at her face.

"I love you," she whispered, kissing at his chubby cheeks. "I love you, Noah."

At first, Olivia had hesitated to use those words. She was terrified to let herself fall in love with this baby only to have him taken away, but eventually the words came naturally. Noah deserved to be loved. And, despite her fear it would be temporary, she knew she deserved to love him. All of a sudden, the words came easily to her. Olivia was convinced, deep down, Noah knew what the words meant as his eyes would sparkle as he gazed at her every time she spoke.

"Come on," she said, hoisting him up into the air, blowing air onto his belly, before cuddling him into her chest. "Let's go check on Ed."

She could hear the sizzle of bacon before the smell hit her nostrils and she paused. Ed Tucker, freshly showered, wearing jeans and tight fitting navy polo, was cooking breakfast in her kitchen. Olivia desperately wanted to freeze that moment in time, but she could feel a tiny bit of sadness bubbling up in her gut, knowing he was departing that afternoon for a full week in California. Shaking it off for the time being, she smiled and moved around to sit on a barstool, Noah perched in her lap.

"Smells good," she said. "Can I help?"

Ed just smiled. "Nah," he said. "I got it. Almost ready." He fixed up Noah's plate first, partitioning the eggs and mashed up banana into separate areas of the plate. He placed it on the island, letting the eggs cool, while he dished out helpings onto the two larger plates. Olivia place Noah in his high chair, wrapped a bib around his neck, and handed him the plate with his rubber spoon.

"Go ahead and try, Noah," she said, encouraging him to see if he could feed himself. He often would make a valiant effort, only to wind up with food everywhere and Olivia would eventually intervene. But she had to admit that it was adorable to watch how earnestly he tried to get food on his spoon and make it into his mouth.

Ed set a plate in front of her and sat down on the other stool. "Hey, listen, Liv, I was thinkin'."

"Uh oh," Olivia said, smirking as she sipped her coffee and raised her eyebrows at him.

"Funny," he quipped dryly. "Nah, I was just thinkin'…why don't you and Noah stay with me while your apartment is being worked on?"

Olivia felt her stomach drop as she placed her fork and napkin onto the bar and lowered her eyes, hearing Ed continue his reasoning.

"Look, it's not permanent. But it's silly for you to find a temporary sublet or stay in a hotel when I have two perfectly good bedrooms for you to utilize," he explained. As he saw the expression change from humor to nervous and perhaps afraid, he tried to speak quickly. "I just mean…this makes sense, Olivia. And it's easy. And you'll have help with Noah, too."

Olivia remained silent and looked down at her lap, trying to figure out why this idea caused so much anxiety to bubble up in her gut. Ed took Olivia's silence to mean she was angry.

"Hey, ya know what, forget I mentioned it," he said, waving it off. "Probably not my best idea."

"No, Ed," she whispered, reaching out and grasping his wrist. "Stop."

He froze.

"I'm not…upset," she explained slowly, but her voice was shaky. "I…are we ready for that?"

Ed just stared at her. "Well, I thought we were," he said softly. "It's just a few weeks…"

"I know…"

"Think about it," he said simply, shrugging his shoulders and finishing off his breakfast. "Think about it over the holidays. The offer stands."

Olivia nodded and went back to her food. The couple made small talk, but focused mostly on Noah for the next hour until Ed reluctantly announced he had to get home, grab his bag, and head to the airport. He kissed Noah's head, wished him a Merry Christmas, and made his way to the door. Olivia followed him, arms wrapped around her waist as if she was unsure where they stood. She watched as Ed put his coat on and patted his pockets for his gloves. Before putting those on, he moved towards Olivia and took her face in his hands, kissing her lips softly.

"Don't…don't stew over this," he whispered. "I'm sorry I brought it up…I thought maybe the offer would be a relief."

"Ed, it's okay" she said. "I'm being…I don't even know."

"It's okay, Olivia. Take your time."

She just nodded and leaned up to kiss his lips. "Merry Christmas, Ed."

"Merry Christmas, Olivia."

"Call me when you land?"

"Of course."

Ed kissed her one last time before opening the door and heading down the hall. He looked back before getting onto the elevator and saw her watching him leave, her bottom lip sucked into her mouth, a classic sign that she was unsettled. Ed was tempted to go back, to try and talk her down from whatever just happened, to explain there was no pressure, but he was pressed for time. Instead he winked at her playfully, which earned a soft smile, and then reluctantly got on the elevator, pressed the button for the lobby, and watched as the doors closed.

* * *

_**Hm. Review, please.**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**Note: This chapter is a little Ed-centric. I'm fascinated with Tucker's backstory and context, which the show robbed us of. And to truly set up the twists and turns I have planned for this story, we need to really get to know the character. So. Enjoy this particular angle into our favorite, blue-eyed IAB Captain. **_

**Chapter 9**

Ed shifted uncomfortably. He took a sip of his coffee and looked out over the bright, open living area of his ex-wife's Los Angeles home. There was a large, full Christmas tree centered in front of floor to ceiling windows. Beautifully wrapped gifts sat untouched around the tree as the sun began to rise and allow light to filter in, adding to the colorful hue the tree lights produced. He thought back to previous years when his kids were younger. They would wake up before their parents and bound down the hallway, waking Ed up who was asleep on the couch and then going to get their mother. Wrapping paper and ribbon would fly through the air, creating giggles and no room or time for any kind of awkward encounter between Ed and Suzanne. The day would always filter through their children, allowing for a comfortable holiday before Ed would depart after a late breakfast. Ed found himself smiling, thinking about how boisterous both Emma and Nate would get after opening their one big present each year. His favorite memory was from years ago. Emma was eight and Nate was ten. They all still lived in New York, and though not financially struggling, money was tight as each parent worked to afford separate apartments large enough for their two young kids to bounce back and forth. Debating on what to get them that year, Ed had stumbled upon an old, Victorian doll house. It was run down, but seemingly in stable, good condition. He purchased it and got to work fixing it up. He'd occasionally enlist his ex wife's opinion on different coloring, etc. He even figured out how to wire it so the doll house had working lights. His smile grew as he remembered Emma running down the hallway and setting her eyes on that dollhouse. She barely even looked at another present that day. Nate had received a bigger bicycle as his larger present that year, which meant the parents took turns either being outside with Nate riding in the cold, or inside with Emma who insisted on at least one other person to help create her imaginary dollhouse world.

Now, however, as the kids were older, they no longer woke up early and there was not the typical larger, unwrapped present to the side of the tree. Both parents now had higher financial means, but they never went overboard. This year presents were more practical, things for Nate's college dorm, higher end clothes and electronics for Emma as she hurdled towards the end of her eleventh grade year, and money. Though Ed, one who liked to keep tradition, wrapped up some larger bills in several different boxes of varying sizes. He smirked as he envisioned the eye rolls he would receive once his teenaged children decided to wake up and come downstairs.

"Coffee smells good." Ed startled out of his thoughts and turned around to see his ex-wife make her way into the kitchen to fix her morning drink. "Thanks for making it."

"No problem," he said.

"Sleep okay in the guest bedroom?"

"I did," he allowed, not letting on that he had tossed and turned most of the night, checking in often with Olivia who didn't seem to be sleeping any more than he was. "I wake up earlier and earlier as I get older."

Suzanne let out a soft laugh and came around the large island to stand next to him, looking at the tree. "And our kids sleep later and later…"

Ed grunted. Gone were the days of the kids waking up before them, alleviating the forced time of small talk between two people who had been separated for many years. There were times when Ed wondered if this tradition should end, given the kids were older. But he and Suzanne mutually decided to keep it going until Emma graduated high school, at which point the kids would be old enough to decide on their own what to do, and their parents could finally free themselves of the forced holiday together.

"Emma mentioned you were seeing someone," Suzanne said softly. Her tone was not negative, but more inquisitive. "Olivia?"

"Yeah," Ed allowed. "'Bout six months now, officially."

"Longer than that, unofficially?" Suzanne was teasing, clearly trying to make the morning as easy as possible, which Ed appreciated, but he was reluctant to give away too much information about his relationship with Olivia.

"Somethin' like that," he said. "I've known her for a long time, though not always in a friendly way."

Suzanne laughed. "I can see that."

"Thanks," he grumbled good-naturedly, well aware of the fact that he had gone through many years of being hard and tough.

"She okay that you're here?"

"Of course," Ed replied.

"Emma showed me pictures of Noah," she continued, clearly not letting the subject drop. "He's adorable. Foster son?"

"For now. Hopefully dropping the foster part," Ed replied before turning the topic around. "You?"

"Ah, I've had one here or there," she said whimsically.

"Chris?" Ed asked, uninterested in his ex's relationships as she had many flings over the years, including one that had ultimately ended their marriage, but Chris was a name both Emma and Nate had mentioned a few times over the last couple of years.

"On and off. He'll stop by this afternoon, once we finish up here."

Ed nodded, done with the conversation, and checked his watch. "Imma go wake them up," he mumbled, setting his coffee down and wandering up the stairs.

* * *

Olivia finished shoving the last of the Santa themed wrapping paper into a garbage bag, sealed it, and left it in the foyer so she could take it down to the shute later that afternoon. Her and Noah had a perfect morning. She had let him sleep in the bed with her, curled up in her chest, and he had woken her up around six that morning by gently pawing at her face. When Olivia opened her eyes, she was nose to nose with a smiling, wide awake Noah. She snuggled him for a few minutes before giving him a fresh diaper, washing her face, and holding his hands, helping him walk slowly and crookedly out into the living room.

Olivia enjoyed every last minute of Noah's curious face as he looked at the presents, his slack jaw as he eyed the sparkle of the tree lights, and his giggles as he tried out each new toy he received. Having not paid much attention to the boxes she had unloaded from the closet and arranged under the tree the night before, Olivia did not notice that there were two additional, unfamiliar presents until Noah had opened the last of his.

"What…" she mumbled, trying to figure out what toys the little boy hadn't opened yet, but could think of none. Noah reached under the tree, trying to get to the shiny red packages. They had a sparkly silver ribbon and bow, and once pulled closer, Olivia noticed they were addressed to her; one from Noah and one from Ed. Her heart soared and she bit her lip as she pulled Noah into her lap. "Wanna help me open these, Noah? One is from you!"

"Bababa," Noah mumbled as he put his hands on Olivia's and they unwrapped the first present, marked from Noah. Inside was a gorgeous, silver 8x10 picture frame with one of Olivia's favorite photos of her and Noah. She had taken him to the park with Ed a few months back, and he had unknowingly snapped a picture when Noah had adorably moved to place a slobbery kiss on her nose. On the bottom of the frame was engraved "Our First Christmas" with the date.

Trying not to cry, Olivia smothered Noah's cheeks with kisses. "Thank you, sweet boy. This was so sweet," she cooed, knowing he really had no idea. "Did you get this with Ed?"

At the mention of Ed's name, Noah sat up and looked around, assuming he was there. Olivia let out a chuckle and distracted him with opening the next present, the one from Ed. She took a deep breath as they unwrapped what she assumed to be a necklace box. Noah sat back into her chest and watched as she slowly opened the velvet box.

"Oh my…" she whispered, burying her nose in Noah's hair as a few tears escaped. Inside the box was a delicate gold necklace with Noah's name in small script. Olivia imagined from far away, no one would notice her necklace had a name. It was simple, discreet, and elegant. Exactly what she would have picked out herself, if given the option.

Not wanting to interrupt Ed's morning with his kids, but unable to wait until later that evening to thank him, she snapped a quick picture of the necklace along with a selfie of Noah smiling in her lap, and shot him a quick text. Noah quickly lost interest in the jewelry and frame and crawled out of Olivia's lap and back to his toys. She placed the frame on the console, next to her television for the moment, and moved to put the necklace on despite still being in pajamas. Leaning back against the couch, she smiled and watched Noah play, his eyes sparkling, and allowed a deep sense of gratefulness to wash over her.

* * *

Ed, Nate, and Emma had just wandered back into their Venice Beach condo. The Christmas night sunset had been full of purple and pink hues, and after spending an hour surfing the waves, or in Ed and Emma's case, attempting to surf the waves, the trio trudged back and watched the sun fall below the water line from their balcony.

After living in California for several years, Nate had become an expert surfer. He had immediately taken to the sport, made a few good buddies, and before long he was spending every weekend on one of the many surfing beaches near Los Angeles. Emma, a naturally coordinated and athletic girl, had a harder time learning the skill. Nate was a patient teacher, but Emma wasn't nearly as passionate about learning. However, that didn't stop Nate from taking Emma and Ed out into the waves every chance he got. Ed, despite pushing fifty and only practicing once or twice a year, was surprisingly decent on a surf board. He had splurged and bought all three of them wet suits for Christmas last year, so once they left Suzanne's and checked into their place, the three Tuckers set off for the sand and Nate began to re-teach them how to balance.

After a few good wipe outs, Nate and Ed each caught a few good waves to ride. Emma, tired of hitting the water hard on a fall, drug herself and her board to the shore and watched the guys, cheering them on and videoing a few wipe outs.

"What's Olivia's number, Dad?" Emma was editing on her phone as they lounged, freshly showered, on the condo in the evening dusk. "She needs to see this wipe out."

Ed eyed his daughter out of the corner of his eye. "Ya can't send her a good one before mocking me?"

"No."

Fidgeting a bit, Ed dug around for his phone and shot off a quick text to Olivia, clearing his handing her number to his daughter. Despite communicating regularly the last couple of days, Ed was still stewing over the tension left between the two of them. He was kicking himself for leaving with that still in the air, but Ed had been left with no choice and deep down he knew that Olivia understood. Scratching the back of his head, he waited for her reply and hoped Emma wouldn't push.

"Dad?"

Both kids had been eyeing him, seeing his mind wander briefly. Nate was the one who called him on it.

"Everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah, everything's fine," Ed said quickly, waving off the notion of unrest. He placed his phone on the coffee table and leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and eyed both of his kids. "Olivia is a private person. I want to check before handing her number, though I imagine she will be happy you want to send her embarrassing videos."

Emma took a sip of her soda and stretched her legs onto the railing of the balcony. "I would be private too if I had to deal with that pyscho," she mumbled.

"Emma!" Nate scolded, his eyes wide. Both kids had googled their dad's girlfriend and stumbled upon article after article of her ordeal with William Lewis, but they had come to a mutual agreement never to bring it up. Emma, typically a vault when it came to this kind of stuff, threw her head back in anger at herself for letting the comment slip.

"Sorry, dad," she mumbled. "I shouldn't have brought it up…"

Ed went to reply, but his phone buzzed. He smiled softly at Olivia's used of the "wink" emoji and he then shared her contact information with both Nate and Emma. "There," he muttered good-naturedly. "Knock yourself out."

Emma smiled, saved the number, and scrolled through to carefully select the videos and pictures to send to Olivia. She included a quick text of "He'll be glad to get back home to you. We are torturing him." Emma hit send, waited for it to go through, the put her phone on the arm of the chair before turning back to Ed.

"I'm really sorry, dad," she said. "I'm sure you don't wanna think about it. We were just…curious about her. We didn't know…"

"Nah, it's okay," Ed said, rubbing his face and taking a sip of his own soda. "It's not…a secret. It's just…well, not something we typically wanna talk about."

"Is she okay?" Emma's eyes were wide as she asked her question innocently, but Ed sensed a deep meaning behind it. Nate, who had been quiet since admonishing his sister, also leaned forward to listen intently.

"She is," Ed said slowly. "I imagine she will always have…issues…around it. Noah has been a bright spot. I'd like to think I have been a bright spot as well."

"Yeah except you're not very bright," Emma quipped, trying her best to abate the tense topic of conversation and succeeding. Ed tossed a napkin at her playfully. Nate was not as easily assuaged.

"Olivia's really okay you're here? This stuff was…well not all that long ago?"

"She's okay," Ed assured them, playing with the top of his soda can and wanting to end the topic of conversation. "Left with a little tension. But nothing we can't handle."

"Good," Nate said. "We like her."

"So do I, son."

* * *

"Captain, Eileen," Olivia said warmly, opening the door and inviting them in. "Such a nice surprise."

Don Cragen hung his coat on the hook in the foyer and helped Eileen with hers before following Olivia into the living room where Noah sitting almost under the tree, playing with a new set of blocks. He had called Olivia a couple hours before, stating that they were in town for a few days and had finished with Eileen's family early. He hinted at wanting to meet Noah, and Olivia jumped at the chance to have him over, especially given Amanda had ended up elsewhere that day.

"I just made some hot chocolate if you want some," she offered before chuckling. "Well, lukewarm chocolate. Noah can't have hot just yet…"

Eileen gave Noah a huge smile. "Lukewarm chocolate sounds just fine," she said genuinely, before squatting in front of Noah and speaking to him. He warmed up quickly, handed her a block, and before long Eileen and Noah seemed to be best friends.

"That was fast," Olivia said, handing them both a mug and settling on the couch. Cragen sat down in the arm chair and sipped the drink.

"Eileen likes kids," he explained, watching her interact with Noah. "Probably more than she likes me."

The adults laughed and Noah joined in with his own giggles, though totally unaware of what was funny.

"Have a good Christmas?"

Olivia shifted and nodded towards the tree. "Oh yeah," she said. "He won't need any new toys for about three years."

"I'm sure it's hard not to spoil him" Cragen allowed, before leaning forward and giving Olivia his undivided attention. "How long until it's…official?"

"Hopefully this spring," she offered, tucking her hair behind her ear, and hoping that Cragen wouldn't push as this was a conversation that she was tired of having giving the anxiety it brought up. He must have gotten the message.

"I, uh, hear you've befriended Tucker…" Cragen's face was pensive, but he had a small smirk as he looked at, arguably, his favorite detective.

Olivia's head snapped up, her eyes wide. "Who told you that?"

"Ah, the NYPD rumor mill is strong," he offered. "Never quite got out of it."

"He's…_here_," Olivia said, meaning that she was allowing Ed Tucker to be present in her life and he was seemingly sticking with her, unlike others she had dated. Cragen understood exactly what that word meant. "I'm sure you think I'm crazy, just like everyone else. Hell, sometimes I think I'm crazy."

"Is he good to you?" Eileen was busy playing with Noah, hearing the conversation but knowing that Don wanted a little time. He made eye contact with Olivia and waited patiently for her answer. She took a few deep breaths before allowing a small smile, which told Cragen everything he needed to know.

"He is."

"Then screw everyone else."

* * *

_**Review if you're ready for Ed to return from Cali. **_


	10. Chapter 10

_**Sorry for the delay, work has been crazy and my motivation has been low...but, enjoy!**_

**Chapter 10**

Olivia tugged her jacket further around her body with gloved hands. After a long day, both in court and all but forcing Amanda to see her therapist, she was eager to see her little boy. Choosing to walk home in order to clear her head, her nose had developed a red tone and she constantly had to swipe at the snow flakes that were beginning to fall. They had predicted only a light dusting, but Olivia was still annoyed. She was also feeling run-down, which she assumed had to do with the emotional case they just wrapped up. Despite all of that was swirling in her head, she broke into a wide, authentic smile as she rounded the corner and saw Ed Tucker leaning against the railing outside her building. He, too, was bundled up and she could see his breath as he would breathe in and out. Finally noticing her, he pushed himself off the railing and stood, his own smirk lighting up his eyes as Olivia quickly took the last few steps towards him and into his arms.

"Hi," she breathed out, tucking her face into his neck and taking a long, deep breath.

"Hey yourself," Ed said, burying his nose in her beanie, slightly disappointed it covered up the normal scent of her shampoo in which he had come to find immense comfort. "Com'on, let's getcha inside. Cold out here."

Keep his arm around her shoulder, they ambled their way into the building, nodded to the doorman, and stepped into the elevator. Olivia took her gloves off, shook them before putting them in her pockets, peeled her beanie off and held it in her teeth as she semi unbuttoned her jacket.

"I hate winter" she mumbled. Ed took the beanie from her, merely so he could understand what she was saying. "Freezing outside, then I come in here and it's a sauna."

Ed let out a little chuckle. He could see the exhaustion in her face, but knew by her tone that her grumbling was in a good natured way. The elevator doors opened, he threw his arm out just in case they decided to close quickly, and allowed Olivia to lead the way to her door. Once inside, he took her coat and shook her boots off over the rug while she made a beeline for Noah. He had been happily sitting in Lucy's lap on the couch, drinking his nightly cup of milk, but as soon as the door opened, the little boy was scrambling for Olivia.

Standing to the side, Ed's heart melted as he watched Olivia scoop Noah up and embrace the little boy. He grabbed clumps of Olivia's snow-matted hair and held them tightly, sending a clear message that he was done being without her for the day.

"How'd he do today?" She asked, swaying Noah back and forth as Lucy stood and gathered her things.

"He was fine," she said. "A little tired."

"Mmm, to be expected. Bedtime has been lax recently," Olivia commented. "I'm going in late tomorrow," she explained. "It's been a long week. Maybe come around ten?"

"Of course. Night, Olivia" Lucy said, heading towards the door, nodding at Ed. "Lieutenant."

Ed watched Lucy into the elevator, accustomed to making sure everyone was where they needed to be safely. He closed and locked the door, presuming he was invited to stay at least for a couple of hours.

"I wanna get him in the tub," Olivia said softly. "Spend a little time…you wanna go through the takeout menus and order? I'll have…whatever you're having."

The awkwardness that Ed was expecting was virtually non-existent for the moment. He thought perhaps it would come back once Noah was in bed, if he was still there, but for now it seemed like business as usual for the two of them. Hoping they could still clear the air, but know that it would be long after Noah was tucked in, Ed was content to just hang out and do whatever he needed to do.

Olivia let out a series of sneezes at that point, startling Noah and then causing him to giggle at the noise.

"You think that's funny, baby boy?" she cooed, nuzzling his cheek. Ed cocked his head and really took her appearance in. She had circles under her eyes and though the brown still had a tiny sparkle, they lacked their usual luster. Her face had been flushed when he first saw her outside, but Ed had chalked that up to the bitter cold. Now, however, he wasn't so sure. Olivia looked exhausted.

"Of course," he said, making himself at home in her kitchen. "I'm thinking some kind of hot soup…"

"Mmmm," she moaned, kicking a few toys and heading into the back. "You read my mind…"

A few hours later, Ed and Olivia were camped on her couch. Empty bowls of wonton and hot and sour soup sat on the coffee table. Ed had added generous portions of bourbon to some apple cider Olivia still had in the refrigerator and watched as she curled back into the corner created by the arm of the couch with her legs crossed in front of her and blew into her mug.

"This is good," she said.

"Good," Ed responded, taking his own sip. A silence fell over them, slightly awkward but not suffocatingly so. It was almost as if neither one knew where to begin. They both let it sit for a bit before Ed decided he was going to have to make the first move. "Listen, Liv, I'm sorry about how we left things…"

"Ed…"

"Lemme just…get this out," he said, rarely interrupting her but wanting to get everything off his chest before they got sidetracked, he lost his nerve, or both. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot or pressure ya. I know this is…still new. And I also know that we haven't really put a label on what we are doing here. I'm just…tryin' to give ya space. But I…" he paused, set his mug down, and leaned towards her. Olivia followed suit and allowed him to take her hands. She bit her bottom lip but kept her eyes on his. "I want ya to know I'm here. Okay? That's all. And…if ya wanna stay in a hotel or whatever, that's fine. I'm still gonna be here."

Olivia tried to give him a small smile, but her lip quivered and she looked down. Before she could stop herself, she mumbled "Ya know, you're not the first guy who's said that to me…"

Feeling the gut punch, but letting it roll off of him, Ed squeezed her hand until she looked back up. Ed knew that her relationship with both David Haden and Brian Cassidy had left a lot to be desired. He knew Cassidy more than Haden, but Ed was acutely aware that neither man followed through on being there for Olivia, despite their promises, and also despite the unimaginable trauma she had endured. Ed also was aware, though she had never vocalized it, that Olivia had convinced herself it was because she was too difficult to love, and he had now made it his life's mission to show her otherwise.

"I know I'm not," he said softly. "And I know it'll take time for me to prove to you that I'm not them. But I'm gonna do it, Liv, I swear to ya I'm gonna do it. If you'll let me."

"Cragen mentioned he heard about us through the rumor mill," she whispered, catching Ed off guard. He shook it off and leaned towards her a bit more. "When he stopped by Christmas night."

"Ah," he said. They weren't actively keeping their budding relationship a secret, but they had been careful to not disclose anything officially until they both were comfortable. "Ya think he…uh…"

"No," Olivia said quickly, quelling Ed's worry that Cragen would bring it to the higher ups. "He used the term _befriended_, so I'm not too worried about him. But. It does mean there's chatter."

"That bother ya?" Ed moved his hand to twist her wavy locks through his fingers.

"Surprisingly, no," she said. "It doesn't. Does it bother you?"

Ed let out a chuckle. "Not in the least," he said. "The NYPD gossip mill can kiss my ass."

Olivia finally let out a hearty laugh and Ed delighted in the brief return of a full sparkle to her face. The couple returned back to silence, each taking a few more sips of their hot drinks before they cooled off too much. Ed shifted, wanting to ask Olivia how she was feeling about the project, work, and all of the things that were inevitably causing her stress. He assumed her tired features were merely a product of those things, but despite the desire to know, he was a little afraid to push her. Luckily, he didn't have to.

"This case," she began, taking a deep breath, "with Patton….and Rollins. Ya hear about it?"

"A little."

"It's been….tough," she allowed. Olivia paused, suddenly unsure how much she was actually able to divulge to Ed, who was still a highly ranked IAB officer. Ed saw the apprehension.

"It's okay, Liv," he said softly. "As long as she didn't break any laws, her personal history doesn't matter to me."

Breathing out a sigh of relief, Olivia gave Ed a run down of the case, including some of the more tense spots with Amanda. She eventually got to when Amanda disclosed, but didn't give him any detail. She just went with _"She finally told me her…history…from Atlanta."_

Ed nodded and moved a little closer to Olivia, gripping her forearm and lightly stroking it with his thumb. "You still have some pretty fresh wounds yourself," he said, taking a chance with bringing it up. "It hasn't even been a year, Liv."

"Yeah…"

Questions swirled through Ed's mind. Was she okay? Was she still seeing Lindstrom regularly? Did this last case trigger anything for her? But he kept them to himself, hopeful she would offer her own insight.

"So much has changed," she sighed, as she ran her hands through her hair and looked up towards the ceiling. "I went from literally having so little to lose that I…let him just…" Olivia shook her head as her voice broke, gathering herself a little before continue. "To ending up before a Grand Jury, to…Noah. You. A whole new…perspective."

Ed ran a finger over her cheek, in hopes of offering some comfort. But he continued to let her talk, grateful she finally was opening up.

"I'm still so…terrified…it will all disappear," she admitted. "I still struggle with the…aftermath…" Ed noticed she was refusing to use the name William Lewis. Not that he minded, but it was a clear sign she was trying to shove him down as far as she could get him. She wasn't ready to fully go there with him, despite the knowledge he already had. "Maybe that's why I'm hesitant with all of this. It happened so fast…or, maybe it didn't?"

She paused. Ed didn't take his eyes off of her, and he continued his light, comforting touches. "I'm not trying to be difficult, Ed," she finally whispered.

"You're not," he said, refusing to let her second guess that particular part. "And…even when you are, I can handle it. We can go at whatever pace we decide is best. And if I have to spend the next fifty years proving that to you, I will. Unless you kick me to the curb. And even then…"

Olivia let out a laugh, grateful for the reprieve from their heavy conversation. She adjusted herself, turning so she could lean back into his chest. Ed enveloped her in his arms and kissed the top of her head.

"We have time, Liv," he whispered into her ear. "We have all the time we need."

Olivia ran her fingers along his hands and arms, further nestling into his grasp and realizing the immense comfort he provided.

"Ed?"

"Hmm"

"Can Noah and I stay with you?" She asked, her voice almost so quiet he didn't hear her.

"Of course," he said, holding her even tighter. "Of course."

"Good," she said before yawning. "I'm so tired…"

"Close your eyes, Liv," he encouraged. "I'm right here."

* * *

A couple of weeks later, Olivia stood at the end of the long hallway of Ed's apartment, looking into the living room. Noah had quickly made himself at home, his toys in various baskets throughout the open room as he used a push toy to work on his balance. _He'll be walking in no time_, Olivia thought to herself, pride and a little melancholy setting in.

Construction was set to begin at her apartment the next day. It didn't take nearly as long as she anticipated for the condo board to give approval and for the agency to give the okay for her and Noah to temporarily relocate to Ed's apartment. She assumed it helped that they were both NYPD, but both Ed and Olivia were still surprised it went through so quickly. Just as well, they had thought, the construction company had already added a week to the estimated time of completion. Olivia was expecting some delays and had built time in. Nevertheless it was already causing her anxiety to escalate.

Ed's three bedroom apartment felt like a mansion to Olivia. She had put several weeks worth of suits and casual attire in Ed's closet, which had room to spare. They set Noah up in the smaller of the two extra bedrooms. It was used primarily as an office space until his kids came, and Nate crashed on the futon. Ed moved some things around and brought Noah's crib and changing table over. He figured if both his kids came while Olivia and Noah were there, one could either sleep in the living room or they could both stay in the larger of the two extra bedrooms where Emma normally slept. Olivia hadn't been sure if Ed expected her to stay in his room, or she would be in the other guest room. But on the day she brought over her clothes and toiletries, he mentioned he had cleared space in his closet and master bath so her question was answered. Still apprehensive, but incredibly grateful, Olivia unpacked their things and tried to remind herself Ed truly wanted them there. They weren't an imposition.

Olivia breathed in sharply as the felt another series of sneezes coming up.

"Ugh," she mumbled, moving into the living room and reaching for the tissues. Ed came wandering out of the back bedroom.

"Bless you," he said, moving up to her and kissing her head. "Still can't shake that cold?"

"No," she said, her voice sounding a little more hoarse than it had earlier. "It's not even that bad. Like the cold couldn't decide if it was going to infect me or not."

"Ya okay?" Ed studied Olivia's face with a look of concern.

"I'm fine," she said, brushing it off. "Just tired."

Ed shook his head and moved to the window. "Well, it looks like a good day to stay indoors," he announced as big snowflakes began to fall. "Let the little guy play and we can watch a movie. And hope neither one of us gets called in?"

Olivia smiled, before sneezing again and blowing her nose. "I'm gonna take a hot shower," she said. "Then that sounds perfect." As she made her way back towards the master bathroom, she heard Ed's phone ring and his voice soften as he said hello to his daughter. Olivia's smile grew. Despite her apprehension, there was a comfort level she began to experience being around Ed Tucker for the day to day life experience. Deep down she knew she couldn't let herself get too comfortable or grow too accustomed to this kind of life, but for now she was going to try to enjoy every second.

By the time she wandered back into the living room, Ed was on the floor rolling a dump truck back and forth with Noah. The little boy would giggle, struggle to turn it back around, and shove it as hard as he could back to Ed.

"Good job, No," he coached. "Here it comes!"

Noah let out some shrieks, his chubby hands reaching out to try and stop the truck. Olivia laughed at the scene and briefly thought it was one she could look at for years to come. Her gut clenched in fear at that idea so she shook it off and stepped into sight. Ed looked up, his eyes narrowing, and stood up. Grabbing at her hands, he led her over to the couch and sat her down.

"Liv…" he said slowly. "How ya feelin'?"

"Congested…"

Ed tilted his head and felt her forehead. "You don't sound great," he said. "Don't feel warm, though. I'll make tea. You pick the movie." Ed moved into the kitchen, filled his red tea kettle with water, and turned the stove on. "Peppermint?"

Olivia settled into the cushions and gave Ed a teasing smirk. "Never pegged you for a tea kinda guy…"

Ed blushed. "I, er, picked up the kettle and a small supply before ya got here."

Once again, Olivia found herself in awe of the side of Ed Tucker she was now allowed to see. A man who played on the floor with her one year old, joked around with his teenage kids, and went out and stocked his apartment with things he doesn't use, merely because she would be staying there temporarily.

"Thank you," she said softly. "That sounds great."

"That was Emma on the phone," he continued, plopping a tea bag into one of his oversized mugs and moving around his kitchen. "She wants to come this way with a couple of her friends in March, her spring break."

"Oh that'll be fun," Olivia responded, trying to stifle her coughing. The cold was hitting her quickly. "Though, March in New York often isn't fun."

"I told her as much." The tea kettle started whistling. Ed made quick work of preparing her mug and brought it over, settling himself in next to her. "Ya may have to help me. That's a lot of teenage girl time…"

Olivia laughed, but also wondered if Emma would even want her around. "Ah, you'll be fine Lieutenant."

"Mmm, not Lieutenant for long," Ed murmured. "I hope…"

"You keep making me tea, and I'll help ya study."

"You've got yourself a deal, Benson."

* * *

**_Perhaps a bit boring, but it's Tuckson and is that ever really boring? Feel free to help motivate me by leaving a review...the horizon looks awfully interesting..._**


	11. Chapter 11

_**Remember this is only loosely following the show timeline. Tweaks have been made to the timing, the details, and perhaps some of the decisions/outcomes.**_

**Chapter 11**

"Goddamn I am tired," Ed said as he dumped his coat and boots at the door and trudged into the kitchen. He got a glass of water, guzzled it down, winked at Olivia, and headed to the back, presumably to change and shower.

The NYPD Captain's exam only came around once every few years. Ed had been preparing and studying for quite some time. In fact, some consultants even suggested that those who were eyeing that promotion should start their preparation two to three years out, reading once a day for a few minutes so the information would permeate. Ed Tucker, always a stickler for the rules, took that to heart. For as long as Olivia had known him in a more intimate, friendly setting, he had been reading almost every day for about half an hour. The last month she had noticed his study habits much more, given they were still all bunked up in his apartment. He'd stay up late, making a pot of coffee, taking practice exams and going back to study the areas he scored lowest in.

"The higher I score, the higher I am on the eligibility list," he had told Olivia about a week ago as they were laying in bed, enjoying the freeness of not sharing a room with a one year old.

"Is it your competitive streak that makes you want to hit this mark?" She had asked in a teasing tone while running her fingers over his chest. But Ed had grunted and grasped her hand, turning to look at her.

"Sometimes this job is all I have," he said softly, the pain evident in his tone. "Kids are in California. They don't…need me that often. This job…"

Olivia had curled into Ed and held him tightly, fully understanding everything he said, for she felt the same way. Even now, with Noah, she still often struggled with feeling that way. When you give yourself to a job for so long, feel that passion, and are hurt by those things that exist outside of it, the job becomes you. She understood that piece of Ed, and they more they got to know each other, the more she realized they understood more than expected about each other.

The weekend before the exam, Olivia had Lucy take Noah out for a little while each day and she stayed home to quiz Ed and talk through some of the concepts he felt were most likely to dominate the multiple choice exam. At the end of the weekend, when Noah was in bed, she once again quizzed Ed and rewarded each right answer with the removal of a piece of her clothing. He aced that particular quiz, declared himself ready, and dove on top of her, starting what would be a night of playful, louder than normal sex.

Now, Olivia sat on Ed Tucker's couch with Noah curled in her lap and sipping apple juice while she read to him and waited for Ed to resurface. Her apartment was almost complete. They would have been fine moving back in the week before, but the paint fumes were still high and Ed insisted they stay with him a bit longer, despite Emma's impending visit. Olivia had to agree, as she was unwilling to submit Noah to any of those chemicals if she could help it. There was a small part of her that was sad to be going back to her own place, having grown accustomed to having Ed around, but the arrangement had come with many challenges. The couple clearly was not ready to officially cohabitate. In fact, Olivia felt herself grow more anxious the longer they stayed, feeling as if they were moving too fast. So even though she would miss seeing Ed every day, she was ready to get back to her own apartment and routine. Especially since her apartment would now feature a second room for Noah with a door that closed. The closer the time came for her to move back home, however, the more she suspected Ed was likely not looking forward to an empty apartment again.

"Hey," he said, reappearing in sweats and an NYPD t-shirt, startling Olivia out of her thoughts.

"Hey yourself. How did it go?"

Ed plopped himself next to her and leaned his head back onto the cushions, looking up at the ceiling. "Fine. I think. We'll see."

Noah noticed Ed had joined them and crawled over to greet him. He placed a sloppy kiss on his chin and rested against his chest, reaching for Olivia and the book. Ed just laughed and leaned over to rest against Olivia.

"Let's read to Noah, and not talk about it for a little while."

Olivia raised her eyebrows but did as Ed suggested and continued to read softly. By the time she reached the end of the story, both Ed and Noah had dozed off. She reached for her phone, snapped a couple of pictures, then placed the book on the coffee table. Olivia flipped on the evening news and propped her feet up, allowing Ed's body to relax against hers. It wasn't long before all three of them were sound asleep.

* * *

Emma, along with her friends Heather and Amanda, had been at Ed's all of twenty-four hours and his mind was already spinning. He wasn't used to loud, giggly teenage girls at all. Even when Emma was closer, albeit younger, she was quiet. He never got the sense she was an unhappy child, but she was quiet. Now as he sat in his arm chair, attempting to read the paper and drink his coffee, the giggling from the counter was too loud for him to concentrate.

"I wanna go to Saks."

"I wanna do the Museum of Ice Cream!"

"Is that still open?"

"How do we find out?"

"Where's the Gossip Girl hotel?"

"Is it too cold to walk the bridge?"

"New York is so much better than LA…"

The questions and statements fired rapidly, almost on top of each other, and Ed couldn't keep up. He finally rolled his eyes and pretended to go back to the paper, all the while dreading which of these activities he would be forced to participate in. The chatter was interrupted by the return of Olivia and Noah from picking up bagels.

"Hi Noah!" Emma hopped down from the stool and went over the Olivia, taking the bag of bagels and beginning to spread them out on the counter. "Thanks for the bagels, Olivia," she said sincerely. Her voice was slightly less bubbly, but no less sweet. While she had warmed to Olivia a little, there was an awkwardness to them all being in the same space for her visit. Olivia tried her best to stay out of the way and let everyone do their thing, but that wasn't always achievable.

Ed jumped up and kissed Olivia's cheek, muttering a thank you before going to help Emma get knives and other things ready for their late breakfast.

"We were just talking about what we wanted to do today," Emma explained. "A lot of shopping. I'm sure dad is thrilled."

Olivia let out a laugh. "I've never pegged him for a shopper, no," she said teasingly, smirking at Ed as he rolled his eyes.

"I'm not," he said. "Hey Emma, can ya help me with something in the back closet? I wanna try the new espresso machine Nate got me…and I may need an extra set of hands…"

Olivia watched them curiously, knowing the machine was still in a box, but shrugged it off and instead got Noah out of his coat and set him down to play.

"He's sooooo cute," Heather exclaimed, plopping next to him and helping him build. "I'm never around babies…"

"Ugh, my mom's new husband has three year old twins," Amanda said with an eyeroll. "I have too much baby in my life…"

Olivia smiled politely but kept her eye on Noah. She still wasn't sure what her place was in this particular scene. There were more awkward, quiet moments than easy ones, but it had only been a day. Olivia told herself it would ease up, but she was leaning more towards returning to her apartment that week as the minutes ticked by.

Meanwhile down the hallway, Emma stood by the open closet door with an inquisitive look on her face. "You don't need my help, dad," she said. "What's up?"

"Listen, uh," he scratched his head, peering into the closet before looking at Emma. "Whaddya think about Liv taking you three shopping today. I hate shopping and…well…maybe you'd have more fun with her?"

Emma looked at him for a few seconds as she digested the request.

"Does she even want to come with us? She's been pretty quiet since we arrived…"

"Olivia just doesn't want to intrude," Ed explained. "She wants you to warm up to her at your own pace. But I think maybe this is a good chance."

"You just don't wanna go shopping," Emma grumbled. "Okay. I'll ask her."

Ed leaned over and kissed Emma's head. "Thanks, kiddo. Tomorrow I'll take you three to walk the bridge."

Emma skipped down the hallway and went to fix a bagel, buying her some time to work up enough courage to pose the question to the woman standing in her father's living room. She came over and sat at the bar, took a bite, sipped her coffee, and finally turned towards Olivia.

"Olivia?"

"Yes?" Olivia turned around, giving Emma her full attention.

"Um," she began, suddenly a little nervous. "My dad…he hates shopping. So, um, any chance you'd wanna come with us instead?"

Olivia had to keep her jaw from dropping as she looked closely at Emma's facial expression. She assumed Ed had mentioned the idea just now, and Olivia wanted to make sure this wasn't something Emma was being forced into. But all she saw was apprehension, not dread, which her own inner feelings mirrored. She bit her bottom lip and ultimately decided perhaps this would help their relationship.

"Sure," she said, smiling warmly. "Sounds fun. Noah and your dad can have a guys' day."

"Exactly!" Emma said happily, turning back to her bagel.

Olivia's smile grew and she looked at Ed who had returned from the back closet. _Thank you_ she mouthed to him. He just winked and went to plug in the espresso machine.

* * *

Two days later Olivia sat in her office, head in her hands, trying to digest everything that had happened in the past forty-eight hours.

Her outing with the girls had gone well. There were some awkward moments, but for the most part shopping and navigating more touristy areas of the city gave them all a natural piece of conversation. Olivia found herself picking a couple of things out and showing them to Emma, thinking they would look good on the young girl. They laughed over coffee and agreed that Ed Tucker would have had a miserable time. Eventually they all stumbled home, arms full of shopping bags, and decided collectively to just order pizza for dinner. Olivia had been more than happy to treat everyone, since she still felt like she was intruding, and by the time Ed and Noah returned home from one of the indoor playgrounds, pizza boxes were everywhere and a movie was playing.

The tide shifted for Olivia the next day, unfortunately. About midway through her work day, she received a call from Melinda Warner who wanted to stop by and see her. Wanting to run by her apartment to check on progress and paint fume levels, she suggested they meet at her building right after work. Melinda had been waiting for her outside of the entrance when she arrived and it caused Olivia's stomach to clench.

"Come on up," she said, leading the way. Entering her apartment, she noticed the paint fumes were gone and replaced with almost a fresh, new apartment scent. Olivia quickly scanned the scene, feeling like the place was ready for her and Noah to be back, before turning her attention to Melinda.

_"__Johnny Drake is Noah's father…"_

Shaking herself out of the memory of Warner breaking that news, Olivia sucked in a sharp breath. With the complete transformation of her apartment, Olivia felt her adoption of Noah was all but secured. This particular curve-ball had her sick to her stomach, so much so that Ed knew something was up immediately when she had returned home last night. Not ready to talk about it, Olivia had retreated to the office where Noah was asleep. She had plucked the little boy from his crib and cuddled him in the rocking chair by the window. Ed found them there a few hours later and tried to get Olivia to come to bed. When she asked for a few more minutes, Ed softly closed the door. He had woken up alone the next morning.

"Get it together, Olivia," she said to herself, moving to page through the files that Amanda left on her desk. Unable to concentrate and still reeling, she fired off a quick text to Rafael Barba in hopes that he could help advise her. He called her back immediately.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, uh, nothing. I just…can we talk?"

"I'm swamped today, Liv. How about tomorrow evening? Text me the place."

Grateful for his help, but not confident in herself to last another twenty-four hours, Olivia packed up an hour early and headed for the door.

"Call if you need me," she said as she breezed past her detectives.

Fin narrowed his eyes. "Ya alright, Liv?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," she said quickly, forcing a smile. "Just not feeling great. Nothing a good night's sleep won't fix."

* * *

Upon entering the Tucker apartment that evening, Ed immediately knew something was wrong. He had suspected the night before that something had happened, but didn't want to push his girlfriend. Instead, he spent the day taking his daughter and two friends around some of the more popular sites, trying to clear his mind, but seeing her arrive home somewhat early, a paler complexion than normal, peaked his anxiety.

"Liv, what is it?" He asked immediately following a hello kiss to her and Noah. She passed the little boy off to Ed, who made quick work of getting him out of his winter attire, and set him down near his toys in the living room. Olivia wandered into the kitchen, poured a generous glass of wine, and took a long sip.

"Ah," she said, trying to brush him off. "Just a long couple of days."

Ed's eyes narrowed. "Liv…"

Olivia put her wine glass down and ran her fingers through her hair, glancing over at Noah. Her mind was racing. She desperately wanted to share the news of Noah's paternity with Ed. She wanted his comfort and unwavering support. But Olivia couldn't help but pause. Ed the Boyfriend and Ed the IAB Lieutenant arguably existed in two different spheres. If she divulged this information, would she be setting herself up to lose Noah? Would Ed have to report this somewhere? Could she get in trouble for not coming forward to Trevor immediately? Or would he keep it to himself, risking his own career if, in fact, Olivia was breaking a law by keeping this information silent. Ultimately, Olivia had decided to tell Ed, but as she stood in the kitchen, watching her little boy and allowing the wine to soothe her, she began to second guess herself, wondering if she should talk to Barba first.

"Olivia," Ed rasped out, moving to her and cupping her face. "Talk to me."

"I…" she began, her voice slightly wavering. "Warn…"

Just then her phone rang. Both Ed and Olivia let out a groan. She extracted herself from his arms and went into the foyer where she left her bag.

"It's Fin," she announced. "I gotta take it."

"The girls, I think, are napping in Emma's room," Ed told her. "Take the call in our - um, my bedroom."

Olivia ignored his slip and smiled her thanks, taking off down the hallway. She hoped Fin wasn't about to call her in, but she couldn't help but be grateful for the interruption. The conversation was brief, as he had mainly wanted her to know that an identification was made in one of their cases, but she stayed back in Ed's room a few extra minutes. Softly opening his door, she was about to head down the hallway when she heard her name said from Emma's room.

"Olivia's nice," one of her friends, Olivia thought it was Amanda, had whispered.

"She is," Emma allowed. "Still…"

"Always weird when your parents date."

"And it's not like with my mom. Dad doesn't date unless he's serious."

"Noah is adorable."

"It's just…different."

"It's temporary, Ems. Won't always feel different."

"I know."

"Plus, you've always been a little intimidated by your dad. She seems like a good buffer…"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Give it time."

"I just wasn't expecting it to be this…uncomfortable for me…this trip…"

Olivia felt her heart clench and a lump form in her throat. She had been worried about how this temporary move-in situation was effecting Emma. The girl had put on a good front, but Olivia spent her life reading people's thoughts and emotions. She had known deep down it was uncomfortable, but hearing that confirmed was a small gut punch. She was also surprised to hear Emma admit that she was intimidated by her father, though it almost made Olivia chuckle. Ed Tucker was definitely intimidating. She took a deep breath and phone in hand, wandered back into the living room, now resolute in her next step.

"Ya have to go in?" Ed asked. He was perched on the coffee table, bouncing a ball back and forth with Noah.

"No," she sighed, trying to keep her voice steady. "Just an update."

"Olivia…"

"Ed, I think Noah and I need to head back home," she announced, catching Ed totally off guard. "I swung by this afternoon and it's ready. No fumes."

"Liv…"

"We need to establish our normal routine, Ed," she explained, her words moving more quickly as she went on. "I really appreciate you letting us stay here. But the sooner I get back, the sooner I can apply for the home inspection. And…you deserve this time with Emma. She doesn't get to be here that often…"

"Olivia, before the phone rang…you were going to tell me something," Ed pushed, convinced that her moving back home had not been what she planned to divulge earlier. "What was it?"

Olivia forced a smile. "This was it," she said. "I was just…nervous. It's been so _so_ nice to be here, with you. But we both knew this was a little soon to even test it out. It worked, but it's time to slow it back down."

Ed stood up and moved towards her, cupping her face and placing little kisses all over her forehead, cheeks, nose, and chin. He eventually landed on her lips and kissed her deeply, carefully, conveying exactly how he felt about her, even though he knew neither one were ready to truly speak the words.

"Okay," he said softly, trying to mask the disappointment. "Whatever you want. I gotta meeting at one tomorrow, but can help drop the crib and bigger stuff off in the morning."

Olivia smiled and kissed him once more. "Thank you," she said, patting his chest. Ed watched her walk into the kitchen, refill her wine glass, and he ran his hands down his face.

Something was wrong.

* * *

_**Review, please and thank you.**_


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The next evening, Olivia and Rafael Barba were on her couch sipping drinks. He had been surprised when she messaged him that morning and asked him to just meet at her apartment, but dutifully did as she requested. Olivia was an incredibly private person and when she had reached out about a "personal matter," his curiosity peaked.

Ed helped get most of Olivia's stuff back into her place earlier that day before his meeting. They only needed two trips: one with the crib, changing table, and a few other larger items including suitcases and another one with the smaller items they had forgotten such as groceries, toiletries, and couple of stray balls.

"Ya know," Olivia said thoughtfully. "Perhaps we leave a few toys here, unless they are in the way? Less to pack when we pop over next…"

Ed had grinned in relief, hearing she planned to return. He kicked himself for even doubting that possibility. Ed knew she was ready to get home, and he also knew that their living together had sped things up in a way that had caused Olivia to panic. What heartened him, however, was her willingness to work through that panic. He hid the fact that he suspected something had occurred or was wrong, and went about doing what he needed to do in order for Olivia and Noah to settle back into their home.

Now she was on her couch, divulging Noah's paternity to Barba, but doing so in a "hypothetical" sense.

"Hypothetically?"

"Yes," Olivia emphasized. She was leaning forward on her couch, elbows on her thighs, wringing her hands as she spoke with Rafael. He came as a friend, not an ADA, but her nerves were still high.

"Hypothetically," he began, "the only people who need to find out, are the ones _you want _to tell."

Olivia didn't say anything. She let the information sit out in the open and bit her bottom lip contemplatively. Ed's face kept going through her mind as she debated what to do, but she hesitated to pose that kind of question to Barba. The NYPD rumor mill may have been going, but it wasn't likely that the ADA was aware of her budding relationship with Ed Tucker and she wanted to keep it that way for the time being. Rafael, however, wasn't stupid and he could tell Olivia was holding back.

"Liv, what is it?" He said the words gently, but with an authority that gave Olivia pause. She studied her friend's face, which was full of concern.

"Ya know, keeping things a secret has never really worked out for me," she said with a bite to her tone. "I pride myself on being honest."

"Olivia, this isn't lying…"

"Is it?" She pushed back, tears evident in her voice though she desperately tried to hide them. "When I fill out that final paperwork, and I leave 'father' blank, is it not lying? And couldn't that come back to bite me in the ass?"

Barba remained silent, carefully studying his friend and colleague. His respect for Olivia Benson was high and, to him, it didn't matter what decision she made regarding Noah's paternity. She would still be the most honest, loyal person he knew.

"I can't lose him, Rafael," she whispered. "I can't…"

"You won't, Liv," he assured her. "You won't. You don't have to tell anyone this information. No one even has it now."

"Melinda does."

"And she's bound, by law, to not reveal it to anyone."

Olivia let out a deep sigh and ran her hands through her hair. "I don't know what to do."

"Hypothetically," Barca said, going back to their original conversation theme. "Hypothetically, if I'm you, I tell no one."

_Including Ed._ Olivia finished the sentence silently in her head and allowed her eyes to drift to her lap.

* * *

Ed sat in his wing back chair sipping coffee and enjoying the sunrise over Manhattan. The view from his living room windows was decent. Those particular windows faced south and being on the 21st floor gave him a nice view of the midtown high rises. He took another sip and sat back. Early morning was his favorite time of day. Ed enjoyed watching the city come to life and light begin to filter off and through the buildings and streets. It was during this time that he found himself the most contemplative.

It had only been two days since Olivia and Noah had gone back home. During that time, Ed had kept busy both at work and spending time with Emma and her friends. He hadn't had many moments to really look back on Olivia's stay and her seemingly hasty exit, which was for the best since it had given him a knot in his stomach. He could tell by the look on her face, when she returned from that phone call, that something was wrong. In fact, he had been able to tell something was wrong for most of that day. As time had gone on and their relationship progressed, he learned when and how to push for information from Olivia Benson, and he had wisely decided not to push then. But that did not stop him from being concerned. Since she had left, they had communicated semi-regularly through text messages, but he hadn't actually heard her voice in two days. He missed her.

"Morning…" Emma groggily said, stumbling into the kitchen. Her hair was in a messy bun on top of her head and her oversized sweats made her look younger than she was. Ed smirked, watching her fumble around for a mug and pour a cup of coffee.

"Why are you up?" He asked, smirking growing as his daughter grumbled. "I didn't understand a word you just said, Em…"

"Ugh," she said, coming over and sitting in the chair across from Ed's in front of the other window. "Couldn't sleep…"

Ed cocked his head to the side and studied her face. "Somethin' wrong?"

"No," she said softly, putting her mug down and picking at her pants. "Not really. Just thinkin'."

"Dangerous…" Ed mumbled, his smirk returning.

"Very funny, Dad," Emma said with an eye roll. She tucked her feet up under her and cupped the coffee mug with both hands as she started out of the window. "The city is so pretty in the morning…"

"My favorite time," he admitted. "Still quiet. New day." He kept his eyes on his daughter's profile. She had morphed from a little girl to a young women quickly, right in front of Ed's eyes, and he had trouble reconciling that in his head. She was still a teenager, in need of his care and protection, but she was no longer a little girl. And despite her typical quiet, contemplative yet playful personality, she could not easily hide from her NYPD father when something was bothering her. Though she would often refuse to talk about it. "What's going on?"

Emma shifted uncomfortably and put her mug down. "I don't even know," she admitted quietly. "Just couldn't sleep."

Ed checked his watch. "Can't be the time difference. Its four in the morning back in LA."

The pair sat in silence for a little bit. Ed got up, refilled his coffee, and came back over. "Ya want some breakfast?"

"Nah," Emma responded with a shrug. "Not hungry. We can wait until they wake up."

"Em…"

"Will I see Olivia again before we leave?"

Ed's forehead scrunched up in confusion. Was this what Emma was losing sleep over? "Of course," he said simply. "If that's what you want."

Emma just nodded.

"Is that what has you upset?"

"No," she said defensively. "And I'm not upset. I'm just…thinking. That's all."

"Maybe we can all go to dinner Friday night," he suggested. "Before your flight."

"Okay."

"Emma, what is it?"

"Mom's seeing Chris again," she mumbled. "And he's…fine I guess. But…"

Chris Dipasca had been Ed's partner years ago, before he had married Suzanne. Both he and his wife had been invited to the Tucker wedding, as Chris was a groomsman and Sarah a bridesmaid. A couple of years after the wedding, Ed returned home in the middle of the night following a negotiation that had taken hours. He had been tired, out of it, and as he got off the elevator on his floor, he ran right into Chris. Not long after that, it was reveled that Chris and Suzanne had been having an affair, off and on, before Ed and Suzanne had even married. The couple filed for divorce and Ed transferred out of the Hostage Negotiation Unit and into IAB.

It had taken years for Ed to even be able to be in the same room as Suzanne without feeling uncontrollable anger. He managed to force his way through Christmas and birthdays, but that was it. As the kids got older, he finally had to let it go. Ed wanted to be at plays and concerts and ball games, which meant he had to figure out how to be around his ex-wife. But Suzanne and Chris never fully separated. Both marriages in shambles, the two tried to keep a relationship but it was constantly in flux. The one thing that remained a constant was that the kids, Emma in particular, did not like Chris. And every time their mother decided to bring him back into the picture, Emma would tense back up.

"Ah," Ed said.

"Sorry, Dad," Emma said quietly. "I know you don't like when I mention him."

"Hey," Ed said, making sure to catch her eyes. "That was a long time ago. It doesn't bother me for you to bring him up. Hell, your mom even brought him up at Christmas."

"I hate it," she whispered. "I hate him."

"Honey…"

"I mean, it's fine," Emma said quickly. "Nate seems cool with it. I just don't like him. And I hate what he did to you…to our family. But it was a long time ago, I guess."

"Seems that way. But maybe it's not for you," Ed allowed, hoping Emma would keep talking. She rarely spoke about the split. He wanted her to open up if she wanted to.

"I guess being back here, seeing you with Olivia…I like Olivia. I promise you I like her," Emma said pleadingly, as if she was convinced Ed wouldn't believe her. "I guess it just makes me mad at mom all over again."

Ed leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs, and looked closely at his daughter. "Olivia and I won't do anything that you and Nate aren't ready for," he said firmly.

"I know you won't."

"Good," Ed said, satisfied that the subject seemed to be understood.

"Ya going over there tonight?"

"Don't you and the girls have play tickets?"

"Yep. Aladdin."

"Then, yes," Ed said, his face getting a small blush tone as he admitted his plans to visit his girlfriend. "I'll probably go over there tonight."

"You think I could go see her tomorrow?" Emma's eyes were wide and hopeful. "I thought maybe I'd leave my friends here and bring her something for her new, but not really new, apartment."

Ed smiled. "She would love that."

* * *

Olivia was sitting in Noah's newly carved out room, cuddling him in the rocker. His body was heavy, but he was still fighting sleep.

"We need to get you some curtains, sweet boy," she cooed, placing her cheek on top of his head. "We'll find some that match your blanket. And maybe even get you a toy box for your new room."

Noah reached up and grasped a clump of her hair as he yawned. The gesture melted Olivia's heart, and furthered her resolve to not make a misstep in this adoption process. Unfortunately for her own worries, she still couldn't discern whether or not revealing his paternity was actually a misstep.

"I'm gonna make this work," she whispered. "I promise you I'm gonna make it work."

She stayed there for another few minutes until she heard Noah's breathing gradually even out into his typical, nasal sounding sleeping breath. Not quite ready to put him down, Olivia let out a sigh, rested further back into the rocking chair, and stared at the ceiling. The weight of Noah's little body draped across hers brought her a peace that she very much needed. There was too much happening at one time for her. She wasn't even near the year mark for her last encounter with William Lewis, and was struggling silently in that aftermath. Receiving Noah had been the boost and encouragement she needed to keep moving forward, but the trauma was still there and it needed to be dealt with. But between reclaiming her unit and Noah, Olivia didn't have the bandwidth to take on something else, even if it was her own mental health.

Then there was Ed. He made things easy, most of the time, for her to breathe. He'd bring dinner, sit silently with her, watch Noah while she ran errands. He made her feel less alone, and his grip made Olivia feel like she was no longer just dangling in the open air of trauma and fear. But the relationship came with challenges and a need for energy that she didn't feel she possessed. Ed knew this, and didn't push her, but she wondered if that patience would eventually wane. She was convinced that at some point, he would realize that she was too difficult to be with.

Olivia shuddered at the thought, buried her face in Noah's hair, and breathed in his scent. Ed had given her no reason to doubt him. Her phone vibrated on the table, signaling Ed was on his way. Allowing herself a few more minutes, Olivia steadied herself before standing up, placing Noah in his crib, kissing his head, and cracking the door closed.

She had just finished washing her makeup off and throwing on lounge clothes when Ed knocked on the door.

"I guess the doorman has stopped alerted me of your arrival, Lieutenant," she said, greeting him with a smile and a soft kiss on his cheek.

Ed blushed at the contact with her lips. "Guess so," he said, his voice soft and low. He stepped in, shrugged off his coat and hung it up, and followed Olivia into the living room. Two glasses of bourbon were sitting on the coffee table.

"Cheers," he said, his voice still soft. His blue eyes were brighter, at least to Olivia, and he never took them off of her. Even as he sipped his bourbon, Ed's gaze stayed on her.

Olivia ducked her eyes and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Ed's hand quickly found hers, still near her face, and he grasped it, pulling her to him and pressing his lips against hers. Olivia let out a little squeak, surprised but thrilled at his assertiveness. He kissed her deeply until they finally had to part and catch their breath. Keeping her hand in his, Ed rested his forehead against her and resumed gazing at her.

"Ya okay?"

Olivia nodded and gave him a small smile. "I am," she whispered.

"I missed you the last couple of nights."

Olivia's smile turned into a slight frown and Ed immediately backtracked out of guilt. "I just meant that I got used to ya bein' there when I woke up," he explained. "Nothing more."

"It was a little weird to have a bed to myself," she admitted.

Ed continued to study her face, looking for signs that something was still wrong. Dark circles had crept under her eyes, and she constantly was either biting her lip or picking at her fingers. "What's going on, Liv?"

"Such a detective…" she joked, trying to lighten the moment, but Ed didn't move his intensive stare. "Ed, I'm just tired. The apartment, the case, Noah. It isn't anything major. Just me being…tired."

"How can I help?"

Olivia looked down where their hands were joined and ran her fingers along his palm. She wanted so badly to bare her soul to him in that moment. To tell him how sorry she was that Emma was uncomfortable, how scared she was that Johnny D was Noah's biological father, and how tired she was of trying to fight her memory of William Lewis. Instead she smiled sadly at him and shook her head.

"Just be here," she said. "Be with me."

"I'm right here, Olivia," he said. "And I'll be right here as long as you'll let me."

Olivia ran her eyes over his body and paid careful attention to his facial features. Biting her bottom lip she looked at him pleadingly. "Take me to bed…"

Ed groaned. "Oh, my pleasure." He stood and pulled her up from the couch. Keeping her hands securely in his, Ed backed his way to her bedroom, eyes never leaving hers. Olivia nudged her bedroom door closed with her hip before she wrapped her arms around Ed's waist and kissed him. Ed held her face in his hands and tilted her head back, allowing him to almost swallow her mouth.

"You're so…so…gorgeous," Ed said, as his lips made their way across her jaw to nibble her ear and then move down to her neck. "And I'm so…so…lucky…"

"Mmmmm," Olivia's waist instinctively moved closer to Ed's and she could feel his desire for her grow. "Ed, that feels so nice."

He kept kissing her neck, taking his time and making sure every inch of skin had been touched by his lips.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Just gettin' started, baby…"

He soon had them both stripped down, him in his boxers and Olivia still in her panties, but braless. Olivia let out an "oof" followed by a chuckle, as Ed backed her against the wall. He trailed his finger tips down the sides of her breasts.

"Bedroom looks great," he rasped, nipping his way across her chest. He felt her shake with laughter.

"You haven't even looked at it," she said. Ed took a nipple into his mouth. "Ahhhh," she shrieked, not expecting the move.

"Gotta door. Don't need to see anything else," he said, releasing her and moving to the other one. Ed took his time, kissing, licking, and biting at Olivia's breasts. Her breathing quickened and her hips began to gently rock into his.

"Ed…"

He licked his way up to her mouth and kissed her, pinning her hands above her head and pushing her more into the wall.

"Whaddya want, Liv," he rasped into her ear, his breath sending pleasant chills down her spine. "Tell me what to do next…"

Olivia whimpered, her hips still bucking into his. "Fuck me," she whispered, biting the spot where his shoulder and neck came together. "Fuck me, Ed."

Within seconds he had Olivia on her back, in the middle of her bed, crying out in pleasure.

"Oh god," she gasped as the threw her head back as Ed fully sheathed himself inside of her. "Ohhhh yeah."

"You feel so good, baby," Ed grunted. "So good."

He moved inside of her, deep and firm, but slow. Olivia's cries matched with Ed's grunts as he kept the same, steady pace.

"Harder…"

"Liv…" Ed looked down at her. A tangled mop of brown hair was spread out across her cream colored pillow. Her face contorted with pleasure as beads of sweat ran down her temple.

"Please."

Not willing to leave her unsatisfied, Ed spread her legs further apart, gripped her thigh, and entered her again, this time a bit harder. His pace, and their breathing, quickened.

"Come on, Liv," he groaned. He was close, but refused to finish until she had come. He flicked his fingers between her legs and felt her begin to quiver.

"Oh goddddd." Any thoughts of her inner turmoil flew right out of her head as Olivia shrieked. Her back arched off the bed and her body shook as she came hard. Ed let out another loud grunt as he spilled into her and allowed his body to collapse on top of hers. Olivia held him to her tightly and buried her face in his neck, enjoying the feel of his full weight on top of her.

"Are you okay?" Ed was still breathing hard, but he could feel Olivia's body still shaking slightly.

"Mmmmm, I'm great," she moaned, but whimpered as Ed tried to move. "Don't move," she said. "Stay right here. Just…stay right here with me."

Ed's heart constricted a little bit, sensing there was a deeper meaning to her words, but remained silent. His body settled further onto hers, hips nestled perfectly between her thighs, pecs brushing against her breasts, and his arms around her back possessively.

"I'm right here, Liv."

"Thank you."

* * *

**Review!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

_"__Don't do this. Johnny D is a psychopath. Do not open this door."_

Barba's words played on repeat in Olivia's head as she hurried down the sidewalk to meet Ed at the designated spot. It hadn't taken Rafael long to realize that she had named Johnny D as Noah's birth father on adoption paperwork. She assumed he would be surprised, but she didn't think he would react quite as adamantly as he had. The tone of his voice as he said those final words to Olivia contained a slight bit a fear, and ever since the elevator doors closed, the pit in Olivia's stomach grew. She rushed back to her office, called Ed to meet her and he named a place, then she took off out of the squad room, desperate to get to Ed before the information leaked to IAB.

The month following Olivia's move back into her apartment had flown by. Between getting ready for the official adoption inspection, trying to keep control of her squad, and attempting to see Ed at least twice a week, Olivia was tapped out. The most recent evenings with Ed had consisted of dinner, Olivia finding another excuse not to tell him about Noah's paternity, and then falling asleep on his lap as he played with her hair. Ed was content to just be there in her presence, offering her some security, but his worry had not waned. Instead of pushing or prying, Ed positioned himself as a steady presence in Olivia's life, hopeful that she would eventually open up. She knew that was what he was doing, and despite her desire to talk to him, she never did. But her time was up. Olivia made the decision to list Johnny Drake as Noah's father on the adoption forms, and now she was racing the clock, hopeful she could still be the one to tell Ed.

Olivia slowed as she reached the entrance to the bar Ed had selected. Working to catch her breath, she eyed the menu and made a note that this seemed to be a nicer location than Ed usually picked. He was a sucker for dive bars and had a talent for finding the ones most full of character and charm, but they were typically dark. This place was full of light, and from what Olivia could tell, actually had linens on the tables.

She took a few more deep breaths and gave herself a small pep talk before silencing her phone, straightening her light-weight trench, and pushing the door open. Ed was already at the bar, his hands cupping a glass with what Olivia assumed was bourbon, and a glass of red in front of the empty barstool he had reserved for her. She had to once again pause, for Ed was ruggedly handsome. His steely jaw and sharp blue eyes had become one of the most comforting and reliable things in Olivia's life. As she moved towards him, finally catching his eye, all she could do was pray that those things remained constant, despite having kept this information from him for over a month.

"Hey," she breathed out. Ed stood and leaned towards her for a brief peck on the lips before he helped her shed the trench. He hung it on a nearby coat rack and returned to take his seat next to her.

"Cheers," he whispered, his eyes not leaving Olivia's face.

"Cheers." Olivia took a big gulp of her wine before setting that glass down and picking at the cocktail napkin it sat on. She admired the white, marble bar, once again thinking of the deviance from their usual stops. Doing her best to stall, she murmured her approval of the location and Ed retorted that he was glad she liked it. After giving her a few more minutes to collect herself, Ed reached out and lightly grasped her wrist, his face full of concern.

"Olivia," he began, "what's wrong?"

"I…" she stammered, her voice shaky and her mouth suddenly dry.

Ed shifted his hand so it was gripping hers, squeezing gently so that she knew he was right there next to her. "Somethins' been up for a while now, Liv. Whatever it is, I'm not goin' anywhere. You can tell me."

Olivia held onto his hand as if it was her only lifeline and bit her lip. Ed could see the conflict swirling in her eyes, and he sensed she was about to talk, so he sat quietly and waited for her to speak. She finally took a deep breath and turned to face Ed. She used her free hand to trace his jawline as she admired his features. Ed turned and kissed the palm of her hand before grabbing that one too and resting both sets of intertwined hands on his thigh.

"About a month ago," she began, "Melinda Warner came to me. She had run Johnny D through the system, getting everything in order. She must have tested a lot. Because a match popped up."

Ed squeezed her hands tighter and scrunched his face up, not quite sure where this was going.

"Turns out," Olivia said, before letting out a shaky laugh. She ducked her head, hair falling on both sides, and swallowed hard. Ed untangled one of his hands and used his thumb and forefinger to lift her chin up. That was when he noticed a lone tear running down her cheek.

"Liv…" he rasped, wiping the tear and kissing her forehead. "Just tell me, baby. Tell me so I can help."

Her lips began to quiver and as she let out a long puff of air. "He's…Johnny D…he matched with Noah."

Her last few words came out almost as a whimper and Ed had to make sure he heard correctly.

"He…what?"

"Johnny D is Noah's biological father."

Ed felt his stomach drop, but he tried to push his own shock and fear aside because it seemed like Olivia was crumbling in front of him. "Liv…"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she said quickly, her voice still shaky and eyes full of tears, though no more had escaped just yet. "I know I should have, it was wrong not to, but I just…I didn't want to put you in a compromising position and I was so…I guess I just wanted it to go away."

Ed was still holding her hands on his lap, but he was silent. His face had hardened and Olivia couldn't tell if he was mad at her, or the situation, or perhaps both. So she just continued with her rambling apology.

"And, when she first told me, Emma was still here and I wanted you to enjoy your time with her and not have to deal with me and all of my drama," she explained, knowing everything she was saying sounded like an excuse. And it was. "And by the time she left, well, I couldn't decide if I should come clean, or keep it to myself. I didn't know if telling you meant you'd have to say something, and I didn't want to put you in that kind of position. And then Barba said…"

"You told Barba?" Ed asked, his head jerking at bit at that realization.

Olivia, thinking he was now mad, explained quickly. "I needed advice - on who to tell, if I had to tell anyone, if he thought courts would find out…"

"Liv, family court and criminal court are two different circles. You know that."

"I do know that," she admitted, and then her voice softened and got quieter. "I was just…scared."

Ed let out a sigh. He took a hand to rub his face vigorously. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't upset that she kept this from him, but one look at her face caused him to momentarily forget about that and focus on her.

"What, uh, what are ya gonna do with the information?"

"I named him on the forms," she whispered, her eyes closing as she willed the tears away. "I couldn't…I couldn't lie…"

"_Olivia_…"

She looked back up and a few tears began to run down her cheeks, dripping onto their joined hands. "What have I done?" she rasped. "He…he could…oh god."

Ed couldn't take it any longer. He stood from his barstool and enveloped Olivia in his arms. He gripped her hair, holding her to his chest, and rested his mouth near her ear. "It's gonna be okay," he whispered to her. "It's gonna be okay."

"I'm sorry," she said, pulling herself together for the time being and sitting up once again, allowing Ed to go back to his stool. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you right away…"

Ed let her apology sit for a little bit and breathed deeply. "Liv, I get why you didn't tell me…I really do," he said, choosing his next words carefully. "But…"

"Trust is a big deal for you," Olivia finished for him. "I know that. And I…I'm just so sorry. You have every right to be mad at me."

"I'm not mad, Olivia," he said quietly. "I'm…hurt you didn't tell me sooner. But I'm not mad. And we'll get past this."

Seeing that Olivia was nearing full blown sobs, Ed signaled for the bartender to bring their check. He threw down some bills, grabbed their coats, and ushered her out quickly.

"Come on," he said. "Let's go get Noah and order take-out. Anything ya want."

* * *

The next day, Olivia sat behind her desk pretending to go over paperwork. She had been staring at one file for about an hour, and had retained none of the information. The night before had drained her. Finally coming clean to Ed, wrangling a cranky, clingy Noah, and then finishing the night seeking Ed's advice on Amaro had left her with no energy. Fin had noticed the slight paleness to her face, but hadn't said anything to her or the squad. He knew Olivia well enough to know she liked to stew in solitude. Nick, however, didn't pick up on any of that and stalked into her office about midway through the work day.

"Sarge?" He asked, knocking lightly before entering Olivia's office even before she looked up.

"Amaro," she said, shaking off the cobwebs and closing the unread file. "What's up?"

"So that exam is coming up," he said, referring back to an earlier conversation they had about the possibility of him being promoted. "Think I'm gonna register…"

"Nick…"

Narrowing his eyes, Nick studied Olivia's face and his hope faded. "You changed your mind, didn't you," he said, a small bit in his tone. "You don't think I should take it?"

"Nick, I ran the idea by Ed last night," she said, her tone staying professional. "He very honestly and plainly told me that you would not be promoted within the NYPD."

"What? Why?"

Olivia saw the anger fill Nick Amaro's body. She half regretted telling him, but felt obligated to do so. The last thing she wanted was for him to prepare and get his hopes up, only for them to be slashed after he had taken the exam.

"Your jacket is too full," she explained simply. "It's not gonna happen."

Nick scoffed. "And this came from Tucker?"

"Yes, but it's not him saying no. It's the department."

"Right, sure. So your post-sex pillow talk is about how I'm damaged goods?"

"Detective you are out of line," Olivia said firmly, standing up and resting her balled up fists in the middle of her desk.

"Am I?" He pushed, losing control of his temper. "Because just the other day you said it was a good idea."

"That's not wh…" Olivia started to explain, but Nick hadn't stopped his rant.

"…then all of a sudden you fuck an IAB Lieutenant and come back saying no."

"Get out of my office," Olivia growled out. "Get out and cool off before you say another word to me, Detective Amaro."

Nick turned sharply and headed towards the door, shaking his head. "Forget it," he said, venom spewing out of his voice. "Munch said not to fall in love with a job because she will never love you back."

Olivia stayed still, her body firm and tense as she watched Nick storm out of her office and slam the door behind him. The blinds rattled and she remained frozen for a few minutes before trying to normalize her breathing. Olivia moved to fix herself a coffee, giving her time to calm down, before sitting back at her desk, pretending to read files and trying to forget about the blow up that had just occurred.

* * *

The hallways and corridors that weaved in and out of the IAB offices were quiet. The decor in that particular department was plain, but clean. Mostly white and gray walls and carpets gave an almost sterile feeling and there wasn't much chatter that happened daily. IAB officers typically kept to themselves. There was no water cooler chat or crowded break rooms. For Ed Tucker, that environment had often fit his desire to isolate from people. He had transferred to IAB not long after his devastating divorce and the longer he stayed, the more he hardened. Bad cops only proved his theory that no one could be trusted. Despite knowing deep down that there were good people out there, Ed had made it so he never crossed paths with them. He was miserable and jaded, even more so after his ex moved out west with their kids.

The one exception to Ed's belief no one could be trusted was Olivia Benson. From the very first encounter he had with her, it was obvious she was honest and pure. In his mind, her only fault had been having Elliot Stabler as a partner. Ed knew that Stabler was a good cop, and ultimately a good human, but he made so many hot-headed mistakes that Ed couldn't help but jump into action whenever he could. But his interactions with Olivia had always been slightly different, though perhaps not to the naked eye. Dating back to when Olivia had been set up by the biker gang, Ed had this pull to give her protection and offer her ways out. He had suggested that perhaps she killed Clyde in a moment of trigger, perhaps in self-defense during a flashback. She obviously didn't go for it, and looking back Ed couldn't blame her. He had presented the option in a bitter tone, even though he meant it sincerely. As time went on, he worked harder to seem more genuine. Despite that honesty coming out during the Lewis ordeal, Olivia had remained true to the truth. But it was that trait that had given him so many false starts in trying to move past the fact that she kept Noah's paternity from him for over a month. Ed was determined, however, to get them through this tiny hiccup and come out on the other side with an even stronger bond to Olivia.

The shrill ringing of his cell phone startled Tucker out of his thoughts. He fumbled his phone before smiling at the incoming FaceTime call from his son.

"Hey, Nate," he said, the screen finally clearing up so he could see his face, and noticed he had company. "Hey Emma! Didn't expect both of you…"

"Hey dad!"

"Nate, ya already back at your mom's?"

"Yep," he said. "Finished my last final. Was gonna wait a week to move back, but this kid convinced me otherwise."

Nate wrapped an arm around Emma, her neck caught in the crook of his elbow.

"Yeah, I guess I missed him," Emma said, wriggling out of her brother's grip.

"Everything okay?" Ed asked, concerned that Nate would cut his end of year celebrations short in order to return to LA to his younger sister.

"Yep." Emma and Nate answered at the same time, then they laughed. Ed rolled his eyes.

"How's Olivia? And Noah?" Nate's eyes got a bit larger as he asked the question. Ed's kids were still half convinced that eventually their dad's answer would be that she was no longer in the picture. A concern that they had spoken about at length with each other, as both kids liked Olivia more and more as time went on.

"She's good," he replied.

"I'm not convinced," Emma said, her eyes narrowing. "Your forehead gets that little crease between your eyes when you're worried…"

Ed just laughed and shook his head. "Your observations are strange."

Nate just laughed and Emma shrugged.

"The adoption paperwork was filed," Ed allowed. "So she's just a little anxious. We both are."

"She has nothing to worry about," Emma announced. "Her place looks great and Noah is happy."

Emma had popped over to see Olivia before she left from her spring break trip. Arriving with a small bouquet of colorful flowers, Olivia had welcomed her inside and they proceeded to chat for about an hour before Emma gave her a quick hug and departed. Olivia never did admit she overheard Emma talking about how uncomfortable the living situation had made her, but the one on one visit with the young girl had all but wiped out Olivia's worries about his kids not liking their relationship.

"We'll see," Ed said, trying to push thoughts of Johnny D's petition for visitation rights out of his head so he could focus on his kids. "What's going on there?"

"Chris is here a lot," Nate mentioned quietly. Ed quickly realized that perhaps Chris's presence was the reason for Nate's early return.

"Yeah," Emma said, before bouncing a bit. "So me an' Nate just go to the beach a lot."

Ed's eyes narrowed. "You sure everything's good?"

"Yep!"

Ed was about to ask another question when the landline phone on his desk lit up. "Hey, hang on a second kids." He paused the FaceTime discussion and picked up the call.

"What's up, Cole?"

"Shooting at the Drake trial," he said quickly. "Several people down, including at least one officer and the judge…"

The color drained from Ed's face. "Where…"

"Mercy…"

Ed hastily hung up, stood from his chair, and turned FaceTime back on.

"Listen kids, I gotta run…" he said quickly. The video on the phone got shaky and both kids looked on with mild concern.

"Everything okay, dad?" Nate asked, holding the phone further from his face in hopes of the jerky movement not bothering his eyes.

"Yeah," Ed said breathlessly. "Just..a case…I gotta run…love you both."

Nate and Emma didn't even get a chance to respond before the call was cut off. Ed didn't bother grabbing his light jacket. He attached his phone next to the cuffs on his belt and ran out of his office. Cole met him in the hallway and jogged next to him.

"Who was hit?" He asked, skipping the wait for the elevator and heading for the stairs.

"Not sure," Cole said, trying his best to keep up with the Lieutenant.

"Olivia?"

"I don't know…"

"I'll drive," he said, throwing the door to the outside open and turning towards where his cruiser was parked. "You find out what you can on the way up."

Cole did as he was told, radioing in to anyone he could think of, while looking at Ed out of the corner of his eye. His suspicion of a budding relationship between his partner and Olivia Benson kept growing. The iron-tight grip Ed had on the steering wheel as he weaved in and out of traffic all but confirmed that suspicion. And if that was the case, his hope that Olivia had not been hit by a flying bullet grew.

"I'm sure she's fine, Tucker."

Ed grunted. "I hope so," he mumbled under his breath. "I hope so."


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

"Olivia…"

Ed had to resist the urge to run right to Olivia and gather her in his arms, holding her tightly in relief. Instead, he walked briskly to where she was speaking with Rollins and Fin and shoved his hands in his pockets so they wouldn't instinctively attempt to comfort her in front of the hoards of NYPD personnel in the hospital waiting room.

"_Ed_." Her voice sounded slightly hoarse, but he could hear his own relief mirrored when she spoke his name.

"Amaro okay?" Ed asked, switching into IAB mode but being careful with his tone.

"Considering," Olivia replied.

"What about Johnny D?"

"Dead," Olivia said, her tone professional but Ed could hear the distance in it. "So is a court officer. Two others hit, including a judge. Plus Nick."

"Jesus," Ed replied, his hand rubbing his forehead as he stared at the floor, still trying to calm his heart rate from that initial fear that Olivia could've been hit. The sound of more footsteps signaled the arrival of Cole, who Ed had left to park the car once arriving at the hospital.

"What was he thinking?" Rollins asked. "No way he was getting out of there alive."

Ed shuddered, shaking off the image he had of bullets flying around far too close to Olivia, then glanced at Cole. "That's exactly what he was thinking," he muttered. "Liv, ya got a moment?

Olivia nodded and requested that Amanda come get her as soon as any news emerged about Amaro. She took one last look around the waiting area before following Ed. The eyes of Cole, Rollins, and Fin followed the two of them until they were out of sight.

"There somethin' going on there?" Cole asked, more certain than ever his coworker was smitten with Olivia Benson.

"They're doing a pretty shitty job of hiding it," Rollins muttered, unofficially confirming Cole's belief. He let out a grunt before looking around the sea of faces and, correctly assuming Ed wanted to focus on Olivia for a bit, went in search of a higher ranking official to piece together what happened in the courtroom.

Ed and Olivia made their way down a corridor before hanging a left into a little alcove. He grabbed her elbow and spun her around to face him. Reaching up, Ed played a little with the strand of hair that fell out of Olivia's ponytail then traced her cheekbone with his finger tip.

"Ya alright?" He asked in a soft tone.

"I am," Olivia allowed. "It was…well, you know how it is. When something like that happens you don't think, you just react and do what you need to do. Haven't had much time to let the reality sink in…"

"Sounds like Amaro will be okay…"

"Seems that way. Though I anticipate a rough recovery from a bullet to the kneecap."

Ed winced at the thought. "Hate to see an officer go down like that," he muttered. "And…Johnny D…I guess that situation worked itself out." Ed ducked his head to keep eye contact with Olivia. "As far as IAB is concerned, you should be in the clear Sergeant."

Olivia's eyes closed and a tear made its way down her cheek as she nodded. Ed couldn't take it anymore. He wrapped his arms around her, one hand tangled in her hair and the other rubbing her back as he crushed her into his chest.

"It's okay, Liv," he whispered. "It's okay."

Olivia didn't allow herself to cry. She stayed nestled in Ed's protective grip for a few moments before pulling away, taking some deep breaths to collect herself, then returning to business.

"We all need to give statements," she said. "And I really want to get home to Noah."

"Come'on," Ed said, guiding her back towards the waiting room. He kept his hand on her lower back until they were in view of any onlookers. "We can take statements right here, then I'll getcha home."

Ed handled the statements of any bystanders that were in the courtroom while Cole took Olivia's. Doing his best to concentrate on the witnesses in front of him, Ed diligently took notes and asked the standard questions. It was an easy, open and shut case as far as Ed was concerned. The perp pulled a gun and shot several officials, including a judge. He couldn't imagine a world in which IAB would take issue with any action that was taken that day by NYPD officials. Nevertheless, he made sure to thoroughly question people before closing his notebook and wandering back out to find Cole. Not seeing any familiar face back in the waiting area, he stretched, feeling his back crack a couple of times to release the tension his body was carrying.

The minutes between getting the call about the courtroom shooting and then confirming Olivia hadn't been hit was grueling for the typically tough-as-nails IAB Lieutenant. The tension between the couple hadn't quite abated since Olivia came clean about Noah's paternity, but Ed believed they were getting closer. For a few brief minutes, he had to live with the agony of Olivia being taken from him before they could get back on track. Luckily, that wasn't even near the case. Over their radios, it was confirmed that Amaro was the officer that was hit. Ed had been able to calm down slightly before arriving at the hospital.

He was still lost in thought when Cole came up behind him.

"All done," he said. "I think we can type this up and close it. There's not even a minuscule amount of room to open an investigation."

"Agreed," Ed grunted, crossing his arms in front of his chest and narrowing his eyes as he scanned the room of people. "One less thing for her to worry about…"

Cole eyed Ed suspiciously. "Her?"

"Them," he corrected. "The whole unit. I suppose I just conflated the entire unit into Benson."

"Is there something I need to know?" Cole asked. He had noticed the signs in his partner for almost a year now. How every time Olivia Benson's name crossed their desks, his body would tense up and he would be more protective. Cole remembered the way he fidgeted, going unnoticed by the rest in the room, when they questioned Olivia after Lewis killed himself. He also recalled that Ed had been more on edge the next couple of weeks, almost existing in a fog. And now, seeing with his own eyes how Ed had quickly ushered Olivia away from prying eyes, he was more sure than ever that his partner and Olivia Benson had something going on.

But Ed just gave him a side-eye glare. "Like what?"

Cole just laughed and shook his head. He slapped Ed on the back and headed towards the exit. "Ya coming?"

"Nah," he said, puffing his chest out a bit. "I'll wait until he's out of surgery."

Cole tossed him the keys to the cruise. "In lot C," he said. "See ya later, Tucker."

Ed took a deep breath, realizing that Cole had figured out there was something happening between him and Olivia, but luckily he hadn't forced him into admitting it. He knew Olivia wasn't ready to officially disclose, despite the growing number of people in their close circles who found out. But Ed wasn't entirely ready to disclose either.

Suddenly finding himself alone in the large, sterile waiting area, he went off to find Olivia and hopefully take her home.

* * *

Olivia could tell that Ed wasn't sure what to do, or where his place was, as they entered her building lobby and boarded the elevator. His hands were in his pockets and his jaw was set, but he stood right next to her so that their arms were touching. Olivia, as well, wasn't sure how to navigate in the moment. She felt certain that Ed was still hurt by her secrecy, but he had arrived at the hospital so quickly and had held her so tightly and securely, that she thought perhaps the tension was abating. Deciding she would need to take the first step, she turned towards him slightly and grasped his forearm as the elevator began to climb.

"Thank you," she whispered, her thumb rubbing his skin lightly. "Thank you for coming. And for getting me out of there."

Ed turned to her and pressed his lips to her forehead, without making much eye contact. "I'll always come for you."

Olivia smiled as he rubbed his lips on her head gently, before pulling away when the elevator doors opened. "Come on," he said, grasping her hand. "There's a little boy that's ready to see his Mommy."

The smile on Olivia's face grew quickly as they walked quickly down the hallway. Despite the horror and trauma of the afternoon, there was another emotion that Olivia felt. Relief. Relief that Johnny D was dead and completely out of the picture. No more petitions for visitation and no more complications with the adoption. Noah, in her mind, was now hers. And as soon as those papers were signed by a judge, he would be hers forever.

She burst through the door and took Noah from Lucy, holding him tight and whispering to him. "Mommy's home," she said over and over. "Mommy's home."

Ed remained in the foyer for a moment just admiring the scene in front of him. The little boy clutched tightly to his mother and Olivia swayed him around for a bit before finally looking up at Lucy. She gave Ed and Olivia a brief rundown of the day and quickly made her exit, as it was clear Olivia needed to be with Noah and that the trio likely needed to decompress on their own. Once she was gone, Ed and Olivia spent the evening playing with Noah. The three of them all sat at Olivia's mostly cleared off table for dinner and the adults chuckled at Noah's attempts at feeding himself, before Ed took pity on him and gave him a hand. Olivia gave Noah a quick bath and brought a freshly bathed Noah, in dinosaur footie pajamas, to say goodnight to Ed.

As Ed leaned in to give Noah a kiss on the cheek, the little boy reached out to him. Olivia handed him over and watched as Noah cuddled right into Ed's chest and clutched a piece of his tie. Heart melting, Olivia watched the tender moment, unable to stop her mind from wandering to a time when this could be a nightly scene. Not wanting to get ahead of herself, she grabbed her phone and snapped a few photos before coaxing Noah from Ed.

"Say night night to Ed, Noah," she cooed. "Say 'see ya in the morning!''

Ed rustled Noah's hair before Olivia disappeared into the back. To kill time, he went to clean up the dishes from the evening. Just as he loaded the last one and turned the dishwasher on, Olivia reappeared from the back and tossed him one of his t-shirt and a pair of sweats.

"I washed them the other night," she said, "in case you wanna get more comfortable."

Ed tugged at his tie and headed back into Olivia's bedroom. Olivia busied herself straightening up Noah's toys, fluffing the pillows, and finally deciding on a bottle of wine to open. She had just finished pouring both glasses when Ed emerged and snuck up behind Olivia, snaking his hands around her waist and burying his face in her neck.

"Mmmmmm," he moaned. "You smell good."

Olivia chuckled as his breath hit her neck, before pulling out of his arms and handing him a glass. "Cheers," she said, keeping her eyes on his and searching for any residual tension. While she couldn't tell if tension was there, she detected a hint of uncertainty or hurt, or both.

"I know we need to talk," Olivia said, taking him by the hand and leading them to the couch. "I know I owe you an explanation…"

"Olivia…"

"I owe you more than that, actually." Olivia kept going, her speech speeding up and becoming more of a ramble. "There's just a lot going on and I'm so tired and…"

"Stop," Ed said gently, reaching out to grasp her shoulders. "Olivia, stop. You owe me nothing."

"But…"

"No buts," Ed said firmly. "You do not owe me anything. Liv, I'm not asking you to bare your soul right this second. You don't have to be glass," he continued, his voice not hiding the passion he felt. "All I need is for you to try. When you're happy, or excited, or proud. When you're scared, or unsure, or hurt. I want to be the first person you think of telling. I just…I want you to _try."_

Olivia, afraid that if she opened her mouth she would break into full-on sobs, nodded and tried to stop her quivering chin.

"Liv," Ed rasped. "I didn't wanna make you cry."

"You're not," she finally said, moving her hands to his chest and grasping his shirt. "I'll try harder, Ed. I promise you I'll try. I want this to work."

"I do too. That's _all_ I want." Ed whispered, rubbing his nose against hers before pulling her gently into his arms and rocking them back and forth on the couch. "That's all I want."

* * *

"Have you talked to Dad recently?" Nate wandered downstairs and plopped onto a barstool while Emma grumbled at the Keurig.

"No," she said. "This thing is so stupid…"

"Just add more water, dumbass," Nate quipped, shaking his head. Emma turned around, stuck her tongue out at him, but did as he instructed. "Well, have you?"

"Have I what?"

"Talked to Dad," Nate exclaimed.

"Oh. No. You?"

"Yeah, I called him yesterday," he replied.

"Then what are you asking me for?" Emma asked incredulously.

"You're ridiculous," Nate muttered, before straightening up on the stool. "I'm only asking 'cuz he mentioned that Noah's adoption is almost official."

Emma's eyes widened. "Wow, really? That's great!"

"He seemed…excited."

"Well, that's good," Emma said, before squinting at her brother. "Right?"

Nate shifted. "Probably means he's serious."

"Kinda figured that," Emma said softly, reaching up to grab another mug and fix Nate a coffee.

"I was sorta thinking…" Nate began, eyeing his sister to gauge her reaction to his proposal. "If mom'll get us tickets, what do you think about surprising them. Ya know. For the adoption thing."

Emma stopped and looked curiously at Nate. "Like, us go there?"

"Yeah," he shrugged. "Like, the day of the adoption, or maybe the day after…we can surprise them. Celebrate."

Emma handed Nate his mug, took a sip of her own, and then chewed her bottom lip. "You, uh, you think they want us there?"

"Why wouldn't they?" Nate's face was scrunched up in confusion at his sister's reluctance. "What's going on, Em?"

"It's nothing," she shrugged. "I just…I really like Olivia. And I think Dad is really into her. But, like, doesn't it feel weird?"

Nate gestured for Emma to come out of the kitchen and they settled themselves in the breakfast nook's bench that overlooked the backyard. "What feels weird to you?"

"I don't know how to explain it…"

Nate watched Emma chew her bottom lip and stare out of their window. The siblings always had a relatively close relationship, especially given the occasional discourse and the cross-country move. Nate had a strong protective streak, much like his father, and looked after his little sister. Emma, in return, adored her older brother. There were times when, despite both of their parents trying their best, that the two felt like they were on their own in the world. While normal siblings would fight, they seldom did. And as Nate observed Emma struggle to put words to her feelings, that protective urge came back.

"Em, Olivia's not gonna replace Mom," he said gently.

"I know that," she said honestly. "And I want to get to know her more…to be close to her." Emma paused briefly before continuing. "But what if she doesn't want to be close to us?"

Nate didn't say anything for a bit. Instead he thought back to the time he had spent with Olivia. "I think she's just reserved because she doesn't want to come on too strong. Like, I got the feeling she wanted to get to know us, but was afraid of saying, or doing, the wrong thing."

"Maybe that's it," Emma said, nodding. "That makes sense."

"I think she's 'the one' for Dad," Nate finally said. "It's not like with Mom and Chris. This is the real deal."

Emma agreed. "I don't wanna hurt Mom. Or Dad and Olivia." She let out a sigh and let her head fall back against the wall. "A bazillion kids deal with this in the world. Why do I find it so hard?"

"Because they probably find it hard too," Nate said simply. "You know Mom supports us having a relationship with Dad…and she will with Olivia, too."

"I know," Emma said, and finally allowed herself to smile. "Okay. Let's talk to Mom and go!"

Nate grinned, finally seeing some light come back into his sister's eyes.

"I'll research flights."

* * *

**_What do you think is on the horizon for Tuckson? Review to find out!_**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Ed checked his watch for the third time then went back to wiping down Olivia's kitchen counter. The last of the guests who had attended Noah's adoption party had finally departed and Olivia disappeared with Noah, presumably to give him a bath and fresh pajamas.

It had been a fantastic day. Olivia had requested that Ed drop her and Noah off at the courthouse where she was meeting Trevor to finalize Noah's adoption. Ed had been elated at the offer. Ever since she learned the final court date, Olivia had somewhat closed herself off, which she later admitted was out of anxiety and had nothing to do with Ed or their relationship. He had not expected to be invited to the courthouse, but jumped at the opportunity to take her there and give her a firm hug and kiss before watching them climb the steps. Olivia had left Ed her keys so he could go to her apartment and set things up for a little post-adoption party. Once again, Ed found himself surprised that Olivia so readily included him in the party invitation, particularly since Rafael Barba would be in attendance. When he questioned whether she was ready, Olivia shrugged it off.

"If he finds out, he finds out," she said nonchalantly. "Something I never ever thought would happen is finally happening today, and I want to be surrounded by my family."

Ed was considered family. Despite the two of them still struggling to open up, their commitment to each other felt stronger than ever and Ed was convinced that once Noah was legally Olivia's, and she was free from the fear that he would be taken away, their relationship would flourish.

Smiling to himself, Ed went to rinse out the sponge, squeezed it dry, then plopped it back into the sponge holder that hung in Olivia's sink. He spun in a circle and admired his work. Deciding it was a job well done, he lit the lavender candle she kept on the bar counter and poured the rest of one of the bottles of wine into two glasses. In a matter of minutes, she had returned with Noah. They had both changed, Olivia into gray athletic leggings and a lightweight pink pullover and Noah in blue and green train pajamas.

"Better?" He asked, handing her the wine and admiring her from head to toe.

"Much," Olivia replied, kissing him quickly. Noah reached for Ed and he took the little boy, tossed him in the air, eliciting a belly laugh, then settled him on his hip.

"Cheers," Olivia said, once Ed grabbed his own glass.

"Cheers, baby," he whispered, sipping the wine, kissing Noah's head, then moving for Olivia's lips. "It's been a good day."

"The best day," she said softly, her eyes moving to Noah who had laid his head on Ed's shoulder in contentment. "Just…the best. Thank you…for being a part of it. For being here."

Ed paused, calculating what his response could be. He had so much he wanted to say to her, to commit to with her, but he didn't want to push too far. Deciding to take a slight risk, he put his glass down and cupped her cheek.

"Liv, I wanna be here for anything and everything you'll let me," he said. His voice was still soft, but firm and full of resolve. Even if Olivia tried, she wouldn't be able to doubt his sincerity. It was written all over his face. "It's your call, your pace," he continued. "But I'm here and I'm in."

Olivia smiled and reached up to kiss his lips. "Me too," she said, pulling back a tiny bit. Ed could feel her breath on his face as she spoke. "I'm in too."

Ed grinned and nodded his head to the living room. As Olivia turned, she caught sight of Ed once again checking his watch and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Got somewhere to be, Tucker?" She asked playfully, knowing he had brought overnight gear, but she was curious why he kept checking the time.

"Nah," he said. "Just habit I suppose."

Olivia didn't believe him, but quickly decided whatever his reasoning was, the importance was low. Ed, however, knew it was. Just as they settled onto the couch, his phone buzzed and Ed quickly reached for it.

"And you say I'm glued to my phone," Olivia muttered, watching as Noah made his way over to his toy box and went straight for the blocks.

Tossing his phone back onto the coffee table, Ed leaned over and kissed Olivia's cheek. "Gotta surprise for ya," he said with a grin. Olivia just looked at him curiously. He had almost a giddy look on his face.

"Are you gonna tell me what it is?"

"Nope," he said with a shrug. "You'll see soon enough."

Unbeknownst to Olivia, Ed had been in communication with his kids all day. When he returned from dropping her and Noah off, he spoke with the doorman and explained that his two kids wanted to surprise Olivia. He left a photo of them with the desk, and he promised they would let them up without buzzing the apartment. All Emma was supposed to do was text him when they were in the elevator.

At first thought, Ed had suggested they come the night before the adoption. But as the time neared, he saw how anxious Olivia was and changed his mind. Paying the airline fee, he swapped their flight to the next day. Nate and Emma didn't mind at all, and Emma was actually relieved to not feel obligated to be at an event with Olivia's friends. She was not at all ready for that kind of interaction. She was, however, bouncing with excitement at their plan of surprising Olivia and Noah.

A soft knock filtered through the apartment and Olivia raised her eyebrow at Ed.

"Well, ya gonna answer your door?" The smirk on Ed's face caused a flutter to flow through Olivia and she quickly got up and went to the door.

"Surprise!" Nate and Emma was standing side by side, Emma was holding a bouquet of colorful flowers and Nate had two meticulously wrapped gifts.

"Nate! Emma!" Olivia exclaimed, quickly ushering them inside. She took the flowers from Emma and gave her a brief side hug and kiss on the cheek. "These are beautiful."

"Congratulations," she said. "We're so excited for you!"

"I'm so surprised you're here!"

Nate shrugged, handed the gifts to Ed, and embraced Olivia warmly. "We didn't wanna miss out on this," he said simply.

Olivia's entire body relaxed and her heart swelled. Ed's kids wanted to be a part of something monumental in her life.

"Come in," she said ushering them into the living room, a wide smile plastering her face. "Have you eaten? We have leftovers…and I actually have sodas too."

Nate plopped the presents on the coffee table and squatted to greet Noah. "Hey little man," he said, taking his arm and teaching him to fist bump. "Heard ya had a big day!"

Noah grinned and allowed some drool to drop onto his chin. Nate grabbed a clothe, wiped it, then picked him up. Noah swatted at his face playfully. Emma shifted, unsure what to do, and settled on helping Olivia situate the flowers.

"Do you have a vase?" She asked, dropped her bag and going into the kitchen.

"In the cabinet above the stove," Olivia said, her smile still huge as she looked between Nate playing with Noah and Emma rummaging through her kitchen without hesitation. She wrapped her arms around herself, made eye contact with Ed, and let out a sigh. It was exactly what she wanted.

* * *

Olivia had just finished topping up her coffee when Ed came up behind her and snaked his arms around her waist. He kissed at her ear as she poured a small amount of almond milk and stirred the contents of her mug.

"Guess you're not staying over anymore," she said with a sigh. It wasn't a disappointed statement, just a mere observation given his kids were in town.

"Wrong, Benson," he said, his mouth still dangerously close to her ear. The words sent a pleasant shiver down her spine. "They insisted I stay."

"_They_ insisted, huh?" Olivia teased, turning around in his arms. She was hyper sensitive about showing too much affection in front of his kids, but Ed didn't seem to mind. He kissed her lips a few times and nuzzled her nose.

"They insisted."

Olivia smiled, patted his chest, and pulled away. "Well, then," she said. "Let's go enjoy the rest of this surprise game night."

Once Noah had gone down for the night, Nate suggested they play a couple of games. Olivia readily agreed, but then realized she didn't have many options.

"I've got, well, regular cards, poker chips and Scrabble."

The guys immediately suggested poker, but Emma had frowned. "I don't know how to play poker," she said.

Olivia smiled and put her arm around her shoulders. "Don't worry," she said with a smirk. "I crush your dad often. I'll teach you my ways."

Ed looked indignant. "You do not crush me often," he said. "I let you win."

Nate let out a laugh, one that was similar to Ed's. "Yeah right," he said, shaking his head and taking the cards from Olivia to shuffle. "You're too competitive. She just crushes you."

Emma had laughed and looked at Olivia. "Sounds fun."

Now, as Ed and Olivia made their way back to the table, Nate and Emma quickly stopped whispering and scrambled back to their seats.

Ed raised his eyebrows. "Talkin' 'bout us?" His tone was teasing, but he was curious.

"Yep," Emma side, a sly smile that was identical to Ed's donning her face. "But you'll live. Now come on, me and Liv need to take more of your money."

Olivia laughed and tried not to let her emotion from Emma using her nickname show. Instead, she sat next to Emma and nudged her arm. "We already have enough to leave them at home and go for manicures. Maybe we can add a pedicure to that plan…"

Emma eagerly nodded and reached for the deck as it was her turn to shuffle. "Good idea."

Ed playfully rolled his eyes, but caught Olivia's gaze. They both shared a relieved, yet grateful smile. For the first time since the two families started spending time together, there was no awkward pause or moment. They just had fun, and Emma was openly planning to spend one on one time with Olivia. Neither adult could have asked for a better end to an already monumental day.

* * *

The next day Emma and Olivia set off for their mani/pedis, and had already informed the boys that they would likely stop for lunch before coming home. Ed seemed perfectly okay with the plan and announced he and Nate planned on feeding Noah junk and watching the previous night's NBA final game that Ed had recorded on his DVR. Perfectly comfortable leaving Noah in the hands of Ed and Nate, the two girls set off and wandered into a coffee shop before entering the nail salon.

Unfortunately, their plans for lunch were not meant to be. Olivia received a call just as the two sat down to let their nails dry.

"Work?" Emma asked, her eyes wide. Despite knowing what Olivia did for a living and having a father who would also get called in, she seemed surprised that Olivia had to cut their date short. And Olivia also sensed a tiny bit of disappointment.

"Yeah," she said softly, her own disappointment evident in her tone. "I have a few minutes, but probably can't do lunch."

"That's okay," Emma said shrugging. "I still really enjoyed this."

"Me too, Emma," Olivia said sincerely. "And…I'll make the lunch up to you. Okay?"

"Sounds like a plan. If not this trip, then the next one!"

Olivia just smiled, suddenly feeling the beginning of tears forming in her eyes. She thought back to the comment she overheard back in March and compared it to the last several days she had spent with Ed, Emma, and Nate. There was no outward sign of discomfort or hesitation. The five of them had spent time all together and also pairing off at times. The more she reminisced, the more disappointed she was that she had to end her and Emma's one on one time.

"It's really okay, Liv," Emma said, using her nickname a second time. The girl was easily able to see Olivia's turmoil about leaving. "I can go home and make sure Dad and Nate aren't corrupting your completely innocent son. And hopefully you'll be home in time for dinner?"

"I hope so too," Olivia said, smiling softly at the young girl. She took a few moments to collect her thoughts before continuing. "It was so sweet of you and Nate to come out for Noah's adoption. Thank you. You being here means the world to me. And your dad, too."

"You're welcome," Emma said, but shifted her eyes to her light pink fingernails. The duo let their nails dry a bit longer before sliding their sandals back on and heading back out towards Ed's building. "I had a good time today."

Olivia pulled Emma in for a quick side hug, slowing their gait just a bit. "Me too," she said softly. As they neared Ed's building Emma stopped and bit her index finger for a bit.

"Emma, you okay?" Olivia's face was full of concern.

"Oh, yeah," she said quickly. "It's not that. I just, well, um…"

Olivia reached out and rubbed Emma's upper arm, hoping to calm whatever anxiety she had about what she wanted to say.

"You really like my dad, don't you?" Her blue eyes peered up at Olivia in anticipation of her answer.

"I do," Olivia said firmly. She studied Emma's face, taking note of how young the girl nervously tried to figure out what to say about the situation. "And," Olivia continued with slight hesitation. "I really like you and Nate. As does Noah."

Emma smiled up at Olivia. "He's so cute," she gushed, turning to continue their walk. "Don't let Dad and Nate corrupt him…"

Olivia just smiled. "Ah, I can think of worse people for my son to learn from."

As they waited for the elevator, Emma grew quiet again. "It was weird, at first, when I realized Dad was so…well, that he was with you."

Olivia tried to hide her surprise and excitement that Emma was finally opening up a little bit. Ed mentioned several times that while Nate was more open about things and easier to read, Emma could be a bit more difficult. He assumed it was because, as a girl, she had a closer relationship to her mother. Ed also admitted that despite his best efforts, he was likely a little intimidating as they grew up. But things seemed to be shifting for the Tuckers, as well as the Bensons.

"Emma, I don't ever want to make you uncomfortable," Olivia said honestly. The elevator doors opened and they stepped in. Emma hit the button for Olivia's floor then turn to look at her again.

"I'm not," she said. "Not anymore."

Willing the tears away, Olivia nodded and patted the girl on the arm. "I'm so glad."

* * *

It was pushing ten that night when Olivia finally made it back to Ed's. She unlocked the door and dropped her bag in the foyer, surprised that the apartment lights were dim and it seemed quiet. She crept around the corner and noticed Nate on the couch, the TV softly on in the background, but he was reading a book.

"Hey," she whispered. "Where is everybody?"

Nate turned around and grinned. "Emma wanted ice cream," he explained. "And dad realized they were out…so they ran to the store."

Olivia laughed. "Yeah…I think that's my fault."

"Exactly what Dad said," Nate responded with his own chuckle. "They should be back soon. I hope you don't mind I'm here with Noah."

"Of course not," Olivia said, plopping on the opposite side of the couch from Nate. "He been asleep long?"

Nate looked at her sheepishly. "Not as long as he should have been…"

"Ah," Olivia shrugged. "He probably had to time of his life."

The pair fell into a comfortable silence. Olivia kicked her shoes off, put them under the coffee table, and tucked her feet under her.

"Everyone okay while I was gone?"

"Yep," Nate confirmed. "Took Noah to the park. Emma whined because she chipped her nail already. And dad had to toss Noah's outfit in the wash because we let him munch on a pretzel and he really liked the mustard…"

Olivia just laughed. "I hope you got pictures?"

"Emma did." Nate paused, and Olivia noticed the same contemplative look on his face that she had witnessed from Emma earlier.

_Wow, they look so much like their father, _she thought to herself as she waited for what Nate wanted to say.

"We're really happy, ya know, that Dad is so happy," Nate said. He wasn't nearly as tentative with his words as Emma. Nate seemed wise beyond his mere 19 years, which Olivia often saw in young men who felt responsible for younger siblings, especially within a broken family. "And Dad…he's so into you."

Olivia blushed. "I'm pretty into him too, Nate," she assured him, correctly assuming that was where the conversation was headed.

"My mom never had a real serious relationship," he explained. "Lots of men, nothing serious. And that's hard on Emma. Much more so than me, for whatever reason."

Olivia turned so her body was facing Nate, eager for him to open up more. She desperately wanted to understand Ed's kids, and perhaps more of Ed, so she could do right by all of them.

"Emma is close to our mom," he explained. "And when her, well, Chris..whatever he is…comes back into the picture, it's hard on Emma. And she tends to withdraw. And I think…that's why she was so nervous about you."

"That makes sense," Olivia said, hanging on to every word Nate was saying.

"And Dad is so steady."

"He really is."

"But ya know," Nate said, with an almost cautious tone. "Sometimes he's too steady. I see him push his feelings down every year at Christmas. Not so much any more, but definitely during those first years. Mom really hurt him. And he would never show it. He just wanted to be steady and strong."

Olivia's heart felt like it was breaking as Nate described Ed. She noticed that about him as well. He didn't often admit his feelings to her either. And the more she thought, the more guilt she felt about how much he was giving and how little she gave in return.

"Anyways," he said. "I'm probably overstepping, I just…I wanted you to know that for some reason. So you can take care of him."

Olivia took a deep breath and kept eye contact with Nate, feeling his protectiveness and allowing it to wash over her. "Nate," she said carefully. "I promise you that as long as he'll let me, I'll do my best to take care of him."

"Good," Nate said. "Sorry if I over-stepped."

"Of course not," Olivia said. "I know this is hard, and sometimes awkward. I'm so grateful you both came here for Noah. For me. And, who knows what the future will bring. But I want it to include all of us."

* * *

Later that night, Olivia crawled into bed next to Ed. She rested her head on his shoulders and sighed as he traced patterns over her shoulder.

"Sure they're okay that we are staying over?"

"Liv," he sighed. "For the tenth time, yes. It was their idea."

"I know," she said, but her voice was still unsure.

Ed sat up a bit so he could look at Olivia. "What is it?"

"I don't want you to hide your feelings from me," she said. "I don't want you to feel like you always have to be strong, or understanding."

Ed screwed up his face in confusion. "Where is this coming from?"

"I just," she began, trying to gather her thoughts. "This relationship should go both ways. I want to be for you, what you are for me."

"Liv, you are," he said honestly. "You've had a lot going on, baby. It was the time for me to be steady. But I know, and I trust, that if and when that changes, you'll be the one holding me up."

"I will," she said firmly, holding his gaze as she kissed his lips before settling back onto her chest. "These last few days have been…incredible. And a needed relief."

Ed rubbed her back gently. "What do you mean by relief?"

Olivia took a deep breath, and to keep with her promise to try harder to be open with him, went for it. "Back in March, I overheard Emma tell her friends how uncomfortable she was that I was staying with you while they were there."

"Liv…" Ed said, frustration evident in his voice.

Olivia rubbed his chest comfortingly. "Ed, it's okay," she said. "I knew she felt that way even before she said it. But, well, this is me trying to be more open. So you know just how much the last few days have meant to me."

"I wish you woulda told me, Liv," he said. "But, I get why you didn't. And…these last few days have meant a lot to me too."

She sat up, wanting to make sure to see Ed's face as she made her next move. "I hope," she began, taking a deep breath of courage. "I hope that this means…well…that it means that this is gonna work. We, all five of us, are gonna work. In whatever capacity that is."

Not typically emotional, Ed felt tears burn in his eyes. He pulled Olivia down and crushed his lips to hers, suddenly desperate to feel every part of her body touch his. When he finally had to pull his mouth away from hers in order to catch his breath, he tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear and traced her face lightly with his index finger.

"I love you, Olivia," he whispered. It was the first time he dared to utter the words, but it had never felt more right than in that moment. He was rewarded with one of the biggest, brightest smiles he'd witnessed from Olivia.

"I love you, too."

* * *

**_Alright, well, this was a little sugary and sweet and unlike me. But...*shrugs*...enjoy it for now. Wonder what's next? Leave a review!_**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Ed woke up with a start, immediately sitting up and rubbing his face. Olivia stirred and reached out for him.

"You okay?" Her voice was groggy, but her eyes were open and eyeing Ed.

"Yeah," he said quickly. "I have no idea what woke me up."

Olivia sat up, more awake now, and studied his breathing. "Ed, you're shaking."

"Yeah," he mumbled.

"Dream?"

"I don't think so? Just…startled I guess," he said. He shook it off and leaned over to kiss Olivia's lips. "G'morning, Liv."

"Good morning to you," she said and grinned at him, before leaning over for another kiss. Thinking they were headed towards a morning quickie, she was disappointed when Ed rolled out of bed.

"I think I need to shower," he said. "Un-fog my brain. I'll be right back."

Olivia sighed and watched him disappear into her bathroom. It was unlike Ed to get rattled like he seemed to be after waking up. Knowing she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, she leaned over and turned on the lamp on her side of the bed. Olivia reached for her sleep pants and shirt, which Ed had tossed across the room the night before, and padded out to start a pot of coffee.

The stove clock read 4:57am and Olivia let out a yawn, rubbing her eyes and willing the coffee machine to work faster. Typically Noah woke up around 6:00am and she had grown accustomed to getting another hour to snooze before starting her day. But given the abrupt wake up, and her worry about the man currently in her shower, she felt it would be best to just get up and try to talk to Ed before they had to go separate ways to work.

Instead of working herself into more anxiety while Ed showered, Olivia tried to focus on the last week they had together. Nate and Emma had just departed New York the day before after a four day stay. In addition to the meaningful one on one conversations they all managed to have, the days were filled games, parks, exploration, and enjoying being together. Olivia was able to bask in the knowledge that Noah was hers legally and forever, while getting a glimpse at how full her life had the potential to be. She thought she would be more overwhelmed at the concept, but even that morning as she sipped her coffee and waited for Ed to emerge, she felt nothing but gratefulness.

Olivia heard the shower water stop. She put her mug down and grabbed another, one of Ed's favorites, and poured it about three quarters full. Ed didn't like a full cup, as he often grumbled about how it would spill. She placed it on the counter, sipped her own, and smiled as Ed finally came around the corner. He had thrown a clean pair of sweatpants back on, but remained shirtless. His closely cropped hair appeared slightly damp, but was drying quickly.

"Here," she whispered, sliding the mug towards him. Ed smirked, but bypassed the mug and took Olivia into his arms, hugging her closely and swaying them gently.

"Did you use my body wash?" Olivia asked, content to stay right where he held her.

"Yep," he replied simply. "Smelled good."

Olivia chuckled. "The big, tough, new IAB Captain is gonna show up to work smelling like vanilla and lavender."

Ed let out a hearty laugh. He kissed Olivia's head before finally releasing her and reaching for his coffee. "Guess I didn't think that part through." Ed's eyes closed as he took a long, slow sip of the hot beverage. "God that tastes good."

"Come on," she whispered, taking his hand and leading him out of the kitchen and into the living room. "Sit with me."

The couple collapsed onto the couch. Ed propped his feet on the coffee table and rested his mug on his leg with one hand. He used his free arm to tug Olivia into his side and he played with her hair. "As much as I would've liked a bit more sleep, this is nice," he said softly.

"Me too," she murmured. The couple gazed out of the windows at the twinkling city lights, waiting for the sun to begin to peak out. Olivia was about to drift off to sleep when Ed shifted, presumably to place his coffee on the side table. "Wanna tell me why you're so anxious?"

Olivia sat up and faced Ed, her features full of concern as she eyed him. Despite the shower and few minutes of couch cuddling, his jaw was still tense and Olivia could feel tension.

Ed grunted. "Not gonna let it go, huh," he said with a smirk.

Olivia grinned. "No," she said, her voice soft. "I want you to talk to me."

Rubbing his hand through his now dry hair, Ed bought himself a few minutes to breathe and think about what to say. "Last week was nice," he began, but he looked to Olivia for confirmation.

"It was," she agreed, knowing that it mattered a great deal to him that his kids, and her, were comfortable around each other. "Just…the best."

Ed smiled and reached out to twist a strand of her hair through his fingers. "I hated that my kids had to leave," he admitted. "I mean, I always hate it. But there was something different about it this time…"

He paused, twisting his lips. Olivia didn't say anything, as she could see his mind churning. She was elated, and relieved, that Ed was divulging to her as she was desperately hoping he would, but her heart ached. She couldn't imagine having to deal with her kids being on the other side of the country.

"Maybe it was how comfortable and easy it felt," he continued. "This tiny glimpse at being together, and being happy, after being alone for a long time."

"_Ed_…" Olivia sighed, reaching out to grasp his hands and hold them tightly. One of the main reasons Ed and Olivia were drawn to each other, it seemed, was that they both were alone. Or, at least, that's how it felt to them. They understood that feeling, and could commiserate together. But this was perhaps the first time Ed seemed willing to dive deeply into his own solitude.

"I miss my kids," he whispered, voice full of emotion but his features stayed tense and rugged. "And I…enjoyed…feeling as if the five of us could work."

"Me too," Olivia agreed, hoping to put a little of his anxiety at ease. "But?"

"I dunno," he said honestly. Ed tugged one of his hands from Olivia's and rubbed his face. "Ever since I watched them go through airport security, I've had this…knot…in my stomach. I'm usually sad, but…this feels different."

Olivia just watched him and made sure to keep physical contact with him in some way. She wanted him to know she was right there with him, listening to him, and ready to do whatever she could for him.

"Maybe," she began slowly, making sure to watch for signs that he didn't want any advice. "Maybe getting back to a normal routine will help?"

"That's probably exactly what will help," he admitted. They enjoyed a few more moments of silence before Ed leaned over and gently kissed Olivia's lips. "That and…maybe some of this…"

Olivia smirked before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him back. The couple giggled and kissed playfully before Olivia laid back on the couch, pulling him on top of her.

"Oh yeah," he rasped as she reached into his sweat pants. He moved his lips across her neck slowly. "This'll definitely help."

* * *

The squad room was bustling with activity. After several days off, Olivia found herself buried in unread emails and paperwork. She was hoping to get a few more minutes of catch-up in before having to leave her office to help her squad, but she was skeptical that would happen. With Nick officially not returning, the unit was down a detective which made this new case a bit more difficult. Several assaults had been reported at a big party right by the NYU campus, and the witness list seemed to be never ending.

Olivia looked out into the squad room and let out a sigh. Her body was still tingling from her and Ed's morning romp on the couch. He always left her completely satisfied, but for some reason the after effects of his maneuvers this morning were sticking with her. But she didn't mind one bit. The only thing she minded was that once she walked of of her office, those feelings would leave. Glancing one more time at her phone cover photo, an impromptu pose of Ed and Noah, she finally got up and went out.

"Liv this is Nicole Griggs," Rollins said. "From what we can tell, she's the last one to see Allie, one of our vics, before the attack."

"Thanks, Amanda." Olivia gestured for Allie to go into the interview room. "Carisi and Fin are still at the hospital?"

"Yeah." Rollins lowered her voice. "This one was roughed up pretty badly. They may be a little while."

"Okay," Olivia said. "How many witnesses do we have waiting?"

Rollins eyes scanned out over the squad room. "Nine right now."

"Jesus," Olivia breathed out. "Okay. Well. Let's get started."

"You think they're gonna get us a new detective any time soon?" Amanda asked, seeing that Olivia hadn't moved, despite her order to get started.

"I sure hope so," she said. "Amaro will be tough to replace."

"Yeah. It's strange knowing he's not returning."

Olivia turned and smiled at Amanda. She always knew that her and Nick had a special relationship, though she was never sure just how special. But whatever annoyances that may have caused for her and her squad, she knew first hand what it felt like to have your partner and coworker just abruptly be gone. So she had a small amount of sympathy for Rollins.

"It'll be an adjustment," she said wisely. "But sometimes, change is for the better. Even if it hurts when it's happening."

Olivia patted Rollins' shoulder and made her way over to the interview room. "Hi, Nicole," she said calmly, her victim voice making it's first appearance of the day as she dove into her work.

It was pushing seven o'clock that evening when Olivia could finally come up for air. She strode through the squad room, holding her hand up to signal her detectives to give her a minute, and into her office where she closed the door and collapsed into her chair. Olivia held her head in her hands for a few minutes, collecting her thoughts. She loathed cases like this. There were multiple versions of the story, from multiple groups of people, and nothing was adding up. The only thing that was clear to her was that there were two traumatized teenagers, lives forever altered by these vicious attacks, and her squad was nowhere close to pinning it on anyone.

Olivia sighed and checked her phone, seeing a missed call from Ed. Knowing that Lucy needed to be relieved soon so she could study for her upcoming summer class, Olivia bit her lip and dialed Ed back.

"Hey," she breathed, her voice tired but no less happy to hear Ed on the other end of the phone. "Look, I'm gonna be a little while longer. Any chance you could relieve Lucy?"

She waited and smiled as Ed assured her it was no trouble, and he was just wrapping up himself.

"He should be fed, but Lucy will give you the rundown. I'll try not to be too late. Stay over?"

Olivia chuckled. Of course Ed would stay over if she asked.

"Okay, I'll see you later," she paused, hearing Ed's 'I love you' on the other end. "Love you too."

Olivia took the phone from her ear and instead of putting it down, went to scroll through her camera roll. The 'I love you' phrase was very new to her, and though they had finally admitted that to each other, both Ed and Olivia were cautious when using it. Surprisingly, Olivia didn't flinch at the words. Each time Ed spoke them, she felt warm and wanted, a feeling that she had craved her entire life. Olivia allowed herself a few more minutes of staring at her pictures before turning her phone face down and diving back into files.

* * *

Ed arrived at the Benson apartment around eight that evening. Lucy answered the door quickly, and he could see that she was needing to get going and study.

"Hey," he said, loosening his tie as he made his way into the apartment. "Sorry I'm late…"

"It's okay," she said. "I'm just anxious about this summer class. It's really not a big deal."

"Anything I should know?"

"He had a good dinner, but still doesn't seem to like chicken," Lucy reported. "We played outside a lot, so he's had a bath. I really thought he'd be worn out by now, but…"

Both adults eyed the little boy as he pulled toys out of his basket and slung them across the room.

"I dunno, maybe the carrots were caffeinated," Lucy joked, shaking her head. "Anyways, sorry about that Captain Tucker."

Ed had to do a double take, as he still was not quite used to people referring to him by Captain. But his promotion was still fresh, and he was still getting used to it. Lucy seemed to be the one person he interacted with that made the title switch effortlessly when she spoke to him.

"Ah, it's alright," he replied, picking Noah up and kissing his cheek. "We can have us a guys night, huh buddy?"

Noah giggled and clutched Ed's neck as he watched Lucy gather her bags and leave. Ed carried Noah to the back where he changed out of his suit and into sweats, before heading into the living room and plopping on the couch.

"Okay, No, what should we do?" Noah was standing on Ed's thighs and doing his version of jumping, while holding tightly the man's fingers. "Lucy was right," he said chuckling softly. "You are definitely wide awake."

Noah looked at him curiously, as if he could understand exactly was Ed was saying.

"Bah," he said, grabbing Ed's nose and squeezing. "Bah bah bah."

Ed just laughed. "Can you say 'Ed'?" Olivia had expressed her concerns about Noah's speech being delayed. The doctor assured her it was normal, that some kids didn't start talking at the normal age-range, but that hadn't stopped her from fretting about his lack of speech. Olivia, and now Ed, would gently try to coax words out of the little boy whenever they got a chance.

Noah just looked at him before patting his cheek and responding with his typical sound. "Bah!"

"Okay," Ed said, giving in. "Guess I'm 'bah'. What about 'Mommy'? Can you say Mah-Me?"

Noah grinned and twisted his body around, looking to the door expecting to see his mother. But his little face contorted into a frown and tears welled in his eyes. Ed, immediately regretting bringing her up and feeling badly, hugged Noah tightly.

"Mommy'll be home soon, little man," he cooed. "How about a movie? Huh? Mickey Mouse?"

Noah's tears dried instantly and he resumed bouncing on Ed's thighs.

"I'll take that as a yes," he said, navigating the Fire TV remote to Noah's favorite movie. As he waited for it to load, he carried the little boy to the kitchen and fixed a cup of milk for him and grabbed a beer for himself. "Alright," he said, almost laughing at how much conversation he was trying to have with an almost one and a half year old. "Movie time."

Noah reclined against Ed, one hand holding his milk cup to his mouth and the other clutching Ed's wrist. It was one of the most peaceful feelings Ed had ever experienced, and he kept trying to lose himself in the moment, but for some reason his anxiety was still acting up. Careful not to jostle Noah, Ed grabbed his phone and fired off a message to Nate and then to Emma, hoping that once he heard from them his anxiety would cease and he could enjoy the night. Five minutes later his phone buzzed. It was Emma.

_Nate is out with Bailey, so me and mom went to dinner and a movie. Will text you when we are out of the theater._

Temporarily assuaged, Ed allowed himself to lean back and relax. When Olivia walked in a little after ten, she found Ed asleep on the couch with Noah snoozing curled up in his chest. Her heart melted a little bit, and instead of disturbing them right away, she crept to the back to change clothes. By the time she came back out, Ed had woken up and was gently standing up in hopes of not jostling Noah.

"Hi," Olivia whispered, kissing him and then brushing Noah's hair back and kissing his cheeks. "Sweet boy," she murmured. "I'll get him down."

She carefully took the little boy from Ed's arms and cuddled him closely. Ed reached over and kissed her head. "Ya okay?"

"Yeah, just tired," Olivia replied, before smirking and raising her eyebrow. "Meet me in the bedroom?"

Ed grinned, suddenly wide awake and anticipating an amorous night with Olivia. "Don't be long."

Olivia leaned up to kiss his lips, running her tongue along his bottom lip before gently biting and pulling back. "Oh," she said. "I won't."

* * *

"What'd you think of the movie?" Suzanne slowly turned her SUV into their neighborhood. Emma had been chatty most of the night, but as they got in the car after a late dinner, she quieted.

"It was good," she said. "Cheesy. Funny. Just my type."

Suzanne laughed. "I agree. Who needs a heavy movie when the world is heavy enough?"

"Exactly."

"Sounds like you had a good time in New York?" Suzanne wasn't prying, but Emma hadn't said much to her since returning. "You can talk to me about it, ya know."

Emma shifted. "I know," she said. "It was great. Noah is so cute, and Olivia and Dad seem happy."

"You think she's permanent?"

The question took Emma by surprise, but she hid it well. The girl tucked her hair behind her ear and studied her mother. She didn't seem annoyed, it was almost as if she just wanted to be included in what was going on.

"I do," Emma said slowly. "I really like her. She's good for dad."

"Good," her mother said, and the tone was genuine. "Ya know, that actually makes me feel better."

"Yeah?"

"Of course," Suzanne replied, shrugging as she steered the car onto their block. "Your dad…he deserves that."

"He really does," Emma said softly, before cursing under her breath as they pulled into the driveway. "Chris is here?"

Suzanne pulled the car into the garage, cut it off, and hit the button for the garage door to close.

"He said he may come by," she murmured. "But I actually never got a confirmation."

Emma just rolled her eyes and went to climb out of the car.

"Em," Suzanne said gently, grasping her arm and looking into her eyes. "You need to cut him some slack eventually."

"I don't want to," Emma said, the venom in her tone shocking both herself and her mother. Emma had never openly admitted how much she didn't like Chris to anyone, but especially to her mom. "Sorry," she said quickly. "I didn't mean…"

"It's okay," Suzanne whispered. "Glad you finally admitted it. But, he's a part of our lives, Emma."

"He can be a part of yours," Emma retorted, suddenly finding the courage to speak out. "But I don't want him to be a part of mine."

"You may not have a choice," Suzanne said firmly, her green eyes narrowing as she started at her daughter. "Come on," she finally said. Suzanne entered the house, leaving Emma to glare in her direction for a bit. After a couple of minutes, the young girl let out a reluctant sigh and entered the house, planning to go straight to her room. But the scene she saw in the kitchen stopped her dead in her tracks.

"Well, answer me," Chris said, his voice slurring as he struggled to stay upright. He held a bottle of dark rum by the neck in one hand while other was gestured around wildly. "Where the hell were you?"

"Emma and I went to a movie," Suzanne said, her eyes narrow. "Give me the rum. You've had enough."

As Suzanne went to grab the bottle, Chris jerked away and threw the bottle. It hit the wall mere inches from Emma and shattered, rum going everywhere. Emma jumped back, eyes wide with fear. Suzanne stared at the wall in shock, before turning to Chris angrily. "Get out," she said, point her hand towards the door. "Get out of my house. Right now."

Emma was frozen in place, the smell of rum permeating her senses as she watched the man steady himself. His eyes darkened. Emma had always disliked Chris, but she had never been afraid of him until right now.

"Get. Out." Suzanne said before stepping towards him in an attempt to get him to move. Suddenly Chris snapped and lunged towards Suzanne, throwing her against the counter. "Emma, run!" Suzanne screamed, trying to fight Chris off of her. Instead of escaping, Emma ran towards her mother, and desperately tried to pull the man off of her.

"Leave her alone!" she shouted, but Chris was too strong. He backhanded Emma, sending her flying back into the rum and glass-covered wall. Emma didn't have time to get her bearings before she heard a blood curdling scream and felt a heavy weight push her to the ground as gunshots rang out and echoed throughout the house.


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

Ed slept soundly. He was laying on his stomach, hands under the pillow and head facing Olivia, who was asleep on her side, body curled up against Ed and her forehead against his bicep. They slept so soundly, in fact, that it wasn't until his phone rang for the third time that Olivia finally stirred.

"Ed," she mumbled, fumbling around for the cord to her lamp. "Ed your phone…"

He sniffed quickly and opened his eyes, blinking and finally sitting up. "Huh?"

"Your phone," Olivia said, nodding to wear it sat on the opposite night stand, beginning to ring for a fourth round.

"Shit," he said, sitting up and grabbing for it. "Tucker."

Olivia saw his entire body tense up as he listened to the caller and she felt her stomach drop.

"Emma?" His voice was a whisper and suddenly Olivia felt fear shoot through her gut. She watched as Ed's head fell foreword and he used his free hand to cover his face. Olivia instantly moved so she was next to him and rubbed his back, not taking her eyes off of him.

"Okay," he said softly. "Thank you." Ed allowed the phone to slip out of his hands as he stared at the floor and tried to digest the information.

"Ed? What happened?"

He turned and looked at Olivia, his face both expressionless and full of despair at the same time. "Ed, talk to me."

"Suzanne…she was, uh, shot last night, er, well a few hours ago. At home."

"Oh no…" Olivia reached out to clutch Ed's hands as he tried to continue to speak.

"Emma was there," he said. "Witnessed the entire thing. She's a little banged up, according to the police captain just now, but alive. In shock."

Olivia's body felt numb as she digested the information, but quickly put her emotions aside and concentrated on Ed who seemed to be holding up remarkably well at the moment.

"I, uh," he said, suddenly looking around the room for something, though Olivia wasn't sure what. "I gotta get to her. To them."

"Ed," Olivia called as he stood and moved to the bathroom. She followed him in and grabbed his elbow, trying to catch his eyes. "Suzanne…is she…okay?"

Ed looked at Olivia with tears forming in his eyes. "No," he responded. "She's dead."

* * *

An hour later Olivia had dropped Noah off at Amanda's, promised her she'd be back soon to get him, and was speeding towards JFK with an increasingly distraught Ed in the passenger seat.

He'd finally reached Nate who was at the hospital waiting on Emma to be released. The young girl miraculously was not hit by any bullets, but that had not been clear at the beginning. When the cops arrived at the scene, Suzanne was limp on top of Emma. When the paramedics finally reached the girl, her eyes were open, but she was still and covered in blood. They immediately checked for entry and exit wounds and found none, but transported her by ambulance to the hospital anyways. By the time Nate had arrived, Suzanne had been pronounced dead and when he was finally allowed to see Emma, the young girl just started at the wall, not saying a word.

Hearing more of the details had Ed frantically trying to get on the first flight out to Los Angeles. By the time he had gotten an actual human being on the phone, Olivia had arranged to drop Noah off with Rollins and was ushering them all into the car, as she planned on being by his side right up until he walked down the jetway.

"I just…I need to get to them," he muttered, watching the city lights fly past them as Olivia sped down the expressway towards the airport.

"They know you're on the way," Olivia said, reaching over and patting Ed's leg. He grasped her hand, kissed it, and held it tightly in both of his. "You'll be there soon."

"Fuck!" He slammed his head back into the headrest of the cruiser and closed his eyes. "Just…fuck…"

Olivia was at a loss for words. She let him grip her hand and she squeezed back as best she could.

"Ed," she began, merging into the exit lane towards the terminals. "Do you want me to come with you? Are you going to be okay?"

He closed his eyes before turning his head towards her and reaching out to gently touch her cheek. "I love you," he whispered. "Let me…let me get there. See how, well, how they are." His voice once again cracked at the thought of his kids, all alone at the hospital. "I know for a fact I want you there…but…I need to see how they are first."

"Of course," Olivia said, unbothered by his reasoning. "I just want you to know that all you have to do is say the word, and I'll be there as soon as possible."

"I know, Liv," he said, looking back out of the car window. "Why…why are you parking?"

Olivia found a spot, cut the engine off, and unbuckled her seatbelt.

"No way in hell are you waiting in this airport by yourself. I've got my shield. I'll wait with you until you board."

Ed nodded and climbed out of the car, grabbing his carry on that he packed hastily. If he was honest, he had no clue what he actually threw into it, especially since he packed at Olivia's. Ed gripped her hand and they hurried to the terminal. As Ed checked in with the agent and explained the situation, the agent asked for both shields, handed over a pass for Olivia to go to the gate, and wished them well. Twenty minutes later the couple was through security and sitting at the gate, about fifteen minutes before it began to board. Ed had yet to let go of Olivia's hand.

As the gate attendant made the pre-boarding announcements, Ed stood up and Olivia followed suit. She was suddenly overcome with emotion and dread, not wanting him to have to go alone. It was taking all the strength she had to not get a last minute ticket and just go with him.

"Liv," he whispered, dropping his bag and pulling her into his arms. "Thank you," he said. "Thank you."

"I'm right here, Ed," she said, clutching him tightly to her. "I love you. Call me. Okay? And…I'll be there if you need me."

Ed was allowed to board first. He gave Olivia a kiss, then another, and walked towards the gate, not letting go of her hand until she was physically out of reach. Olivia watched him disappear from her sight and allowed herself to fall against one of the large pillars and close her eyes.

"God, please watch over them," she said to herself. Olivia waited a few more minutes, making sure the flight was actually going to take off, then reluctantly made her way back to the cruiser and into Manhattan alone.

* * *

An hour later, Olivia had drug herself into the squad room donning worn-looking jeans, a white henley and grey slip on sneakers. It was a look none of her detectives had seen from her wear in a work environment, but Olivia didn't care and neither did they.

After picking Noah up from Amanda's, she had headed home to shower, change, and wait for Lucy. Olivia tried to distract herself by playing with her son, but he was so confused from being woken up a few times that all he wanted to do was curl up into her chest and sleep. Left with nothing to distract her, she flipped mindlessly through television shows until a knock at the door signaled the arrival of Lucy. Struggling to leave her son and try to carry on her day as normal, Olivia was out of it by the time she arrived at work. Fin caught a glimpse of her expression as she strode towards her office. Concerned, he quickly finished up what he was typing and knocked on her door.

"Come in," she said, tossing her glasses off and onto the desk before leaning back and waiting for Fin to sit down. "What's up?"

"You okay, boss?"

Olivia just scoffed and shook her head.

"Amanda told me," he admitted. "But not much. Need to talk?"

Olivia dropped her head into her hands and tried to take some deep breaths. She could barely comprehend Fin's simple words, let alone figure out an answer. Olivia's default way of dealing with terrible, awful things had always been to throw herself into work. Except this time, the terrible awful things were happening to people she loved, not herself, which made it harder for her to soldier on.

"I should be there," she whispered, clicking her phone and once again staring at the lock screen. "I know he wants to…assess. But. I don't want him to be alone."

Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence and she immediately bit her lip and looked up towards to ceiling. "Fin, I don't know what to do."

Fin leaned forward and studied his boss and his friend.

"Don't sell yourself short, Liv," he said. "You know what you need to do."

A lone tear ran down Olivia's cheek and she swiped it away.

"Hey," Fin said, waiting until Olivia finally looked at him before he continued. "We've got this. I've gotcha. You're covered. Go spend some time with your son and get on a plane."

Olivia gave her longtime friend a teary, yet grateful smile.

"Thank you," she said, standing up and throwing some files and her laptop back into her tote. She moved around the desk and to the door.

Fin got up and grasped her elbow as she walked by. "Call me," he said. "No matter the time. If you need anything. Got it?"

Olivia dropped her bag briefly and gave Fin a hug. "It'll be alright, Liv."

"I'll see ya later," she said, giving him once last grateful look before hurrying out of the squad room.

* * *

Ed burst through the double doors leading into the UCLA Medical Center. He did a quick scan before running up to the attendant on duty.

"Tucker," he said breathlessly. "Emma Tucker."

The attendant, clearly aware of the situation, gently pointed him in the right direction and wished him luck. Ed didn't even hear her comments. He was already jogging down the hallway and following the signs. After what seemed like an unnecessarily long run through a maze, Ed turned a corner and saw Nate just as he was exiting what looked to be a trauma bay, but it had it's own door.

"Dad," he said, running towards him. Ed gripped his son and held him tightly, his eyes closing in a moment of pure relief.

"Nate," he rasped, before holding him at arm's length and looking him over. "Ya okay?"

"I'm…" he began, about to say he was just fine, but that would've been a lie. "I dunno how I am."

"That's okay, son," Ed said softly, wrapping an arm around his shoulders as they made their way towards where Emma was. "You don't have to know, or do anything. That's what I'm here for. I'm here."

"Emma's, well," Nate, obviously in shock, was having trouble communicating with Ed.

"Let's just get in there to her," Ed said. "I'll deal with whatever I have to deal with okay?"

"Hey, do you mind if I just…clear my head some?" Nate's eyes were wide, as if Ed was going to be upset that he needed some time.

"Of course not," he said. "Do you need cash for anything?"

"Nah," Nate responded. "Just gonna walk a bit. I'll be back soon."

He began to walk off, but Ed called out to him. "Nate?"

"Yeah, Dad?"

"I love you."

Nate's chin trembled as he gave Ed a brief, sad smile. "Love you too."

Ed watched as Nate disappeared around the corner before turning, taking a deep breath, and quietly opening the door to Emma's room. He simultaneously breathed a sigh of relief at the sight in front of him, while also feeling his heart crack. Emma looked small in the hospital bed. They had her in a pale pink hospital gown and she had pulled the covered up to her neck. Eyes closed, Ed assumed perhaps she was asleep but as he moved towards the bed her eyes shot open.

"Hey, Emma," he said softly, trying to calm the fear he saw in her face. "It's just me."

"Dad." Her voice was raspy, almost hoarse, and so soft. Ed quickly took the remaining few steps and sat on the edge of her bed. He leaned down and kissed her forehead before cupping her face.

"I'm here," he whispered. "I'm right here. You're okay."

Her eyes began to glaze over and her words slurred. Ed noticed the IV in her arm and wondered what kind of drugs they were pumping into her. He made a mental note to find a nurse once she was calm and asleep. But for now, he had more important things to do.

"What can I do? What do you need?"

Ed's words came out quickly, but Emma hung onto them. She reached up and grasped his wrist, holding it tightly. "Don't leave."

"I promise you I'm not leaving sweetheart," he said. "I'm gonna be right here, okay? You're safe."

"I'm sleepy," she murmured. "But I don't want to close my eyes."

Ed's heart just continued to crack as he listened to her voice, but for the time being he needed to be rock solid. "I'll keep watch, okay? You can sleep now. I'm not gonna let anything else happen."

"Okay," she whispered. "Love you." Emma's eyes fluttered closed and Ed noticed her breathing even out. Reluctant to move, Ed made the decision to shift into the chair right next to Emma's bed and keep hold of her hand, making sure she knew he was there. As he took in her appearance, he noticed a bruise forming on her upper cheek and a few cuts on the one exposed arm. Still unclear on exactly what went on inside that house, Ed could feel the anger begin to bubble up and he had to fight hard to suppress it. There would be a time, later on down the road, when he could let his anger show. But right now, his one and only concern was the well-being of his two children.

A knock at the door startled Ed out of his thoughts. A young looking nurse came in followed by two men in suits with shields. Ed stood up and introduced himself, quickly learning that they were both detectives with the LAPD.

"Listen, I know ya need information, but I'm not sure she's up for this," Ed said, understanding the urgency in the police work but not quite willing to let them near his daughter at the moment.

"We understand, Captain Tucker," the older looking detective said. "Our captain actually just sent us in to see if you had any questions."

Ed rubbed his hand over his face and glanced at Emma. She looked to be completely out of it, so Ed sat back down and looked up at the officers.

"What the hell happened?"

The officers went on to explain what they knew of the events leading up to Chris pulling the gun. "Looks to us like the mom, Suzanne, threw herself on top of Emma as soon as the gun was pulled. Three of the bullets hit her, another two look to have ricocheted off the floor very close to Emma's body. The perp made a run for it. Several LAPD officers cornered him about half a mile from the house. He fired a few shots and they fired back, killing him. Paramedics did everything they could, but by the time they got to the hospital…" His words tapered off but Ed knew exactly what he was going to say. He turned back to look at Emma as he digested the information.

"Has she, Emma, said much?" Ed asked the question not because he wanted to know if the officers had what they needed, but because he desperately needed to know her headspace and how she had been coping, if at all.

"She gave an initial statement as they cleaned her up. Almost robotic. She was clearly in shock. As soon as she started getting upset, the doctor kicked us out. We spoke with Nate, your son, and then decided to come back a little later once you had arrived."

"We have her on a light sedative," the nurse said, suddenly reminding Ed she was in the room. She puttered around the machine monitoring Emma's vitals. "She can go home with you once she wakes up."

The nurse departed, followed soon by the detectives, leaving Ed alone with Emma in the hospital bay. Overwhelmed, Ed just kept rubbing at his temple. He still couldn't wrap his mind around what had happened to his family. The door creaked open again and Nate entered quietly. He moved quickly and pulled a chair next to Ed, getting as close as possible to his father.

"Now what?" Nate asked, his voice sounding much younger and more vulnerable than Ed had ever heard. "What do we do now?

Ed grabbed Emma's hand and reached over for Nate's. "I'm not sure, son," he said honestly. "But we'll do it together."

* * *

Back in New York, Olivia had gotten home and relieved Lucy. Noah was happily playing with his toys and so Olivia made a few phone calls to try and get more information as to what happened. She spoke at length to the Captain of the Los Angeles Special Victims Unit, who had told her everything he knew at that point. Springing into action, Olivia researched hotels that were close to the hospital for Ed, who was grateful to have her figure out accommodations. She had correctly assumed he had given no thought as to where he would be staying, and Olivia knew he would have Nate and Emma wherever he went.

"Do you have suites available? Right. Okay. Can I book the two bedroom suite, as well as a regular room? Yes. Olivia Benson. It may be Ed Tucker who checks in. Great. Yes. Thank you so much."

After giving her credit card information, Olivia hung up and texted Ed the details.

_I got an extra room. Unless you think it's a bad idea, I'm gonna fly out tonight._

Instead of a texting response, she got a phone call.

"How are you? How are Nate and Emma?"

"I'm okay," he replied honestly. "Nate and Emma are in shock. Thanks for figuring out the hotel."

"It's a two bedroom suite, in case any of you need space."

There was silence on the phone call for a bit, before Olivia cleared her throat.

"I want to be there for you," she said softly. "I'll stay back if you really want me to, but…I can also be on the 4pm flight."

"What about Noah?"

"Nick is in San Diego, and not working. He'll come up and hang out with Noah when I need to be elsewhere. I just…I don't want you to be alone. I want to be there."

"Okay," Ed said, his voice full of grateful relief. "Please. Come."

Olivia smiled sadly into the phone and swallowed her welling tears.

"I'll be there as soon as I can."


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

Nate sat next to Emma on the sofa in their hotel suite while Ed walked the detectives to the door and spoke quietly with them. They had assured the trio it was an open and shut case, as there was no need to keep questioning the kids further. But Ed wasn't quite assuaged with the information he had received.

"You, uh, you think we'll ever find out what went through his head?" Ed asked, scratching the back of his neck. He was speaking softly so Nate and Emma wouldn't overhear. He knew Chris. They had been partners for years, and despite the affair and having so many years between his last interaction with the man, he never imagined he would be capable of this kind of crime. "Was there any indication that something was wrong?"

"We don't have record of any previous infractions or reports. I plan to do a little digging, see if he was being treated for any kind of medical or psychological condition. But other than that…"

Ed just sighed and rubbed even harder at his neck, creating red splotches. He was kicking himself for not pushing further into why Emma didn't like Chris. In Ed's mind, he had a responsibility to keep his kids safe and somehow he had completely failed them.

"Okay," he finally responded. "Keep me posted."

"Of course, Captain. Take care."

Ed let the door close softly and turned all the locks. He checked his watch before closing his eyes and resting his forehead on the dark wood hotel door, gathering his thoughts. Olivia's plane would land in about an hour, but until then he had to figure out what to do to help his kids. Feeling at a loss, he silently willed Olivia's arrival to happen sooner. _She always knows what to do_, he thought to himself before taking a deep breath and making his way back into the main living area of the hotel room, but froze as soon as he entered. Nate and Emma were side by side, clutching hands and looking at him with painful, pleading eyes. Ed found himself suddenly overwhelmed at the thought of trying to navigate his kids through the tragic death of their mother, and he hadn't a clue where to start. Clearing his throat, he made his way over to the coffee table and sat down so he was right in front of them.

"What do you need," he asked, his eyes moving between Nate and Emma fairly rapidly. "What can I do?"

Nate looked out at the mid-morning sun peeking through the window shades. "It should be raining today," he mumbled.

Unsure what to do with that comment, Ed turned towards the windows himself. "We can close these blinds," he said, standing up and drawing the room darkening curtains to the sun wasn't illuminating the room anymore. He turned on a couple of lamps and then reclaimed his coffee table seat.

"Thanks," Nate whispered before leaning back and closing his eyes. His jaw was steeled in the same way Ed's was, which highlighted how closely Nate resembled his father. But that resemblance went deeper than just physical appearance. Nate was a protector. He was a high achiever and was always strong when he needed to be. Ed could see the inner turmoil. He was halfway to being twenty and to Ed, he was still too young to put that much responsibility on himself. But Ed knew that argument would have been futile. Nate was his clone. Still gazing at his kids, Ed noticed that Nate's hand had not let go of Emma's, but the young girl had yet to speak a word since entering the hotel.

"Emma?" Ed asked softly. "Do you want water? Soda? Anything? Are you in pain?"

Her blue eyes finally met Ed's and his heart clenched. She had a bruise forming on the left side of her cheek and jaw, and although not visible with her oversized hospital issued sweatshirt, she had little cuts along her back and shoulder from where she fell on the broken glass. Ed had absolutely no idea who to proceed. What do you say to a teenager who had not only just lost her mother, but had witnessed the violence that lead to that death. As he searched his brain, years of NYPD training swirled around but he couldn't form any kind of coherent thought.

"Is there coffee here?" Her voice was barely audible, but Ed heard every word. He looked around, then stood up to grab the information packet on the desk.

"There's a maker here in the room," he mumbled. "But that coffee is never good. How about I run out and grab some. There's a coffee shop next door." Ed patted his pockets, making sure he still had his wallet and went to grab a hotel key, but Emma stopped him.

"No," she said, her voice still barely above a whisper, but the tone was more frantic. "Don't leave. It's okay. I'm fine without."

Ed immediately moved back over to Emma and grabbed her free hand, kissing her cheek. "Okay," he reassured her. "Okay, I'm not gonna leave. Let's see if we can get some room service."

Emma gave him a small smile. "Sounds good."

"When's Olivia getting here?" Nate asked. Ed moved to sit on the other side of Emma, on the edge of the cushion as it was a small love seat and wasn't quite big enough for three.

"Ah, she lands in about an hour," he reported. "Probably a couple hours before she's at the hotel."

"Olivia's coming?" Emma asked, still in a hushed, monotone.

"She is," Ed said slowly. He had told his kids she was on her way earlier as they were settling into the hotel. Nate had inquired after noticing there were two separate rooms in the reservation. But Ed figured Emma may not be retaining a lot of information.

Her face scrunched up slightly, but she winced at the pain in her jaw. "Why?"

"I asked her to come," Ed answered honestly. "I wanted her here. She's…good at navigating things like this. Much better than I am. I think she'll be able to help. And she wants to."

Emma just nodded and pulled her hands from Ed and Nate's. Standing up, she stretched slightly and yawned. "I'm gonna go lie down."

Ed stood quickly and kissed Emma's head. "Okay, sweetheart," he said. "Yell if you need anything."

Emma didn't respond, she just walked numbly and disappeared into one of the bedrooms, leaving the door open slightly. Ed let out a sigh and collapsed onto the sofa. He reached out and patted Nate's hand before turning to face him.

"How ya holdin' up, son?"

"Ah," he began, his voice hesitant and cautious while he tried to collect his thoughts. "I…it doesn't seem real yet."

Ed nodded. "That's normal," he replied, nervous about saying the wrong thing. But his desperation to talk to his kids, check on them, make sure they didn't feel alone was stronger than his fear of messing this up. "And ya know, Nate, you don't have to feel a certain way. In fact, you can feel however, and whatever, you want right now. There's no right or wrong."

"Yeah, I guess," he said. "When I really let myself think about it, I'm angry. Except, I can't quite feel angry. It's like, I know I'm angry but I'm still too numb to feel it."

"That makes sense," Ed responded. "Honestly, I'm pretty angry too. But my worry for you and for Emma is keeping me from feeling that anger. And…that's okay right now."

"I guess."

The two Tucker men sat in silence for nearly half an hour, before Ed cleared his throat. "Listen, son," he said, squeezing his shoulder and looking him in the eyes. "I want you to talk to me. Let me know what you need. How you feel. If I need to do something more…or different. With you, or with Emma." He paused, making sure Nate was following and wasn't overwhelmed. When Ed was confident he wanted him to continue, he did. "I have no idea what to do here," he admitted honestly. "All I know if that I'm gonna be here, every step of the way. You will never navigate this alone, Nate. I promise you. I love you, kid."

As soon as Ed said those final words, Nate's face crumbled and he allowed the tears to flow. Ed just pulled him firmly to him and held his son's head against his shoulder. He kissed his head in the same fashion he had done with Emma earlier and looked up, trying to keep his own tears at bay.

"It's gonna be okay," he said softly. "We're gonna be okay."

* * *

Olivia had just gotten Noah out of the carseat in the Uber and was struggling to pull her suitcase out of the trunk while keeping a hold of his hand, when Ed came jogging out of the automatic double doors of the hotel. Noah jumped in excitement and tugged at Olivia's hand, causing her to look up and smile in relief.

"Ed!" she gushed, letting go of the suitcase handle and allowing him to pull her into his arms. It was an awkward angle with Noah still jumping around at their feet. Ed reluctantly let her go and hoisted the little boy up into the air, allowing Olivia to more easily grab her suitcase and shut the trunk. As the Uber sped away, she grumbled about his unwillingness to help but quickly brushed the frustration aside.

"Hi," she said softly, leaning up to kiss his lips and stroke Noah's cheek. The little boy immediately rested his head on Ed's shoulders and gave his mother a soft smile. "You got your Ed, little man?"

Noah's grin just grew, as did Ed's.

"I'm so happy to see you," he rasped, pulling her back into his chest with his free arm. "So so happy. Relieved."

"I'm here, Ed," she whispered, resting her chin just above his chest and looking up at him. "I'm right here. For whatever you need."

"Come on," he said, grabbing her hand and guiding her inside the hotel. Rolling her suitcase, Olivia asked if they were already checked in.

"Yep," Ed replied. "I have your room key in my pocket. It's on the other end of the hall, but the same floor."

Olivia waited to ask more questions until they had reached her room. Ed tossed Noah gently onto the bed, eliciting some giggles. He made sure the little boy was occupied with a book before turning and pulling Olivia to him for a proper embrace. Ed gripped her tightly, one hand buried in her hair and the other wrapped around her upper back. Olivia's hands gripped his shirt, just above his jeans pockets and she allowed them to sway gently.

"I'm so glad you're here," he whispered. "So so glad."

Olivia just sighed into his chest. "Of course," she said, slightly pulling back. She reached up and cupped his face, kissing at his lips. "Tell me what to do. What do you need?"

Ed opened and closed his mouth a few times before shaking his head. "I have no idea," he said. His voice was strained, and Olivia had to fight her own tears as she saw them well up in Ed's eyes. "I don't know what to do myself."

"Oh, baby," she said, pulling him back to her and stroking the back of his head. "Okay," she whispered. "Okay. How about you let me change Noah and let's go down and see how your kids are doing. Then take it from there. Good?"

"Yeah," Ed said, pulling away. "Imma splash water on my face."

Olivia watched him disappear into her bathroom and bit her bottom lip before turning to Noah. "We have our work cut out for us, little man," she said, smiling softly at his face when he looked up at her curiously. "Let's get you a fresh diaper and go see Nate and Emma."

Ed and Olivia walked down the hall, flanking either side of Noah and holding his little hands. He toddled along, smile on his face as he looked down the long hallway, likely thinking to himself he had a lot of freedom. Much to his disappointment, Ed and Olivia stopped and guided him into the hotel suite. He fought a little, wanting to be back in the hallway, until he saw Nate sitting on the couch and surfing the television.

"Bah!" Noah exclaimed, stumbling a little before moving towards him. Nate grinned widely and hoisted Noah up onto the couch with him.

"Hey Noah," he said warmly. "How ya doing?"

Noah just poked around at Nate's face, babbling something only he understood.

"Didja fly on an airplane?"

Noah looked up, alert as ever and grinned before giving Nate a big hug.

"Aw, you missed your buddy, huh sweet Noah?" Olivia cooed, still standing in the little entryway to the room. "Hi Nate," she said, making her way over to the arm chair next to the duo. "How are you holding up?"

Nate just shrugged. "Okay, I guess."

Olivia gave him a sad smile.

"Happy to hang out with Noah," he said, bouncing the toddler a bit. "No, did you bring some toys." He squirmed to get down, went to his backpack, and tried to drag it over to Nate. The older boy laughed and went to help.

"Here we go, big guy," Nate said. "Puzzle?" Noah plopped onto his bottom and dumped the pieces everywhere. Everyone chucked and Nate made his way to sit with him. "Guess that answers my question."

As they began to put the large, wooden pieces together, Emma wandered out of the bedroom. She had changed into pink and black plaid pajama pants and a black tank top. She stopped suddenly, seeing Olivia and Noah had arrived.

"Hi Olivia," she said quietly.

"Hey Emma," she responded, eyeing her carefully and moving to stand next to her. "How do you feel?"

Emma just shrugged. Olivia couldn't help but notice the little cuts on her shoulder. Ed hadn't been able to really fill her in on what happened, so she kept questions to herself and focused on other things.

"Tired," Emma admitted. "But I can't really sleep."

Noah had noticed another voice and grinned at Emma, holding up a wooden puzzle piece and offering her the chance to help them. Emma just smiled. "Maybe in a bit, kiddo," she said. "My mouth feels like cotton."

"Probably whatever they gave you at the hospital," Ed said. "There's water in the mini fridge."

"I'll get it," Olivia said, moving quickly to get the water and get back to Emma's side, unscrewing the cap and handing it over. "You need to sit down?"

"I'm fine," Emma said, gulping the entire bottle of water down. Olivia took it back and wandered to put it in recycling. Emma wrapped her arms around her waist, opening her mouth to say something else, but the shrill ring of a phone went off.

"That's me," Ed mumbled, excusing himself to the other room to take the call. An awkward silence fell over the room. Emma didn't seem like she wanted to talk anymore and Olivia didn't want to push. For a few minutes, the only sounds came from Noah smacking the wooden puzzle pieces in an attempt to find something that fit. Nate would gently guide him, but tried to let him do it himself. Olivia was finally saved from trying to find something to say by Ed reemerging from the bedroom.

"So, uh, we hafta make arrangements," he said, rubbing his neck which had become his new nervous habit. "They gave me the name of a place that's available over the next couple of days. We just have to go meet with them."

He looked at both kids, neither of which made eye contact with him. Ed let out a deep breath. "Do you two want me to handle it, so you don't have to?"

"Where's Aunt Lauren?" Emma asked, her tone having a slight bite to it.

Nate let out a scoff. "Probably on some tropical island not giving a fuck."

"Nate!" Emma said, her eyes wide as she looked at Noah.

"Oh," he said quickly. "Sorry, Olivia."

"It's okay," she said, brushing it off easily. "Not the first, or last, Noah will hear that word."

"Why can't Aunt Lauren deal with this," Emma continued.

The Tucker kids did not have much of an extended family. Suzanne had one sibling, Lauren, but they were not particularly close. The last time Emma or Nate had seen her, they had been 8 and 10 years old, respectively. With no one else left on their mother's side of the family, the onus of planning funeral arrangements and dealing with things such as picking a coffin or urn and finding a burial plot was solely in the hands of her teenage children. Ed was incredulous that Suzanne had not thought to put any plans in place, in case of this kind of tragedy, but he had no time to dwell on that. In that moment, he had to figure out how to walk his kids through not only the tragic loss of their mother, but now all the technicalities that came alone with it.

Ed moved over to Emma and gently rubbed her back, careful of the wounds. "Sounds like she's not gonna be back in town for a bit," he said quietly. "Look guys, I'm happy to do this solo. But if you two want to go, that's fine too. I want you to do what you need to do, and let me…and Olivia…handle everything else."

Nate looked between Ed and Emma and finally stood up. "I'll go, Dad," he said. "Maybe we can go together? Em, you wanna stay here?" He could tell his sister was not up for any kind of funeral arrangements, and in his mind she was too young to have to deal with it. Once again moving into protector mode, Nate just made the decision for her.

"Yeah," she said softly. "Thanks, Nate."

Olivia bit her lip and looked up at Ed, who nodded. "Emma, I can stay with you if you'd like?" Olivia's voice was soft, but sincere, and it was followed by a small but genuine smile from Emma.

"Thanks," she said. "That would be nice."

Ed took a deep breath and looked around for his wallet and keys. "Okay," he said. "Nate, sure you're up for this?"

"Yeah," he said. "Let's just…get it over with."

A few minutes later, the two Tucker men had departed leaving Olivia and Emma standing in the living room of the hotel suite watching Noah continue to do the puzzle.

"Come sit down," Olivia said softly, gently putting her hand on Emma's back and guiding her to the sofa. "I picked up some Dr. Pepper," she offered once they were comfortable on the couch, knowing it was her favorite drink. "And we got some ice from down the hall. Want me to fix you a glass?"

Emma looked up at Olivia, tears springing to her eyes.

"Oh, sweetheart," Olivia said, wanting to hug her but getting the sense Emma did not want that in the moment.

"That's…you remembered," she said softly, wiping away a tear. As soon as the tears had appeared, they disappeared. "That sounds good. Thank you."

"Of course," Olivia said, patting her leg before standing up. "I'll just be in the little kitchenette. Yell if Noah goes rogue."

Emma actually let out a little chuckle and watched the toddler play on his own in the middle of the floor. Noah, sensing he was being watched, got up and rummaged through his backpack. He produced a cardboard book about bugs and toddled over to Emma, requesting to be picked up. Emma smiled at the little boy before gently lifting him into her lap. Noah curled right up into her chest and helped her open the book, pointing at different bugs as his way of requesting Emma to read that particular sentence. Olivia wandered back into the room, having fixed a drink for both herself and Emma, and smiled at the scene. She moved quietly, sitting down on the sofa next to Emma and placing their beverages on the coasters on the coffee table. She tucked a leg under her and rested her elbow on the back of the sofa, observing how Noah was content to just sit with Emma.

"Do you need anything else?" Olivia asked quietly, reaching out to stroke Emma's hair, but the young girl flinched slightly causing Olivia to immediately withdraw her hand.

"Sorry, Liv," Emma said immediately, her eyes downcast. "I…I'm not sure why I did that."

"It's okay," Olivia reassured her. "I promise you it's alright. You're the one in control here. Tell me what you want…or what you don't want. I'm just here to help, if you'll let me."

For the second time since her arrival, Olivia watched as tears welled up in Emma's eyes. She bit her bottom lip and rested her cheek on top of Noah's head, reading the next sentence he pointed to. When he busied himself turning a page, Emma finally looked back up at Olivia.

"This is all I want right now," she said quietly, reaching out to lightly grasp Olivia's wrist.

Olivia opened her hand, allowing Emma's to fall into her palm so she could squeeze it gently before responding. "Then this is what we will do."


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

The sun had already set over Southern California by the time Ed and Nate returned to the hotel. Both men's shoulders were slightly slumped and they had dark circles under their eyes, but Nate's were more pronounced. His eyes also had a reddish hue to them from rubbing and holding back tears for most of the day.

Ed found himself overwhelmed at several points as he navigated decisions with the funeral home, as well as fielded a call from Suzanne's lawyer with details about her assets and a discussion on if and when Nate would be up for the conversation. He had mentioned it to his son in the car outside of the funeral home, the news coming as a small surprise.

"Wait, huh?" Nate asked, his face scrunched up a little bit in confusion. "What's the lawyer for?"

Ed's heart broke as he realized that his son had no idea what was ahead of him, but then again why would he. He briefly explained that his mother had certain designations in place, as far as her home and assets, and that eventually Nate would need to deal with the lawyer as he was the beneficiary she had named. Ed studied Nate's expression as he tried to take in the information, but quickly moved them on.

"We don't have to deal with this now," he assured his son, patting him on the back before entering the funeral home office area. "One step at a time."

Nate numbly had followed Ed into the building and sat quietly as arrangements were discussed and made, only offering an opinion when absolutely necessary. Once the time, date, and other details were confirmed, Ed wrapped his arm around Nate's shoulders and asked if he wanted to get some air or food.

"Can we go over to the beach for a bit?"

Ed gave a small smile. Nate had a certain affinity for the ocean and he suspected that was where his son needed to go and process the events of the last couple of days.

"You bet," Ed said, guiding them back to his rental car. "Preference on which one?"

"Nah," Nate responded, shrugging and buckling up. "Just…one of them."

The father and son duo spent a few hours sitting in the sand, staring at the waves and watching the sun slowly fall towards the water. Nate would talk some, mostly questions about what would happen down the road. Ed answered as honestly as he could, making sure that his son knew he had a lot of options and also support. By the time Nate was ready to go, they had lost a lot of the daytime lighting. But now as they entered the hotel suite, they noticed it was empty.

"That's odd," Nate murmured, heading into the kitchenette to grab a drink. He went to call Emma, but noticed her cell phone rang from one of the bedrooms. Peeking in the room and seeing it was empty, Nate returned to the main living space. "No one's here, but Em left her phone."

Ed could see a small amount of panic in his son, so he quickly called Olivia. She picked up after the first ring. "Hey Liv, where are you?" Ed listened for a bit and occasionally added a few words here and there. "Alright. See you soon. Yeah. Love you too."

Ed dropped his phone onto the coffee table along with his keys and sat next to Nate. "Olivia took Emma over to see Amanda. Said they'll be back in a bit."

Nate nodded. "Good," he said. "Amanda's a good friend. Heather's a little crazy…"

Ed let out a chuckle. "Many teenage girls are."

"Touche."

The men sat in silence for a bit. Ed was just about to reach for the remote when Nate cleared his throat. "So," he said, a small grin forming on his face. "You love Olivia?"

Ed blushed, but wanted to carefully navigate the ribbing his son was giving him, seeing as his mother had died barely twenty-four hours ago.

"I do," he said.

Nate just smiled. "Good."

"I think so too, kid," Ed replied. "Look, I know a lot is happening. So if things are ever, too much, you'll let me know?"

"Yeah," Nate said, his voice suddenly low and raspy.

"What's wrong?"

The younger Tucker just shrugged and looked out the window. The room had a distant view of the downtown Los Angeles city lights, which also illuminated a silhouette of some of the trees and hills around the area.

"It never felt like home here," Nate allowed quietly. "But, damn…I never thought this city would end up being so cruel to us."

Ed turned his body so he was facing Nate and could read his body language. It looked defeated, pained, but there was a hint of something else that Ed couldn't quite figure out.

"I should've been home…" he finally whispered after another period of silence. "I should've…I could've done something."

"Nate…"

"At the very least I could've gotten Emma out of there," he said, his words beginning to come out quickly and in a near panicked tone. "Even if I couldn't help mom, I could've gotten Emma out…so she didn't…fuck." Nate rubbed his face almost viciously in order to keep tears at bay.

"Nate this isn't your fault," Ed said sternly, unwilling to watch his son blame himself for something so out of his control. "Not yours, not Emma's, and not your mother's."

"I should've been home," Nate whispered again, finally letting his head fall forwards into his hands. No tears came, no shudders or cries, he was just still. The only movement Ed could detect was the soft rise and fall of his back as he breathed in and out. Ed wanted to reassure him, to explain there was nothing he could've done to prevent what happened, that even if he had been home, Chris still would've been violent. But he got the sense that Nate wasn't in the right headspace for that kind of conversation. It was going to take a lot of time and patience for his son to truly understand he couldn't have done anything about what happened. What pained Ed the most was knowing how much Nate took after him, and Ed felt a tremendous about of guilt and responsibility over the incident himself. His heart was heavy with the knowledge that Nate likely felt it even worse than he did.

Not knowing what else to do in the moment, Ed reached over and pulled Nate into his chest.

"It's gonna be okay, son," he said softly. "It's gonna be okay."

* * *

The elevator doors opened onto their floor and Olivia exited the car ahead of Emma, moving to open her room door for the young girl. Noah had fallen asleep on the way back to the hotel and hadn't stirred at all as they hailed a cab and rode the twenty minutes back to the hotel. Olivia had gnashed her teeth most of the drive, as they had been unable to find an Uber with a car seat, so Noah stay curled against Emma's chest for the ride. Trying to hide her worry, Olivia focused on figuring how how Emma was holding up, who had kept her cheek on top of Noah's head and stared out of the window for most of the ride.

"Want me to take him?" Olivia offered to take her son and allow Emma to exit the car more easily, but she shook her head.

"No," Emma whispered. "I like that he's all cuddly right now."

Olivia just smiled and got them inside. As they entered the hotel room, she once again hurried ahead of Emma and rummaged through her bag. "Here," she said. "I've got his pajamas, and I'm sure he needs a fresh diaper."

"I'll do it," Emma offered, a small smile on her face. "He's a heavy sleeper."

"He is," Olivia allowed, sitting on the edge of the bed and watching Emma carefully take care of her son. "I suppose it's…well, almost midnight in New York. So his body must be exhausted."

"Oh wow. I didn't even think about the time difference."

"Me neither," Olivia said with a little laugh. "Guess I'm killin' this mom thing, huh."

Olivia winced at her words, ready to backtrack and apologize, but they didn't seem to phase Emma. "Ah," she said, as she finished snapping Noah's pajamas into place and hoisting him back into her arms. "I get the sense you're pretty good at it…"

She moved to sit on the little sofa that was placed near the window in Olivia's room and propped her feet on the small table. Noah was plastered to her chest and was now fisting Emma's tank top as he snoozed. Olivia smiled at the sight and went to join them.

"Thanks for taking me to see Amanda," Emma finally said in a hushed tone. "And for the smoothie and sandwich."

"Of course, sweetheart," Olivia said. "Like I said, whatever you need."

Emma bit her bottom lip as it began to tremble and tried to keep her chest from heaving as to not wake up Noah.

"This is really happening, isn't it?"

Olivia sighed and went to gently brush Emma's hair behind her ear. "It is," she allowed, her own voice full of emotion. "And I'm just so sorry, Emma."

Emma was about to open her mouth to say something else when Olivia heard the key card click and the door open, revealing an equally tired and emotional Ed Tucker.

"Hey you two," he said, stopping and smiling at the sight of Noah and Emma. "Been wondering where ya were."

"Sorry," Olivia said, not bothering to get up but shooting him a wide smile. "Just relaxing a bit. Chatting."

"Ah," Ed said. "I can head back down the hall."

"No," Emma said quickly, fidgeting a bit and kissing Noah's head. "I could use a shower. Just been taking advantage of this little guy being asleep and actually cuddling."

"It's a good feeling, huh," Ed said, watching Olivia take Noah and move him over to the bed. She packed pillows on either side of him and straightened back up, stretching her arms over her head.

"Thanks again, Liv," she said softly, padding towards the door. "See ya tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Emma," Olivia responded. "I'm here if you need me."

The young girl shot Olivia a grateful smile before making her exit, allowing the door to click softly closed behind her. Olivia let out a sigh and moved over towards Ed, taking him into her arms.

"How'd it go today?"

Ed just grunted, holding her tightly and swaying gently.

"Nate holding up?"

"He's…trying," Ed allowed. "He's got a lot of guilt. I'm worried about him. Both of them."

"Me too," Olivia whispered. Ed shifted them so they could sit on the sofa for a bit. "When's the service?"

"Ah, the wake'll be day after tomorrow," he said, rubbing his neck again. It seemed to be his nervous habit of choice. "Service right after. Nate wanted to get it all over with at one time. Can't say I blame him."

"So much for him to think about," Olivia thought out loud. "Feel responsible for."

"How did Suzanne not have things in place already?" Ed's tone was both full of shock and also a little anger. "The last thing those kids need to deal with right now is all this, legal and ritual garbage."

Olivia just reached out and rubbed his arms, not sure what else to say.

"How was Emma?"

"She was…quiet," Olivia said. "I think it was good for her to be with her friend. Amanda's mother was gracious. We sat on their back patio and let Noah run around with their little dog while the girls were upstairs for…a few hours, I suppose."

"Thanks for doin' that," Ed said, reached out and tracing Olivia's cheek.

"Of course."

Ed let out a sigh. "I need to head back down there. Check on them," he said, looking longingly at Olivia. "But I…god I wish I could just be here with you. Sleep next to you."

Olivia gave him a sad smile and cupped his face. "Me too. But…I'm here," she whispered. "Go be with your kids. And come down here…or tell me to come there…anytime. Okay?"

Ed just nodded and leaned over to kiss Olivia's lips gently. When he pulled back, she could see a tear rolling down his right cheek.

"Baby," she whispered, wiping it away and following her thumb with her lips. She walked him to the door and gave him another tight hug. "I love you."

Ed gave her one last kiss and a sad smile before heading down the hall, hearing the door shut softly behind him. Olivia leaned her body against the door and looked up towards the ceiling, letting out a heavy sigh and finally letting her own tears fall.

* * *

Olivia found Nate perched on a stone fence outside of the cemetery. It had been a gorgeous day, weather wise, and cooler than the average summer day in Los Angeles. Olivia stayed with Noah in the crying room of the parish in which Suzanne's service was held. Ed wanted Olivia with him and by his side, but she ultimately convinced him she didn't particularly belong at the funeral service. Ed had grumbled that he didn't either, but Olivia firmly told him he needed to be there for his kids. She finally compromised and went with them, staying in the room designated for small children in the back of the church. It was a small service, followed by a private burial. Nick had met Olivia at the church, having been caught in traffic that morning. He had offered to take the little boy for the day and night, giving Olivia time to focus on the Tuckers which she had graciously accepted.

Following the burial, Emma sat still next to the cemetery plot clutching a red rose in her hand. Nate had wandered off, and Ed looked at Olivia helplessly, unsure which child to focus on. She nodded towards Emma and then wandered off, hoping to find Nate and check in.

"Hey," she said quietly, not wanting to scare him. She came around the fence and perched next to him. "How are you holding up?"

Nate just let out a breath and shook his head, not saying anything for a while. Olivia didn't speak either, she just sat quietly next to him and allowed him to do whatever he needed to do.

"So that's just it, I guess," he said softly, kicking his feet at the grass and staring out over the sea of tombstones and grass. "Now we just…I dunno, move on."

Olivia gave him a sad smile. "It's an abrupt process, isn't it," she allowed. "There's nothing natural about losing a parent in this way, at this age."

"You think it'll ever feel real?" Nate turned to look at Olivia with wide eyes, identical to Ed's but also mirroring the look Emma would often give.

Olivia took a deep breath and pondered her answer. "My mom died suddenly too," she said softly, gaging Nate's reaction as to if she should continue. He seemed to hang on to her words, so she kept going cautiously. "She had been drinking and fell down a flight of subway stairs…"

"Damn," Nate whispered, curiously watching the woman in front of him, his eyes asking her to keep going.

"I was older than you," she said. "So it wasn't quite the same…but the sudden, unexpected nature was similar. And if I'm honest, there are times it still doesn't feel real. Grief is…well, grief is like that."

Nate nodded and looked back over the cemetery, barely making out the blue tent in the distance that housed his sister and father. "I'm worried about Emma," he said, shifting the focus. But Olivia didn't let him off the hook that easily.

"I am too," she allowed. "But I'm also worried about you. Nate, you don't have to always be the strong one." Olivia noticed Nate's shoulders shake slightly as she spoke. "That's what your dad is for. What I'm for, if you'd like."

Tears made their way down his cheeks. "Yeah," he said softly before changing the subject yet again. "You think Dad'll care if a couple friends of mine and Emma's come to the suite after this?"

"Of course not," Olivia replied. "Whatever you want."

"Thanks for being here," Nate finally said, looking back over at Olivia. "Dad…Emma…all of us, I think we need you."

"Then this is where I'll be."

* * *

Soft grunts and groans filled Olivia's hotel room, the mattress shifting slightly as Ed moved on top of Olivia, thrusting in and out of her body with his face buried in her neck.

"Ed…" she gasped before letting out another deep moan.

As they had arrived back at the hotel, several friends of Nate and Emma's had beaten them there and were waiting in to lobby. The kids went up and into the suite, and Ed let them know he'd be down the hall if they needed him. Content to let his kids process and do what they needed to do with friends, Ed and Olivia slipped quietly into her room and Ed turned all the locks. She had assumed he would want to talk and process the day, but he didn't say a word. Ed moved quickly to Olivia and crushed his lips to hers, pulling their bodies flush against each other as he tried to devour her face. They made quick work of shedding their clothes and before Olivia knew it, she was on her back as Ed let out quiet grunts with each thrust into her.

Their bodies were slick, sweat dripping onto the sheets from both of their faces, but Ed was unrelenting. Olivia smiled and ran her nails up and down his spine, letting out soft cries and whimpers as Ed deepened his movements. Her back arched and she cried out as he brought her to an intense orgasm. Body quivering, Olivia bit down on Ed's shoulders as she rode it out and tried catch her breath despite Ed continuing to make love to her, his energy not seeming to fade.

By the time Ed let out a loud grunt and spilled into her, Olivia had reached another orgasm and her body was spent. Ed remained on top, softening inside of her and giving them both time to catch their breath.

"Wow," she whispered, allowing her arms to fall on either side of her face. Ed lifted his head and smiled down at the sight of Olivia's sweaty body and matted hair resting sated against the white sheets of the hotel bed. "That was…"

She didn't have words and let her sentence trail off, as Ed leaned down and nipped some more and her neck and throat. "God I love you," she said, her body jerking slightly as Ed's movements caused him to rock inside of her again.

Ed let out a sigh and finally rolled to the side, but immediately pulled her close.

"Goddamn, I needed that," he rasped, tangling his fingers in her hair and kissing at her face. "I love you, Liv. I love you so much."

Olivia tickled at his belly and let out a content moan. "I love you too…"

They laid in silence for a bit, neither one of them feeling the urge to move. Finally Ed let out a deep breath. "Now what," he wondered out loud. "I…now what do I do?"

Olivia wrapped an arm around his chest and nuzzled into his side.

"I, well," she began, suddenly realizing that their home was in New York, but his kids currently lived in Los Angeles. "I don't really know."

"Do I bring them back with me," he wondered out loud. "Am I supposed to stay here? For how long? Emma's about the start her senior year…am I expecting her to move back with me?"

Olivia felt her heart break slightly at the thought of Ed having to stay in Los Angeles for a substantial amount of time, but tried not to let it show. "I guess it's up to them," she said, her voice betraying her emotions. "You have options."

Ed just held her tighter.

"How about we shelve that thought for now," Olivia said, both for herself and Ed as she selfishly wasn't ready to think about being apart for that long. "Let's just finish this day. Be together. Be close. And then tomorrow…well, tomorrow we can start thinking about what's next."

Ed nodded, kissing Olivia's nose, and allowed his hands to wander back down her body.

"Now that," he said, rolling Olivia once again onto her back and burying his face in her chest, "is a good idea."

* * *

**_Is Ed going have to stay in LA? Hit that review button..._**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

The sound of waves created a gentle, relaxing background as Ed and Olivia allowed themselves to recline in their chairs and watch Noah fill cups with sand and dump it back out. After a long few days of being together nonstop, in a somewhat cramped hotel suite, the Tucker family was ready for some time apart. Ed jumped at the opportunity to get Olivia and Noah out and about along the West Coast. He had diligently googled toddler friendly ideas and eventually decided to just take them over to the Santa Monica Pier where there was an aquarium, a few kiddie rides, and an open beach. Ed found himself full of contentment as he watched Olivia smile and Noah point out all the activity.

After an hour long stroll through the aquarium, with Noah energetically jabbering to the biggest, most colorful fish, they stopped for a quick lunch and headed to the sand. Noah had dozed for a little bit in the shade of an umbrella Ed purchased, but was now awake and back to playing and enjoying his time.

"This is nice," Olivia murmured. Her brown tinted aviators rested about midway down her nose and her hair had an eluding wind-blown, beachy look. She wore no makeup, allowing her natural tone and freckles to be highlighted. Ed, assuming they'd spend a little time on the beach, encouraged her to wear swim gear. So she had thrown on a deep blue swimsuit under her cream colored sundress. After being together and dating for a little over a year, Ed found the sundress slightly uncharacteristic, but he couldn't help but admire her smooth, tan legs as she stretched them out in front of her.

"Very nice," he said, still eyeing her.

Olivia smirked and looked at him, her eyes peering over the top of her glasses. "See something you like?"

Ed just grunted. "I see a lot of things I like," he said, leaning over to kiss her cheek and refocusing himself before getting carried away. "Noah seems to enjoy the sand."

"He does," Olivia sighed. "I should've gotten him to the beach more last summer. And this summer."

"There's still time."

"Yeah," she said, her voice dropping to a whisper Ed could barely hear. She kept watching Noah, allowing herself a few minutes before continuing. "Speaking of time…"

Ed tensed, as he had a feeling what was coming next.

"Dodds called this morning," she said slowly, turning her chair and body so she was facing Ed. "I'm gonna have to get back soon."

Ed gave her a small smile and grabbed for her hand, kissing the top of it and holding it tight. "How soon?"

"Couple days," she said. "Today's…Sunday? Right?"

Ed let out a laugh. "To be honest, I've lost track."

"I was thinking I'd book the red-eye back tomorrow night," she suggested. "It'll give me one more full day with you, Nate, and Emma. I can help get things organized for you or just hang out with Emma tomorrow while you and Nate deal with estate stuff."

"Too bad I can't just sign his name on this stuff," Ed mumbled. "He can't wrap his head around any of it, and yet I have to drag him along merely for his signature."

Olivia gave Ed a sad smile. "The law isn't always kind in these scenarios."

"No kidding."

Keeping one eye on Noah, Olivia scanned Ed's body language. He was still tense, jaw tightly locked. The bags under his eyes were more pronounced in the sunlight and she couldn't help but notice that his hands were almost constantly in fists. She reached over and rubbed at his shoulders a little bit.

"Tell me what you're thinking?"

Ed didn't answer at first, he just kept watching as Noah filled the cup Ed purchased at the aquarium with sand and dumping it over his legs before giggling. Just as he was about to answer, Noah looked up and gave Olivia a wide smile.

"Ma!"

Olivia's jaw dropped as her entire focus shifted to her son. His blue eyes were bright as he looked at her with an excitement and adoration that could only be found on a small child's face.

"Ma!"

Tears sprung to her eyes as Olivia moved out of her chair and reached for Noah. She plucked him from his little spot under the umbrella and held him tightly, not caring that now she was now covered in sand as well. Trying not to alarm the little boy, she held back the happy tears and pressed her forehead to his.

"You like the sand, sweet boy?"

Noah just grinned and patted her cheeks. "Ma!"

Olivia chuckled. "That's right," she said. "I'm your Mommy."

"Mamamamama," Noah kept babbling but strained to get down from her lap and back to his toys. Olivia reluctantly set him back down and watched him fill his cup once more.

"Ma! Sa!"

It was Ed that chuckled this time, ditching his chair and laying down on his side to help Noah play.

"No stopping him now," he said with a grin, pointing out different objects to try and coax more words from him. But Noah was not deterred. He now had two words in his repertoire which he babbled endlessly, not caring to learn any more. Ed eventually gave up and went back to his chair, once again reaching for Olivia's hand.

"A good feelin', huh?"

"The best," Olivia cooed, still staring at her son. "Just…the best."

Hands still clasped together, the couple sat in a comfortable silence for a little while. The only sounds came from the ocean and other families scattered along the sand. After a while, Olivia fidgeted slightly.

"You, uh, you were about to say something…earlier," she began, but with trepidation, for she sensed that she would not like what was about to happen.

It was Ed who fidgeted now, twisting his lips and balling his hands back into a tight fist.

"Yeah," he said, taking a few deep breaths and finally turning to look at Olivia. He reached out and played with her hair, tracing his index finger along her lips. "I…"

Olivia gave him a soft, sad smile. "Just spit it out, Tucker," she said, hoping to lighten the mood. It worked as Ed chuckled a bit before his face once again grew serious.

"I applied for Paid Family Leave early this morning," he said. "Asked for a month. Chief doesn't seem to think it'll be a problem for approval."

Olivia nodded, biting her bottom lip. She had assumed Ed would be staying in Los Angeles for a little while, but hearing him talk about a month hit her hard. It was a long time to be apart, even if it was something they had to do.

"Okay," she whispered, trying to offer him a smile but her lips trembled.

"I know," he said softly. "But I can't…I can't ask the kids to uproot this soon after…well, what happened."

Olivia narrowed her eyes a bit. With Noah still content in the sand, it was as good a time as ever to have this conversation.

"Are you going to ask them to?"

Ed sighed and rubbed his face. "My job, my life, my, well, _you_…are all in New York," he said with a shrug. "But Emma…she only has one year left."

Olivia swallowed hard. She couldn't imagine the heartache of Ed remaining in LA for an entire year. Suddenly that feeling she had so often when men let her down after promising to be there for her returned. She desperately fought it, knowing this was different. The circumstances were different. Ed would never let her down in that way if he could help it. But her heart was racing, because this situation was not entirely in her, or Ed's, control.

Ed noticed her turmoil immediately.

"Olivia, I'm gonna make this work," he promised, kneeling next to her and cupping her face.

"Ed, your kids have to come first."

"I know," he said. "But…that doesn't mean you're second. It just means I have a lot of firsts and I need to figure this out."

"Ed, it's okay," she said, her voice breaking slightly. "It's okay."

"It's not okay right now," he said. "But I'm gonna get us there."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," she said, surprising both herself and Ed with her words.

Ed just squeezed her hands, desperate to reassure the woman in front of him that it was going to be okay. "I can keep this one."

* * *

Emma came into the hotel suite carrying two iced coffees. She half skipped over to her brother, who was hunched over his laptop and typing quickly. Emma hopped onto the sofa, causing Nate to stop typing and look up.

"Thanks, Em," he said, taking his beverage and taking a sip. "Hot out there?"

"Not too bad," she said. "Nice to get out of this room."

"Maybe I should go finish this essay in a park…"

"What's it for?"

"Summer work for next semester's English Lit class," he explained. "I know it's like, six weeks before the semester starts but I felt like…doing something normal."

"My brother the smarty-pants," Emma teased, taking a big gulp of her coffee and setting it down.

"You're pretty smart yourself," he said, shrugging off the compliment. "Could always join me at Stanford."

Emma let out a snort. "Yeah, right," she said. Neither sibling spoke for a little while. Nate pretended to go back to his assignment, but stared blankly at the screen. Emma sat curled up on the sofa, picking at the material of her cutoff denim shorts.

"Hey Nate?" Her voice was soft and unsure, a big change from their banter just a few moments ago. It caught Nate's attention and he clicked save, closed his laptop, and turned his attention to his sister.

"What is it, Em?"

"What, uh, what do you think is gonna happen now?" She didn't make eye contact, instead focusing on making an already decent sized hole in her shorts at bit larger and more frayed.

Nate let out a sigh. "Well," he began, twisting his lips the exact way Ed would often do. "I mean…dad lives in New York."

"Yeah, but we live here," she countered. "I just got settled and made friends."

Not sure how to proceed with the conversation, Nate leaned back and rested his head on the back of the sofa, staring at the ceiling. "It's insane how our lives just…completely changed…in an instant."

"A fucking long instant," Emma snapped, referring to the fact that she saw the whole thing. It was the first time she had brought it up at all, and it startled Nate for a bit.

"How are you doing?" He didn't know what else to say or ask, so he settled on the question, thinking it was safe.

"I'm fine," Emma responded tersely. "Just fine. Everything's awesome. I just wanna know what's happening next."

"Emma…" Nate began to push, and then stopped. He could see anxiety swirling in his sister's eyes. She had held it together pretty well for the last few days, and he had been worried she would snap. This was her typical way of handling things. She'd power through, convincing everyone she was taking things quite well, then she'd completely explode. Lash out, yell, scream, all kinds of things, until she was worn out and guilt ridden by things she said. Eventually she'd even out again, but Nate had been bracing for her moment. But, to his surprise, it didn't come, even as he continued talking. "Well, as for next," he said, "I guess dad since lives in New York, are we…supposed to move back?"

"You mean me," she said quietly. "You have your Stanford place. I'm the one that's gonna have to move."

"I could always transfer," Nate said, biting his lip as he pondered the idea. "Probably not right away, but maybe I could? Then we'd all be out there…"

She stayed quiet. As much as she didn't like moving to Los Angeles to begin with, they'd been there just over two years and she was finally feeling settled. Emma had good friends, was active at school, kept her grades up, and was looking forward to her Senior year.

"I don't know," she whispered. "You love Stanford. And I…well, I don't even know what I love right now."

"I mean," Nate said, scratching his head. "I guess we'll have to figure it out soon? Or…perhaps we aren't gonna have much of a choice…"

His words trailed off as he watched Emma's face go pale and her breathing speed up.

"Emma?"

"Stop…" she whispered breathlessly. She suddenly had a light layer of sweat on her forehead. Nate reached for her, but she violently pulled back and threw her hands up. "Don't touch me."

"Okay," he said slowly. "Okay. Want me to call dad?"

Emma shook her head and tried to slow her breathing. "No," she said. "I just…I can't deal with this right now. I can't…I can't think about it…any of it."

Nate didn't say anything else. He just tried to let Emma calm down. After a few minutes she stood up and bolted to her bedroom, the sound of her rummaging through and tossing things around traveling out to the living area.

"Nate, are my running shoes out there?"

By the time Nate took a look around and wandered into the bedroom, Emma was slinging clothes and other items across the bed searching for some workout clothes.

"I didn't see them," he said, eyeing the room is sudden disarray. Emma was almost too organized in his opinion, and she kept her room and spaces clean. So to see her throwing things around in order to find something was a new experience. "Did you bring them? I don't remember seeing them at all, actually."

"I thought I did," she said, finally stopping and spinning in a circle to view the room. "Fuck," she growled. "I bet they are in the mud room."

Nate looked closely at her before making his next offer. "Want me to go get them?"

Neither kid had been back to the house since the day after their mother's murder. And even then, they had entered through the back door and gone immediately upstairs to pack some things before leaving abruptly. They hadn't even entered the front half of the house, where the living room, kitchen, and designated mud room right as you entered the garage were located.

Emma just shrugged and slung the t-shirt she was still grasping across the room. It knocked into a lamp, causing it to shake but not fall, before landing on the floor on top of a pile she must have thrown earlier. "Just…fuck all of this."

"Hey," Nate said soothingly, moving towards her slowly. "Take a breath. I can go get them."

"No, you can't," she replied, her voice harsh and slightly high pitched. "We can't go back to the house…our house. It's like…we just can't go back. So my running shoes can just fucking stay there. I'll go use the bike in the hotel gym and wear these stupid slip ons."

"Em…"

"Stop," she said, her tone becoming more desperate. "I just need to…do something. Anything. Okay?"

"Okay," Nate said slowly. "Go down to the gym. Want me to come?"

"No," she said, softening her voice and feeling badly about her small outburst. "I just want to be alone."

Nate gave a soft sigh and shrugged his shoulders. "Okay," he said. "Text if you need me."

Emma didn't say anything. She threw her make-shift sneakers on, grabbed her room key and phone, and made a quick exit allowing the door to the room to slam behind her.

* * *

Three hours before Olivia's flight back to New York, she and Ed came back into the suite with a couple of suitcases and bags on one of the hotel carts, along with several to-go meals they snagged from the hotel restaurant. Noah was sitting with Nate on the couch munching on Gerber puffs and watching cartoons. Nate shot them a smile, but didn't get up as Noah was curled up against him.

The adults got to work unloading the cart, placing the bags right outside of the kitchenette.

"I'll take it back downstairs," Ed said, but Olivia grabbed his arm to stop him.

"No," she said. "Let me. You help get the stuff put up somewhere."

They had made a trip back to the house in an attempt to get a good amount of the kids' stuff, particularly Emma's. Nate had let them know about the little episode the night before when they returned from the beach. Concerned, Ed suggested that he and Olivia go gather a bunch of stuff. Each kid made a list of things they wanted, but Olivia decided to just get as much as they could.

"You have to realize Emma may never want to come back here, Ed," she said, organizing the girl's clothes as she packed, making sure things would be easy to find.

"A big hotel bill," he grumbled. "But…"

"Ed." Olivia stopped and grasped his hand. "We both have a ton of points. It's fine."

"I know," he said. "It's just…this is a lot."

The two finished packing and now that they were back in the hotel, Ed looked around for Emma.

"She's in the shower," Nate explained. "Will be out soon. She spent time in the gym again and didn't want to be sweaty when Olivia left."

Ed felt his heart clench thinking about his girlfriend's imminent departure and tried to hide it from Nate, but failed.

"Dad, I'm really sorry…"

"This is not your fault," Ed said. "It's a tough situation, but I'm right where I need to be."

"Is this gonna…well…it's probably not good for you and Olivia."

Ed took a deep breath. "It's not," he said, deciding honesty was best. "But we'll make it work. We both want what's best for you and Emma."

The lock clicked and the door opened, effectively ending their conversation. Olivia came in and put her copy of the key onto the little table by the couch.

"I'm all checked out of my room," she said. "And I guess I won't be needing that. So make sure you put it in your wallet, Ed."

He just nodded and scooped Noah into his lap, nuzzling his cheek. The little boy let out a few giggles, but then squirmed, wanting to get back to his show. Emma emerged from the back room, wet hair pulled back in a pony tail and donning shorts and a t-shirt. She stayed quiet, smiling at Olivia and Ed, before moving to the kitchen.

"Want me to help sort this out?"

"Sure," Olivia said, walking over to help her. "I think they included plates…"

Olivia and Emma put together different plates and the four of them sat at the little table behind the sofa. Noah, realizing he was missing out, climbed down and toddled over to Nate, requesting to sit in his lap. They ate in silence, no one quite knowing what to say given Olivia's departure was quickly approaching. Emma stared at her plate, Nate focused on feeding Noah little bites of his pasta, and Ed kept his hand on Olivia's leg under the table as they eyed each other. Given none of them had a huge appetite, the dinner wrapped up quickly. Emma hurried and cleared the table, happily exiting the room to do the dishes. Ed tied everything else up in a garbage bag and took it down to the shute.

"I'm sorry you have to leave," Nate said softly. "It's been…good…to have you here."

Olivia felt her heart crack. "I'm sorry I have to leave too, Nate," she said. "I wanted to be here…and I wanted to stay. But…"

"Your job," Nate finished. "You do important work."

Olivia gave him a soft smile and reached over to pat his arm. Noah had long since gotten down and was now in the middle of his toys.

"Gonna have to repack his backpack," Nate said with a smile.

Ed and Emma returned to the room about the same time and Olivia reluctantly stood. "Okay," she said. "Let me grab our stuff."

"I got it," Ed said quickly, moving to pack Noah's little backpack and grab Olivia's suitcase and carry on tote.

Taking a deep breath, Olivia went to hug Nate first. She patted his back and squeezed him tightly before pulling back and searching for words to say. "I'm available," she finally said. "Reach out, okay?"

Nate just nodded, unsure how to respond. Olivia gave him a sad smile and moved over to Emma. She couldn't quite tell if the girl wanted a hug, but that question was quickly answered when Emma threw herself against Olivia and gripped her tightly. Olivia returned the hug, rubbing her back and whispering in her ear.

"Call me anytime, Emma," she said softly to her, still holding her close. She heard the girl sniff softly, so she pulled back slightly and ducked her head to meet her eyes. "Oh, sweetheart…"

"Thanks for coming, Liv," she said, her voice shaky but sincere. "We…I…"

Olivia just smiled sadly, kissed the side of Emma's head, and pulled her close once more. "I'm a phone call away. And…if I need to…I can be back here with you. Okay?"

Emma pulled herself out of Olivia's arms and wiped her face with her shirt sleeve.

Knowing she was having a hard time walking out of the room, Ed reluctantly moved towards the door. Olivia scooped up Noah, helped him say goodbye to Nate and Emma, and followed Ed out of the hotel room and down to the lobby.

"Uber is a couple minutes out," she said.

"Carseat?"

"No," Olivia grumbled. "I'll just…hold him tight in my lap."

Ed nodded, his jaw set and his eyes straight ahead.

"Ed…" Olivia began. "I'm…I'm so sorry I have to go back."

He dropped her bags and turned to her, taking both Olivia and Noah into his arms. "Don't ever be sorry," he whispered. "I'm so glad you were here…they needed you. I needed you. Still do."

"Promise you'll call me?" Her words were a little muffled by his chest, but neither one of them cared.

"I promise," he said. Noah squirmed, forcing them to separate slightly. Ed just cupped Olivia's face and stared into her eyes.

"I don't know what to say," Olivia exclaimed, finally allowing a few tears to escape. "See you…sometime? I…" She shook her head and sniffed, trying desperately to stop the tears from flowing but failing. It was excruciating to say goodbye without knowing when they would see each other again.

"Soon," Ed promised. "You'll see me soon. Either here or back in New York. Okay?"

Olivia nodded, then stiffened as she saw the car pull up. Ed put her bags in the trunk and took her into his arms once more.

"I love you, Olivia Benson."

"I love you too, Ed. So much."

He kissed all around her face before landing at her lips, tracing them with his tongue and making sure she could feel his love for her.

"Soon," he promised, holding the door open as she climbed into the back of the black SUV, clutching Noah to her chest. She gave Ed a small, teary smile and coaxed Noah to wave bye. Ed gripped the door before finally forcing himself to close it. As soon as the door was closed, Olivia allowed the tears to stream down her face as she clutched Noah to her. Chest heaving, she turned to look out the back window and saw Ed standing in the parking lot, hands in his pockets, watching them drive away. Eventually, when she could no longer see him, she turned around and buried her face in Noah's hair taking some deep breaths.

"Ma," he said, looking up at her with concerned eyes. Olivia gave him a small smile and tried to pull herself together.

"Mommy's right here, sweet boy," she said. "Let's go home."


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

Olivia sat with her legs crossed, tapping her fingers against the arm of the chair in Dr. Lindstrom's office. She had only been back at work for half a day before she realized that she was not in a good head space and called for an appointment, but the doctor had been out of town. Ten days later, she found herself across from him in his office, but she suddenly didn't know where to begin.

"Olivia, did something happen with Noah?"

"Oh, no," she said quickly, giving the doctor a large smile. "He's just…great. Said 'Ma' for the first time a couple days ago."

"That's wonderful, Olivia. You deserve that."

Olivia smiled and ducked her head. She took a deep breath and started to talk. "Ed Tucker, you know, I've mentioned him before."

Nodding, Dr. Lindstrom shifted a bit. "How is that going?"

"It's going okay. More than okay, actually," she paused and took a breath, the smile on her face turning into a frown. "Or…it was. I mean, technically it still is."

"Can you…explain a little more?" The doctor was trying to follow her rambling, but so far he couldn't tell what was going on.

"His ex-wife was killed last week."

"Wow," Dr. Lindstrom breathed out.

Olivia went on to explain what happened and how Ed had immediately gone out to California. She talked about how she finally decided to just join them and described what all had happened since then, including Ed taking the month of leave and her departure back to New York. By the end of her recap, tears were dripped down her face.

"Sorry," she mumbled, reaching for the box of tissues. "It was so hard to leave him there, not knowing what was next. And it's been…over a week. I tried to dive into my work but…"

"Don't apologize, Olivia," Dr. Lindstrom said softly, leaning forward to study her face. "What about this has you the most upset?"

Olivia looked up at the ceiling, trying to control her tears and contemplate an answer. It took a few minutes before she shifted and looked over at the doctor.

"I just don't know what's next. Or how this will work. Where do I fit in the picture, especially if he stays in Los Angeles? How can I…be who he needs…if we are on different sides of the country? And if he comes back with traumatized kids, where do I fit there? Noah? Is Ed going to have time for me…and everything that comes with me?" Olivia shuddered as she spoke the last few words and reached for the box of tissues next to her chair. "I…I love him. This is the first time I've been…with…"

Olivia finally dissolved into tears, unable to finish her sentence. Dr. Lindstrom sat, studying her closely and taking in her words, but he didn't speak just yet. He wanted her to finish her sentence.

"First time you've been with…" he said softly once she had regained a little composure. She was still clutching a wad of tissues and her face was red and puffy, but her breathing had calmed and the tears had stopped for the moment.

"He's so…strong," she whispered. "He's never faltered with anything…"

Dr. Lindstrom knew exactly what Olivia meant, but he wanted to see if she would say it, so he remained silent, but she skirted around the deeper point.

"I've just never had someone who made me feel this safe."

"It sounds excruciating, Olivia," the doctor allowed. "But it doesn't sound like Ed is questioning your relationship. In fact, it seems just the opposite. He needed you out there. He agonized over staying in Los Angeles. But ultimately, to me, it seems like he trusts you…and your relationship…enough to think the two of you can withstand this storm."

Olivia forced a smile and sniffed a few times.

"What about his kids? They need him."

Lindstrom nodded. "They do," he allowed. "And they will for a long, long time. But my guess is Ed needs _you._ And perhaps those kids do too."

Olivia just nodded and dabbed at her eyes.

"Do you trust your relationship with Ed?"

"I do," she said softly, but her tone was firm. "For the first time…I do trust my relationship."

"Then ride it out, Olivia," Dr. Lindstrom advised. "Keep communicating. Ask what he needs. Send him pictures. Go for a weekend if you can. But ride it out with him. My guess is the two of you will come out on the other side even stronger than you are now."

"I hope so," Olivia responded softly. "I sure hope so."

* * *

"Hey dad," Nate said softly, padding out of one of the bedrooms in his pajama pants and a t-shirt. It was a little after four in the morning and Ed had been awake most of the night. He had finally given up on sleep and turned on the television. Seeing Nate come out bleary eyed caused a pang of guilt, as he didn't realize the sound was all that loud.

"Nate," he said, scratching his head. "Sorry I woke ya."

Nate grabbed a bottle of water and plopped onto the sofa next to his father. "You didn't," he explained. "Couldn't sleep."

"Emma still out?"

"She is. Finally caved and took one of those sleeping pills."

Ed let out a sigh, turned the volume down on the television, and leaned his head back so he was staring at the ceiling. "Been over two weeks…and I still don't know what the hell to do to help her," Ed admitted. "Or you, for that matter."

"Dad…" Nate said, propped his feet on the coffee table, resting his hands on his stomach, and turning his head to the side so he could see Ed. "You're doing it. You're here."

Ed just grunted, but reached out to squeeze Nate's shoulder.

"No really," he said. "Look, you can't change anything. You can't fix it. But you're here."

Ed turned his head to the side and finally caught Nate's eyes. "I'm always gonna be here."

Nate pressed his lips together in a firm line and stiffened his jaw. Ed almost had to laugh, as he looked like a younger version of the newly minted IAB Captain, but he was too concerned about the reasoning behind the look he was receiving. "You don't believe me?" he questioned, ready to be hurt by the admission, but he could also understand where it would come from. Nate's answer, however, surprised him.

"Of course I believe you, dad," he said softly. "I just…well, I just wonder…how long are we gonna do this?"

"Do what?"

"Dance around the fact that you live in New York. Olivia is in New York. And…well, we need to figure this out."

Ed gave his son a small smile, then sat up so they could really talk. "I don't wanna rush Emma. Or you."

"But you want to move her back to New York," he replied, cocking his head to the side and waiting for confirmation.

Ed twisted his lips a little bit and rung his hands together. "I do," he finally said, quietly but honestly. "I'm not going to make her. But I do want to go back to New York."

The father-son duo let Ed's admission sink in for a few minutes, diverting their gazes back to the television and pretending to pay attention to the late night replay of the Mets-Dodgers game. The last week had been a blur for Ed. His sleep was minimal at best, and he would lie awake most nights worrying about his kids. How strong Nate was being and how quiet Emma remained, as well as worrying about and missing Olivia. They talked every day, often twice, but each time they hung up he could hear a hint of trepidation in her tone. He knew she understood, and that she was supporting any decision he made, but he also knew that didn't necessarily mean she wasn't struggling with the situation.

Their most recent conversation focused on Ed's continual frustration and worry that Emma seemed too quiet, almost as if she was walking on eggshells. Nate had always been easier for him to crack open. He was trying to be strong and hold himself together, but despite that Nate would still open up with Ed, expressing his emotions at times and helping make decisions to keep everyone going. Ed was able to relate to his son more easily than his daughter. It was Olivia, however, that pointed out the fact that this two week span they had been together was potentially the longest he had his daughter with him, solely in his care, since the divorce. Ed regularly had his kids for weekends while they all lived in New York. He would take them on vacations, but those never lasted more than a week and were often shorter due to his job. Couple that history with the present situation, Ed suddenly found himself at a near loss. Sure his relationship with Emma had always been harder, more reserved than his with Nate, but they always had fun together. She would laugh, pick on him, all the things one would expect a daughter to do with her father. That just wasn't the current case. And while Ed understood, he was also worried and feeling a little helpless with Emma.

"Ya know," Nate said, startling Ed out of his thoughts, "I always kinda thought you intimidated Emma a little bit…"

Ed tensed slightly and raised his eyebrows at his son, the revelation feeling like a gut punch.

"I intimidate her?"

"Not…like in an awful way," Nate explained, trying to back track but still get his point across. "She's never been scared of you. I think she just always gravitated towards mom and enjoyed being with you, but could never figure out how to just relax."

Ed hung on to every word Nate spoke, hoping to finally get some insight as to how his daughter viewed their relationship and also potentially figuring out how to reach her.

"It's just gonna take some time," Nate shrugged. "That's all I meant to say. It probably came out wrong…"

"No," Ed said quickly, never wanting his kids to regret talking to him. "I get what you're saying."

Nate chewed his lip a bit before offering one more thought. "I can't help but think Olivia is just…well…she seems incredible. And would probably be good to have around…"

Ed gave Nate a small smile, understanding his double meaning. It would be good for Emma, yes, but also very good for Ed.

"Maybe if I offer to transfer back east, maybe Brown or Columbia, Emma would warm up to the idea of moving?"

Shaking his head, Ed grasped Nate's hand. "I don't want you changing things up, son," he said sincerely. "If you want to transfer because it's what you want, then I'll help you figure it out. But if you're wanting to transfer because it may help me…well…I can handle this."

"I just…" Nate said, his voice catching and revealing a few potential tears. "I just want everything to be okay."

"That's my job," Ed said reassuringly. "I'm gonna make sure it's okay. For Emma _and_ for you. Transfer if that's what you want if we end up back in New York, but do it for you."

"Staying here…Emma staying here. It just doesn't make sense."

Ed let out a sigh. He had two paralyzing fears at the moment. One was somehow losing Olivia if he didn't get his family back to New York in a reasonable amount of time. But the other one was causing his daughter even more pain, and possibly causing her to resent him, by forcing her to move back east.

"I know," Ed whispered. "But I just can't…I cannot handle the idea of her hating me…"

Nate looked over at Ed with tears in his eyes and shook his head. "She'll never hate you. We'll never hate you. You're all we have, Dad."

Squeezing his shoulder, Ed tugged Nate over and kissed the side of his head.

"Call Olivia," Nate encouraged. "I bet she'll know what to do."

"I bet you're right, son."

* * *

Olivia had just finished cleaning Noah up from his breakfast when her phone rang. Assuming it was work, she groaned and moved to pick it up, surprised to see a FaceTime request from Ed. She smiled and answered.

"Good morning," she said. "Early out there for ya."

Ed's eyes lit up and his lips curved upwards. "Never too early to see you."

Laughing, Olivia rolled her eyes. "Nice line, Tucker," she said, moving around the counter. "Noah, say hi to Ed!"

Noah smiled and waved both hands, desperately trying to get out of his high chair and grab the phone.

"Hang on Ed. Let me get us settled." Olivia paused the video call, hoisted Noah onto her hip, and quickly moved them over to the couch. Noah was on her lap still trying to grab the phone when she un-paused and Ed's smiling face filled up her screen once again.

"Oh-kay," she said, bouncing Noah a bit and pressing their cheeks against each other as they conversed with Ed. "Much better."

They spent the next ten minutes catching up on little things. Ed would still try to get Noah to say his name, and he'd just babble and grin. It was almost as if he was teasing him. Eventually Noah climbed off of his mother's lap and moved over to his toy box. Olivia watched him for a bit, making sure he was okay, then settled her gaze back on Ed.

"You look exhausted," she said softly, her mouth contorting into a slight frown.

Ed rubbed his face. "Not sleeping a lot," he admitted. "Missing you."

"I miss you too," she whispered. "How…how are things?"

Sighing, Ed just shook his head. "I dunno what to do here, Liv," he finally admitted. "Emma's not saying much. She just…goes through the day slowly. Nate is trying to be too strong, but is also for the relocation."

Olivia gave him a sad smile. "You know that I desperately want you back here," she said, her voice cracking. "Has Emma given any indication that she would be okay with it?"

Ed looked down and stayed quiet for a bit.

"Ed?"

"I haven't really mentioned it."

Olivia pressed her lips into a straight line and nodded. It would be a lie for her to say it was okay, that she understood. Because while she was trying to understand, she couldn't quite figure out why Ed was so hesitant to even begin the conversation. The pit in her stomach grew larger, as she was beginning to think he was convincing himself to stay out in Los Angeles. But then Ed surprised her.

"How can I bring it up?" His tone was pleading, as were his eyes as he looked at her through the screen. "What do I say? How can I make sure she won't…hate me? That I won't push her away?"

"Oh sweetheart," Olivia cooed. "She's not going to hate you. Honey, she's scared. She doesn't know what she wants. Talk to her. Be honest with her. She might surprise you."

"And if she doesn't?"

Olivia tried not to let her fear show over the phone, but Ed caught a glimpse. "If she doesn't, then we'll figure it out. Okay? Don't…let's not go there just yet."

Ed gave her a small smile and tried to move closer to the screen, as if that would somehow make her closer to him. "Liv, I love you."

"I love you too, Ed. It's…this'll work itself out. I hope."

Ed was getting ready to reply, but Olivia saw him fidget and turn around. Soon after, Nate appeared on the screen.

"Hi Olivia."

"Hi Nate," she said. "You Tucker men are early risers…"

Noah looked up at the sound of Nate's voice and scrambled over to the phone. He gave Nate a large grin and jabbed the phone with his fingers.

"Na!"

Olivia's jaw dropped and a smile formed on her face.

"Na!"

Nate just grinned. "Hey, No. How's it going?"

Noah babbled on, as if he was answering the question, but Ed and Olivia locked eyes while the younger boys chatted in the background. She could see the amusement in his eyes that Noah said Nate's name, but also a hint of disappointment.

"Soon," Olivia said softly. "He'll say it soon."

They stayed on the phone for a few more minutes before Olivia reluctantly took the phone from Noah and pulled him into her lap.

"Okay, sweet boy, Mommy has to get ready for work. Say bye bye to Ed and Nate."

"Bye bye!" Noah waved and Olivia helped him blow kisses into the phone. She gave Ed a smile and started into his eyes for a few moments.

"I'll talk to you later, Ed."

"Definitely. Have a good day, Liv. Be careful."

The phone call ended and Olivia allowed herself to fall back against the couch cushions. Her mind was about to move into more worrisome thoughts when Noah twisted his body so he was facing her and poked around at her face.

"Ma," he whispered, placing a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

Olivia took a deep breath and stood up, hugging Noah tightly to her chest. "Come on, sweet Noah. Let's get moving."

* * *

Emma stumbled bleary eyed into the living room of the suite. She moved to the coffee maker Ed had purchased and poured herself a cup, adding vanilla creamer and sat on the couch next to Ed.

"Was that Olivia?"

Her voice was scratchy, but Ed sensed a bit of energy in her question.

"It was," he said. "Face Timed with her and Noah before they started their day."

"Oh," she responded, her face slightly disappointed. "I was hoping to say hi."

Ed turned to look at her. He felt like he couldn't get anything right with Emma. Most of his time was spent trying to tip-toe and not force Olivia and the idea of New York on her, but perhaps what he was doing was causing her to feel left out.

"We could call back? Or maybe later tonight?"

Emma just shrugged. "It's okay," she replied, letting out a yawn.

"Sleep okay?"

"Yeah," she said. "I don't like those pills though. Makes me feel all groggy and gross when I wake up."

Ed reached over tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. He took a deep breath and tried to venture into the feared territory. "Em, how are you doing?"

She just shrugged. "I don't know how to answer that," Emma whispered, still not making eye contact. She swirled her mug, watching the medium colored brown coffee churn around. "Am I supposed to?"

"There's no supposed to," Ed coached. "But I want you to tell me when you need something, or want something, or even just…feel like you want to say something."

"Are we moving back to New York?" Emma's voice was monotone, but she had finally looked up and made eye contact with Ed. He stared at her for a bit with his mouth slightly open, unsure how to answer. Emma's blue eyes looked tired, confused, hurt, but he also saw a hint of pleading, as if she just needed someone to make a decision. She needed stability.

Ed swallowed hard, took her coffee mug and placed it on the side table, before taking her hands and looking directly into her eyes. "I'd like to," he finally said. "It doesn't have to be right now," Ed quickly added, "but yes. It would be hard for me to stay out here."

"Because of Olivia?"

"Yes," he allowed. "But not just Olivia. My job. We don't have a place to live here. Lots of things."

Emma just nodded and bit her lip. Ed could tell she was contemplating the idea.

"It's not that I don't want to," she finally said softly. "I just…I don't know what I want anymore."

"Oh, sweetheart," Ed said moving closer and finally pulling her into his chest. "I know…it's okay. Take your time…"

He expected to feel her shoulders shake, to hear her cries and feel her tears, much like he had with Nate. But nothing came. She remained still in his arms. Ed kissed her head and looked up at the ceiling, trying to find the right words. It was seeming like the decision would need to be his. Eventually, Ed was going to have to decide what their little family was going to do for the year, and despite his desire to return to New York, that nagging fear of it not bring the right choice stayed in his brain. They stayed like that for a little while. Eventually Ed heard the shower water cut off, indicating Nate would be rejoining them soon.

Emma shifted and sat up a bit, staying right next to Ed but looking at him. "I just don't like not knowing what's happening. If you're waiting on me, you'll be waiting a while. I can't even figure out whether or not to shower right now. So…can you just decide what we should do and tell me? Please? Just figure it out?"

Ed pulled his daughter back into his arms and he held her tightly. "Okay," he whispered into her hair, the weight of the decision falling more heavily onto his shoulders. Not willing to tell her right that moment that they would move back to New York, he decided to reassure her, talk to Olivia, and find the right words later. "Okay. I'll figure it out. I promise. Give me the day, okay?"

"Okay," Emma whispered, her body growing heavy against Ed's chest. It wasn't long before she had fallen back asleep. Ed adjusted so he was a bit more comfortable and settled into the couch, ready to stay there as long as Emma needed him.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

"Knock knock," Olivia said softly as she stood in the doorway to Emma's bedroom. The seventeen year old was sitting on her bed, surrounded by several boxes and a couple of large black trash bags, clutching a worn, tan bear with enormously plush paws. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," Emma responded quietly, giving a little shrug but not bothering to look up from where she was staring at the floor.

Olivia slowly made her way inside, careful of the things strewn about the floor, and sat down on the bed leaving a decent amount of space between herself and Emma. "Do you need any help?"

Emma made a little sound and shrugged, remaining still. Olivia eyed her carefully.

"Or…maybe you want a break? We can go get a coffee or a smoothie? Or I could even finish this for you? Whatever you want."

Still nothing.

Not quite willing to give up, Olivia resorted to sitting next to Emma and imitating her silence.

Once Ed had informed Olivia the previous weekend that his plan was to eventually relocate Emma back to New York, she had been operating with tremendous relief. Her entire being was lighter. Though she was still riddled with questions and concerns about how everything was going to work out, those questions were at least asked in the context of Ed being in the same city as her and Noah.

Ed, however, remained overwhelmed, particularly with the task of getting the kids to pack up their belongings in a house they didn't want to return to, and get it on the market. Olivia graciously offered to fly out the following weekend to try and help, suggesting that at the very least, her and Ed could do the packing and the kids could stay away from the house if they wanted.

Unclear if this was an appropriate time to bring Noah, Olivia fretted about what to do with her son. Lucy was able to stay with him Friday night and all day Sunday, but Olivia needed a plan for Saturday through Sunday morning. Still on edge with Rollins and feeling like Fin was not quite ready for overnight babbitting, she finally reached out to John Munch. Munch had relocated to a small house in the middle of nowhere Maryland, but he stayed in regular touch with Olivia and had yet to meet Noah. Jumping at the chance to begin to teach Noah how to question life, he quickly booked a train and assured Olivia he could handle child care for the entire weekend. Knowing that Lucy was a quick phone call away, Olivia felt comfortable with that plan and booked her flight. Now as she sat on the bed next to a silent Emma Tucker, Olivia almost found herself smiling as she thought about what her son was up to with her perpetually paranoid, but good friend. A soft mumbling from next to her brought Olivia out of her thoughts.

"What was that, Emma?" Olivia used her softest tone, one she typically reserved for Noah, in an attempt to get Emma to loosen up a little bit with her.

"I don't know what I want to keep," she whispered only slightly louder than before, but this time Olivia heard her.

"Well, it's up to you," she said, looking around the room. "But if you're having trouble deciding, we can always pack most things up and keep them in storage for a bit until you're ready to go through it all."

Emma finally looked up and over at Olivia, offering her a tiny smile. "That's a good idea," she said, her face brightening slightly. "It's a lot to try and go through everything right now."

"Then we won't," Olivia replied, placing her hands on her thighs and standing up. "How about we first focus on things you definitely don't want."

"Okay," Emma said, standing up slowly and looking around.

"Then everything else, we'll have the movers pack up for you and we can get it to New York and into storage for whenever you want to deal with it."

Emma began to rummage through her room, tossing things over to Olivia who filled the trash bags. Forty-five minutes later, Emma had a few piles of things waiting to be packed and was back to staring blankly, this time at her nightstand. Olivia noticed her stance and came up softly next to her, following her line of sight.

"That's a good photo," she said, noticing that Emma was staring at a framed photo of her and her mother. It was a regular sized, landscape print of Emma and Suzanne sitting side by side, staring over the Grand Canyon, taken from behind them. Suzanne had her arm around Emma's shoulders and their heads rested against each others.

Emma nodded, biting her lip. "Yeah," she finally said, voice shaking slightly. "When we first moved out here, she was trying to make it up to me. Nate had gone to some kind of debate retreat, so Mom took me on a week long road trip. Went to a few parks. But the Grand Canyon…it was my favorite."

"That sounds like a good trip, Emma," Olivia said.

"It was the best. That's been my favorite picture ever since then."

Olivia smiled sadly over at the image and felt her hear break all over again for Ed's children. Shaking it off for the moment, she moved over to the nightstand and gingerly picked it up. "How about we wrap this in some bubble wrap, and keep it with us so the mover's won't accidentally break it. You can keep it with you at the hotel, or I can carry it back to New York with me."

Emma wiped a rogue tear from her cheek and nodded. "Yeah that's good, Olivia," she said softly. "Thank you."

"Of course. Now. You want to take a break?"

Emma just nodded. Olivia reached out slowly and grasped her arm. "Come on," she coaxed. "Let's go find your dad and your brother."

Not saying another word, Emma allowed Olivia to lead her out of her bedroom, down the stairs, and out the back door of the house. As they descended the porch stairs and headed to the gate, Emma stopped, causing Olivia to turn around.

"Actually, do you think you could take me to Amanda's?" Emma's voice was steady and calm but her body language said otherwise as she wrapped her arms around her waist.

Olivia just nodded. "Of course," she said. "I'll text your dad the plan and we'll head over."

"Thanks," Emma whispered, moving past Olivia and towards the gate. Olivia watched her go and let out a deep sigh before pulling out her phone and texting Ed.

* * *

Ed pulled out his key card, waved it in front of the door, and stumbled into the hotel suite exhausted from the day. As soon as he entered, however, his energy shifted. Olivia was curled up on the sofa sound asleep with the Food Network channel playing softly in the background. He quietly moved into the bedroom and swapped his jeans for navy sweats and a white undershirt. He scrubbed his face, brushed his teeth, and finally padded his way back to Olivia, carefully sitting next to her and placing her feet in his lap. Torn between wanting to wake her up and wanting to watch her sleep, he softly rubbed her feet and mindlessly flipped through the hotel's limited channel options. On his second time through the lineup, Olivia let out a moan and turned over onto her back, giving Ed a sleepy smile.

"Hey you," she said, her voice still groggy and sleepy.

Ed flipped the television off and pressed his thumbs a bit harder into the sole of her foot.

"God that feels good," she said, stretching out and letting him continue his work. "How was your day?"

"Got the house listed, finally got Nate access to most of the assets she had, then did some packing back at the house," he reported as he finished rubbing her feet and began to gently caress her ankles. "We musta just missed you…"

"Mmmmm," she moaned. "Yeah, we left a little after three and I took Emma over to Amanda's. Then I came back here."

"How was she?"

"Quiet," Olivia reported, stretching her legs more so Ed could potentially caress higher up her calf. He did not disappoint and starting running his hands from her ankles up to her knees as she continued talking. "Told her we'd take anything she was unsure about back to New York with us, and she could sort through it when she's ready."

"She say anything else?"

"Not really. I didn't want to push. She's still pretty hesitant around me."

Ed stopped his hands at Olivia's knees and lightly tickled the skin on the back of the joint. "I'm worried about her," he sighed. "I'm really worried about her."

"I know you are," Olivia said, reaching her hand out to stroke his face. She sat up slightly, causing him to stop caressing and gripped her leg just above her knee. "I am too."

Ed leaned over and kissed her lips. "Do we…well…can we spend a little time not worried about anything?" He asked the question hesitantly, but it was sincere. Almost as if he felt guilty instigating intimacy with his girlfriend given everything that was happening.

"I think it's healthy to spend a little time not worrying and taking care of yourself," Olivia said, rearranging herself so she was straddling his waist. She cupped his face and stared into his eyes. "How long do we have, Captain?"

Ed groaned as she rocked her hips into his, but checked his watch. "About two hours…think that's enough?"

Olivia smirked and kissed at his neck. "It'll never be enough," she whispered. "But it'll have to do."

Ed and Olivia made quick work of their clothes and at the last minute decided a hotel living room tryst was not what they wanted. Ed gathered their garments and Olivia drug him into the bedroom where he tossed the clothes onto the floor and fell on top of her on the bed. She squirmed a bit, getting comfortable as he settled his body on hers and began to kiss her deeply.

"Mmmmmmm," she moaned happily. She ran her hands up and down his sides, feeling his muscles twitch under her touch. Ed moved his lips down her jaw, taking his time to kiss every millimeter of her neck. "Ed…"

"I love you," he rasped, his mouth moving lower and his movements picking up speed. "I love you. I wanna…I wanna kiss you all night. But…I need you…"

"I'm right here," she said, adjusting her hips and pulling his head back up to her face. "Make love to me, Ed. I'm right here…"

"Liv," he groaned, positioning himself between her legs. Olivia let out a whimper as he entered her just a little bit before he stopped and stared down at her. "_Liv_…"

His voice was desperate and all Olivia could do was encourage him. "Take me, Ed. I want you…I want you right now."

That was all Ed needed to hear. He spent the next twenty minutes making love to Olivia, gently at first, before becoming a bit more frenzied and hard. Every sound he heard from her proved that she was enjoying herself as she begged for more of him. He had just held Olivia through her second orgasm before he cried out loudly and spilled into her, collapsing and burying his face in her neck. Olivia ran her hands lightly up and down his spine as they fought to catch their breath. Content to stay right there and hold him, Olivia locked her ankles with his and closed her eyes, but after a few moments she felt his body tremble and tried to strain her neck to see his face.

"Ed?"

Trying to remain buried in her neck as to hide his tears, Ed held Olivia tighter but she eventually won and sat them both up against the headboard. She clutched his face and wiped his tears with her thumbs.

"Oh, Ed…"

"Sorry," he rasped, taking a few deep and calming breaths as his tears dried up. "I just…I love you. And there was just this…rush of emotion just then. It was a little overwhelming."

"It's okay, baby," Olivia cooed, not taking her eyes off of his. "There's so much happening. It's okay."

Ed pulled Olivia into his chest, allowing her body to rest against his as he kissed her hair. They laid there for a while before Ed took a deep breath and began to speak. "I keep wanting to ask them…both of them…more about Chris. Nate mentioned he had never noticed a drinking problem. But had Emma? Is that why she was hesitant?"

"Maybe," Olivia said slowly. "I got the feeling she was hesitant because of what he did to your marriage, though."

"He was my partner," Ed said, the emotion evident in his voice. "He was my _partner_. How could he…how did he do this? He could've killed my daughter, Olivia. Emma was…inches…from those bullets."

Olivia wrapped her arms tighter around his torso, encouraging him to keep talking.

"It wasn't enough that he ripped apart my family," Ed said, his voice dropping as he continued. "He had to traumatize them. I just don't get it. How did I miss the signs? I should've paid more attention when Emma mentioned not liking him."

"Ed, don't do this…"

"I should've questioned Suzanne over Christmas," he continued. "It's so…easy…to be traumatized on our job and turn to drinking or other unhealthy things."

"It is," Olivia allowed. "We unfortunately see it every day. Good cops, good people, who succumb to…whatever it is. But Ed, this is not your fault. You are…an incredible father. But _even you_ couldn't have prevented this. You can't blame yourself."

Ed moved his hand and buried in Olivia's hair, holding her more tightly to him. "Look what he's done to my kids. To us. To my…our…family."

Despite the pain of the situation, Olivia's heart soared when Ed changed "my" to "ours." However, with that admission, it deepened Olivia's resolve to be there for him and for his kids. To make sure they had unending support and love.

"Maybe in time we'll find out more information," Olivia said softly. "Once we have everyone settled back at home, we can do some digging."

"Yeah," Ed said. "I still…I keep wanting to ask Emma."

"She seems fragile right now…"

"I know," he said. "I'll only do it if there's a time that seems right."

"Hey," Olivia said, resting her chin on his chest and looking into his eyes. "You are…the best father. You know what's right for your kids. Talk to her when you want to talk to her."

"I can't wait for her to adjust…warm up a little around you," Ed whispered, a smile forming on his face. "She's gonna love you, Liv. Don't worry."

"I hope so," Olivia said softly. "I already love her."

Ed's eyes traced all over Olivia's face, followed quickly by his lips. He gently moved her onto her back and nipped at her earlobe. "Enough of this for now," he rasped. "We've got…a good forty-five minutes or so before a kid is supposed to return…"

* * *

The next morning Ed, Olivia, Nate, and Emma went over to the house one last time. They were still a few weeks away from the move but Ed was looking to get the house sold quickly and the real estate agent he had selected seemed to think it would. Olivia took it upon herself to give the kitchen a good scrub down, Ed made sure the walls and floors were in pristine showing condition, and the kids did one more thorough search of the property, including the basement, attic, garage, and bedrooms. Both kids were insistent that this would be the last time they wanted to go into the house, but Emma more so than Nate. She had soldiered through the packing, was fine to check everything out once more as long as she could avoid the kitchen area, and wanted to spend one last hour on the back porch, her coveted haven since they had moved in.

Overall it seemed Emma was content with the decision to move back to New York. Ed knew it wasn't going to be met with excitement, but given the events of the last month he wasn't expecting anything to be met with excitement. She was still quiet, but neither Ed nor Olivia got any sense of resentment or anger about the decision. Nate was still tossing around the idea of transferring from Stanford but hadn't even begun to look into it. Ed encouraged him to keep it as an option, but to try and let the dust settle before making any decisions.

"Stanford was your dream school," he had reasoned the night before as they chatted over a late dinner. "Why don't you ride this out for a bit and then we can see how you feel."

Nate received the advice well. Once he felt assured that Emma was okay with the move, with or without him, Nate was able to relax a little bit. His protective side was still evident in other ways, but Ed's attempt to take some of that burden from him seemed to be working.

After checking on Olivia, Ed fixed a couple glasses of lemonade and made his way through the french doors and out to the porch to join his daughter. She was sitting in a light blue, wooden swing and staring out over the backyard and the palm trees surrounding the property. In the far distance you could make out the tops of the mountain range, which seemed to run right into a band of fluffy white clouds. Ed took a seat in the adirondack chair just to the right of the swing, handed her a glass, and sat back to take in the view with her.

"Are we almost done?" Emma's voice was still not much more than a whisper, a tone that was becoming a temporary norm for her.

Ed took a sip of his lemonade and rested the glass on the arm of the chair, turning his head to study Emma's profile. She did not budge as she spoke.

"Yeah," he said. "Everything's in good shape. We could leave right now if you wanted?"

Emma just shrugged. She moved to set her glass on the glass table in front of her and tucked her feet under her. Hugging her knees and resting her chin on top of them made her look younger than seventeen to Ed. And she didn't just look younger, she looked lost.

"Emma…" Ed began, but quickly paused realizing he wasn't sure what to say. He took several deep breaths, trying to read the situation, but his detective skills weren't quite as spot-on when it came to his kids. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry I didn't notice anything was wrong," he finally said. As he spoke, he reached out to grab her hand. Emma squeezed back tightly, despite still refusing to look at him. "I know what can happen with cops sometimes. And I knew you didn't like Chris. I should've asked more questions. And I'm just…I'm so sorry I didn't."

"This isn't your fault," Emma said softly. "It's not like I knew he was capable of this either."

Ed saw an opening to question her a little bit, so to took it. "Did he have a regular drinking problem?"

"Not that I know of," Emma replied. "That…that night was the first time I've ever seen him like that."

"Had he ever gotten…angry before? Any sign he was violent?"

Emma shook her head. She seemed, at the moment, unbothered by the questions. Ed thought nothing of continuing slowly.

"I know you didn't care for him," Ed said cautiously, eyeing his daughter. "Was there a specific reason?"

"You mean other than the fact he broke up our family?"

Ed did a small double take at the sudden venom in Emma's voice, but recovered quickly. "Well, yeah," he said honestly.

"There was just…something about him," she said simply. "I had a weird feeling. But, he was always nice to me. To Nate. To Mom. But he was never consistent. He'd be around a lot for a short amount of time, then he'd sorta go radio silent. And I just…had this feeling…"

Her last words trailed off and Ed almost missed them. He watched as Emma swallowed hard and shook herself a bit.

"This wasn't your fault either, sweetheart," Ed said firmly.

Emma just shrugged.

"It wasn't."

"Did you find an Air BNB so we can stop living out of a hotel?" Emma asked, clearly done with the conversation.

Trying to recover from the abrupt change of subject, Ed just nodded. "I did. A little condo. Not near the beach, but a nice view of those mountains. Kept the hotel tonight. Then after Olivia leaves, we'll stay there until we head to New York."

"About Olivia," Emma began, but stopped as soft sound of footsteps signaled an their conversation. Ed turned and smiled as Olivia made her way out onto the porch. Her hair was back in a messy ponytail and she was in jean shorts and a yellow t-shirt. She looked completely casual and very west-coast-like as she padded around with her bare feet.

"Hey," she said softly. "Everything seems in order." She took inventory of the situation and felt a slight amount of tension. "Do you want a few minutes?"

"No," Emma said almost harshly. She stood up quickly, the swing rocking a little bit, and moved to put on her sandals.

"I'll get the glasses," Ed said, watching her with concern. She still wasn't making eye contact.

Emma just nodded and headed down the steps. "I'll meet you in the car."

Ed let out a sigh and Olivia came up to him, wrapping an arm around his waist. They both watched Emma quickly exit the backyard. Ed kissed her head and took in the smell of her shampoo. "I need to get her some counseling when we settle in New York," he finally said.

"I'll make some calls when I get back to the office tomorrow afternoon," Olivia offered.

Appreciating her offer, Ed remained silent for a little bit before responding. "Nah," he said. "Let me."

Olivia looked at him funny but shrugged and gave him a smile. "Whatever you want, Ed."

* * *

**_Reviewwwwwww_**


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

Olivia was buried in a case file she had read no less than four times, determined to find even a minuscule detail that could help her build a case, but she was coming up empty. She threw her glasses on her desk, stood up to make a coffee and pace a little bit, before she sat back down and once again started from the beginning. Their victim was a nineteen year old who was working as a grassroots political canvaser and taking evening classes at Hunter College. Casey had been assaulted by the candidate she was working for following a late night in the office. Olivia and her squad were determined to find evidence to make this stick and get this guy off of any political ticket, but his tracks had been covered and he had a lot of people blocking their way. Grasping at straws, Olivia picked up her office phone and dialed Barba.

"Hey," she said into the phone. "Listen…this Casey Ross case…I know, I know. Look, she's credible. You know she is….I know. Look, I just…yeah…tonight? Perfect. Thank you, Rafael."

She hung up the phone and bit her lip, debating whether to keep reading details that she had already engrained in her mind, or take a break until Barba came by her place later to brainstorm. Not one to let a case go easily, Olivia found herself buried back in the case file until her cell phone vibrated on her desk about an hour later.

"Hey, Ed," she breathed into the phone, his voice instantly soothing her anxious-ridden body. "How are you?"

"I'm in a little bit of a bind, Liv," he said, his voice sounding strained. Olivia immediately sat up a bit straighter.

"What's wrong?"

"The movers called, said they are set for delivery the day after tomorrow."

Ed had hired movers to take the things his kids had selected across the country and back to New York. This particular company had estimated a three-week trip, as they picked up and delivered other items along the way. Seems like they didn't have a lot of business this trip because they were arriving about ten days early.

"I can be there," Olivia said simply. "I still have a key. I can find some guys to help empty the bedrooms and get that stuff into a storage unit, and I'll be there for delivery."

"Liv, thank you…"

"Of course. This isn't an issue. Don't stress about it."

The couple was silent on the phone for a few seconds. It had been over a week since Olivia left Los Angeles. They tried to stay in regular communication, but Ed was pulled in several directions each day and Olivia's caseload had doubled since her return. She was beyond ready to have him back in the city. Olivia missed the sound of his voice, the feel of his touch, and the look in his eyes when they were together. Previously convinced she was destined to be alone, Olivia found herself falling further and further into Ed Tucker and she deeply missed him.

"Only a few more days," she said softly, shifting things around her desk while she held the phone to her ear and smiled at his response.

"Can't get here fast enough, sweetheart."

"I…I'm really missing you," she admitted reluctantly, knowing it would make him feel a little guilty. Olivia had tried to keep her anxiety and sorrow to herself over the last couple of months, but she couldn't help it in that moment. She wanted him to know how badly she missed him, and how happy she would be to have him back with her.

"Me too, Liv," he said. "These last few days are gonna crawl…"

"Hey," she said in a brighter voice. "I was thinking maybe I'd try to get Emma and Nate's room set up a little bit for them? Do you think they'd like that? Or would I be over-stepping?"

"Not sure Nate cares at all," Ed said simply. "And Emma is so…overwhelmed…ya have an idea of what she's wanting?"

"She mentioned a couple of colors when we were packing. Her room in LA was bright…and she said she wanted something calmer at your place."

"Liv, I trust you with anything and everything."

Olivia smiled at that statement. "Okay," she whispered.

"Just text her if you have questions. She seems a little more chatty the last couple of days."

"That's good to hear."

"I guess I better go…" Ed's tone was reluctant, but he had errands to run and Olivia needed to get back to work. "Talk to you tonight?"

"Of course," she said. "Anytime."

"Love you, Liv."

"Love you too."

Olivia dropped her cell onto her desk and immediately looked at her work calendar on the computer. Not seeing any pressing meetings, she began to shut things down, and sent a text to Barba.

"Change of plans," she typed, a small smile forming on her face.

* * *

"Oh-kay, sweet Noah," Olivia said, tugging Noah's foot after the snapped him into the shopping cart. She slowly began to weave them in and out of the aisles of the home store, speaking softly to him. "Let's see what we can find here."

"Whaddya think, Noah? Emma mentioned purple, gray…maybe white?"

"Ma!" Noah just smiled up at his mother, kicking his feet in the shopping cart. Olivia leaned down and kissed all over his cheeks, causing him to shriek, giggle, and grasp at the strands of hair that fell from her messy up-do. She pushed them into the bedding section and chewed her bottom lip as they looked around.

"Nate might be easier…" she mumbled.

"Na!" Noah once again squealed in excitement, hearing the name of one of his coveted friends.

"That's right! Nate, Emma and Ed will be back for good soon, sweet boy."

Olivia quickly found a light gray and red duvet cover and checked the fabric blend. Smiling to herself, she tossed the comforter and a couple of sham covers into the cart. "Nate really is easier…" she said to herself, steering her cart towards the more feminine designs. "What do you think about simple, sweet boy? Maybe we can paint…"

"Pay," Noah said, intensely following his mothers motions and eyeing the different colors on the shelves. "Ma pay."

Olivia let out a laugh. "Mommy might paint. Or Mommy might pay someone else to paint…"

She found a couple of options and snapped pictures to send to Emma, seeing if she liked any of the options. She quickly responded in favor of an off-white duvet cover with multi-colored balls along the edges, with a question of how soft it was. Olivia opened the package and confirmed it was pretty soft. With that out of the way, Olivia made sure to find good quality comforter inserts for the duvets, selected good pillows, then wandered towards the decor section, almost giddy with excitement.

A few hours and credit card swipes later, Olivia and Noah were back at Ed's apartment with multiple bags in tow. The doorman, quite familiar with the duo, immediately got them a cart and helped them load everything out of the cab.

"Thank you," Olivia gushed.

"When does Captain Tucker return with the kids?" Ed had let the building management know of the movers arrival, and had explained the reasoning.

"End of the week," Olivia explained. "I want to make it…nice…for them."

The doorman smiled warming. "Captain's lucky to have you. Let us know if we can help."

Olivia blushed, muttered a thank you, plopped Noah into an open space on the cart, and wheeled them to the elevator. The little boy shrieked and giggled, held onto the brass pole and enjoyed the ride. Once inside of Ed's apartment, Olivia worked to get herself organized. Noah busied himself with a puzzle in the middle of the office while his mother took inventory of furniture and other items that would need to be moved. Before she knew it, her phone was buzzing signaling the arrival of Rafael Barba.

Holding the door open, Olivia burst into laughter. Barba, carrying a large pizza box, was dressed in a blight blue polo, khaki shorts, tube socks, and tan loafers.

"What's so funny?" He asked, dumped the pizza box on the counter and looking around.

"You," Olivia said, trying to collect herself. "I told you to come in old, work-type clothes…"

"Well, this is as good as it gets. I don't do manual labor," Barca explained with an eye roll followed by a smirk. "Now can you please explain why I'm bringing a cheese pizza to Ed Tucker's apartment?"

Olivia shook her head and went to grab plates from Ed's cabinets. "Let's get Noah fed," she said. "I can fill you in while we eat. But then you're gonna tell me what I need to help Casey Ross…"

"Deal."

* * *

"This condo is so much better than the hotel," Nate said, propping his feet up on the balcony railing and watching the sun go down. "Not that the hotel was awful…"

Ed chuckled and let his son off the hook. "I know what you mean, kid," he said. "The hotel was tough. Not home-like."

"Hard to figure out what home is right now," Nate muttered.

"I know it'll be tough," Ed began, "moving to New York, then back to Stanford."

Nate clicked his tongue a few times before responding. "A lot of back and forth," he admitted. "To be honest, I hope Stanford begins to feel like home…"

Ed did his best to hide the tiny amount of hurt that statement caused, because he understood where Nate was coming from. It made sense to want the place where he will be spending the most time to feel like home, but Ed had waited a long time for his kids to be able to call his place, with him, home. Despite it coming about in a tragic and traumatizing way, Ed was looking forward to having his kids all to himself. But the reality was that he wouldn't. They were older and weren't really kids anymore. His home would be Nate's second, almost vacation home, and Emma was going to be a senior in high school. Ed shoved all of that uncertainty and disappointment aside.

"It may," he finally said. "But, son, you'll always have a home with me. Okay? Don't you ever forget that. Wherever I am, you have a home."

Nate picked at the fabric on his shorts but didn't respond. The two men sat in silence before the sound of the sliding glass door filled the air.

"Hey, Emma," Ed said, scouting over from where he sat on the two seater sofa. "Come sit with us."

Wearing an oversized sweatshirt, shorts Ed could barely see, and her hair up in a messy bun, Emma semi stumbled over the the sofa and collapsed next to her dad.

"Ya okay?"

"Yeah, just tired," she said, sighing before getting a tiny Ed-like smirk on her face. "Was talking to your girlfriend," she teased, elbowing Ed as he blushed slightly and pretended to be unaffected.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," she said. "Just…wanted to thank her, ya know, for getting all that stuff."

"She wanted to," Ed said softly, shrugging as he spoke. This kind of action did not surprise him from Olivia. But he was pleasantly surprised to hear how receptive Emma was of the idea. She seemed to teeter back and forth between open and tense when it came to Olivia's presence.

"We talked paint colors."

"She's not painting, right?" Ed asked, his face scrunched up. He loved his girlfriend, but had a hard time thinking she would be an expert painter.

"No," Emma said, chuckling softly. "Her friend…Rafael? I think that's his name? He convinced her to hire someone."

Ed just nodded. Olivia had told him she was bringing Barba over, so they could discuss a case while she worked. He was nervous at first, as Barba still didn't "officially" know their relationship status, but Olivia had brushed it off, claiming it would be fine. Brushing off his anxiety about that particular situation, he focused back on his daughter.

"Ya decide on a color?"

"No. She said we could do that together once we get home."

Ed's heart swelled and he shared a quick glance with Nate. Hearing Emma call New York "home" lifted his spirits a bit and gave him hope that this would eventually settle down and work out. The trio heard the buzzing of a cell phone and Ed and Nate simultaneously reached for their phones.

"It's me," Nate said, swiping and answering. Ed watched as he made a quick exit and back into the condo before turning back to the dusky sky and propping his feet up on the coffee table. Emma fidgeted slightly, playing with her fingers and chewing her lip.

"What is it, Em?" Ed asked.

"Oh, nothing," she said with a shrug. "I guess I'm just curious how all of this is gonna work."

Ed looked at her curiously. "What do you mean?"

"Like, where am I gonna go to school? I had friends there a few years back, but it's not like we stayed in touch. I think I remember how to get around? And you work crazy hours…"

Letting her words sink in, Ed put an arm around Emma's shoulder and gave it a squeeze as he sensed she was not done.

"How often do you stay with Olivia? Do you go there? Does she stay with you?"

"Ah, I, uh, usually go there, ya know, Noah," Ed stammered, unsure how to have this conversation with his daughter. He looked over at her face. She didn't seem upset or defensive, just unsure of what was ahead, so honesty was the best route. "A couple nights a week? Depends on work..for her and for me…"

"Oh," Emma responded. "So not like, all the time?"

"No. She works crazier hours than I do. Goes through spurts where she barely gets time with Noah. So there are times when we are barely able to grab a post-work drink during a week. It's…uh…"

"Unpredictable?"

"I wouldn't say that," Ed responded thoughtfully as he searched for the right words. "It just gets…difficult…sometimes. But, Emma," he said, turning his body so he faced her slightly, "you're not just gonna be on your own once we get there. It'll be tough at first, I'm sure, but I am gonna make this work."

Emma let out a tiny sigh and laid her head on Ed's shoulders. He immediately moved to kiss her head and pull her a bit closer.

"I don't wanna be in the way," she whispered. "Or, maybe it's more…I don't wanna _feel _like I'm in the way?"

The words felt like a gut punch to Ed. Had he and Olivia inadvertently given Emma this impression? Or Nate? She must have read his mind.

"It's not like I feel like that right now," Emma said quickly. "Or, well, I don't feel like that a lot. I'm just…nervous…about how this works."

"I am too," Ed finally admitted. "It's gonna be an adjustment for you. For Nate. For me. I don't know how it's gonna work either. How I'll balance it all and make sure you kids have everything you need. Wondering how much time I'll be able to spend with Liv."

For some reason, Ed admitting that he, too, was nervous seemed to help ease Emma's worry a tiny bit.

"We will all figure it out," she finally said, matter-of-factly. "We will."

* * *

"Ed, are you sure?" Olivia asked him for the fourth time, holding the phone between her ear and her shoulder as she put the finishing touches on a cupcake display and flower arrangement on Ed's kitchen countertop. She had spent most of the morning cleaning and arranging various pieces of furniture and decor in the kids' rooms. Noah would occasionally "help" by bringing something over, or dumping his toys in the middle of the floor, but they got it done. She even had time to run out and grab some sweets and flowers as a tiny welcome home. Olivia planned it all just perfectly and planned to be out of the apartment before the Tucker trio were even close, but Ed seemed insistent that she stay and welcome them back.

"I'm sure, Liv," he said. "The kids will be happy to see Noah. And I'm ready to see you."

"I wanna see you too, sweetheart, but I don't want to…intrude."

"You're not. Hang tight. My app says about fifteen more minutes. I'll share the trip status…"

Olivia sat on the edge of a couch cushion and wrung her hands. She felt nervous all of a sudden and a little uncomfortable, but Ed's tone sounded almost desperate. So she stayed. Noah continued to stack blocks and say little words. Her phone pinged, signaling the trip had completed so the Tuckers would be there any second.

"Noah," Olivia cooed, trying to get his attention and neatly put the toys back in his designated basket. "Ed is almost here! And Nate and Emma!"

His little head snapped towards the door as he heard the lock jiggle and he scrambled to get up. Nate and Emma appeared first, looking tired and travel weary, but Noah paid them little attention. As soon as Ed stepped into the apartment, the little boy shrieked and ran faster, his arms outstretched.

"Ed!" He yelled, causing Tucker's jaw to drop, as he swept Noah up into his arms. He tossed him in the air a couple of times before hugging him close. Noah rested his head on Ed's shoulders and fisted his t-shirt. "Ed," he said plainly, almost possessively, making sure his displeasure at the long separation was known.

Olivia felt her heart crack a little bit at the scene, watching Noah and Ed reunite while the older kids looked on. Nate had a small smile on his face as he looked around the room. Emma shifted from foot to foot and chewed her bottom lip, which seemed to be her new habit. Unable to tell whether she was okay or not, Olivia slowly made her way to the group and ushered them into the apartment. She was ready to have her own time in Ed's arms, but decided their reunion could wait a few more minutes while they got the kids, all three of them, somewhat settled.

"No sense in staying in the foyer," she said, helping Nate put their suitcases against the wall for the time being. "Noah and I picked up some treats for you, in case the flight left you wanting sugar. And we can be out of your hair…"

"Cuh-cay!" Noah exclaimed, pointing towards the three-tiered tray of both chocolate and vanilla iced cupcakes. "Cuh-cay, Ed"

"Well, let's get you set up, little man," Ed said, moving to give Olivia a quick kiss. She rubbed his back and smiled softly at him, offering to take Noah, but Ed shook his head and carried the little boy into the kitchen. Nate excused himself to the bathroom at that point, wanting to wash up from the trip, but Emma hadn't budged. Jokingly feeling slighted by Ed and Noah's reunion, Olivia made her way over to Emma instead.

"How are you?"

Emma just shrugged. "I'm okay, I think. Sorta just feels like a trip for now."

"That makes sense," Olivia said in a near whisper. "It may take a while."

Nodding, Emma turned to look up at the older woman. "Can I go see my room?"

"Of course," Olivia exclaimed, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and leading her down the hall. "I put a few paint splotches on the wall. You can decide what shade you want when you're ready…"

Emma turned the light on and slowly made her way into the room. It was the bigger of the two, given she would be permanently with Ed and Nate would be returning to college. It had a large, double window to the left of the door. On the opposite side was a medium sized closet that Olivia had cleaned out and added a few shelves for organization. Her white, iron bed frame was put together and set up with her night stand on one side and a new, light blue lamp rested there. She turned around, taking in the scene, noticing an oversized beanbag in the corner by the window and a new bookcase.

Smiling, her fingers traced the different shades of purple, most of them a pale lavender hue, and finally turned to face Olivia.

"I love it," she whispered.

Olivia's smile grew wide. "You do?"

Emma nodded and took another spin to look around the room. "It's…perfect," she said. "Well, almost," she said, darting from the room. Olivia watched her, afraid the young girl was upset but quickly realized that wasn't the case. Emma came back down the hall and into her room, carrying her backpack that had been used for her carry-on. Olivia followed her movements as she tossed the bag onto her bed and rummaged around in it.

"There it is," Emma muttered, pulling out a small, bubble wrapped item. Olivia felt tears spring to her eyes as Emma carefully unwrapped the picture of her and her mother that the duo had found when they were cleaning out her Los Angeles bedroom. Emma held it carefully, dusting it off, and placing on her new nightstand. "Now it's perfect," she whispered, backing up slightly and accidentally bumping into Olivia. Instead of flinching and pulling away, like Olivia expected, Emma allowed her to wrap her into a light embrace.

"Good," Olivia said softly into the girl's hair. "I'm glad."

"Thanks, Liv," Emma finally said, looking back up at her with wide, apprehensive, yet appreciative eyes.

"You're very welcome, Emma," she responded, kissing the side of her head and smiling when Emma once again did not pull away. "Come on," she said, moving them towards the door. "Let's get a cupcake."


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

Ed and Olivia watched the three kids from their perch on the kitchen barstools. His right hand gripped her left thigh firmly and Olivia occasionally let her head fall onto his shoulder. Olivia knew that she and Noah should leave soon and give the three Tuckers time to settle in. Noah had also missed his nap and she could tell that he would crash soon, but she wasn't quite ready to leave Ed. As wonderful as it felt to have him, and his kids, back in New York, she was still craving one on one time with him.

Correctly reading her mind, Ed gave her thigh a squeeze then took her hand and stood up. "You three okay out here for a couple minutes?" He looked pointedly at his two, and both Nate and Emma nodded with a smile.

"Yep," Nate said. "Take whatever time you need."

Ed nodded and tugged on Olivia's hand, leading her back down the hallway and into his room. He left the door open a crack, just in case anyone needed anything. As soon as he turned around, Olivia crashed into his chest and held him tightly around his waist. Ed closed his eyes, kissed the top of her head, and rubbed her back as he held her just as tightly. They embraced for a few minutes before Olivia reluctantly unburied her face from his chest and pulled back slightly so she could look up into his eyes.

"Hi," she whispered.

Ed gave her a soft smile and traced her cheek with his index finger. "Hey beautiful," he said softly. "I missed you."

Olivia gave him an almost shy smile. "I missed you too," she responded. "I know it was only a few weeks but…"

"Seemed longer with the distance," Ed finished for her. "And, even when I got to see ya out there…it wasn't the same."

"No, it wasn't," Olivia agreed. She moved her hands from his lower back to his chest and massaged lightly. "I know we have to leave soon," she finally said. "But I don't want to. Not yet."

Ed just nodded and cupped her face. He leaned down and brushed her lips with his, nuzzling her a bit before pressing their lips together again for a deeper kiss. Olivia gripped his t-shirt as he slowly backed her against the wall, making sure their bodies pressed against each other as much as they could.

Olivia let out a soft gasp as they parted, finally needing air, and licked her lips as she eyed Ed. "I missed that too," she said with a smirk, causing Ed to chuckle and reach a hand up to play with a strand of her hair.

"Soon, we'll settle into a new routine," he promised. "I don't know what it will look like, but it'll happen. Trust me."

"I do trust you," Olivia whispered, almost too softly.

Ed smiled and moved to kiss her once again, holding her face firmly in his hands and parting her lips with his tongue. Giggling from out in the living room finally pried them apart. They both wiped their lips a bit and grinned sheepishly at each other.

"Ya know," Olivia said thoughtfully, allowing Ed to lead her over to his bed and they sat side by side at its foot, making sure they had an eye on the door. "I know I had said, before all of this, that I was all in. But…the last few months have made me realize just how far in this I am."

Ed, slightly stunned at her words, sat quietly and looked at her intently, hoping she would continue.

"It scares me a little," she admitted, staring at the floor, unable to meet his gaze. "Or a lot, really. But…I find myself wanting to just be in your presence. Noah just…loves you."

"I love him, too, Olivia," Ed finally said, reaching over to cup her face, forcing her to finally meet his eyes again. "And I love you. More and more with each passing second."

Olivia smiled, closed her eyes, and leaned her cheek into his hand.

"The way you've stood by me, and my kids, these last few months…"

Olivia popped her head up and looked at him with wide eyes. "I would have never let you do that alone."

"I know," Ed reassured her. "But…"

"I get it," she whispered. "And I know that things will be different. Hard, even…with this new transition. And I'm still all-in, Ed Tucker. I really am. But I'm just nervous that this will set us…as a couple…back a little bit." Olivia let out a scoff and a laugh. "God, that sounds so selfish of me, doesn't it…"

"No," Ed said firmly, cutting her off and kissing her lips. "You are not selfish, Olivia Benson. Not by a long shot. And…I feel the same. But I promise you we will figure this out."

For the next few minutes the couple sat at the foot of Ed's bed and stared into each other's eyes. Ed and Olivia firmly believed in each other, they loved each other, and right then and there they made a silent commitment to keep fighting to figure out how to make their relationship work, but there was still a nagging feeling in Olivia's gut that, despite their words and efforts, somehow this wasn't going to work the way she envisioned.

"I'm not gonna lose you, Liv," Ed said softly, kissing first her forehead, then her nose, each cheek, and finally her lips.

"Okay," she whispered, shoving her worries back down where they belonged. Olivia leaned in for another kiss, but the sound of little footsteps running down the hall gave her pause. "Think our alone time is up, Captain…"

Noah burst in the door, proudly holding up a structure he made with legos. Olivia cocked her head, unsure of what it was, but Ed seemed to get it.

"Ya make a dump truck, pal?" He asked, hoisting the little boy up onto the bed. Noah jabbered, some real words and some made up, as he animatedly explained to Ed what each piece was. Olivia stood and wrapped her arms around her waist as she looked on. She loved watching her son bond with Ed.

"I'm gonna gather our things up," she said softly. "You two…hang out for a bit. He missed his Ed."

Ed nodded, gave Olivia's hand a squeeze, and watched her walk out of his room and down the hallway before turning his attention back to a very alert Noah.

Olivia wandered down the hall and noticed Nate and Emma tossing Noah's toys into their designated basket. "You two don't have to do that," she said quickly, moving to help. "He's keyed up tonight. I'm sure he made a mess…"

"It's no problem," Emma said. "He's so much fun. I'm sure we didn't help him settle down."

Olivia smiled, happy to hear a somewhat cheery tone from the young girl, but could tell from the sunken look in her eyes that it was mostly a surface appearance. Nevertheless, she allowed herself to gloss over it for the moment. "He sure loves playing with you both. Thank you for indulging him."

Nate stood up and stretched. "As many times as I make that flight, it never feels any shorter," he exclaimed. "My body feels stiff."

"You need a long stretching session," Olivia commented. "And a good night's sleep."

Nate let out a chuckle. "What's that?"

Olivia smiled softly. "You're asking the wrong person," she ribbed.

Emma let out a sigh and allowed herself to collapse against the couch, not bothering to get up off the floor. She rested her head back on the cushion and closed her eyes. Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but Ed quietly came up behind her and kissed the back of her head, startling her slightly.

"Sorry," he whispered.

Olivia turned around and her heart melted. Noah had fallen asleep curled into Ed's chest, clutching his Lego creation. His little eyes were closed, his hair was sticking up in a few locations, and his mouth was parted slightly as he let out a few nasally breaths.

"Sweet boy," she murmured, reaching to take him but Ed shook his head.

"I got'em," he said. "Wanna grab your stuff? I'll walk ya home."

Olivia nodded and moved to get her bag and Noah's backpack. She gave Nate and Emma a quick hug, promised she would see them soon, and headed to the door.

"Will you two be okay for a couple minutes?" Ed asked sincerely, suddenly wondering if he should be leaving them on their own hours after their arrival. But Nate quickly reassured him.

"Yep," he said. "I think we'll unpack some."

Emma nodded and yawned. "Yeah," she said. "Hang out in my new room."

Olivia flashed her a smile from the foyer as she slipped on her sneakers.

"Just…don't be too long?" Emma's eyes were wide, but her face immediately hinted at some remorse for her comment.

"Half an hour," Ed promised. "Call if you need me before then."

* * *

A couple of weeks passed and Olivia found herself sitting in her office, rubbing her temples as she came to terms with a new case possibly involving Greg Yates. Her mind began to drift backwards in time, replaying the case from start to finish. Olivia had never admitted to anyone, including herself, how hard that case had been on her. So many correlations to her ordeal with William Lewis, but she was a seasoned detective and had seen it all, and then some. At that point in her career, she felt she was a master at separating her personal life and trauma from the job, but when cases hit especially close to home, it proved challenging. Somehow, the original case she was able to power through up until she got home after the trial was over and could let go. But now, in the present, with everything seemingly coming back up, Olivia was forced back to not only the original Yates ordeal and Nadia's unfortunate fate, but her own recurring trauma with Lewis.

Additionally, she now had Rollins going rogue which did nothing to help with her already growing distrust of the young detective. Deep down, Olivia understood Amanda. She could remember putting herself at risk, going against Cragen's orders and not telling anyone, in order to get justice. It was a drive that had never quite left her body, but she had wised up over the years and come to realize that sometimes what she had viewed as doing anything for the cause, was in fact just carelessness that could hurt the case. Olivia's problem was she didn't quite know how to reason with Amanda, partly because she didn't seem to want to hear it, but also because Olivia was frustrated and tired.

It had been a long slog for her, personally and professionally, for what felt like years. Right at the point that Olivia felt like things were settling, with Tucker, Noah and the job, everything seemingly fell apart again. As hard as she and Ed were trying, the last few weeks had proven excruciatingly difficult. Ed was dedicated to making sure he was with his kids, seeking out the right therapist, touring and interviewing high schools, both private and public, and getting to know their daily routines. Ed would lament to Olivia, most of the time on the phone as they had very little one on one time, that Emma was still quiet and didn't express much. Nate, on the other hand, had been more open with Ed, but was still placing himself in a protector and caretaker roll, which Ed wished he would leave to him.

Overall, Olivia was tired. She was tired, missing her boyfriend, worried about his kids, relying on Lucy more and more, missing bedtimes, struggling to keep her detectives in line, and was now facing the possibility that Greg Yates was somehow making a return to their lives in some way. As she had let her mind wander and wallow, her face had fallen into her hands. She was so out of it, in fact, that she didn't hear the knock on the door and was startled out of her thoughts when Carisi cleared his throat.

"Sarge," he said, clearly remorseful for startling her, but also concerned. "Ya alright?"

"Yeah," Olivia said almost too quickly. "I'm fine, just a little tired. Got anything for me?"

Carisi hesitated, but went ahead and updated Olivia on the findings, including a few more bits from Rollins. Not ready to send her back into the field, Olivia asked Carisi to give her a minute to figure out child care so she could tag along. Left alone again, Olivia bit her lip. Lucy needed to be relieved soon, and Olivia knew she couldn't get there in time if she joined Carisi. Guiltily, she dialed Ed.

"Hey Liv," he said, sounding short of breath.

"Ed, you okay?"

"Fine," he replied. "Darted out of a meeting to answer. Been a crazy day."

Olivia's heart sank.

"Ya need something?"

"Uh, well, I was gonna see if you could grab Noah," she explained quickly. "This Yates thing…"

Ed rubbed his face. He loathed that Greg Yates was back in Olivia's, and her squad's, mind, but he was slammed.

"Liv, I can't," he said, his voice full of regret. "There's no way I'm done before eight…"

Olivia sighed. "Okay," she said. "It's okay. I'll figure it out. I can just send Rollins out…"

"Hey," Ed said, almost as if he had an epiphany. "Lemme call Nate. The kids are home…I'm sure they won't mind."

"I don't wanna put this on them…" Olivia said, not sure if it felt appropriate to ask Ed's recently traumatized kids to keep her son so she could control an investigation. But apparently, Ed had already texted Nate.

"He responded with about twelve exclamation points," Ed said with a chuckle. "Let Lucy know they'll be over in about half an hour."

"Ed, are you sure this is okay?"

"Positive," he replied. "Plus…this means I may actually get to see you for five seconds."

Laughing, Olivia finally agreed and thanked him profusely. "I'll make this up to them."

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful. I love you."

"Love you too."

Olivia took a few seconds to breath before grabbing her things and hustling out the door.

* * *

Noah's eyes widened as he looked over the plethora of offerings at the movie theater concession stand. Excited at the opportunity to have Noah for the evening, Nate and Emma quickly decided to go see the latest Toy Story movie. Olivia gave them the okay and warned them Noah may not last, but they didn't seem to mind. Now in the middle of the action, Noah's senses were on overload.

"Ooooh!" He said, pointing to the popcorn machine where fresh kernels were exploding.

"Can he even have popcorn?" Emma whispered, whipping her phone out to google the appropriate age. "Hm, probably not," she concluded.

"They have pizza," Nate said. "Oh, how about pretzels?"

"Perfect," Emma said, moving to the counter and placing the order. Nate let Noah toddle around the lobby. He went up to every oversized movie poster and cardboard character cutout and scrutinized them. He eventually landed on the one of Buzz Lightyear and began to jump up and down.

"Buzz!" He said excitedly to Nate, pointing at the figure.

"Yep! That's Buzz. Ready to see him on the big screen?"

"Buzz! I see Buzz!"

"Sure do, pal," Nate said. He noticed Emma over at the counter with the concessions. "Come on, let's help Emma and get a seat." Nate held Noah's hand and went over, offering to take everything from Emma's overcrowded arms. However, when Emma went to pick up Noah, he fussed and kicked, reaching for Nate and sticking his bottom lip out. Unsure of what to do as Noah got more fussy, Nate finally put the food down and took Noah, who settled into his shoulder, and looked apologetically at Emma who was trying to cover up that the exchange bothered her.

"Oh well," she said, shrugging. "I'll just grab all of this and follow you."

The trio made their way into the theater and got settled. Once drinks and snacks were spread out along the extra large arm rests that functioned more as a table, they sat back and the commercials began. Noah, refusing to leave Nate's lap, reclined against his chest and gripped his fingers. Emma eyed them with a small, almost sad smile, before ripping a piece of pretzel and popping it into her mouth, settling into what was becoming a familiar feeling of being left out and alone, despite being surrounded by people.

* * *

Several hours later, Olivia slogged back into her office to drop a few things, grab her bags, and finally get to Ed's to pick up Noah. It was pushing midnight and she was ridden with guilt as to how long she had left Noah in their care. Ed had texted around nine saying he was home, and for her to take her time, but she still felt awful. Despite feeling awful, there had been no way for her to get back home. This case was getting worse and more complicated by the minute, and despite finally packing up to leave, Olivia was confident she would be called back in by the early morning.

She had just switched her lamp off when Barba strode quickly into her office. He looked less sharp than he usually did, his shirt partially untucked, no tie, and he had some scruff on his face.

"Hey," she breathed. "I was just heading out…"

"Yeah, listen" Rafael said, distracted and clearly not realizing she was itching to leave. "We need to talk."

Shoulders slumped, Olivia dropped her bags on the floor, closed the door, and followed Barba to sit on her sofa. "What is it?"

"Couple things," he said. His foot was bouncing up and down, again causing Olivia's eyebrows to raise in suspense. Perhaps Barba, too, was deeply affected by what was going on. "I need you to get a better grip on your detective."

Olivia snapped her head back a bit, not at what he said but the tone in which he said it.

"I'm doing my best," she said slowly, trying to catch Barba's eyes, "but you know as well as I do that sometimes they do what they want."

"Do you want her to blow this case?"

"Rafael…"

"Do you?"

Olivia shook her head and ran her hands over her mouth, trying to avoid snapping at her friend. "No, I don't," she said firmly. "You know better than to say that to me…"

Barba's face finally softened a little bit. "Sorry," he said quietly. "I just…this is stressing me out."

"Me too."

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes, but just as Olivia was about to say she needed to go, Barba turned to look at her again.

"Listen, Liv," he began. "I know this isn't my business…but…I can only assume, given the fact I helped you redecorate their bedrooms, that you're involved with Ed Tucker…as more than a friend."

Olivia sat, tight lipped, but let him continue.

"You don't need me to tell you that this could bite you both in the ass if you don't handle it carefully, and openly."

"We are aware," she said slowly. "We had…talked…about officially disclosing. I mean, people sorta know at this point. But then…"

Barba nodding knowingly. The murder of Ed's ex-wife had thrown a major wrench into their lives, and he realized that disclosing was not a the top of either of their minds.

"I know that, Liv," he said. "And…I don't want to sound cold, but that won't matter to the higher ups if something happens and your paths cross professionally. You know that."

Olivia just nodded and bit her lip. "I know," she whispered. "It's just…things are hard right now. We never have time together. Between our jobs, Noah, his kids…things are…hard."

Barba leaned back and took a good look at Olivia. She had dark circles under her eyes, her face seemed almost pale, and she was now frowning.

Shrugging, she looked back up at Barba. "I'm just not sure what to do," she said. "I think, well, we probably should make sure that this is something we can even sustain before…disclosing."

"You really think it's that bad?"

"No," Olivia said quickly, mad at herself for doubting her and Ed's relationship. "I don't," she said honestly. She rung her hands together and rocked back and forth slightly. "I'm just…overtired, stressed, missing Noah…and missing Ed. And just…Yates…_fuck_…"

Barba, seeing she was on edge, backed off. He stood up and pulled Olivia up with him.

"Go home, Liv," he said softly. "I didn't mean to pile on. This all can wait. See your son. Talk to Ed. But…I'm serious about the official disclosure. Don't put it off."

Olivia nodded and smiled, bidding the ADA goodbye and slowly gathering her things again. The squad room was dark and empty as she drug her feet towards the elevator. As she waited for a car to arrive, she sent Ed a quick message and went back to rubbing her temples.

_You'll figure it out,_ she said to herself. _You'll figure it out._


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

It was pushing one in the morning when Olivia quietly opened the door to Ed's apartment and slipped in. She toed her boots off, hoping not to make much noise as she began made her way to where she assumed Noah was sleeping in Ed's room. Instead, Olivia noticed a soft light on in the living room and veered back to the left of the foyer.

"Hey," she whispered, coming around the couch and smiling. Ed was sitting up, feet on the coffee table, and had dozed off holding the television remote. Noah was curled up at the other end of the couch, clutching his stuffed bear in a deep, peaceful slumber.

Ed blinked a few times as his lips curled into a smile. "Hey yourself," he said, his voice hoarse from sleep. He leaned over to take a sip of water and stood slowly, moving towards Olivia. "How ya doin'?"

Olivia shrugged and allowed Ed to engulf her in his arms. They stood in the middle of his living room, holding each other close for several minutes before Ed felt Olivia's body begin to shake.

"Hey, hey," he whispered, rubbing her back a bit harder and rocking them back and forth. "I'm right here. You're okay." He kissed the top of her head repeatedly and tightened his grip as she sniffed. "Talk to me, baby."

Olivia took a deep breath and pulled back slightly so she was able to look up into Ed's eyes while he kept his arms around her back. "I…" she began, her bottom lip trembling.

Ed kept one hand on her back and leaned over for a tissue, dabbing at her face while she fought to regain her composure. "There," he said softly. "Now, try again…"

Olivia smiled at him and gripped the front of his white t-shirt. "I'm just so tired," she mumbled.

"I know," Ed whispered, one hand continuing to rub her back and his other hand running along her cheeks to dry her tears.

"There's so much happening," she finally admitted, diverting her eyes almost as if she were ashamed to admit she felt that way given what Ed was dealing with.

Not batting an eye, Ed brushed her forehead with his lips and validated her feelings. "There _is_ a lot going on," he said. "And you've got it coming at ya from all sides right now."

"Yeah," Olivia sighed, her face falling back into Ed's chest. "I…I miss you. Talking to you. Being with you. But I'm just so tired right now…and I know you are too. I don't know how to do this…"

Heartbroken at Olivia's turmoil and pain, but knowing it was too late for them to even try to sort things out, he said the only thing he could think of.

"Noah's already out," he said. "Just stay here tonight. We'll put little man in the room with us."

"Ed, your kids…"

"They'll be fine," Ed said. "I already mentioned if you were too late, you might just stay. Nate barely reacted and Emma smiled, mentioning you had been going nonstop. So, one problem solved. Pallet on the floor for Noah?"

If Ed had a king-sized bed, he would've considered putting Noah between them in the bed, but selfishly he just wanted to hold his girlfriend. He knew they wouldn't be able to do anything. Even if Noah wasn't in the same room, Olivia was exhausted. But Ed desperately wanted to take her into his arms, hold her close, get her to talk to him a little bit more, and try to help her rest before she got drug back into the grind the next morning.

"Okay," Olivia whispered, surprising Ed, but she was too tired to form an argument. "Plus, there's always a chance my phone will ring in the next few hours."

Trying to ignore that comment, Ed turned her around and walked her back into his room. He immediately started the shower and moved to grab a pair of his boxers and a t-shirt for her to wear. He tossed them on the bathroom counter and padded back towards his bed where Olivia seemed to be frozen. "Come on," he said, guiding her into the bathroom. "Take a shower. Wash off the day. I'll get Noah settled."

Olivia shot Ed a grateful smile and nodded. "Sounds good."

While Olivia showered, Ed grabbed the cushions from his couch and placed them on the floor near the foot of his bed. He covered them with a fitted sheet and made a little make shift bed for Noah, complete with his favorite blanket of Ed's - a soft, green and brown flannel throw - and his teddy bear. He gingerly placed Noah on the pallet, gently tucked the covers around him, brushed his bedhead away from his forehead and placed a couple of kisses there.

"Night, little man," he whispered. "We'll be right here. You just sleep."

Ed stood up and watched Noah sleep for a few more minutes. The shower was still running and he could only assume Olivia would stay under the warm water for some time. Making his way around the apartment, he folded up blankets in the living room and turned off the lights, leaving only the under lighting in the kitchen on a dim setting. Ed double checked the locks and ambled towards his bedroom, stopping briefly to listen in on Emma, who had also been having trouble sleeping for some time. Not hearing anything, Ed felt relief flow through his body as he closed his bedroom door behind him. He finally had everyone under one roof, even if it was only for a few hours. Swapping his sweats for a pair of lighter sleep pants and a fresh, gray undershirt, he stretched out in the bed and scrolled through his iPad while he waited for Olivia to emerge from the shower.

It took another fifteen minutes, but eventually Olivia made her way out of Ed's bathroom. He followed her movements as she tip-toed over to Noah and spent a few minutes speaking softly to him as he slept and gently cuddled him. She finally stood up and Ed admired her long, tan legs that seemed even more alluring when she wore his boxer shorts. The navy t-shirt was a little big, but she looked cozy as she moved to clip her wet hair on top of her head, allowing her jaw line and neck to be more prominently featured. Olivia put her jewelry in a little dish on Ed's nightstand and looked around for her phone.

"I plugged it in over here," Ed said reaching over to the matching nightstand on his side of the bed and held it up. "Ya want it by you?"

Olivia nodded. "Probably best," she said softly, plugging it in, checking the volume, and finally collapsing onto Ed's mattress. Ed immediately shuffled so that Olivia's head was resting on his chest and his arms were wrapped firmly around her. "Your shirt's gonna get wet," she murmured, but made no attempt to move.

"I don't care," he whispered into her damp hair. "Don't care one bit."

"I never texted Lucy," Olivia said, trying to sit back up but Ed tightened his grip.

"She can get Noah from here tomorrow," he said simply. "We'll text her when we wake up."

"When do you go in?"

"I can be a little late if I need to," he responded. "We'll text her in the morning."

"Okay." Olivia smiled, not minding that Ed had made the child care decision for her, and shifted so she was even closer, intertwining their legs. "I know we can't…ya know…" she said softly, nuzzling her cheek against his t-shirt. "I just wanna be…close."

"I'm right here," Ed whispered. His fingers brushed lightly along her neck and upper back.

"I've missed this," she murmured. "Missed you."

"Me too, Liv," Ed said, searching his brain for a way to promise her things would settle down, and they'd find time for more of this. But instead, he settled on focusing on Olivia's current headspace. "Do you wanna talk a little more?"

Olivia let out a sigh. Ed was never one to push her into talking about what was wrong. She knew that he, deep down, always wanted her to talk. He desperately wanted to know what she was thinking, how she was feeling, and especially what was hurting her. Over the last couple of years, Ed Tucker had moved from someone she semi-despised and was nervous around, to someone who made her feel safer than anyone ever had. Despite that safety, she had never fully disclosed her entire ordeal with William Lewis or Lowell Harris. He only knew what IAB files had in them and a few details she had let slip here and there. Olivia had left out the more traumatic bits and pieces of her childhood, as well. And Ed, ever the patient and intuitive man, never pushed her, but remained aware that she held back what he assumed to be an avalanche of trauma. Ed resigned himself to never knowing every detail of every ordeal, but he believed Olivia when she expressed how safe and secure he made her feel, and that was what mattered most to both of them. Even as she laid against his chest, with life seemingly falling apart all around them, he somehow made her feel safe.

"My mind keeps going back to Nadia," she finally admitted. Her tone was low, almost as if she was going on autopilot as she spoke. "I mean, we don't know for sure who was involved yet. It could just be some kind of sick copy-cat. But…today…all I could think about was Nadia. And how…"

Ed tightened his hold on her, pressing his lips to her forehead and keeping them there, making sure she knew he was right there with her. That she was safe, protected, and no longer in those dark places that her mind wanted to take her.

"How easily that could've been well, in another…instance…" she paused, taking a deep breath and trying to stop her body from shaking and dissolving into tears again that night. But Ed knew where she was going. He kept on hand around her waist, holding her body to his, and moved his hand to tip her chin up slightly so he could look into her eyes and try to ground her.

"It wasn't you," he whispered. "Yates isn't Lewis. There are…similarities, yes. Perhaps too many for you right now. But you're here. You're right here. With me, with Noah, with Nate and Emma. You are safe. You survived."

Olivia tried to smile, but her lips trembled and a few large tears rolled down her cheeks. Ed's lips followed their trail as he worked to kiss them away.

"I know this isn't easy," he continued. "But you've got something this go'round that you haven't had before…"

Cocking her head to the side, Olivia looked at him curiously.

"Me," he said simply, his eyes staring intensely into hers. "You have me."

Olivia pressed her lips to his, initiating a short-lived but passionate kiss, before settling back into his chest and taking deep, slow breaths.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Ed reached over to turn off the bedside lamp, enveloping them in darkness. The only light came from the twinkle of the city buildings outside of Ed's bedroom window.

"You don't have to thank me," he said. "I'm not going anywhere. I love you."

"Love you too," Olivia said with a yawn, finally allowing her body to relax. Ed didn't close his eyes until he felt her body grow heavy and limp with sleep. He waited a few more minutes, watching her face as the muscle tension seemed to ease with each breath.

Finally assured that everyone in his apartment was asleep and okay for the time being, Ed allowed himself to drift off, basking in the brief moment of contentment life had bestowed upon them.

* * *

Fin let Olivia sleep an hour more than she anticipated. Her phone buzzed softly on the nightstand a little after five that morning. Careful not to let out a groan, she moved slowly to cut off the ringer and extracted herself from Ed's grip and his warm, cozy bed. She looked over and smiled, for Ed was still out cold, his head half buried in the same pillow she had been using and his lips parted as he snored lightly. She resisted the urge to kiss at his face, instead moving to the bathroom to brush her teeth and try to make herself appear less run-down. Noticing the darkening circles under her eyes, she made the decision to start a pot of coffee before continuing to get ready and tip-toed down the darkened hallway.

Olivia puttered around in Ed's kitchen, hoping to find some already ground coffee so she didn't make too much noise. She finally found an unopened container of Folgers and grinned, knowing Ed would scoff when he realized what she used. Over the years, he had turned into quite the coffee connoisseur, but Olivia knew she'd be quickly forgiven. Turning around and getting ready to head back into Ed's bathroom as it brewed, she gasped and almost ran right into a groggy Emma.

"Emma!" Olivia exclaimed, still in a whisper. "I didn't hear you…"

"Sorry," Emma said, yawning. She rubbed her eyes under her large, light blue eyeglass frames. Her hair was pulled into a messy, matted bun on top of her head and she was wearing what Olivia could only assume was a pullover of Ed's as it swallowed the girl's frame whole and had the NYPD logo on it.

"Did I wake you up?" Olivia asked, feeling the guilt sink in that she may have interrupted Emma's rare moment of sleep. But the young Tucker shook her head.

"No," she said, stumbling her way towards the living room. "I…" she paused and looked around in a confused daze. "Where are the couch cushions?"

Olivia let out a laugh and came into the living room. "Ed used them to make a pallet for Noah," she explained. "But he should be awake soon. I can go grab them…"

"Nah, it's okay," Emma said, shrugging and reaching for the basket full of blankets Ed kept in one of the corners. "This'll work." Emma tossed a bunch of blankets onto the couch frame and collapsed onto it, using the one remaining blanket to cover her legs. "Pretty much the same level of comfort…"

Chuckling softly, Olivia moved towards the kitchen. "Coffee is almost ready. You want some?"

"Sure," Emma said, picking at her fingers. "You're up early…"

"As are you," Olivia put back, fixing up two mugs and moving into the living room. "I got called in," she explained softly, but then let out a gigantic yawn. "But I'm…taking my time a little bit."

Emma took a sip of her coffee and cradled the mug close to her chest as she eyed Olivia for a few moments. Olivia let her, waiting patiently for Emma to instigate some kind of conversation. Finally she did, but Olivia was surprised at the direction it took.

"Are you okay?" Her eyes were wide and sincere, and her voice was soft. Olivia felt her heart flutter with warmth and a tiny bit of hope that this relationship was strengthening just a little bit.

"I am," Olivia allowed slowly, not wanting to lie but also not quite sure it was appropriate to answer any other way. "Work has been a little tough, so I'm tired. But I'm okay."

"Dad said you've been busy," Emma explained. "And he said sometimes your job can be really dark. I sorta assumed he meant…it was dark right now."

Olivia cocked her head a bit and took a good look at Emma. Her gaze seemed glazed over, a little dim, and she had her own set of dark circles under her puffy eyes. Olivia continued to hope that Emma would open up to her, even just a little bit, but they never had many opportunities these days. Glancing quickly at the clock and deciding she had about half an hour before Fin got impatient, she took a tiny leap.

"It is," Olivia said. "Some cases hit harder than others. This one seems to be more…exhausting, I guess."

Emma kept studying Olivia's every move and every word. "You do look tired," she said. "When do you have to go in?"

"Soon."

"Oh…"

Olivia detected disappointment in Emma's voice and it tugged at her heartstrings a little bit. She reached out and rubbed Emma's shoulder before brushing a few strands of rogue hair out of her face.

"Are you okay, sweet girl?" Olivia bit her lip, regretting letting that monicker slip out, as she wasn't sure if Emma would receive it well. But either it didn't bother her, or she let it roll right off of her.

Shrugging, Emma set her coffee mug down and wrapped the blanket further around her body. "I guess so," she said. "I'm tired, too."

"I know you are."

"They gave me these sleeping pills. And they work…until they don't," she explained. "Like now. I'm awake, can't close my eyes, but I feel super…out of it."

Olivia just nodded, taking Emma's hand and holding it tightly.

"Dad found me a therapist."

"Do you like her?" Olivia asked, knowing Ed found someone as he had run the name by her before taking Emma.

"I guess," she said. "She's okay. She thinks I should be on other, regular medicine. Not just this…temporary stuff."

Olivia nodded, having assumed that eventually Emma would need to be on some kind of anxiety medication.

"How do you feel about that?"

"I don't really care," Emma admitted. "Everyone seems to think pills and sleep will just fix everything."

Olivia let that honest admission sit in the air for a bit before responding. "They won't fix it," she said simply. "They may help you cope. Help you get more sleep. But they aren't magic. There isn't a magic fix to trauma."

Emma let her head fall back against the back of the couch. "Right…" she whispered. She was about to say something else, but Olivia's phone buzzed again.

"Ugh," Olivia groaned. "Emma, I'm sorry…"

"It's okay," Emma said with a small smile. "Thanks for sitting here for a bit. I know you're late…"

Olivia sent Fin a quick message with her ETA and turned to fully face Emma. "I want you to call me, or text me, anytime okay? Even if I'm busy. It doesn't matter. If you need me…if you want me…you call."

Emma bit her lip and Olivia could caught a glance of unshed tears before they disappeared quickly. "Okay," Emma whispered. Olivia gave her a quick, tight hug before standing and heading back to finish getting ready. She put a light layer of makeup on, pulled her hair back, and grabbed her jewelry before kissing Ed lightly and letting him know she was leaving.

"Noah is still out cold," she said softly. "I've already texted Lucy to come get him here."

"Mmkay," Ed said, opening his eyes enough to kiss Olivia's lips once more. "Be careful, baby."

"I will," she said, pausing to look into his kind, tired blue eyes. It was hard not to let her mind wander to a place in which she would wake up to him every morning, where juggling childcare would be a two person game, not just her. But she quickly shoved those thoughts down, feeling bad for even going there given what all Ed had going on in his life, and got back down to business. "Lucy'll call when she's on her way."

"Tell her to take her time," Ed said, eyeing Olivia and trying to figure out what was going through her head. "Sure you're okay?"

"I am," she said. "I'll call you later?"

Ed smiled. "Sooner, if possible. I love you, Liv."

"Love you too."

Olivia moved to kiss and cuddle her son, trying not to think about how little time she'd spent with him while he was awake in recent days. Reluctantly, she returned to the foyer to grab her shoes, but noticed a bright pink post-it note with her name on it sitting on the little table next to a to-go coffee tumbler. Emma had drawn a heart under "Olivia" and the mug was full of steaming coffee with just the right amount of almond milk. Assuming Emma had already gone back to her room, Olivia smiled, wrote her own heart and a thank you on the post-it, took the coffee tumbler and left the apartment, making sure to lock the door on her way out.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

"Cheers, _Lieutenant_," Ed said, a proud smile on his face as he and Olivia clinked their glasses together. Olivia smiled and took a sip of her wine, fidgeting slightly under his gaze. Ed hadn't taken his eyes off of her all night. From the time he picked her up at her apartment, to holding the Uber and restaurant door open for her, to pulling her chair out, to now, when they toasted her promotion, his eyes were glued to his girlfriend.

After Dodds had announced her as SVU's newly crowned Lieutenant, Olivia had immediately called Ed. Despite it being his prodding that got the ball rolling for her to sit for the exam, Ed refused any credit. He was elated that he was Olivia's first call and immediately began plotting to take her out. Once Olivia confirmed that Lucy could stay with Noah for a few extra hours, Ed called around and got a last minute reservation at a quaint, but upscale restaurant. After thinking it through, he called back and requested a slightly later time, then called Olivia.

"How about we ditch the work clothes tonight. Something a little…different?"

She readily agreed and as she stepped out of her building, Ed's jaw dropped. She had, in fact, ditched her work attire and slipped into a deep green, sleeveless dress with a hemline that fell a couple of inches above her knees. She paired the ensemble with nude heels and a deeper shade of lipstick. The entire outfit stunned Ed. Despite being together for over a year, fancy date nights were a rarity for the busy couple. Most of their alone time happened either right after work at a designated bar or after Noah had fallen asleep, neither of which required any kind of festive attire. So as Ed sat next to her at a little table by the window over looking the quiet, tree-line Upper West Side street, he had to stop from pinching himself.

"Thank you, Captain," Olivia finally responded, putting her glass down and playing with the napkin in her lap. "This was a good idea."

"I have them on occasion," Ed retorted with a smirk. He reached over to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. "How do you feel about all of this?"

Olivia smiled. "Good," she said confidently. "I'm a little concerned about Dodds placing his son as my second in command, but…" Olivia paused and shrugged. "It is what it is."

Ed twisted his lips a bit and sat back. "I don't think he'll last," he said simply, his IAB tone returning. "SVU's…not for everyone."

"No kidding," Olivia muttered. "Thank you…for pushing me along here. For helping me keep my job…my command."

"I didn't wanna see ya lose that unit," Ed responded. "It was an easy decision, at least in my book. That job…that squad…it's you. It's all you."

Olivia stopped fidgeting and looked over at Ed, her eyes running over every feature. He was ruggedly handsome. She was used to seeing him in a full suit, crisp white button down, and a plain colored tie. That evening he had switched it up and went with a darker combination. Deep gray suit pants paired with a black button down. He had the sleeves rolled neatly midway up his forearms, and left a couple of the neck buttons undone. At first glance, Olivia had thought he had a matching dark gray blazer, but it was actually just a jacket. She delighted in seeing Ed without a tie on, but still dressed up, and she found those undone buttons to be a slight turn on.

She snapped herself out of her gaze and reached over to toy with the collar of his shirt, as she could easily reach him. They had been seated next to each other at the square table, not across, a gesture that she was now appreciating.

"See something ya like, Lieutenant?" Ed raised his eye brows as he both teased her and continued to emphasize her new title.

"I do." Her words were deep, sultry, and drawn out. They made Ed shift in his seat and lean closer to her. He brushed her cheek with his lips and made a daring move to nip at her earlobe. "Ed…" she cautioned, suddenly looking around the restaurant to make sure they didn't have prying eyes.

"Sorry," he whispered. "Couldn't help it…"

Olivia laughed lightly and grabbed for his hand, bring it to her lips and kissing at it a few times, trying to gather some courage for her next statement.

"I think we should talk about disclosing the relationship," she said, her voice soft, but Ed picked up immediately on her lack of hesitation.

He sat back, keeping her hand in his, and eyed her. "Ya do?"

Olivia nodded. "I do," she said simply. "It is…well, its a little hard to keep it under wraps. My whole squad knows, Barba knows, and Dodds suspects it given how much time we both requested off."

Ed nodded, but didn't say anything. Olivia assumed it meant he wasn't ready, so she continued with her argument.

"I don't want this to come back and bite us, Ed," she said. Her tone was strained, almost pleading. "We have…a lot going on. Perhaps 'sneaking' around can be one of the things we no longer have to do." She paused, and leaned forward to try and emphasize her point. Ed squeezed her hands in his, his eyes still on hers, and allowed her to finish her thoughts. "I don't…I just want this to work…" The last few words of her statement trailed off, as the very thought of losing Ed was near nauseating. Olivia had never felt this kind of attachment to someone she was dating and she found it both scary and exhilarating.

"Hey," Ed finally said, leaning forward once again, but this time only to be closer to her as he spoke. "I'm on board, Liv," he said, setting her mind at ease. "I think you're right. It's one less thing for us to worry about. And…I think ya know I want this to work…"

Olivia smiled, both out of relief and contentment. "I do."

Ed let out a long, slow breath. "Big day, huh," he said, bouncing their joined hands slightly on the table. "Promotion, fancy date night, disclosure…"

Olivia got a teasing glint in her eyes. "Careful, Captain," she said. "Don't overwhelm me…"

Ed chuckled, kissed her knuckles, and signaled to the waiter. "Nah," he said. "Don't plan on overwhelmin' ya until later tonight." He watched as Olivia bit her bottom lip and blushed slightly. It only served to strengthen his desire for her.

"Where's the damn waiter…" he muttered, making a show of looking around the restaurant. "I wanna get out of here."

* * *

"Hey, Em?" Nate wandered out of the hallway bathroom and into the kitchen, filling up a glass with water from the fridge.

"Hm?" Emma barely looked up from where she was perched on the couch, in what had become her usual corner. She was playing around on her phone while the television played a documentary that she had on mute.

"I'm gonna head to bed," he said, stifling a yawn. It was barely nine o'clock, but neither Tucker kid had been sleeping well and it seemed to be catching up to Nate. "I'm really beat for some reason…"

Emma looked up. Even from a distance, Nate could tell her eyes were glazed over but she didn't appear to be upset.

"You okay?" He finally asked. The exhaustion kept deepening for him and though he badly wanted sleep, he didn't want to leave his sister alone if she was upset. He knew she had been sleeping even less than he had, but he felt rather helpless with the situation.

When Ed had approached them about taking Olivia out and potentially staying over at her apartment, both Nate and Emma readily agreed and assured him that they would be fine. Ed took their word at face value, already giddy with excitement to finally have Olivia alone for an entire evening. But what he had failed to notice was for Emma, at least, her assurance was all surface. There was an underlying fear in her eyes that Nate had only noticed after Ed departed and Emma had become more anxious, constantly checking the locks on the door and looking around the apartment from her perch on the couch. But, again, Nate didn't know what to do with that. He knew that his sister was traumatized. He knew that he, himself, was traumatized, however, outside of therapy Nate didn't have any answers. He badly wanted to protect his sister, to help her, but the closer the time came for him to go back to school, the less energy he had to slog through the day, let alone help someone else slog. That feeling of helplessness, and of inability to help, was a new feeling for Nate. He didn't like it one bit, but for the time being, he decided to try and sleep it off and start fresh the next day.

"I'm fine," Emma responded with a shrug. She eyed Nate and took in his seemingly deflated appearance. "Just playing this new word game with Amanda."

"Okay…" Nate responded hesitantly.

"Are _you_ okay?" Emma asked pointedly, putting the question back on him.

Nate gave her a small smile. "I guess," he said honestly. "A little worn out…kinda ready to get back to school, actually."

Emma wanted to flinch at the thought, but gave no outward appearance of a reaction.

"Some sense of normalcy," Nate continued, letting out another yawn. "Whatever that is anymore…"

"Yeah," Emma whispered. "Whatever that is…" In an effort to reassure her brother, Emma tossed her phone onto a couch cushion and popped up, making her way to Nate and engulfed him in a bear-like sibling hug. "Sleep," she said firmly. "Love you, brother."

Assured Emma was okay, Nate hugged her back tightly before patting her on the head and smirking. She hated when he did that and he got the desired glare he was after. "Love you too."

* * *

Ed collapsed next to Olivia and tried to resume normal breathing patterns. They both momentarily laid on their backs, arms and legs splayed out in various directions, and stared up at the ceiling to try and gather their bearings. Olivia was confident she'd never experienced such a powerful climax, as not only was she trying to control her breathing she was also working to regain clear vision.

The couple had wasted very little time getting down to business once they returned home from dinner and relieved Lucy. Noah was sound asleep and as soon as Olivia had returned from checking on him, Ed pounced. What had started as almost a frantic, desperate romp quickly slowed down once they hit the sheets. Ed had undressed her slowly, kissing each spot of newly exposed skin. They had whispered to each other softly while they enjoyed a more prolonged period of foreplay. It was the first time in a while that they had an entire night ahead of them, assuringly all to themselves, and neither one of them seemed to take it for granted.

Now as they laid next to each other, almost star-fished, Olivia let out a content sigh and found the strength to roll her body over and curl into Ed's side.

"Mmmmm," she moaned. "That was…so good. So so good, Captain."

Ed grunted and shifted so he could wrap both arms around her slick, naked body. "Its always good with you," he said, kissing at her head before allowing her to bury her face in his neck. Ed closed his eyes and tried to freeze time. Their lives had been so hectic and he wanted to savor the feel of Olivia Benson laying sated in his arms for as long as he possibly could. In fact, they had stayed in that position so long Ed had assumed Olivia drifted off, but her lips on his chest and the tickle of her hair along his ribs signaled otherwise. Ed took a deep breath and ran his fingertips along her side and down to her hip, tracing circular patterns.

"Ed," she whispered, her body twitching, before she lifted her head slightly to look into his eyes.

"Whaddya want, Liv," he asked, awkwardly bending his neck in order to press his forehead against hers and feel her breath against his lips.

"This," she said simply, kissing him softly. "I just want this. I feel so…safe."

"You are." Ed's tone was still soft, almost a whisper, but there was a unique firmness to it. His grip on her tightened as he kissed her once again. "You. Are."

Olivia rested her head back on his chest, and closed her eyes. She assumed sleep would come quickly, as their bodies were both spent, but it didn't. Olivia could feel Ed try not to move and jostle her too much, and his breathing never quite evened out.

"What's wrong," she said quietly, rubbing his chest comfortingly.

A few minutes passed before Ed attempted to answer her question. "Everything changes so…fast," he said. "A few years ago, I felt like I was stuck on repeat. Had been for years. And now, in the course of a year, everything just completely changed. And seems to still be changing."

"Yeah," Olivia agreed, for she felt the same way. "It's been a lot. And all at once."

"Don't get me wrong. I'm not really complaining," he said, stopping abruptly. "I…well, that sounded bad…"

Olivia let out a chuckle. "I know, baby," she soothed. "I get what you mean."

"Been missing this, though," he continued. "Life is barreling forward, and I want to make sure I'm next to you while it happens."

Olivia slung her arm around his torso and held him tightly, but didn't say anything. She correctly sensed he had a little more to say.

"I think disclosing is the turn around a corner we need," he said decisively. "I'd been thinkin' it for a while, but wanted you to be ready."

"I'm very ready."

"Next week?"

Olivia rested her chin on his peck and smiled at him. "Tell me when, and I'll meet ya downtown."

Ed grinned and pulled her body up so he could kiss her. She quickly deepened it and allowed Ed to roll her onto her back, eagerly anticipating what he had in store for her next.

* * *

Emma's eyes roamed around the apartment as she took in her surroundings. Candles flickered on the coffee table, illuminating the pattern of the one exposed-brick wall in Ed's living room. The television hung above the mantle of an old, no longer usable fire place. When Ed had bought his apartment years ago, the building's twenty-four floors had just undergone major renovations, bringing the units up-to-date and installing fancier, updated elevators. But Ed chose this apartment because, despite the building being more on the modern side, his unit still had characteristics that were highly sought after in New York City real estate; the exposed brick wall being high on the list. When he first moved in, the kitchen was fully enclosed, but Ed had decided to knock down the wall and put a counter with bar seating up, fully opening up his living and dining area to the kitchen. It made it easier for him to keep an eye on his kids when they were younger. Now it had become the trend for apartments, but back when Ed had the work done, he wasn't thinking of anything other than practicality.

Smiling as she wandered into the kitchen, Emma admired her father's updated, stainless steel appliances. She knew he rarely used it, but when his refrigerator had died several years back, he couldn't stand the thought of not having matching appliances, a similarity that Ed and Emma shared. People often commented on how alike Ed and Nate are, but Emma shared more of her personality with Ed than people realized. They both liked order and coordination. While Ed kept his apartment organized and coordinating throughout the space, Emma did the same with her bedroom and accessories. They both acted and spoke with purpose, and it would often take them a while to warm up to new people. But once they did, their identical smirks were filled with mischief and funny quips. Father and daughter ribbed each other endlessly, as Emma could go toe to toe with Ed's dry sense of humor.

Emma also had a stone face that was near identical to Ed's. She could be reacting and feeling deeply inside, but to the outside person there was little to no emotion. Nate wore his feelings a little bit more on his sleeve and seemed more open to talking, whereas Emma would brush things off with a sarcastic comment and move on. Her mother was always good at seeing through the facade, and she had known when to push and when to let it go. But now Emma found herself missing the one person who knew how to read her, and reach her. It was Nate who would bond more openly with his father, and Emma who would lean more towards joking it off. The foundation in which both kids had rooted themselves, and the routine that they had grown to crave the familiarity of, had since been broken.

Thinking back to Nate's earlier comment about getting back into his own sense of normal, Emma found herself feeling lost. What kind of normal did she have? She turned around slowly in the kitchen, but it was a dazed movement. Her breathing sped up and she immediately placed the glass on the counter and gripped it's edges with both hands. As Emma felt herself become more steady, she looked around for her phone. Spotting it on the coffee table, she managed to stumble over to grab it, and went back to the kitchen.

_Perhaps water will help._

She took a few quick sips, but her hands trembled. She left the glass in the sink and spun around the kitchen one more time before her eyes locked on Ed's locked liquor cabinet above the refrigerator. Emma stumbled backwards, her lower back hitting the ledge of the counter, before she allowed herself to sink to the floor. Gripping her phone, she kept telling herself to text her father or Olivia, but she never did.

_You're fine, Emma. Get it together._

Giving up for the moment, Emma let her head fall back against the countertop and she closed her eyes. Her friends back in California were out having fun. Nate desperately needed sleep. Her father was in a serious relationship and, despite her previous hesitation, Emma liked Olivia and wanted it to work out for all of them. Curling up on the floor in the corner of the kitchen, eyes closed, Emma tried to fight off the flashbacks and allowed the reality of being alone to permeate deep into her soul.

* * *

It was a little after one when Olivia startled awake. She immediately checked the monitor but saw that Noah was still out cold. Ed's breathing was deep as he laid next her, signaling he hadn't moved in a while. Not immediately able to pinpoint a reason why she startled awake, she turned onto her back and blinked a few times. As her eyes adjusted, she rolled over and checked her phone. Feeling Olivia's body move, Ed breathed in sharply, rolled himself over so he was spooned against her back, and buried his face in her neck.

"Why are you awake," he mumbled, kissing along her shoulder.

Olivia checked her notifications and saw none, but didn't put her phone down. "I don't know," she whispered. "Something woke me up. But it wasn't Noah. Or you. Or my phone…"

Ed groaned and wrapped one of his legs around hers.

"Good," he growled. "Let's go back to sleep…" Instead of relaxing, Olivia's body remained slightly tense which meant Ed couldn't go back to sleep. He let a few minutes pass before he spoke. "Liv, what is it?"

"Are you sure your kids are okay?" Olivia turned onto her back and reached up to stroke Ed's cheek as she watched his blue eyes sparkle in the darkened room.

"They're fine," he said. "They'd text if they weren't."

Olivia didn't look convinced. "Are you sure they'd actually call us?"

"Why wouldn't they?" Ed asked, his face scrunched up in confusion.

Biting her lip, Olivia reached over to grab her phone. She quickly fired off a text and set it back on the nightstand.

"I texted Emma," she explained. "Hopefully she's asleep and can think I'm ridiculous in the morning."

Ed smirked at his girlfriend and pulled her into his chest. "Nothing ridiculous about you caring for my kids…"

"I'm worried about them."

"They're _fine_," Ed insisted, but then he questioned himself. Assured that Olivia did reach out, he kissed her lips a few times before settling back into the pillows. "Go back to sleep, Benson."

* * *

_**I know the updates have slowed a bit. I hope you'll stick with me...there's a lot of story left!**_


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

Olivia came out of her room rubbing her eyes. She blearily stared at the clock on her wall, which read 5:30am. Groaning she made her way to the couch where Ed was perched with Noah drinking milk and watching old Bugs Bunny reruns while curled up in his lap.

"Hey," she whispered, rubbing his neck and sliding in next to her boys. "I didn't hear him wake up?"

"Ah," Ed said. "I was comin' out of the bathroom and heard him. Figured we could let ya sleep but," he looked at the time on his phone and chuckled. "That plan failed."

Olivia rested her head on Ed's shoulder. "Early breakfast?"

Ed let out a hearty laugh, startling Noah slightly. "Sorry bud," he reassured him, before turning to Olivia. "You realize you have no food here?"

Indignant, Olivia was ready to argue. "I have cereal, milk…well, maybe no eggs."

"You have half a box of Cheerios," Ed said. "And Noah drank the rest of the milk just now."

Olivia groaned playfully. "You'd think with being a mother now I'd keep my fridge stocked better."

"Old habits die hard."

"True words, Captain," she said. "I can run out? Order in?"

"Nah," Ed said, looking down at Noah and seeing he was almost done with his milk. "I have stuff at my place. Why don't we all go there. Big breakfast? The five of us, if mine are even awake, before we have to go in."

Olivia's smile grew and Ed could see the delight in her eyes. "Five of us," she murmured, her eyes scanning over his face. "Sounds perfect."

The couple dressed, packed a bag for Noah in case Lucy needed to pick him up from Ed's, and piled into an Uber. The sun hadn't even come up yet, so it took no time before they were in the elevator up to Ed's floor.

"Did you text the kids?" Olivia asked. She reached over to rub Noah's back, as he slept peacefully in Ed's arms. "I don't wanna scare them."

"I sent something to both," he stated. "Didn't hear anything. Ever hear back from Emma last night?"

"No."

"Good," Ed said with a relieved breath."Hopefully they are sleeping, finally."

The elevator doors opened and Olivia went out first, quietly unlocking the door and moving into Ed's apartment ahead of the two boys. She placed Noah's bag down in the foyer and flipped the kitchen light on.

"_Emma_," she gasped, beelining for where the girl was still curled up against the cabinets, eyes closed. "Emma?" Olivia dropped to her knees and moved quickly to check for a pulse, but much to her relief, Emma flinched and her eyes shot open.

"What's going on?" Ed asked, his voice slightly elevated with concern as he made his way into the kitchen, careful not to wake up Noah. "What's wrong?"

One of her hands clutched Emma's as Olivia snaked another arm around her back to help her sit up slightly.

"I'm fine," Emma croaked, looking around and blinking rapidly. She finally let her eyes settle on Olivia. "I just…why am I in the kitchen? Did I sleep here?"

"Liv?" Ed's eyes darted between Olivia and Emma. When Emma didn't attempt to move away from Olivia, she turned to Ed.

"You wanna lay Noah down in your bed?" Olivia's voice was soft and calm. Worried about his daughter, but hopeful that she would open up a little to Olivia, Ed nodded.

"Yeah," he said. "Em, I'll be in the back if you need me?"

Emma nodded but gripped Olivia's hand tighter in her own. Noticing the slight move, Ed was reassured that his daughter was in good hands for the moment and quietly moved down the hall with Noah who continued to snooze away, oblivious to the turmoil around him.

Olivia immediately turned her attention back to Emma and took note of her ghostly, pale complexion and the dark, puffy circles under her glazed eyes. First and foremost, she needed to make sure they didn't need a doctor. "Emma, did you take anything?"

"No," Emma whispered. "I…I didn't take anything."

"Xanax? Sleeping pills?"

"I don't…I took a Xanax last night, but just one, right after Nate went to sleep. I think…"

"Okay," Olivia said softly. Trusting for now that Emma was physically okay, she moved so she was sitting right next to her on the tiled floor and leaned back against the counter. "Okay, you're okay," she whispered, pulling Emma into her side and resting her chin on top of her head.

"Why am I in the kitchen?"

"I don't know," Olivia answered honestly. "Do you remember anything about last night?"

Emma bit her lip and looked around slightly before closing her eyes. Her body tensed up and she unknowingly scooted closer to Olivia. "I hate kitchens," she whispered.

Olivia felt her heart crack, momentarily glossing over the fact that Emma ignored the actual question. "I know, sweetheart," she whispered. "Come on. Can I help you to the couch?"

Emma nodded and allowed Olivia to pull her up. Though wobbly, she let Olivia lead her out of the kitchen and to the couch where she collapsed onto the cushions. Olivia handed her a blanket and reached out to brush the hair of Emma's face as she sat next to her.

"Better?"

"Much," Emma said hoarsely. Finally coming firmly back into the present, she swallowed hard and looked up at Olivia. "Thanks, Liv."

"I'm right here, Emma," she assured her. "Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere."

Ed, finally unable to stand it, came padding back down the hallway. He stopped briefly to admire the two women on the couch. Emma was curled up close to Olivia, not fully against her, but they were hand in hand as they stared off towards the fireplace.

"Hey," he whispered, careful not to startle Emma, and made his way over to the coffee table. He perched in front of them and eyed his daughter. "Ya alright?"

"Yeah," she said, her voice still hoarse but less so than earlier. "I still don't really know what happened."

Ed nodded and glanced worriedly towards Olivia. She seemed concerned but calm, so he allowed himself room to breathe. There was no one in the world he trusted more with his daughter right now than Olivia Benson.

Yawning, Emma stretched and emerged out from under the blanket. "I think I'm gonna take a shower," she said. "See if I can clear the cobwebs."

"Sure you're okay?" Ed asked, his eyes following Emma as she stood.

"I think so," she responded. "But…you're not leaving, right?"

Olivia assumed she meant Ed, but when she glanced up at Emma she was looking pointedly at her.

"I'll be right here," she assured her with a smile. "Your dad has to feed Noah and I breakfast because I'm bad at keeping groceries in my apartment."

Emma finally cracked a smile and let out a laugh. "We may be better off ordering in," she quipped, smirking at her father.

"Hey!"

They all shared a laugh and Emma made her way down the hallway and into the bathroom, closing the door. Ed moved to sit on the couch and pulled Olivia into his arms.

"She seems…well…more with it than when we first got here," Ed said, trying to find the positives. Olivia just let out a slow breath.

"She does," she finally said, looking up into his worried eyes. "I'm…concerned. But she's trying. I think that counts."

"I know," he said, rubbing at his face. "I just…I'm at a loss. I can't read her. I really thought she was fine last night."

Olivia contemplated her next words, but she was drawing a blank. It was an excruciatingly difficult situation.

"It's just gonna take time," she finally said. "A new normal for all of us."

"I just can't believe I didn't see it…"

"_Ed._"

"I'm outta my wheelhouse here, Liv."

"Hey," she said, making sure she had his attention. "When I said 'us'…I meant _all of us_. We're in it together."

"Speaking of," Ed said, rubbing his hands on his pants before looking back over at Olivia. "I wanna go with Nate when he heads back to Stanford next week. But I'm worried about Emma, especially after last night."

"Want me to stay with her?" Olivia offered, correctly reading his mind.

"Would you?"

"Of course," she said. "As long as she's okay with it?"

"I'll talk to her, but I'm sure it'll be fine," Ed said. "Thank you…"

"You don't have to thank me," she said simply. "But…you do still owe me breakfast."

Ed smiled and leaned over to kiss her lips. "Comin' right up."

* * *

The following week found Olivia sitting at her desk. She had tossed her glasses aside, half closed her laptop, and rubbed at her temples. Exhausted and overwhelmed, she tried to organize her thoughts. Rollins had announced her pregnancy weeks ago, yet Olivia had little time to let it sink in until recently. Her detective seemed both excited and nervous, which seemed understandable, and while Olivia wanted to be completely supportive, she was already questioning how this would affect the squad. Rollins stilled showed signs of questioning victims or validity of cases and had not quite earned her way back into Olivia's good graces. Dodds was still green and experiencing the learning curve of SVU cases. Olivia also still hadn't quite let her guard down with how the chief had slid his son right into a commanding position within her squad. She still suspected ulterior motives, but Olivia had a job to do and couldn't spend any of her already limited time coming up with scenarios. Luckily, Sonny had been growing on her more and more as time went on. She found him a little quirky at times, but reliable and enthusiastic.

"Thank god for Fin," Olivia mumbled to herself. She sat back up, grabbed her glasses, and began to make a list of tasks she could complete and things she could control enough to get in order to help the other chaos settle in her mind. Olivia kicked herself for allowing Amanda's pregnancy fall to the back burner with her promotion and personal life, but there just weren't enough hours in the day for Olivia to give every single thing the time and attention it deserved. But with an invitation to a baby shower sitting on her desk, it was time to face the reality in her squad room.

A knock at the door once again broke her focus on making a plan. Glasses perched down on her nose, Olivia called the person in and looked up.

"Hey, Lieu." Mike Dodds stood in the doorway, hands in his pockets. At first, Olivia wanted to roll her eyes as she interpreted Dodds' body language as arrogant.

"Come on in," she finally said, gesturing to the chair in front of her desk. As Mike made his way in, she realized it wasn't necessarily arrogance. It was more of a forced confidence, which made her soften slightly to her new addition. "What's up?"

"I, uh," he stammered, running a hand through his hair as he searched for words to say to his boss.

Olivia noticed the struggle. She took her glasses off and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her desk, and looked at him intently.

"That woman," he finally said, eyes darting upwards. "I just can't get her out of my head. The look on her face…"

"Yeah," Olivia breathed out. This particular victim was haunting her as well. The young woman had such little faith in the justice system, and with so much complexity and power surrounding her case, Olivia couldn't blame her jaded mindset. But while Olivia focused her worry on finding some kind of loophole to help their victim, Dodds seemed to be stewing.

"I guess I expected kids would be hard. Ya know, the cases…with little kids…but…"

"They are all hard," Olivia finished for him. "They are. Some cases, some victims, are harder than others. But the viciousness, the invasiveness, the sheer…violation…involved with our cases? It's all hard, Dodds."

"Right," he said softly. "I just thought I prepared myself…"

Olivia smiled sadly at the young sergeant. "Mike, I've been doing this for, what, eighteen? Nineteen years? You'd be surprised how many times I'm not prepared for these stories. The day I don't find it hard…that's the day I need to walk away."

Mike let out a little grunt, but shot Olivia an appreciative smile. "You just might be the most admired person in the NYPD, Lieutenant Benson."

"That's kind of you to say."

Dodds shrugged and stood up. "It's the truth," he said. "I'll, uh, be at my desk."

"Go get some fresh air first, Sergeant," Olivia advised. "Clear your head. Then be at your desk."

* * *

"Hey," Olivia said, as she rushed into the designated coffee shop and sauntered up to Ed. She kissed him on the cheek before sliding into the booth and catching her breath.

"Hey yourself," Ed said with a tiny smirk. "I ordered ya the usual…hope that was okay."

"More than okay," she said, setting her phone face up on the little table top yet still giving Ed her undivided attention. "Thank you."

"Of course," he responded simply.

They sat in silence for a few moments before Olivia's eyes narrowed as she observed Ed. He was fidgety. He would clip and unclip his watch, wiggle a little and adjust his tie and the collar of his shirt, then move to rearrange the condiments that sat up against the wall on the end of their table.

"Ed," Olivia finally said, reaching across and grasping his hands. "What is it?"

Ed stilled and flipped his hands upwards so he could grasp Olivia's fingers back. "Just nervous," he finally admitted. "I want a short conversation. No questions. And for us to get the hell out of there."

Letting out a little chuckle, Olivia moved to respond but was interrupted by Ed's name being called up at the counter.

"I got it," he said quickly, hopping up and grabbing their drinks. He gently set the saucers and mugs down and ran back up to grab a couple of extra napkins. "Here."

"Thank you," Olivia said softly, ignoring the drink in front of her and instead staring at her boyfriend. "It'll be okay, Ed."

He grunted. "You sound so confident."

"I'm not," Olivia admitted with a shrug, looking down at her drink as she asked her next question. "But…are you planning on ending this relationship if things go south in that office?"

Ed almost choked on his drink. "What?" His blue eyes were wide and his tone was incredulous. "What the hell, Liv?"

"Unless you're planning to leave me if something goes wrong in a few minutes," Olivia began, with a slightly wavering voice but a confident tone, "then, no. I'm not confident how it will go, but at least I know I'll still have you."

"I'm never leaving you," Ed growled, moving their drinks and grasping her hands once again. "Ever." He paused and clicked his tongue a few times, but didn't take his eyes off of Olivia. There mere thought of leaving her, losing her, made him want to vomit. "I just hope…I hope they go easy on us, that's all. I want this, us, our relationship, to be the one easy thing in your life."

Olivia went to respond but her phone buzzed on the table. She quickly picked up and after a few words, hung up. "They are ready for us," she said, gathering her bag and taking a few quick sips of her drink. "Wasted coffee…"

"Ah," Ed said, brushing it off and putting his hand on her lower back as they exited. "The coffee was merely a formality. Like something we were just supposed to do while waiting."

Olivia laughed as they ambled down the sidewalk. They paused before crossing the street and entering the NYPD building, and Olivia kissed his lips softly. "I love you, Captain Tucker."

Ed smiled and twirled a strand of her hair. "Love you too," he said. "Come on. Let's go tell them that."

Twenty minutes later, Ed and Olivia were seated on hard, black plastic chairs as they looked across the table at the Chief of Detectives. After Chief Muldrew retired, there had been an interim candidate before finally James Sciano was named into the role. Olivia hadn't had much contact with him, as Chief Dodds served as a middle man, but it was clear that Ed knew him a little bit.

"Well," the man said, rubbing his bald head and readjusting his glasses. "Can't say I'm surprised. There's been chatter."

Olivia had to fight not to reach over to grip Ed's hands, as she saw him tense up at the mention of the NYPD rumor mill.

"We wanted to…wait," she said, choosing her words carefully. "But it was time."

Sciano looked over to Ed, seemingly ignoring Olivia's presence for the moment. "Captain Tucker, you sure about this?"

Ed's face scrunched up in confused. "Excuse me?"

Glancing at Olivia then setting his sights back on Ed, the chief tapped his pen a bit before continuing. "There's room for this to be conflict of interest," he explained. "Not at the moment, of course, but down the road…IAB and SVU have clashed on more than one occasion."

"I'd recuse myself," Ed said simply. "Step aside. Let Draper handle it."

"Lieutenant, can you give us a second?" Sciano nodded towards the door as Olivia's jaw dropped.

"No," Ed said, answering for her and grasping her fingers. "There's no reason this conversation should not include Olivia. Say what you have to say, Chief."

"Fine," he said. "I know that I'm new here, but I'm well aware of the lieutenant's history of dating those she works with…"

"Excuse me?" Olivia butted in, shocked and incredulous that the chief brought her personal life into this conversation. But before she could launch into a tirade, Ed squeezed her hand.

"All due respect, Chief Sciano," Ed began, leaning forward and giving him the classic Ed Tucker IAB stare. "Her past is none of your business. It is not only irrelevant to this conversation, but it's incredibly inappropriate for you to bring it up." Ed's voice kept getting louder and more firm as he words came out. "You don't want this conversation leaving this room, do ya?"

Chief Sciano stared down Ed before sitting back and shrugging. "Fine," he said, glancing over at Olivia who was seething. "Like I said, this could bring trouble down the road. But now that we know what's going on, we can navigate. It would be easier if both of you could be in units that don't typically clash, but for now," he wrote a couple of notes down and closed his leather bound notebook. "You two are in the clear. Good luck to you both."

Nodding at the couple, Sciano stood and exited quickly, leaving an irate Ed Tucker and a stunned Olivia Benson behind. They were silent for a few minutes before they quickly gathered their things and left the building, still not saying a word. Ed held tightly to Olivia's hand as he led her out of the building, down the stairs, and into a cab that conveniently passed by right as he threw his hand up.

As soon as they were settled in the back seat, Ed threw his head back. "That bastard," he seethed. "I can't…how dare he…"

"Ed," Olivia said, reaching out for his arm and trying to still his movements. "It's…just let it go. It's not worth it."

Ed looked over at Olivia and she saw a myriad of emotions pouring from his face. "I don't," he said, breathing deeply to try and calm down. "I hate thinking of you with…them," he began. "But for Sciano to use that…in an official conversation…"

"I know…" Olivia said, her voice low. Ed could detect a hint of embarrassment and it about killed him.

"Don't," he said. "Don't go there. Fuck Sciano."

Olivia gave him a small smile, appreciative of his effort.

"And," Ed finally said, allowing his smirk to return. "We. Have. The. Green. Light."

That did it. Olivia finally loosened up and gave him a smile that light up her entire face as she pulled him over to her by his tie and planted her lips firmly to his.

"Do you have to go back in," he asked, though his words came out more as mumbled sounds because Olivia was still attacking his lips.

She shook her head before pulling back briefly for air. "Noah's at daycare…"

"Oh hell yes," Ed said, encouraging the taxi driver to hit the gas before pulling Olivia back into his arms to continue their midday, back of a cab make out session.


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

"_Ed._"

Olivia was panting, her arms moving frantically to grasp anything she could as Ed moved furiously on top of her. As soon as they got back to her apartment after disclosing, Ed wasted no time pinning her against the door and kissing her slowly and deeply. He would never admit it, and she would never push, but Olivia could tell that Sciano bringing up her past relationships had upset him. Both professionally and personally, as she knew he hated to think about her with other men, particularly Brian Cassidy. Her hand had remained tightly in his grasp the entire cab ride back and she noticed his chest puff out occasionally as he would exhale, a signal she had come to recognize as Ed trying to regain control of something that had emotionally poked him.

Knowing it was the middle of the day, Olivia worried less about how loud they were being as she imagined most, if not all, of her neighbors were at work. She allowed herself to completely focus on how Ed was making her feel, and she let out shrieks and screams as he would change up angles or bite at her skin. As the couple hurdled towards their climax, they both let out loud, carnal cries before collapsing against each other to catch their breath.

"God damn," Ed panted, tightening his hold on Olivia's sweaty body and pressing his face into her hair. The couple laid in silence for a little bit, content to hold each other and come down from a euphoric high.

Finally, Olivia fidgeted slightly and placed a kiss on Ed's chest. "Feel better?"

"Never felt bad," Ed quipped, knowing Olivia would call him in the lie.

She just grunted. "Try again, Captain."

"Relieved we disclosed," he commented. "No more sneaking around…"

"Well," Olivia said slowly, "it's not like we were really sneaking around the last few months…"

Ed chuckled. "True." He bent his neck so he could kiss Olivia's lips and smiled softly at her, running the pad of his index finger along her cheek.

"You make me happier than Brian Cassidy ever could," she whispered, correctly sensing Ed was not going to bring it up, but as his smile grew, Olivia knew she made the right decision bringing it up herself.

"Haden?"

Olivia blinked a few times. "He…well, it was just never going to work."

"But he made ya happy? Treated ya well?"

"He did," Olivia allowed. "But…it was never…_this_."

Ed continued to stare at Olivia, his eyes raking over all of her features. "As much as I hate thinking about ya with him…I hate thinking about ya being alone even more…"

Olivia's face softened even more as she let his words sink in. She could feel the depth of Ed's love for her grow daily, but that statement hit her harder than most. It revealed how not only he loved her, but how selfless his love for her was. Reaching up to his face, Olivia copied his previous movements and traced his rugged cheek bones with her fingers. "You…you are everything, Ed," she finally said, unable to think of anything else to say. Her voice lowered to a whisper as she eyed his lips. "Everything."

Several make out sessions later, Olivia reluctantly pulled away from Ed ever so slightly and checked her phone. "Ugh," she said. "Fin…"

Ed groaned and tickled her spine as she listened to the voicemail, smirking as he saw the goosebumps form on her skin. She shot him a look and stood up, moving to find her clothes as she called Fin back.

"Yeah," she finally said after listening to his updates. "No, it's fine, I'll come in for a bit. Just give me half an hour. Okay. Yeah. Just…keep her there."

She turned around and almost laughed at how pathetic Ed looked, still laying naked in her bed, only now he was pouting.

"Poor thing," she muttered, holding her arms out to help him up. "Come on," she said. "I need to shower."

Ed diligently followed her, happy for a few more minutes, but he knew the shower had to be quick and wouldn't involve sex. As the warm water streamed over them, he was happy to just have her in his arms, kissing at her shoulders as she lathered and rinsed her body.

"Probably not gonna see ya tonight, huh?"

Olivia let out a soft sigh and turned around in his arms. She rubbed his biceps and kissed his collarbone. "Probably not," she finally responded. "Noah needs to stay in his routine. And, Ed, I'm not sure you need to leave your kids for the night right now."

Ed nodded and pulled Olivia tightly into his chest. "I don't," he said. "I…Emma…that scared me, Liv."

"It did me too," she admitted, content to keep her head against his shoulder as they swayed under the shower head. "I feel awful she was alone for that."

Ed took a deep breath. "I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions," he finally said, careful to make sure it didn't make Olivia feel guilty about wanting time with him. But she understood.

"I know. I feel the same way, and I'm not even their parent."

Ed let out another sigh and squeezed Olivia tighter for a few more minutes, before shutting off the water and reaching for the towels.

"We'll figure it out, baby," he said confidently, drying her off before drying himself. "It'll just take time. Patience."

Olivia gave him a sad smile. "Lotta people in your life require your patience," she whispered. "Your kids…your job…me."

Ed shook his head and kissed her lips. "Uh uh," he said. "Don't do that. You, Olivia Benson, are worth every bit of time and patience it takes…and will take…to make this work."

"I…" she began, swallowing hard. She wanted to end this heavy conversation before going to work, but she felt things were still up in the air. "It has to work, Ed," she finally said. "I need it…I need you."

"You have me," he growled. "I'm yours until you kick me out. And even then…"

Olivia finally laughed as Ed smirked at her. He always knew the exact moment to move their conversation from serious to light hearted.

"Alright," he said reluctantly. "Get dressed. Go to work. I'm gonna pop into the office as well, and I'll call ya tonight?"

Smiling, Olivia kissed his lips and reached for her under garments.

"Sounds good."

* * *

"Where ya want it?" Ed asked as he entered Nate's apartment with the last of the boxes they brought over from the storage unit.

"Just drop it in my room," Nate said, breaking down an empty box and looking around the place with his hands on his hips. "I'm kinda wiped…"

"Me too," Ed exclaimed, wiping his brow and collapsing onto the dark gray futon. "Shoulda found ya an elevator building."

Nate laughed and plopped down next to Ed, propping his feet on a box that sat where a coffee table should go. The father-son duo sat in silence for a little while. It was a comfortable silence, not one in which either man felt like they needed to say something. It was a silence that Ed and Nate shared together often; they enjoyed being together, and often didn't need words to express that. Ed and Nate Tucker genuinely enjoyed each other's company, particularly as Nate got older. Eventually, though, Ed wanted to talk to his son.

"How ya feelin' about being back?"

Nate chewed on his lip, a habit Ed assumed he had picked up from Emma. "Its strange," he admitted. "In a way, it feels exactly the same as last year. But…"

"Nate, I want you to do what you want and need to do," Ed began, reaching out to squeeze his son's shoulder. "And if what you want and need changes, at any point, you let me know. Because then we'll make some changes. Okay?"

Nate nodded, but didn't respond. Ed studied his face closely.

"Your mom come up here much last year?"

"A couple of times," Nate said. "She and Emma came to a game last fall. Stayed the weekend and showed her around campus. It was fun. She came up a couple times in the spring, but the football weekend was probably the best."

Ed nodded and kept his eyes on Nate, making sure he wasn't upsetting him more than he should. But the younger version of Ed Tucker seemed okay. "She was real proud of ya," he allowed. "You knew that, right?"

"Yeah," Nate whispered, giving Ed a sad smile. "She told me all the time. Called me her 'Ivy League Son.' And gave me everything I ever needed. You both did."

"We're _both_ proud of you, Nate."

A lone tear made it's way down Nate's face. "Part of me wants to leave Stanford. Go back east so I'm closer to Emma. You. But…I also…she was so proud that I got into Stanford. I wanna make her proud…"

Ed felt his own tears stinging in the back of his eyes. Despite how their split had happened, and the way Suzanne had destroyed his trust in people, she had always been a good mother to their kids. Even at the peak of their conflict, after the divorce yet before Ed found a groove with having his kids over, he knew deep down that she was a good mother. It was devastating for him to watch his children deal with such a traumatic loss.

"Nate," he whispered, leaning forward on his elbows and making sure to keep eye contact with his son. "She's always gonna be proud of you. Stanford or not. She loved you."

Nate closed his eyes and allowed his head to drop and Ed reached out to squeeze his shoulder again. "What is it, son?"

Shaking his head and once more biting his lip, Nate struggled to keep his emotions in check. Once he had successfully pushed them down, he looked up to Ed with blue eyes filled with guilt. "I shoulda been there," he said so softly, Ed barely heard him. "Bailey and I, well, I was supposed to take her home but we ended up parking somewhere and…I just shoulda been there."

Ed felt his heart crack, but kept the emotions off of his face so Nate wouldn't shut down. "Nate, this isn't your fault. There's nothing you coulda done."

"I could've been there. Gotten Emma out of the house…get the gun from Chris…just…I should've been there. And I was too busy, ya know, and I…I let them down."

"Look at me," Ed said firmly, moving from the couch to sit on the box right in front of Nate. "This is not your fault. It's not. Your. Fault. Not Emma's. And not your mother's. This…Chris did this. And, if you had been home? You couldn't have stopped him."

"Emma…she was alone. And now…"

"I know," Ed said softly, trying not to think about how terrified his daughter must have been and focus on his son. "And…we're gonna help her. But don't blame yourself."

"Right," Nate said, letting out a deep breath.

"It'll take time," Ed allowed. "We'll getcha there. It's gonna be okay, kid."

Nate looked up at Ed and gave him a small smile. "Thanks, dad."

Ed slapped his thighs and heard a crunch right before the box he was sitting on semi collapsed and caused him to fall into a pile of Nate's packed belongings. Nate burst into laughter and stood up to help his father out of the box. They both laughed and embraced, grateful for the reprieve from heavy emotions.

After a long embrace, Ed pulled back and slapped Nate on the back. "Come on," he said. "Show me one of your favorite places to eat."

* * *

Carisi's head popped up as he saw a young girl shuffle off of the elevator and into the squad room. She appeared nervous, but not lost, as she looked around. He stood up and slowly approached her.

"Can I help you?" He asked, using his softest voice, typically reserved for victims. The girl looked up at him and gave him a soft smile.

"I'm looking for Olivia?" Her blue eyes were wide as they darted around.

"What's your name?" He knew that Olivia typically appreciated her detectives vetting people before allowing them into her office, which Carisi took very seriously.

"Oh," she said, shaking her head. "I'm Emma. Emma Tucker. She's expecting me…"

Carisi's eyes widened in realization. "Oh! Sorry, Emma," he said. "Didn't mean to quiz ya. She's right in there." He pointed towards her half open door. Emma thanked him and slowly walked through the squad room. Rollins' eyes followed her movements, but Emma didn't notice. She merely slid into Olivia's office.

"That Tucker's daughter?" Amanda asked Carisi quietly once he returned to his desk.

"Yep," he said. "Has his eyes, for sure. IAB-ish."

Rollins let out a laugh and shook her head. "Okay…"

Olivia was finishing up an email when she heard the soft knock on her door. She looked up just in time for Emma to slip in.

"Hey, Emma," Olivia said, hitting send before tossing her glasses and standing up, a warm smile spreading across her face. "Thanks for coming by."

"Sure," Emma said, looking around Olivia's office. "It's kinda cool to see where you work."

"I just need to finish up a few things," Olivia said, gesturing to the couch in her office. "Make yourself comfortable? A couple minutes then we can get out of here."

"Okay," Emma said. She sat on the couch and continued to admire the Lieutenant's office until Olivia finally closed her laptop.

"Alright kiddo," she said, packing up her bag but leaving her computer. "Let's go spring Noah, shall we?"

The duo bid goodbye to the detectives and headed out into the warm afternoon. It was pushing evening hours, but given it was late summer, the daytime lasted longer. They quickly decided to get Noah, stop for an iced coffee, and then spend some time in the park until dinner. Once they situated themselves on the grass, Noah busied himself with a wooden truck and Olivia was able to quiz Emma about her day.

Ed had been gone for a few days now and despite Olivia's worry that Emma would be uncomfortable with the arrangement, they had managed to have a good time together. After the first day, which had been slightly awkward, they had eased into a routine. Olivia regularly found the two of them laughing or debating over the latest headline, whether serious or funny. They weekend had given way to a work week, however her and Emma would occasionally check in on each other via text and when Olivia had arrived home on Monday, Lucy had already dropped off Noah, a casserole was in the oven, and the two of them were cuddled on the couch watching Moana.

Olivia had decided to shake it up that Tuesday. She took Noah to daycare, left Emma a year-old gift card she had to a clothing store, and told Emma to go nuts and then come by the 1-6 that evening and they could leave together. Though having only spent four days in Olivia's care, Emma's face lit up at the opportunity to see more into the older woman's life. It gave Olivia a true hope that the young girl was finally loosening up around her and that perhaps they were turning a corner.

"I got ya something!" Emma exclaimed suddenly, as if she had just remembered her purchase. She dug through her tote bag and pulled out a small box, handing it to Olivia. Olivia took a quick peak to make sure Noah was still occupied and then opened the box.

"Emma," she gasped. "These are beautiful."

Emma reached over and helped her pull the earrings out of the box. They were simple, gold earrings with a small, tear drop shaped, turquoise stone that hung down. "The guy said this was the last pair left in this collection. He told me all the stones had been different. Not sure why these didn't sell, because they are gorgeous, but perhaps they were meant to be yours."

Olivia swallowed hard, as she felt a rush of emotion begin to surface at the gesture. She fingered the earrings, tracing over each portion before turning to Emma and smiling at her.

"Thank you, sweetheart," she said, her voice slightly shaky. "I love them. And you, well, this means so much to me."

Emma reached over and hugged Olivia's neck; it was rare for the young Tucker to be the one to instigate a hug. Olivia's eyes closed as she gave her a firm squeeze before they both retreated back to their spot on the blanket and focused more on Noah.

"Did you get anything for yourself?" Olivia finally quizzed, once she got her emotions in check.

"Of course," Emma said with a laugh. "Some dark jeans, these cool strappy shoes, and a couple tops. Oh! And a hat. I'll show you when we get home."

Again, Olivia's heart soared as Emma referred to them both going "home." She knew it was still too far off to really merge their families, but the few days she had with Emma gave her immense hope that perhaps it could happen sooner rather than later.

A boisterous crowd came barging down the sidewalk, emerging from one of the more wooded areas of the park. Their blanket was situated far enough from the sidewalk that the crowd wouldn't run into them, but close enough that their yelling was right in their ears. At first, both Emma and Olivia rolled their eyes and Olivia scooted Noah closer to them out of caution. But as the crowd got closer, the sound of a glass bottle breaking on the concrete rang throughout the area. All three of them jumped, Noah scrambling into his mother's lap. As Olivia went to soothe him, she looked over at Emma and saw that the girl's face had gone totally pale and she was frozen, staring wide-eyed into the grass.

"Emma?" Olivia said softly, reaching out to gently touch her arm, but Emma jumped again. Olivia turned and glared at the group, though their backs were now to the trio as they continued along the path, drifting further and further away. She reached into Noah's bag and grabbed a bottle of water. "Emma? Here," she said, unscrewing the cap. "Can you drink some of this?"

Emma didn't budge, so Olivia put the bottle down and just sat next to her, gently holding her hand. After a few minutes, Emma took a breath and without moving her eyes, spoke to Olivia in a soft, hoarse voice. "Get me out of here."

Olivia's heart cracked, but she wasted no time. Within minutes, she had packed up their stuff, put Noah in the stroller, and was gently guiding Emma out of the park.

"Walk or Uber?" She asked, unsure whether the fresh air would help or if the crowded sidewalks would make it worse.

"Uber…"

Olivia called for the Uber, pocketed her phone, and pulled Emma into her side. She held her closely with one arm, the other gripping Noah's stroller as they waited for the car.

"You're okay, Emma," she whispered, kissing the side of her head. "I'm right here. You're okay."

* * *

Several hours later, Olivia was reclined on Ed's couch with her feet on the coffee table while Emma slept on a pillow against her thigh. Noah was slumbering peacefully, curled up on Ed's oversized chair and the television, set to an HGTV show, illuminated the room softly. With everyone out cold, Olivia took a chance and dialed Ed.

"Hey babe," he said.

"Hey yourself." Olivia's voice was barely over a whisper which Ed picked up on quickly.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah," she said softly. "Kids are asleep with me in the living room, and I don't wanna wake them."

Ed smiled at the thought. "How was the day?"

"It was good for the most part," she responded honestly. "Had a little issue at the park. Loud group of kids broke a bottle behind us…Emma froze up. But I think we're good now."

Ed rubbed his face slightly and let out a sigh. "I'm worried about both of them."

"I know," Olivia said, thinking back to an earlier conversation they had about Nate and his self-blame. "I get you don't wanna hear this, but it just takes time and patience."

"I guess," Ed responded. "But…they will never get over this."

"Maybe not," Olivia mused and shrugged her shoulders, though Ed couldn't see her gesture. "But it gets, well, not easier. But it lessens and the hard becomes less frequent."

"Yeah…"

"Ed, I told Emma a little bit about my mom," she said, almost nervously as if Ed would be upset with her. "She was so mad at herself for reacting that way to the glass breaking. So I shared with her a little bit. Told her that often noises like that can still trigger me too."

Ed let out another sigh. He desperately wanted to be with Olivia in that moment. He wanted to hold her close, kiss her head, and let her know she was safe and loved, and would stay that way forever if she would allow it. But he couldn't, so he settled for a simple "thank you."

"Of course," she said. "I…she's finally opening up to me."

Ed let out a soft chuckle. "Obviously if she's asleep on the couch with ya…"

Olivia smiled and looked down at Emma, her face was finally relaxed and serene. She softly moved her long brown locks out of her face, hoping not to cause her to stir. "You raised two great kids," she said simply. "Hard not to fall in love with them…"

"Well, perhaps I'm biased but…"

"Nate doing any better?"

"I think so. I went with him to talk to one of the counseling centers. They'll match him with a therapist, and the school has a grant so it is all free. Sounds like there are some support groups too, when he gets ready."

"Glad you decided to stay until his roommates get there."

"Me too," Ed admitted. "But I'm missing you."

"We miss you too," Olivia whispered. "But…we'll see ya soon."

Emma stirred slightly, rolling onto her back and stretching slightly, letting out a soft whimper.

"I better go," Olivia said.

"Call me later if you can," Ed said.

"I'll at least text."

"I love you, Olivia. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me…and I love you too."

Olivia ended the call, placed her phone on the side table, and adjusted the blanket that covered Emma's body. Once she was assured the young girl was back asleep, Olivia rested her head against the back of the couch and watched the latest home renovation show until she, too, drifted off.

* * *

_**Sorry for the delay - hope you're all still with me! Gotta wonder what's coming down the pipeline next, huh.**_


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

_"__Hey Liv, it's Ed. Just saying hey. Call me when you can."_

Ed hung up the phone and checked the time. He had assumed Olivia would have a few moments around lunch time, but that apparently wasn't the case. It had been a few days since they had spoken in a way that wasn't text, and he was craving the sound of her voice.

It had been over a month since returning from dropping Nate off in California, and time was barreling forward at what Ed deemed a startling rate. Emma started her senior year at a brand new school: a private school in Manhattan, where she would have greater access to resources and a small student-teacher ratio to ensure a smooth-as-possible transition. The school required uniforms, unlike her school in Los Angeles, so Olivia offered to accompany her to pick out different versions she could wear each day, as Ed continued to despise shopping. Along with the practical side of preparing for the school year came a good amount of anxiety, and although Emma weathered it quietly and bravely, Ed was preferring to spend his evenings at home with her. Overall, she seemed to be doing better. Occasionally Ed would notice a distant look on her face, but as long as he or Olivia were there to give her a sense of grounding, Emma seemed to come out of it easily. She was regularly attending therapy, practicing the techniques she was taught, and genuinely building her relationship with Olivia, which gave Ed a tremendous amount of hope that someday they could all be together permanently.

With the return to a new sense of normal, Ed was finding the balancing act to be difficult. The first couple of weeks upon his return from California seemed easy. It was clear that Olivia and Emma were getting along, and the four of them would regularly meet for dinner or a weekend activity. However, once the school year began, Emma found herself buried in school work, Ed was hopelessly trying to remember Calculus, and the last few dinners had been canceled by Olivia due to the usual, back to school outbreak of SVU cases. Ed found himself missing Olivia fiercely, but unable to find a remedy.

It wasn't that the couple didn't prioritize their relationship, but they both recognized how out of sync their lives had become and made conscious decisions to focus on kids. The problem now, however, was that they had focused so much of their time on their children, that Ed was desperately missing his girlfriend.

"Tucker?"

Ed's head popped up as his partner interrupted his misery.

"Gotta officer involved shooting," he said, holding a radio that was loudly broadcasting various codes. "Let's go."

Ed nodded and closed his laptop. He grabbed his suit jacket, pocketed his phone, and hurried after Cole. As he was jogging towards the cruiser, he didn't notice the vibration in his chest pocket.

_"__Ed, hey, it's me. I'm sorry I missed you earlier…just wanted to say hi. Miss your voice. Call when you can."_

Olivia tapped her pen on her desk as the ended the call. Tossing her glasses on top of her semi-closed laptop, she spun her desk chair around and stared out at the city skyline. In the same sense as Ed was focusing on his kids and their adjustment, Olivia was prioritizing Noah and his routine. After a rough few months over the summer, she was determined to have dinner with him at least four nights a week and be the one to tuck him in every night, if possible. Lucy was happy to have more regular hours and Noah's happiness seemed to be thriving now that his mother was around more frequently.

Ed and Emma would come over some evenings, and Noah delighted in the extra attention. The little boy was also warming up to Emma more and more. Noah had immediately bonded to Nate, but it took more work with Emma. Now that she was a semi-regular figure in his life, Noah was gravitating to her more and more.

Checking the time, Olivia realized Emma should just be getting out of school and gave her a call since Ed wasn't available.

"Hi Olivia!"

"Hey Emma," Olivia said softly, still staring out over the city. "How are you?"

"Good," she responded. Olivia could hear the sound of cars and horns in the background and correctly assumed Emma was walking back to the apartment. "Just got off the train, so good timing. What's up?"

"Oh nothing," Olivia said nonchalantly. "Tried your dad, he didn't answer, so I gave up on him and called you. Lots of homework?"

"Some. Not much. I got ahead over the weekend."

"I was thinking of heading out early to get Noah. Wanna come over? I need to figure out a Halloween costume and I'm, well, not very creative," Olivia admitted sheepishly. But with that admission was a tiny bit of selfishness, as it was a good excuse to get Emma over, which would in turn bring Ed along later.

Emma laughed a little bit and shuffled the phone around. "Sure! Half an hour?"

"Perfect. Let yourself in if I'm not there."

Smiling, Emma thought back to when Olivia gave both her and Ed a key to her apartment the previous week. "Awesome. See you soon."

Hanging up, Olivia couldn't help but let a smile grow on her face as well. For once in her life, things were falling into place. It was hard and took a lot of juggling and prioritizing, but it was working. She quickly gathered her stuff, checked in with Rollins, and hurried out of the squad room, anxious to spend time with her son and Emma.

* * *

"I hate cases like these," Ed mumbled to Cole as they trudged out of the emergency room and towards their cruiser. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his overcoat and let out a huff.

Officers, responding to a shooting on a playground outside of a project area in Brooklyn, had arrived to the scene and immediately bullets flew at them. Both officers had ducked behind the doors of their cruiser and fired back. The shootout lasted not even a minute, but by the end of it, two of the shooters from the playground were down. Unfortunately, so was a fourteen year old boy who was unarmed.

"Kid was ducked under playground equipment," Cole said, shaking his head. "Just…wrong place, wrong time."

"Yeah, there's not much justice here…for anyone involved." Ed tossed Cole the keys. "I don't wanna drive," he mumbled, searching for his phone as he wanted to check in with his own kids before repeating his earlier sentiment. "I hate cases like these…"

Cole started the car and eyed his partner. To the outside observer, Ed was poised and together. His face was tense and his eyes were piercing, the typical Ed Tucker IAB persona. He had asked tough questions, taken both guns and shields, and didn't give away any kind of emotion he felt about the case. But Cole knew better and he heard the hints of compassion in Ed's voice as he spoke with the officers as well as a few witnesses.

"Ya mind if I call Liv? Looks like Emma's over there…wanna let 'em know I'll be a while…"

"Of course," Cole said, starting the car and slowly weaving into traffic. "Tell her hi for me."

Ed spoke softly to Olivia for a few minutes and chuckled as she listed off her pathetic ideas for Noah's costume. "Good thing ya have Emma," he said. "Save Noah from the embarrassment." He listened and made a few noises as Olivia spoke to him. Cole could see his smile out of the corner of his eyes, before his face fell slightly. "I dunno how long I'll be," he finally admitted. "I'll check in later? Okay. Yeah. Good idea, she'll like that. Love you, Liv. Bye."

Ed dropped his phone in his lap and stared out the front windshield, jaw tightened until Cole tried to break the ice.

"So, what's Benson tryin' to dress Noah up as?"

Ed smiled. "All she had was a pumpkin or Mr Potato Head," he said through his chuckling. "Emma to the rescue."

"They seem to be getting along?"

"Yeah," Ed said. "Was bumpy for a bit, but we're settling in. Trying not to get my hopes up here…"

"Ah, let yourself hope," Cole said, shrugging as he parallel parked outside of their office. "Gotta be helping Emma to have her around."

"Oh yeah," Ed said, tightening his jacket as they made their way up the stairs, steps in stride. "Liv said she's staying over tonight."

"Probably a good thing," Cole said as he opened the door and saw a herd of reporters. "This'll be a long night…"

Ed grunted and tried to push thoughts of his family down so he could do his job, but he couldn't help but occasionally think back to bullets flying towards his daughter as he started interviewing the officers. His job had never been easy, but it was beginning to feel near impossible.

* * *

Olivia and Emma were sprawled on the couch, half empty Chinese food containers on the coffee table while Noah worked to put a wooden puzzle together on the floor.

"The only decent idea you've had is police officer," Emma said, lovingly ribbing Olivia.

She just groaned. "I know," she moaned. "I'm not meant for this. Poor Noah. There's no hope for him…"

"Aw, come on," Emma said, elbowing Olivia and causing her to sit up straighter. "Here. 'The 50 Best Costumes For Toddlers.' Has to have something, right?"

"Right," Olivia said nodding, leaning over and watching as Emma slowly scrolled down. She grabbed the phone and zoomed in. "Ohmigosh," she gasped. "Edamame. How cute."

Emma chuckled and eyed Noah. "Think he'd forgive us in ten years if we dressed him as a soy bean?"

Olivia let out a hearty laugh, one Emma heard very rarely, and it made the young girl smile. "Perhaps not," Olivia admitted. "But just…it's so cute." They continued to scroll through, nothing jumping out, until Olivia finally stopped her. "Look," she exclaimed, pointing to a picture of a little kid dressed as a train engineer, in a wagon that was made to look like a train engine. "Noah loves trains!"

Emma zoomed in at different angles and nodded. "That's doable. We just need cardboard to make up his little wagon." She paused and looked around. "Do you even have a wagon?"

Olivia laughed. "Well, no…"

Emma just shrugged. "Fixable," she said simply. "Let's order the costume!"

Smiling, Olivia got up to grab her wallet. "If you dad asks, we came up with this all on our own."

"Deal," Emma said, happy to conspire with Olivia. It felt good. "Noah," she called, moving to the floor with her phone. "Want to be a train engineer for Halloween?"

"Tain!" Noah exclaimed, pointing at the phone. "I be tain!"

"Well, close," Emma said, giggling. "You'll drive the train."

"I be tain!"

Giving up, Emma pulled Noah into her lap and cuddled him, before helping him finish the puzzle. "Sure, fine, you 'be tain.'"

Olivia looked on lovingly as she plopped onto the couch, pulled out her laptop, and typed in the web address to make the purchase. As she clicked around, glasses perched on her nose, she eyed Noah. "Almost bath time, sweet boy," she said. "Let Mommy finish this and we'll get in the tub."

"Ba! Em! Em, ba!"

"I can do his bath, Olivia," Emma offered graciously. "You can just relax."

Olivia, not wanting to squash Emma's offer, but also wanting to be with her son, offered a compromise. "How about we both do it," she said. "Then we can get him in bed, check in with your dad, and pick a movie?"

"Sounds perfect."

* * *

It was after midnight when Ed quietly unlocked Olivia's apartment and crept in. He hung his coat on the hook by the door, toed off his shoes, and tip-toed into the living room, expecting to see Emma asleep on the couch and the lights dimmed.

He was correct. He smiled, adjusted Emma's blanket, and continued his quiet walk back to Olivia's bedroom. She was perched on the bed with the bedside lamp dimmed as she read. Ed smiled, knelt on the bed, took her glasses off and kissed her nose, then her cheeks, and finally her lips.

"Hi," she whispered, tossing her book to the side and grabbing at his ears, pulling her lips back to hers. "Welcome home," she said. "Or, well, welcome to my bed…"

Ed groaned and playfully fell on top of her. "Mmmmm, your bed can be home…"

Olivia giggled as Ed nipped at her neck, allowing his nose and lips to tickle her skin. "Emma asleep?"

Ed continued to suck and kiss at her neck while his hands crept up her t-shirt and lightly caressed her ribcage. "Like a light," he reported. He brushed his thumbs over her nipples before pulling up slightly. "Shower? I missed you."

Grinning, Olivia allowed Ed to pull her up and lead her into the bathroom, tossing their clothes to the floor along the way.

Half an hour later, Ed and Olivia were cuddled together in the middle of her bed. Ed was running his fingers along her lower back while she tickled his sides lightly, head resting on his peck.

"Get Halloween figured out?" Ed's voice was almost a mumble as he found himself totally relaxed by Olivia's touch.

"Yeah," she whispered. "I need to buy a wagon…"

Ed scrunched his face up in confusion, but just shrugged, kissed Olivia's head, and said they'd run out the next day. Despite his relaxed state, Olivia detected that not all was well in his tone.

"What's going on, Ed,?"

He chuckled and kissed her head. "Can't get much by you, huh."

"No," she said. "Talk to me."

"Ah, just a tough case," he said, knowing he couldn't disclose much, but Olivia had heard enough chatter to have an idea of what he spoke about. "Havin' a tough time keepin' my head. Usually better at separating my personal shit."

"Ed, it's been a really tough year," Olivia said, sitting up and stroking his face. "You are human. You're allowed to have feelings."

"The more I heard the statements, the story, the more I pictured bullets flying at my kid," he admitted, surprising both himself and Olivia at his raw honesty. But Olivia didn't miss a beat.

"I'd be surprised if you didn't, honey," she said gently. "But your kid is safe and out there on my couch asleep. She had a good night tonight. We laughed a lot. Cut yourself some slack."

Ed was quiet as he stared into Olivia's eyes while she hovered over him. Her hair was pulled back in a clip with a few loose, wet strands clinging to her neck. His eyes traced a line across her freckled face as he worked to memorize every single detail of Olivia Benson. Without thinking, he blurted out, "I don't know if I can live without you."

As soon as the words left his mouth Ed tensed, afraid he went to far and that it would scare Olivia, but she didn't flinch. A small smile spread across her face and she kissed his lips before settling back into his chest.

"Sorry," Ed whispered. "I don't wanna freak ya out."

"You didn't," she said before chuckling. "I know, I'm surprised too. But, with you…" Her voice trailed off as she tried desperately to get closer to Ed. He patiently scratched her head and waited for her to collect thoughts. "I trust you," she said simply. "I _trust_ you…more than I've ever trusted anyone. Maybe all this shit…everything we've dealt with…the darkness we see at work…I don't know what it is, but I trust you. And that trust…takes away some of the fear."

Ed worked to blink back tears as he listened to her words. He'd never felt prouder, and more important, than in that exact moment. Not sure what else to say and feeling exhaustion begin to take over his body, Ed held Olivia as tightly as he could and repeatedly kissed her head.

"I love you," he said. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Ed," Olivia said, patting his chest and pulling the blanket up and over their bodies. "Get some sleep."

* * *

Emma startled awake and had to take a few minutes to remember where she was. She groggily sat up on the couch, rubbed her eyes, and shakily stood up. Not feeling steady on her feet, she held onto the back of the couch and reached out to lean onto the wall as she made her way to the bathroom. She noticed the light was off in Olivia's room as she made her way into the bathroom and quietly closed the door. The clock over the toilet read three-oh-seven and the young girl shook her head, immediately regretting it as she felt the room spin. She used the bathroom, washed her hands, then splashed cold water on her face. Emma reached up and opened the medicine cabinet, grabbing her prescription from the top shelf where Olivia had put it to keep it out of Noah's reach. She shook a few extra pills into her hand, popped them in her mouth, and washed them down with water from one of the paper cups Olivia kept by the sink for Noah to use. Tossing the cup into the trash, Emma braced herself against the counter top with both hands and stared at herself in the mirror.

"Pull it together," she whispered as she took in her appearance. Dark, puffy circles appeared under reddened eyes, and her skin was paler than normal. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, willing the drugs to kick in sooner rather than later. Finally feeling like she had a little more control of herself, she stumbled back down the hall and collapsed on the couch, staring blankly at the ceiling. As she felt the effects of the drugs take over her body, she flipped the television on to a home renovation show that she could mindlessly watch. Emma kept her eyes open until her mind and body began to numb and force them to close, a deep, drug induced sleep taking over her body.

* * *

**_Sorry for the delay...its not coming easy right now. _**


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

Ed entered his home with a huff. He toed off his shoes, hung his jacket in the foyer closet, and turned right down the hallway, ready to rid himself of his suit and perhaps shower off the day. He had been following the Hodda trial and though he hadn't been able to speak directly with Olivia, she had sent a few texts throughout the day and her anxiety around the deliberating jury was palpable even through iMessage.

He kicked his door closed, pulled his tie off and slung it onto the bed, and shed the rest of his suit piece by piece on his way to the bathroom. As he allowed the hot water to pelt his body, Ed rubbed his face vigorously as he pictured Olivia's face: her jaw steeled as she sat in the courtroom, her eyes compassionate as she comforted Delores, and the biting of her lip which was her only outward sign of nervousness when she was on the job.

Shutting the water off, Ed wrapped a towel around his waist and reached for his phone.

_Hey babe. Come by?_

He set the phone on the bathroom counter, hoping for a quick reply. Ed threw on sweats and dabbed a little lotion on his face, laughing at how Olivia had finally convinced him to use something in the cold air.

His phone buzzed.

_Ed, I'm exhausted._

Ed let out a sigh, but didn't give up. Wanting to make sure it didn't come across as a "please come over for sex" text, Ed went with a more sincere message.

_Even more of a reason. Bring Noah, I'll order dinner. Let me take care of you._

The three dots signaled that she was responding and Ed crossed his fingers.

_Okay. Be there in 30. _

Smiling, Ed tossed his worn suit into the laundry and made his way down the hall, ready to sort through take out menus, but he was distracted by Emma's voice. Her door was half open, so Ed knocked lightly and invited himself in, a smile immediately growing on his face.

"Hey dad!" Nate exclaimed, his face smiling through Emma's iPhone screen.

"Nate! Wow…this picture is clear."

"Update your phone, dad," Emma said rolling her eyes.

Ed just shrugged. "I don't like change."

Both kids laughed so Ed sat on the edge of Emma's bed, happy to speak with both of his children at the same time. They caught up on general things; how classes were going, recent football games, trash talked a few horrid teachers, and Ed told a few funny stories about Noah from Halloween. After a few minutes, Ed could see Nate fidget.

"What is it, son?"

"Dad, I've been thinking…"

Ed swallowed and steeled himself for whatever it was Nate was about to say, but he wasn't quite prepared for what it was.

"I think I want to stay here for Thanksgiving."

Ed's jaw dropped slightly and he rubbed his forehead, trying not to make too much of the admission.

"Okay," he finally answered. "Who, uh, well, what do ya wanna do out there?"

"Bailey's parents rented a place in Sonoma and invited me."

"Ah."

Emma had stilled next to Ed and was looking at the floor. He could tell his daughter was disappointed, but Ed wasn't sure fighting Nate on this was his best move.

"Are you sure?" He finally asked, wanting his son to do what was best for him, but he didn't want him running from his feelings. "This is what you really want?"

Nate shrugged. "Yeah," he said softly. "I…I know its disappointing to you, Dad, but…I guess…Thanksgiving travel is stressful for only three days. It's easier to just stay here."

"Its the first holiday without mom," Emma mumbled, not making eye contact with her brother.

"I know," Nate whispered. "I'm sorry, Em…"

Emma just shrugged. Ed reached out and rubbed her back. "You're coming out here for Christmas, though, okay?" Ed gave Nate a look, signaling that the other holiday was not up for discussion.

"Of course," Nate said.

"Okay, then," Ed relented. "We'll miss ya, son."

Nate gave him a small smile. "I'll miss you too. But this is what I really want to do."

The trio spoke for a few more minutes, though the conversation wasn't nearly as lively as it had been before Nate's announcement. They finally bid their goodbyes and Emma stood up to make an exit, but Ed grabbed her hand.

"Ya okay?"

Emma turned, pulled her hand from Ed's grasp, and smiled. "Of course," she said. "He mentioned to me he may wanna stay with Bailey. So, I'm happy for him."

"Emma…"

"I need to shower before Olivia gets here."

Watching Emma make a quick exit, Ed let out a sigh and looked up at the ceiling.

"How the hell am I supposed to do this?" He muttered, allowing himself a few more minutes of sulking before heading back into the kitchen to peruse delivery menus.

* * *

Ed and Olivia were in the kitchen. Ed was washing the plates and utensils while Olivia dried them and put them away. Ed couldn't help but smile at the fact that Olivia knew where everything lived in his kitchen. It was a sign that they had been together for a while and had already weathered some storms. He took a large amount comfort from that little fact, and his smile did not go unnoticed.

"What?" Olivia asked, bumping his hip with hers as she took the last plate from his hands and dried it. Ed turned the water off and leaned his side against the counter, watching Olivia stretch to put the plate up, close the cabinet door, then turn around to face him. "Seriously, Ed, what?"

"Nothin'," he said, shrugging and reaching for her. He moved them into an impromptu dance, causing Olivia's face to scrunch up further in confusion.

"What has gotten into you tonight?"

Ed backed away, but kept her hands in his. "Just wanted to distract ya. Make ya feel good."

Olivia smiled sadly. "It was a nice distraction."

Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, Ed then traced her jawline with his index finger. "Wanna talk about it?"

Olivia eyed the living room where Noah was curled up on the couch watching a movie. Emma had retreated to her room immediately after dinner, citing homework, and she hadn't been heard from since. So Olivia took a deep breath, gathered her thoughts, and looked up at Ed. The uncertainty he saw swirling in her eyes about killed him.

"I keep thinking back to that interrogation," she began softly. "To be honest, I don't remember them all. I mean, how many interrogations have I done in my lifetime?"

"A lot," Ed allowed, gripping her hands tightly and keeping his eyes on her.

"I knew better," she finally whispered. "I…I got the confession. I didn't force it. But…I did…I knew better, Ed."

"Liv, you did what you had to do. That man belongs in prison."

Olivia stayed silent for a few minutes and chewed her bottom lip. Ed stood patiently, watching her subtle movements until she was ready to speak again.

"Remember Clyde?" Olivia asked. Ed was unable to hide his surprise at the sudden change of subjects.

"Of course," he said, the familiar knot coming back into his stomach as he thought back to the times in which he caused Olivia pain.

"The set-up…everything…" she whispered. "It all stemmed from me saying something…careless and insensitive…in an interrogation."

"Liv…"

"Stop, Ed," she finally said. "I made mistakes. I get so caught up in seeking justice, and I get so angry at these…disgusting excuses for human beings…that I let things slip. And sometimes they come back to haunt me."

"Olivia Benson," Ed said, his voice firm causing Olivia's eyes to widen as she looked up at him. "You are an incredible cop. An ally. A fighter. A justice seeker. And sure, sometimes you get carried away in an interrogation. But I just…I hate seeing ya like this."

Shrugging Olivia wrapped her arms around her waist and looked down at the floor. She mumbled something, but Ed couldn't quite understand what she said. He reached out and lifted her chin with his thumb.

"What was that?"

"This time…this time it's gonna cost me. Cost us. Cost these people their justice."

Not sure what else to say, Ed did the only thing he could think of. He wrapped Olivia tightly in his arms and held her to his chest. Ed lightly stroked her hair and placed little kisses on the side of her head as he whispered reassurances in her ear. They stayed like that until the sound of little footsteps caught their attention. Olivia pulled away from Ed slightly and peered around his body, smiling at the sight of Noah looking up at them with a grin on his face, holding up his cup.

"Juice?"

Olivia was about to answer, but Ed immediately grabbed the cup and opened his refrigerator. "Here ya go, pal."

"Tanks," Noah said, scampering back into the living room. Ed watched him climb back onto the couch, but Olivia kept her eyes on Ed.

"You had his juice here?"

"Of course," Ed said simply. "Still have that weird tea ya like, too."

Olivia laughed and kissed his lips gently.

"I love you."

"Listen, Olivia," Ed said, his face growing serious again. "No matter what happens with Hodda, what Barba says, or what anyone else says, you are a good cop. A great cop. The only thing you're guilty of is fighting harder than anyone I know…for victims who most other people don't believe. Never _ever_ doubt how important you are."

Tears sprang to Olivia's eyes and she tried to keep her chin from quivering. "Thank you," she finally whispered. "For saying that."

Ed cupped her face and kissed her once more. "Always," he responded. "Now. You wanna stay the night?"

Olivia scrunched her face up and Ed's hopes were dashed.

"Noah needs his own bed," she said. "And I'm in for a long day tomorrow…"

"Alright," he said. "Lemme check on Emma and I'll walk ya home."

"We'll be fine, ya know," Olivia said with a smirk, knowing her argument was useless.

Ed just winked at her. "Humor me."

"Always," she quipped back, sauntering out of the kitchen to pack up Noah's things.

* * *

Mike Dodds shuffled back to his desk with an almost dejected look on his face.

"What?" Fin asked bluntly, leaning back in his chair and eyeing the sergeant.

"Ah, she waved me off," he said. "Was gonna ask about Thanksgiving, but she seems…irritated. And on the phone."

"Been a rough couple weeks," Fin said wisely. "She's gonna be irritated. You requesting off a holiday already?"

Mike glared at Fin. "No," he said defensively. "I'm offering to be on duty. If you haven't noticed, we are a little short staffed…"

Easing up a bit, Fin nodded. "Yeah," he said. "Rollins is out for a while. And Carisi might as well be out…"

"Are those two, um, well…"

"No one knows," Fin quipped. "Probably never will."

"Dodds!"

Olivia yelled from within her office, not even bothering to go to the door. Mike immediately jumped up and nodded at Fin who wished him a quiet "good luck."

Dodds, though having been invited in, still rapped softly at the Lieutenant's door before entering. Olivia gave him a tired smile and gestured to the couch over by the window.

"Let's sit here," she said, standing up and stretching. "I need a little change." They both got situated and Olivia tucked one leg up under her body. "What can I do for you, Mike?"

"No big deal," he shrugged. "Just was gonna offer to be on duty for the holiday."

Olivia cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes slightly. As much as she had grown to trust Mike Dodds over the last year, these kinds of offers always breeded skepticism for her. No one ever volunteered to be on duty over a holiday, and she knew that Mike had family around and likely had traditions to uphold.

"I know we're short staffed," he continued. "And I assume you want to be with Noah…and maybe Captain Tucker…"

Olivia tensed at the reference to her personal relationship with Ed.

"Sorry," Mike said quickly, shaking his head. "I'm sure I'm overstepping…"

At that admission, Olivia finally softened. "It's okay," she said quietly. She could see by Sergeant Dodds' body language that he really just wanted to help. "I appreciate that offer. Been a rough stretch for us, huh?"

"Ya know," Dodds said, getting a little more courage, "you can lean on me more, Olivia. I can handle it. I get you, and your squad, may not totally trust me yet…"

"Mike, I trust you," she finally said, surprising both him and herself with the remark. She chuckled thinking back to the phone conversation she just had with Ed and how they hung up a little unhappy with each other. "Your offer…has ironic timing, that's all."

Mike sat back on the couch a bit, his body language signaling that he was open to any kind of sharing the Lieutenant offered, but she didn't bite.

"I'll schedule you for Thanksgiving Day," she said. "Come in for the morning. If it's quiet, you can head out in the afternoon…but you'll be the one on call. If something goes south, then call me."

Smiling, Sergeant Dodds stood up and nodded. "Thanks, Lieutenant," he said. "I'm sure we'll be just fine."

Olivia allowed herself to sink into her office sofa as soon as she heard the door click shut. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths as she relived the small argument she just had with Ed. He was understandably wanting to get away for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, especially with Nate not coming home, but with Rollins out indefinitely and Carisi trying to help her out, Olivia was stretched too thin at work to entertain the idea of a trip. But she could tell it was frustrating Ed, and they were faced with the decision of staying in town, or not spending the holiday together. Ed wasn't ready to accept either of those options, leaving them in a bit of conflict.

Chewing on her bottom lip and staring at the ceiling, Olivia tried to come up with a way that would make Ed happy while still acknowledging the fact that her job was not overly flexible at the moment. Before she could make any plans in her head, she heard the buzzing of her cell phone on the coffee table.

Smiling, she reached over and answered the call.

"I was just thinking about you…"

"Uh oh," Ed chuckled. "Given how we hung up, I don't know if I wanna know what those thoughts were…"

Olivia sighed. "Nothing bad," she finally responded. "I'm sorry I got so frustrated. It's just…a lot is going on."

"I know," Ed said softly. "And I'm sorry I put so much pressure on ya to make the trip. Just thought something different might be nice. But honestly, anywhere with you will be nice."

"Can we compromise?" Olivia was picking at her pants while speaking, but her tone was hopeful. "Maybe we can find some place close - go after work on Wednesday and come back Friday morning?"

Ed clicked his tongue. "That could work. I'll have to research…"

Smiling, Olivia relaxed a little and leaned back into the couch cushions. "I'm sorry I was so short earlier…"

"Liv, it's okay. I get it. We are all juggling a lot and this was a bigger ask than I originally thought. It'll work out, one way or another."

"Yeah," Olivia said softly. "I better go…I have a mountain of paperwork staring me down."

"Call me when you're home?"

"I will."

"Bye, Liv."

Olivia hung up the call, dropped her phone, and let out a deep sigh. Still feeling unsettled, but facing a grueling end to her work day, Olivia was forced to shift her mind from potential holiday plans as Fin came in letting her know they had caught a new case.

* * *

"I don't understand how people get pleasure from hiking," Ed grumbled as he held onto a tree and hoisted himself up the final portion of the easy-level trail they agreed upon for Thanksgiving morning. Emma was waiting up at the top grinning while Olivia patted Ed's arm, encouraging him along.

"It was your idea," she pointed out. "And you also demanded to carry Noah in the pack."

"Yeah, well," he said huffing as he finally made it to the top of the path. Olivia unhooked Noah and let him down to run a little bit on the flat area. The foursome moved ahead until they came to a gorgeous overlook.

"Noah!" Olivia said, immediately calling him back to her as the ledge made her nervous. She picked him up and pressed their cheeks together. "Look how beautiful," she said, turning to see Ed's face. It was red and he was puffing a little, but it was more of an exaggerated show. "Worth the trip, huh?"

"Yeah," Emma whispered, moving over to sit on the rock and hug her knees to her chest. "Incredible."

"I suppose it's alright," Ed said, a smirk growing on his face as he ribbed Olivia. She just rolled her eyes.

"Again," she pointed out. "This was all your idea."

They all stood at the top of the small mountain in silence for a while, taking in what was left of the fall colors as they looked over at a lake and thousands of treetops.

"Peaceful up here," Emma observed. Ed moved to sit next to her and rubbed her shoulders.

"It really is."

"This was a good idea, dad," she said softly. "Something different. But still together."

Olivia felt a little like she was intruding, so she hung behind, still cuddling Noah to her. The little boy seemed awestruck by the view and was perfectly content to cuddle in his mother's arms.

"Olivia, you and Noah too," Emma offered, turning to look at the older woman. "When I say together…I guess I mean all of us now."

Ed smiled at Olivia and gestured for her to join them. The foursome sat on the rock, overlooking the Hudson River Valley in silence. They had arrived at a small, quaint cabin the night before. With reservations made for a local restaurant for Thanksgiving night, Ed decided to plan a light hike for that morning. The weather was mild, mid-fifties when the sun was out, so he decided it was the perfect activity to distract himself and Emma from missing Nate. Olivia, not having an established Thanksgiving tradition, jumped at the chance for something out of the ordinary. The trail was easy and despite his grumbling, Ed easily made the climb with Noah strapped to his back. He would point things out along the way and Ed would patiently stop, waiting for the little boy to finish his observation before continuing on. Olivia and Emma stuck with each other most of the way, but said very little. Often peeking back to watch her son and boyfriend, Olivia found herself at peace. And that peace still had a hold of her as they all sat atop a mountain, looking off into the distance.

"I'm glad we could be here, Emma," Olivia said softly, hugging Noah more tightly to her. "It feels…right."

"Well, except for Nate," Emma added quickly. "But…yeah. It does feel right."

Ed took a deep breath, his chest puffing out slightly as he felt pride overwhelm him. He had somehow managed to weather his family through unimaginable storms, keep Olivia, and come out on what he hoped to be the other side as one unit.

They sat for a while longer before Olivia took a quick look over at Emma and saw her hands were shaking slightly. Not wanting to alarm Ed, but also cognizant of the time and hike back down, she made the executive decision to head back to the cabin. That would give Emma some time to breath and calm down a little before dinner, and perhaps Noah could sneak in a nap.

"Okay gang," she said as cheerfully as she could. "Shall we head back down?"

Ed let out an exaggerated groan, causing Olivia and Emma to burst out laughing. Not wanting to be left out, Noah began to laugh loudly as well. Ed just remained sitting on the rock, pretending to pout. Finally taking pity on him, Olivia leaned down to grab his hands and pull him up.

Once on his feet, Ed pulled Olivia close and kissed her lips. "Happy Thanksgiving, Olivia," he said, brushing her hair back out of her face. "Thank you for making this happen."

"Happy Thanksgiving to you, too," she responded. "And of course. This was the perfect plan."

"Okay you two," Emma called from where her and Noah had already started down the trail. "Noah's going to beat us all down."

Ed quickly put the pack back on as Olivia trotted after Noah and scooped him up. The little boy giggled as his mother tickled him before hoisting him into the pack and strapping him in. Olivia first kissed Noah's head, before kissing Ed's cheek and making her way down towards Emma who was already on the trail.

"Go!" Noah said, pointing straight ahead. "Les'go, Ed. Hike!"

"Yes sir," Ed grumbled, listening to the giggles come from Emma and Olivia as he followed them back down the mountain.

* * *

_**So have things smoothed out? Or do we have some things on the horizon? Who knows - but you should review anyways.**_


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 32**

"I'm stuffed," Emma groaned, plopping onto the old, brown, leather couch situated in the center of the living room. The cabin Ed rented was beautiful, upgraded with all amenities one would want, but the decor was definitely rustic. Dark wood framed furniture, a true brick fireplace with a deer head over the mantel, and the living room had high, vaulted ceilings that featured log beams. The hardwood floors were bright, shiny, and in places had been covered with plush, furry rugs that resembled animal fur.

Upon arrival, Noah had been enamored with the decor. He would point to the various animal heads and prints, before he eventually found that the plush rug was perfect to curl up on but difficult to roll his cars. So as Emma plopped on the couch and put her feet on the coffee table, Noah curled up on the edge of the rug, allowing himself the comfort of the fabric while still rolling his cars and trains on the hardwood.

The four of them had just finished up a semi-traditional Thanksgiving meal. Ed used the smoker on the side of the cabin to make a brisket, while Olivia and Emma put together a few side dishes of roasted potatoes, brussels sprouts tossed with bacon, and cranberry sauce. Noah had gobbled up two helpings of the potatoes and picked through the brussels sprouts to find pieces of bacon. Olivia typically would fuss over making sure he had enough fruits and vegetables, but had been surprisingly relaxed about it over their short trip away.

After dinner, they all pitched in cleaning up the kitchen and Olivia took a frozen cherry pie out of the freezer to thaw. The box said it would take a few hours but no one seemed hungry at all, so she shrugged, left it on the counter, and moved over to the island that separated the kitchen from the large, open dining and living room area. She felt her body relax even more as she watched Noah happily and peacefully play with his toys. After a few minutes, Ed came up behind her, kissed her cheek, and slid a steaming hot beverage in front of her.

"Gotcha another cider," he said, sliding the mug in front of her before kissing her cheek once again and settling in next to her. "When do ya think you'll head out tomorrow?"

Olivia blew on the drink; it was a little too hot to drink just yet. "Probably a little after seven. Lucy'll meet me at home then I can just head right in. Hopefully by ten."

Ed just nodded. "Hear about any cases?"

"No," she responded. "A good sign. If something big was up, Dodds..or Fin…would have at least looped me in."

The conversation paused for a bit, as both adults watched Noah run his cars along the floor and make sounds as the turned and crashed.

"He likes it here," Ed observed. "Was loving the hike."

"Found all possible sticks out in the yard earlier," Olivia quipped. "He's having a good time. Emma seems okay, too?"

Eyeing his daughter, Ed's lips pressed into a thin line. "First holiday since Suzanne's murder," he sad softly. "Very little emotion from her."

Olivia followed Ed's line of sight and observed as Emma slowly flipped through the television channels.

"Can't tell if she's even watching the screen," Ed continued, before rubbing the back of his neck. "But she clearly doesn't want to talk to me about it."

"She may not," Olivia said simply. "She may not want to talk to either of us. But you have her in therapy, Ed. This…it'll never _not_ be hard. We just have to ride it out with her."

Peeling his eyes away from his daughter, Ed turned to look at Olivia. He scanned her face before reaching up to trace her jaw with his fingertips. "_We_," he repeated in a raspy whisper.

"Yes. We." Olivia confirmed, kissing the pad of his index finger.

"Hey," Ed said, keeping her attention on him. "I was thinkin'…why don't ya let Noah stay here with us."

Olivia tensed slightly at the idea, but tried to follow Ed's line of thinking.

"He likes it here," Ed reasoned. "It's only one day. We'll be back Saturday."

"I dunno…"

Seeing her hesitation, Ed went back in with the ringer. "Plus, he's good to have around right now. Good distraction for Emma. For me."

Ed could see the wheels turning in Olivia's head as she bit her lip and watched her little boy.

"Okay," she said softly. "You're right. No need to drag him back to the city, merely to stay cooped up in my apartment with Lucy."

"Good, then that's settled," Ed said grinning, nodding towards the mug he had placed in front of Olivia. "Ya gonna drink that before it's cold?"

"Mmmm," she said, finally taking a sip. "It is good." She smirked and took another one. "You add the spiced bourbon?"

"I did," Ed said matter-of-factly, taking his own sip and nudged Olivia's side. "I know ya like it."

Olivia ducked her head, a pinkish hue spreading across her cheeks. Ed continued to smile. "What?"

She chuckled and bit her lip, struggling to reveal her thoughts.

"Say it, Benson."

Looking up, Olivia gave Ed a half embarrassed half mischievous look. "You know just how I like it…"

This time, it was Ed blushing as he took in the tone of her comment. Eventually they both burst into laughter, breaking the sexual tension that had formed between them, and Ed allowed his forehead to rest against Olivia's as they calmed down.

Noah had startled at the commotion from the kitchen and sprinted towards his mother and Ed. Olivia hoisted him into her lap and cuddled him.

"You wanna be in on the fun?" She asked, nuzzling his cheek. "You're a little too young for this joke, sweet boy."

Ed continued to smirk as he sipped his drink and caught Emma's brief eye roll, before she turned her attention back to the television.

"Anything good on?" Ed called at her.

She shrugged. "Eh," she said. "Gonna find a Christmas movie."

"It's still Thanksgiving," Ed said, his face scrunched up.

"And?"

Not having a response, Ed just shrugged. "I have no argument," he grumbled.

Olivia laughed and stood up, Noah still cradled like an infant in her arms, and she patted Ed's butt as she walked by him and into the living room. "Emma, see if you can find The Grinch."

* * *

Ed sniffed and rolled over, wrapping his arms tightly around Olivia, her back nestled in his chest. Burying his face in her hair, he took a deep breath and slowly came into consciousness. It was still night, and he could hear the faint sound of leaves rustling in the wind outside of their cabin. Knowing Olivia was leaving early that morning, instead of going back to sleep Ed began to trace little circles on her stomach, his lips making a soft trail around the back of her neck.

Olivia moaned and shifted, allowing her body to nestle even closer to Ed. Taking that as a sign, he snaked one hand up her torso and gently massaged her breast.

"Ed…" she moaned, eyes still not open. "Mmmmm, don't stop."

Keeping one hand on her breast and his lips on her neck, Ed allowed his other hand to trace a crooked path down her stomach and along her thighs before lightly tickling between her legs.

"Like that?" He whispered directly into her ear.

Olivia's body jerked slightly. "Just like that," she squeaked.

Right as Olivia had moved her hand behind her, and into Ed's boxers, her phone rang loudly into their room. Groaning, she buried her face in her pillow, trying to breathe and will it to stop.

Knowing she had to answer, Ed removed his hands and rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling, ready to be mad about whatever was done to call her away from that cabin a few hours earlier than planned.

"What?" She barked into the phone, clearly just as annoyed, but then allowed her voice to soften. "It's okay. Yeah. Ugh, okay. Sure. About two hours. Yeah. Right. See you soon."

Olivia tossed the phone back on the nightstand and turned so she was facing Ed. Though his face was tense with frustration, his eyes gazed softly into hers.

"I'm sorry, Ed," she whispered.

"No," Ed said quickly, shaking his head as he tucked strands of hair behind her ear. "Don't be sorry. It's okay."

"It's not," she said. Olivia's voice was shaky but Ed wasn't sure if it was emotion, or merely her trying to wake up. "But I have to go…"

"Glad you're letting Noah stay."

Olivia just bit her lip and nodded as she slowly rolled over and slung her legs off of the bed. "God," she said. "It's not even four in the morning…"

Ed mirrored her actions on his side of the bed. "I'll make ya some coffee."

Olivia stood, stretched, and headed towards the bathroom. "How about you put that on then come join me in this shower?"

Her eyebrow was raised as she leaned against the doorframe, waiting for Ed's response.

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

The door slammed shut, rattling the window shades as Olivia stormed out of the interrogation room. She threw her hand up at Dodds as she made her way back to her office.

"Don't," she said. "Don't say it."

Mike and Fin eyed each other and gave Olivia a few minutes before they both followed her into her office. She was standing behind her desk, fingers rubbing her bottom lip as she stared out over the clear Manhattan sky.

"He wasn't gonna talk, Liv," Fin said simply, helping himself to a seat in one of the chairs in front of Olivia's desk.

Dodds, a little more timid but also more closely observing his Lieutenant, stayed on his feet. "You gave it a good run," he said simply.

Olivia just shook her head. "Bastard," she muttered. "He knows…he knows where that girl is. I could see it on his disgustingly smug face. He knows where she is."

"He's not gonna tell us," Fin said, once again.

"Well, he's definitely not going to now, is he?" Olivia snapped, her head spinning around and glaring at Fin, daring him to keep pushing her. "Don't you have some paperwork to do?"

Fin narrowed his eyes. "Look, you're pissy I had to call you in a bit earlier, I get it. But it ain't my fault that mother fucker isn't gonna talk."

Olivia's face hardened and was near stone cold as she stared at her detectives, and one of her long-time friends. "Well, now it's up to us," she seethed. "Get out of my office and find her."

Fin threw his hands up in the air and made his way to the exit, throwing Olivia one more look before he finally walked out of the office. Dodds hung back for a bit, unsure if he should attempt to comfort or calm down their disgruntled lieutenant, but he got his answer quickly.

"I need to make a call," Olivia said, though her voice had softened slightly. "I'll just be a minute. Come get me if you find anything."

"You got it," Mike said, nodding and swiftly leaving, closing the door behind him.

Olivia collapsed into her chair, rested her elbows on the desk, and allowed her face to fall into her hands. She took a few deep breaths, trying to slow her heart rate, before reaching for her cell phone to call Ed.

He answered after barely one ring.

"Liv," he said, almost sounded panicked. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," she said soothingly. "Why?"

"Just…wasn't expecting ya to call," he reasoned, his voice much calmer. "Got worried."

"Oh," she said. "No, I just…wanted to say hi. See how everything was going."

Ed smiled. Correctly assuming the case was rattling her, he decided not to push and give her a report of their current activities.

"Well, we spent about an hour hunting for sticks this morning," he said. "Emma and Noah tried for a little while to rub them together for a fire, but that failed. So we came in and built one in the fire place. Noah fell asleep on the rug about half an hour ago, so it's just me and Emma."

"Ah," Olivia said, smiling at the thought of her little boy asleep on the rug after a morning in the dirt. "He's okay?"

"He's fine," Ed assured her. "Looked for ya a bit when he woke up, but settled into the day. We're okay, baby."

"Okay," Olivia said softly. "I…I better go. I bit Fin's head off earlier, but hearing your voice calmed me down a bit."

"Hey," Ed said, pausing a bit to make sure she was listening. "I love you. We're just fine. Call whenever you want."

"Okay…love you too."

Hanging up the phone, Olivia set it down and stared at her screen saver. It was a picture of her, Noah, and Ed at Halloween. She smiled at it for a bit, before taking a deep breath and calling Fin back into her office.

"You gonna yell at me again?" Fin asked, clearly not letting up on his boss. "Because if that's the case, I'd rather go back to my paperwork."

"Well, I wasn't until you just came in with that smart ass comment," Olivia retorted, her fuse getting shorter and shorter. "Wanna try again? Or do you need to take a beat?"

Fin plopped back down, rubbed his face, and finally took a good look at Olivia as she sat back in her chair and glared at him.

"I was gonna apologize," she said. "But you pissed me off again."

"Seriously, Olivia, where's your head?"

Instead of snapping at Fin yet again, Olivia closed her eyes and focused on her breathing.

"Liv?"

"I'm fine," she said. "Guess I'm just a little bitter that I'm here, dealing with this asshole who will never tell us where Jamie is, instead of being with my fa-…., my son."

Fin's eyebrows lifted when Olivia caught herself about to say "family."

"You can call Tucker family, Olivia," he finally said, treading carefully.

"Well, either way, I'm not with them," she retorted. "And I don't usually get this upset after a failed interrogation, but that…man…he just infuriated me."

"Clearly," Fin said. "Ya know, we all have those cases that make us snap."

"This shouldn't be one of them," Olivia reasoned, but then she let out a deep sigh. "But I can't get that girl out of my head. I want to find her."

"We will," Fin said. "We will."

After sitting for a few minutes in silence, Olivia finally offered Fin a smile. "Sorry about earlier," she said. "Leaving them this morning was…harder than usual."

"It's aight, Liv," Fin said shrugging. "You know I can take it. You know you can also talk to me."

Olivia nodded.

"I know that, for you, it's even harder to leave your family," he finally said, offering a rare moment of pure compassion. "You've waited a long time to have that family."

"I have," she finally admitted, but then smiled. "But ya know what I realized, despite my crankiness?"

"What's that?"

"For the first time, with Noah, I have help," she said slowly, as if the realization was just sinking in for her as she spoke the words. "I didn't have to leave him with a sitter, or at daycare while other kids got to spend the holiday weekend with their parents. I always want to be the one with him…but now, I have Ed. Noah has Ed. We have…support."

Fin smiled, grateful to see the light back in Olivia's eyes.

"I'm still shocked that it comes from Ed Tucker…"

Olivia laughed at Fin's statement.

"You and me both."

* * *

"How is he still awake?" Emma asked, watching as Noah ran around the coffee table pretending to fly a bright yellow paper airplane they made over an hour ago.

Ed popped a pecan in his mouth and leaned back on the couch. "Prolly the second hot chocolate we gave him earlier."

Emma laughed and tucked her feet under her body.

"Hey," Ed said, his voice soft as he reached out to squeeze Emma's shoulder. "Ya doin' okay?"

"Yeah," she responded simply, giving Ed a small, somewhat forced smile. "Nice to do something different for the holiday. Doesn't feel as…empty, I guess."

Noah made a few whirring sounds, followed by a crashing noise. "Uh oh," he said softly, bending over to look at his plane. "Boken," he observed, picking it up and scampering over to Ed. Noah climbed up in his lap and shoved the now bent airplane in Ed's face. "Ed, you fix?"

Tucker pulled Noah more securely onto his lap and wrapped his arms around the little boy, working to refold the plane so he could see how it was done. "Hm," Ed said, fidgeting with it some.

"Hm." Noah imitated Ed's noise, causing Emma to smile.

"We may need to start over, bud," Ed finally said, tossing the now-floppy plane onto the coffee table.

"Boken," Noah murmured, sliding off Ed's lap and inspecting the plane. "Hm," he said once again.

Emma burst out laughing. "Ohmigosh, he's a mini you, Dad."

Ed smiled and Noah looked up with his own smile, trying to be part of the fun.

"He's my pal, aren't ya?" Ed growled, messing Noah's hair a bit. "You wanna make another plane? Or watch a movie?"

Noah's face scrunched up as he thought about his options. Suddenly, he scampered off towards his room. Emma was about to get up to follow him, when he returned with his bear and his blanket and crawled up onto the couch between the other two.

"Mickey?"

Noah looked up at Emma, eyes wide and hopeful. "Who can say no to that face?" She quickly flipped to Netflix, found the holiday Mickey Mouse movie, and hit play. It wasn't long before Noah was fast asleep, his head on Emma's lap and his bear right up against his face. Ed gently covered him with his train blanket and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

"Ya okay?" He asked Emma, signaling he could move Noah if she needed him to. But she smiled and nodded.

"Just fine," she said. "But I could go for a different show…"

Ed chuckled, took the remote, and began to flip. They finally settled on one of the holiday episodes of The West Wing, and sat in silence before Ed shifted around in his seat.

"I just…I want ya to know, you can talk to me," Ed said awkwardly. He'd been a parent for twenty years, yet he still found the more intimate moments difficult to navigate. "If ya need to."

"I know."

"Or Olivia," Ed offered. "She's…probably better than me with this kinda stuff. And she loves you…"

"Olivia's great," Emma allowed. "But I'm really fine."

Ed found himself unsure if this was the time to push his daughter or not. He finally conceded that perhaps it wasn't and let it go, making a mental note to talk with Olivia about a strategy to get Emma to open up once they returned to the city.

* * *

It was almost midnight before Olivia slogged into her apartment. She quickly shed her jacket and boots, dropped her bag on the floor by the couch, and went directly into the bathroom. After a quick but hot shower, she clipped her hair back, slipped into leggings and one of Ed's t-shirts, and crawled into bed. Body riddled with exhaustion, Olivia sank into the pillows and breathed out a relieved sigh.

It had been a grueling day that led nowhere, and she couldn't figure out why this case was haunting her as much as it was, and why she couldn't get the young girl's face out of her head. All cases would haunt the seasoned lieutenant, and occasionally one would hit too close to home, but Olivia couldn't find the connection between this particular case and her reaction to it.

She shrugged it off, assuming it was because she had been called away from her son, and sent Ed a text asking if he was awake. It wasn't even a minute before her phone was ringing.

"Hey," Olivia sighed, smiling as Ed's face came into view. They were both laying on their sides, under the covers, as they spoke to each other via FaceTime.

"Long day?"

"Too long."

Ed's face contorted into a frown and Olivia could see his eyes scanning her face, even through the phone screen. "Ya gonna be able to sleep tonight?"

"God, I hope so," Olivia said. As if on cue, a yawn overtook her body and she exhaled with a deep sigh.

"Liv…"

"I'm fine," she said. "Just…unsettled, that's all. How was the rest of the day?"

"Well, Noah overdosed on hot chocolate and we crashed a few paper airplanes before he fell asleep on Emma's lap. He didn't even stir when she moved him into his bed."

"Sweet boy…" Olivia said, a soft smile forming on her face. "Emma?"

"Quiet," Ed said. "Once Noah was in bed, we did talk a little bit. She wondered if Nate would come for Christmas. I assured her that he'd be here. Think that's bothering her too."

Ed paused, but Olivia could tell he wanted to say something else. "What is it?"

Ed licked his lips and let out a breath. "I think she was…disappointed…that you had to go before she woke up," he said cautiously. He didn't want Olivia to feel any worse than she already did, but they had promised each other to be open, even if it stung. Ed could tell this definitely stung as she sucked in a breath and briefly closed her eyes.

"But she understands."

"I know she does," Olivia said. "But…doesn't make it easier."

"No, it does not," Ed replied, smiling softly as Olivia yawned again. "Close your eyes, baby."

"When will you be home tomorrow?" Olivia's voice was slurring, but she didn't want to hang up. She was desperate to not feel alone in that moment.

"Leaving first thing. Hopefully by ten. Have to go in?"

"I don't know," she murmured. "But I wanna see Noah, you, Emma…"

"We'll make it happen, Liv. Get some rest."

Olivia's breathing began to even out as her eyes fluttered closed. Ed remained on the phone, his eyes on his girlfriend, until he was sure she was fast asleep before he ended the call.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

"Its good to have you home, son," Ed finally said, after a relatively silent car ride. They had decided on a live tree this year after Emma's insistence that it was a tradition they were always deprived of, as their mother was a big fan of artificial trees that were easy to assemble and decorate. Ed was feeling a strong pull to make sure this Christmas would be okay despite the inevitable pain for his kids, so he readily agreed. Leaving Emma to work on college essays with Olivia, Ed, Nate, and Noah piled into the car and drove towards a traditional tree farm just north of the city.

"Yeah," Nate sighed, rubbing his eyes. He had flown in on the red-eye, landing early that morning. After missing Thanksgiving, his arrival had felt a little quiet and awkward. Ed had met him at the airport, greeting him with a smile and a tight hug, but back at the apartment Emma had been quiet. After her sprint to the door and bear hug, she had withdrawn quickly, making coffee and offering soft but short answers and comments in the morning conversation. The three Tuckers showered, dressed, and planned out their day while waiting for Olivia's arrival. As soon as she entered the apartment, Noah had sprinted for Nate, clearly having not forgotten him. After their mini-reunion, Noah noticed Nate and Ed begin to leave and he ran to the door.

"I go too," he demanded, plopping down in the foyer and fumbling with his little boots. "I go too!"

"No, no, sweet boy," Olivia said, hurrying over to try and intercept the meltdown. "You're gonna stay here with Mommy and Emma."

"No!" Noah said, struggling to get out of her arms and reaching for Ed. "I go too!"

Ed, unable to watch Noah beg to accompany them, looked over at Nate, signaling it was his call, and Nate nodded with a smile.

"Hey, No," Ed said softly, crouching down eyeing Olivia who gave him a soft, resigned smile. "Nate and me…we're goin' to pick out a Christmas tree. You wanna go?"

Noah's eyes got big. "Tee?"

"Yep," Ed replied. "A big one."

"Oooooh," Noah said, looking up at Olivia. "I go too."

She just laughed, hugged him tightly, and helped with his boots.

"Yes, sweet boy," she murmured. "You're going too."

An hour later, Noah was snoozing in the car while Ed and Nate tried and failed to make small talk. Finally, Ed just got to the point.

"Enjoy being with Bailey's family?"

"It was nice," Nate allowed, gripping the handle bar as a cab cut in front of them, causing Ed to break suddenly. "Damn cabs," he muttered, releasing the handle and continuing chatting. "It's beautiful in Sonoma. Went out for Thanksgiving dinner. Explored. Played games."

"Good," Ed said. "We missed ya, but I get why you wanted to stay."

Nate didn't say anything in response to Ed's comment. They allowed it to sit there until Ed finally pulled into the parking lot of the tree farm. Nate went to unbuckle his seatbelt, but Ed reached out to still his arm.

"I know this is hard," he said in his normal, raspy tone. "And I know you didn't really want to come for Christmas either. But we needed you here for this one. So if you need space, tell me. I'll make it happen. I'll do whatever you need. I'm just glad you're here."

"Thanks, dad," Nate said, giving him a soft smile. "Let's go get a tree."

The two Tucker men, plus Noah, piled out of the SUV and with near identical strides, made their way through the rows of trees. Noah skipped ahead while Ed and Nate followed behind, hands shoved in their coat pockets. After about twenty minutes, they paused in front of a tree and Ed looked it up and down, before letting out a laugh. Nate looked at him questioningly.

"I honestly have no idea what I'm supposed to be looking for," he admitted, his laughter growing. Nate let out a loud chuckle at that admission and soon all three of them were in fits of laughter in the middle of what was likely over one hundred Christmas trees.

As they calmed down, Ed shook his head and reached out to squeeze Nate's shoulder. "Wanna google what the hell we are lookin' for?"

Nate allowed his dad to pull him into a side hug before he pulled out his phone. "No problem, dad."

* * *

Olivia loaded the last of the cookware into Ed's dishwasher, turned it on, checked the contents of the crockpot once more and finally satisfied, moved around the island to stand by Emma.

"Doing okay?" Olivia often had to stop herself from saying terms like "sweetheart" as she'd grown to love Emma, but she knew they didn't have that kind of relationship at the moment.

Emma shrugged. "I suppose," she mumbled. "I'm tired of these applications. Never ending."

Olivia frowned and peered over the girl's shoulder, looking at the blinking cursor on a mostly blank word document. "What's this essay prompt?"

"Talk about a pivotal moment in your life and how you handled it."

Olivia winced.

"Exactly," Emma grumbled, shutting the laptop and allowing her head to fall against the countertop. "I don't want to do this," she moaned.

Olivia sat next to her on a stool and rubbed her back. "Don't want to do what?"

"Any of it," Emma said, but her voice was muffled as she hadn't even attempted to sit up.

Olivia sighed and reached over to move Emma's hair, so she could at least see some of her face. "Oh, Emma…"

Finally sitting up, Emma allowed herself to make eye contact with Olivia, revealing tired, red, watery eyes. "The idea of college just seems so…I dunno…I just don't care about it that much right now."

"Ya know what," Olivia said softly. "You don't have to. Not right now."

"They are due in a couple weeks tho…"

Olivia just shrugged. "A few are finished, right?"

"Yeah. NYU, Boston, the CUNY ones…"

"Then let's stop," Olivia suggested simply. "We don't have to care right now. In fact, I could go for a coffee. How about we get out of here for a little bit? Before the boys return?"

Emma's face brightened at the suggestion. "Okay," she said, hopping off the stool and moving her head a bit, as if to shake off the essay work. "That's a good idea, Liv."

Half an hour later, Olivia and Emma were walking down the sidewalk. It was cold in the city, but with the sun out there wasn't a biting chill just yet. Emma lifted her desired hot chocolate to her lips and blew on it, accidentally bumping into Olivia's side.

"Sorry," she said.

Olivia just smiled and wrapped her free around around Emma's shoulders. "All good," she replied. "Wanna stay out? Do some shopping?" She watched as the young girl bit her lip and allow her eyes to dart around the sidewalk and street.

"My mom and I used to get hot chocolate and go shopping, before we moved to LA," Emma said softly, her body tensing but almost naturally leaning more into Olivia's side. "The weekend before Christmas. There was something about…the lights and decorations and crowds…it's what made it feel like the holidays."

Olivia was quiet, unsure what to say as Emma divulged a rare, but important glimpse into her thoughts.

"Most of the time we wouldn't even buy much," she said, laughing to herself. "It was just the experience of being in the crowd and…being together."

Olivia noticed a spot where they could veer off and stand by a storefront for a bit, so she steered them over. Keeping her arm around Emma, she shifted in order to see her face.

"I'm sorry, Emma," she said softly, putting her coffee down on a nearby ledge and rubbing Emma's arms with her hands. "I didn't mean to bring that up…"

"Oh, it's okay," she said. "It's…nice. Feels kinda normal. I mean, not that…I know you're not my mom. God, that sounded weird. I'm sorry, Olivia."

"Hey hey," Olivia responded, shaking her head. "Didn't sound weird at all. I know you miss your mom. And these first holidays…Emma, I can't imagine how you are feeling right now."

Emma bit her lip and stared down at the sidewalk, shifting a little bit under Olivia's compassionate gaze.

"You tell me what you want to do, Emma. And that's what we will do."

The young girl was quiet for a bit. She looked around, took a sip of her hot chocolate, and finally looked into Olivia's eyes. Seeing no judgement, only compassion and care, Emma offered a small smile.

"Maybe one store?" Her offer was hopeful, as if she wasn't sure if Olivia was agree to it. But Olivia's face lit up and she couldn't help but grin.

"You got it," she said. "But don't let me buy more toys for Noah. I think I went overboard this year…"

Emma just laughed and looped her arm through Olivia's. It was a rare moment of her instigating the physical contact.

"He's so cute, though," Emma reasoned. "Maybe one more present…"

* * *

The girls were back at the apartment, in lounge clothes, and watching White Christmas when they heard a commotion in the hallway. Eyeing each other, Olivia got up and went to the foyer, Emma following closely behind. Smiles grew on their faces when they realized it was their boys and Olivia swung open the door. The sight in front of them caused her to immediately burst out laughing.

"Tee, Mama!" Noah said, jumping around excitedly and pointing to the larger than expected Christmas tree. The problem was it was a little too tall, and they couldn't quite get it out of the elevator without slamming it into the wall.

"Oh my…" Olivia said before snapping into action. "Noah, sweetheart, come here. Emma will you take him inside? I'll help the _men_ get this tree in the apartment."

Ed gave Olivia a fake glare as she made her comment, but dutifully followed her instructions. They eventually got the angle right and brought the tree into Ed's living room. Emma had already set up the stand in the far corner, between one of the large windows and the fire place.

"Put it here," she demanded. "It's the perfect spot."

Once the tree was secured, Ed freed the branches before collapsing on the couch and letting out an exaggerated sigh.

"That was…a lot of work."

Nate grunted in agreement, shedding his outer layer before joining Ed on the couch. Noah, not wanting to be left out, scampered over and climbed up into Ed's lap.

"All done!" He declared clapping his hands.

Olivia just laughed at the scene of Ed and Nate completely exhausted, while Noah bounced around between them with all the energy in the world.

"Well, not quite sweet boy," Olivia said, picking him up and hugging him close. "We'll need lights and ornaments. But, this is Ed's tree. So we may leave before they get to that part."

Noah frowned and once again squirmed to get out of his mother's arms. Trying not to be hurt by his insistence at being with Ed and not her, she let him down and he went to stand in front of Ed.

"I help?"

"Of course," Nate said, interrupting the conversation. "We can't decorate the tree without you!"

"Kay," he said. "Gotta potty, Mommy."

Olivia rolled her eyes and took Noah's hand. "Wants nothing to do with me until its potty time," she murmured, leading Noah down the hall and out of earshot.

"You two sure about this? If you want it to be the three of us, just say so. It's okay."

"No," Emma said quickly, correctly sensing her and her brother were on the same page. "I like having them here. If that's okay with you, dad?"

"Oh," Ed said with a smirk. "It's more than okay with me."

Nate yawned and stood up. "I'm gonna shower and lay down for a bit. Didn't sleep much on the flight…"

"Alright son," Ed said, patting him on the back. "Let me know if ya need something."

Not making eye contact with his sister, Nate made his way down the hallway. Emma watched him for a bit, before moving to the oversized chair and curling up, focusing back on the movie and trying to ignore the small amount of tension that had grown between her and Nate since his arrival that morning.

* * *

The next night found Olivia curled up on her couch while Ed strung colored lights around her artificial tree. Much to Noah's dismay, getting his "tee" merely consisted of going to the basement storage unit, taking it out of the box, and fluffing the branches. Earlier Olivia had commented on how annoying the branches were as she would try to make them look fuller, so Ed had sent her to the couch while he did the work with Noah under foot.

"A lotta trees this weekend," he said, reaching around back and spreading out some branches towards the bottom of the full, seven foot tall tree, before wrapping the green cord around them.

"Yeah. Christmas feels like it's right around the corner."

"It basically is," Ed observed, standing up and admiring his work. "What do ya think, Noah?"

The little boy looked up from where he was playing trains on the coffee table. He admired the tree, his little mouth twisted up in thought, before he nodded. "Lights?"

"You bet," Ed said, switching the button with his foot. The bright colors shone throughout Olivia's living room and Ed couldn't help but smile as Noah ran into Olivia's arms and curled into her lap as they admired the tree.

"So pretty, isn't it sweet boy?"

Noah just nodded before climbing back down. "Balls?"

Ed looked at Olivia, unsure of what Noah meant.

"Ornaments," she said simply. "But we can do those later. You've done enough Christmas treeing for a while…"

Ed came over and plopped on the couch next to Olivia, kissing her cheek and allowing her to rest against his side. As he moved his arms around Olivia, holding her tightly to him, Ed felt himself never wanting this moment to end. Even after being together all day, both days of the weekend, when Olivia would depart for the night Ed found himself lonely and missing her more intensely than before.

Seeing that Noah was preoccupied with his trains again, Ed kissed Olivia's head and took a deep breath. "What are you thinking about, well, actual Christmas?"

Olivia shifted so she could face Ed, as she had assumed this subject would come up soon. "Well," she said slowly. "I guess that depends on what you and your kids are doing. I figure Noah and I will be here Christmas Eve, open Santa presents in the morning, then…we can do our own thing or…maybe do something all together?"

Ed smiled softly at Olivia's uncertainty around whether they'd be together during the holiday. He reached out and lightly traced her jaw, eyes raking over her face as he took in her beauty. "Whaddya say about stayin' with us Christmas Eve. Santa can visit my place?"

Olivia returned his smile and leaned into his touch. "What about your kids?"

"What about them?"

Chuckling and rolling her eyes, Olivia gave Ed a look. "It's their first Christmas…ya know…"

"It is," Ed said softly. "And they both said they want you and Noah with us."

"The whole time?"

Ed kissed Olivia and pulled back just enough to talk, his breath hitting her lips as he spoke. "The whole time."

The wide smile on Olivia's face gave Ed his answer and he wasted no time grasping the back of her head and bring her lips to his, kissing her deeply and slowly. Cognizant of Noah nearby, he kept it PG and reluctantly pulled away after a couple of minutes.

"I know you can't stay the night, but Noah's going to bed soon," Olivia whispered, running her finger along Ed's lips. "Think you can stay another couple of hours?"

Ed smirked and kissed the pad of her finger before playfully biting it.

"Ed!" Olivia shrieked, laughing at his move. Noah, not wanting to be left out, popped up and ran over to the couch.

"Ed, you pay?"

"Noah, we need to take a bath," Olivia said, before Ed could agree to give Noah whatever he wanted. "No more playing. Come on."

"No," Noah said as Olivia picked him up, moving to the back of the apartment. "Want Ed!"

Olivia rolled her eyes yet again at Noah's new found clinginess to her boyfriend. "We'll be right back, babe," she said to Ed. "Make yourself comfortable."

An hour later, Olivia was resting comfortably and sated against Ed's chest. A light throw covered their bodies and the colored tree lights were the only light filtering in the living room.

"Ya know," Olivia began, her voice deep as she continued to bask in her relaxed state. "Noah's not in a crib anymore…"

Ed lightly tickled her lower back and smirked as Olivia's shuddered a bit. "Ya don't seem eager to get up, Benson."

"I'm not, Captain Tucker."

A few more minutes went by before Olivia let out a sigh. "Back to work tomorrow," she lamented. "It's been such a nice weekend."

"Been good having everyone together," Ed added.

"Mmmhmmmm."

Ed pulled Olivia closer and kissed her head. "Can't help but think what it would be like to not have to leave ya at night…"

"Mmm, Emma will eventually be okay enough to stay on her own overnight," Olivia reasoned. "And she's been okay the few times we've stayed with you."

"Yeah, uh, that's not exactly what I meant." Ed felt Olivia's body tense against his, as she froze in realization. "Relax," he said. "I don't mean right now. But…well, you do see that in our future, don't you?"

Olivia tried to force her body to relax, but her stomach was in knots. She sat up slightly so she could look at Ed's expression. He seemed confident, but there was an undertone of worry in his eyes.

"I guess, well," Olivia stumbled over her words a bit. "I do," she finally admitted. "But I sort of shelved it indefinitely with…everything that happened."

Ed didn't say anything, he just smoothed her hair back and lifted his head enough to kiss at her face. "I don't want to put our lives on hold…"

"Ed, your kids are not ready for that," Olivia finally said, half hoping Ed would disagree, but she could see on his face that she was right. "We can't rush this…"

"We've been together two years," Ed said. "We aren't rushing…we are crawling…"

Letting out a frustrated sigh, Olivia sat up fully and reached for her t-shirt. She pulled it over her head, threw Ed his boxers. Once they were semi-clothed, they sat up, facing each other, but their hands gripped the other's tightly.

"You said you and Emma had a good day," Ed reasoned. "Noah loves Nate…"

"We did have a good day," Olivia agreed. "But a good day is a long way from being ready for all of us to permanently live together."

"Will you ever be ready?" Ed asked, before he could stop himself.

Olivia's head snapped a bit and she pulled her hands back, running her fingers through her hair. "What the hell does that mean?"

Ed closed his eyes, regretting the question but it was too late to take it back. "Olivia, I don't wanna be without you. I love you."

Olivia was quiet for a moment, collecting herself, before she took a deep breath and responded softly. "I love you, too." The couple sat there for a few minutes, glancing at each other in between moments of admiring the living room.

"I'm sorry," Ed finally said. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't," she whispered. "I don't know why I get this way."

"Olivia Benson, I get it. I get you. I promise you I understand. But what_ you_ have to understand, is that I'm not going anywhere. Ever."

Tears sprung to Olivia's eyes and she tried desperately not to let them fall, but she failed.

"Aw, Liv, don't cry…I'm sorry."

Olivia shook her head, but the tears poured down her cheeks. Ed immediately moved and pulled her into his chest, rocking her slightly.

"Shhhhhhh Liv," he whispered into her hair. "It's okay. I'm right here. I meant what I said. I'm not going anywhere. We're gonna figure this out. I promise you, we'll figure it out."

After a few minutes, Olivia's tears began to slow. She gripped Ed's shirt tightly in her fist, not allowing him to let her go. Taking a deep breath, Olivia closed her eyes before whispering, "I don't wanna be without you either."

* * *

**_#review_**


	33. Chapter 33

_**Either the last couple of chapters have sucked, or people have lost interest. Hopefully this weekend's double update will change that...**_

**Chapter 33**

Ed had Olivia pressed up against the hotel room door as he fumbled around for the key card. He cursed, his breath hitting her earlobe and causing her to giggle. Ed raised his eyebrow, for he didn't hear Olivia Benson giggle often, but then grinned triumphantly as he produced the key card, opened the door, and shoved his girlfriend inside. As soon as the lock clicked, Olivia turned the tables and it was now Ed with his back to the door as she ditched her heels and stood on her toes, one hand cradling his face and the other gripping his tie as their lips remained locked.

"Nice of the kids…_ah_…to give us this…_ohhhh_….night," Ed rasped as Olivia's lips and teeth made a slow path along his neck, collarbone, and then chest as she unbuttoned his shirt slowly.

"Shhhh," Olivia whispered, finally getting his shirt off and moving to his belt. "Let's not talk about kids…" Olivia reached her hand into Ed's boxers and his knees nearly buckled.

"What kids?" He rasped, grabbing her wrists to stop her movements. He looked her up and down, all the way from her red-painted toenails, up her smooth legs and curvy, firm hips hugged perfectly by the shimmery navy blue dress she had donned for their fancy dinner out. Ed let go of her wrists and reached out to lightly grip her sides as he back her towards the bed, eyes narrowed and now locked on hers. "What do you want, Liv?" Ed always paused a few times in the midst of loving her to make sure everything was okay. Her response got rid of all questions and hesitations.

"I want you to blow my mind tonight, Captain," she whispered. "I want _you_."

They fell onto the bed and Ed couldn't get her out of her dress fast enough. Cursing at her zipper, Olivia finally got frustrated enough to rip the dress off herself. Ed made quick work of her bra and Olivia gripped his ears, bringing his mouth down to her breasts. Her whimpers quickly turned into moans, which eventually turned into shrieks and screams as Ed never lifted his lips from the most erogenous parts of her body as he moved in and out of her, refusing to stop making love to her until they were spent.

It was over an hour later before Ed and Olivia collapsed back onto the kind-sized bed, white linens messily strewn all over the mattress and their sweaty limbs tangled together. Ed kissed at Olivia's face as she tried to catch her breath.

"I can't feel anything," she finally whispered, her voice hoarse presumably from he ability to be a bit louder given their privacy.

"Well," Ed said, a smirk growing on his face. "That'll happen after…four?"

Letting out a laugh, Olivia managed to lift her head slightly and kiss Ed's lips, catching a glimpse of the clock on the nightstand.

"Looks like we missed midnight…"

Ed let out a grunt. "I really don't give a damn," he said. "Willing to bet we had the best midnight of anyone out there."

"Me too," Olivia said, draping her body across his and nestling her head in the space between Ed's neck and shoulder. "Me too."

* * *

Emma curled into her side of the couch and pulled an oversized ultra soft fleece blanket over her body. Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve was playing softly in the background and she could hear Nate rummaging around in the kitchen looking for a late night snack. Emma moved her eyes from Nate over to the oversized chair in which Noah was curled up asleep. His head rested on a small pillow and he had his bear tucked tightly in his grasp. Mouth slightly open, Emma couldn't help but smile at how peaceful he looked while sleeping. She liked having the little boy around, especially as he had finally warmed up to her. It had taken a while for Emma to get beyond the awkward feeling of having Olivia and Noah there, and Noah not having much to do with her. But she had eventually won him over, though his clear fascinating with Nate always returned when her older brother was around. But she found it no longer bothered her. She genuinely enjoyed having Olivia around and overall was just glad to have everyone together.

"Here," Nate said, plopping a bowl of chips and a smaller bowl with warmed queso dip in front of them. "I know it's late for heavy stuff but…do we care?"

Laughing, Emma shook her head and reached for a chip. "Absolutely not," she said, coating it with the dip and taking a large bite. "If there's one thing I miss about being in California, it is having decent Mexican food."

"Hard to believe that with all this city has to offer, they have crap Mexican."

"Agreed," Emma said, settling back after a few chips and pretending to watch the screen. "I also don't get the people who stand out in the freezing cold."

Nate let out a hearty laugh. "You really never stopped being a New Yorker, did you?"

Emma smirked, a smirk that Nate recognized as his father's. "Guess not."

The conversation grew quiet, save for the sound of crunching chips, soft cheers from the television, and an occasional sigh from the still sound asleep Noah. Nate shifted a little bit and moved towards the opposite corner of the couch from his sister, but observing her demeanor.

"Em…"

"Don't," she said softly. "It's fine. I know you didn't want to be here then, or even now. I get it."

"It's not that, Emma," Nate said, propping his feet on the coffee table and preparing to try and reconnect with his sister, though their bonds hadn't ever really severed. They were just experiencing the strain of trying to deal with trauma and both having different ways of coping. "It was more just…wanting to feel normal. Live life, ya know?"

"No," Emma snapped. "I don't know."

Nate narrowed his eyes, taking in the pure exhaustion that had overcome his sister. He had noticed it when he first arrived, but it was even more pronounced then and it wasn't the time of night that caused that level of tired. "I guess, uh, well…you don't have a sense of normal anymore."

She remained quiet, eyes glued to the television which had now moved into a late night news show.

"I'm sorry," Nate finally said quietly. "I didn't realize."

"It's fine," Emma said simply. Her tone no longer had a bite, it was merely soft. "I'm glad you're able to find some normal, Nate. I really am."

"You deserve that too."

Emma finally looked over at her older brother and gave him a small smile. "Maybe so," she said, shrugging. "My therapist keeps talking about a 'new normal' but it doesn't make much sense to me. Normal is normal. There is no new or old normal. Or maybe, in reality, there's no such thing as normal at all."

Nate, not quite ready to have this deep of a conversation, decided to lighten it up. "Those college essays really had you thinking, huh sis?" He laughed a little bit and moved to much on more chips and queso. Emma, too, joined in with some laughter but with Nate's abrupt ending to the conversation, the pain in her eyes went unnoticed.

"Pass me the remote," she finally said. "The news is garbage…let's find a movie."

"Should we move Noah?"

Emma looked over at the little boy, a true and genuine smile growing on her face. "Nah. He's fine where he is."

* * *

The days following the turn of the new year brought about laughter and quality time together, sometimes just Ed and his kids, but often Olivia and Noah would be invited for the fun. The evening before Nate was set to fly back to Stanford, Ed made reservations at a nice but family friendly restaurant downtown. Bundled up in winter gear, they all piled out of the SUV, Ed handed the valet his spare key, and they entered the restaurant, waiting for their table to be ready. Ed kept his arm around Olivia's waist and Noah stood between Nate and Emma, happily babbling away.

Eventually they were brought to their table, it was round, just large enough for five, and placed in the corner by a large window. Noah begged to sit between Ed and Nate, but Olivia hesitated.

"Sweet boy, sit by Mommy, I need to help with your food."

"No," he demanded, shaking his head. "I sit here."

Ed winked at her, promised he didn't mind and Olivia laughed it off. "Well, at least I never have to guess what he wants." Emma took the empty seat between Nate and Olivia and they all got busy, deciding on drinks, appetizers, and main courses.

"This menu is huge," Emma murmured. "Where do I even start."

"No idea," Olivia said. "I've never been here." Turning to Ed, hopeful for recommendations, she asked him the same. "Have you?"

"Nope," Ed replied. "Nate you're the one who found the place. Ya gonna help us out?"

Nate just grinned. "I yelped it. Just pick something, people. It's not rocket science."

The adults laughed and Emma shifted a little in her seat. Olivia caught her out of the corner of her eye, but didn't say anything. She did, however, make a mental note to keep her eye on the young girl.

Their waiter, Paul, came to take drink orders and Ed requested a few appetizer plates to share. The five of them continued small talk, sometimes all together, and other times paired off in separate conversations. It wasn't long before the food and drinks were delivered. Noah's eyes grew wide at the large, triangle squares of friend cheese and looked up at the waiter.

"Tank you!" He exclaimed, trying to reach the plate. Ed chuckled, and moved him back.

"Hang on bud," he said.

The waiter paused. "Do you need more time to order?"

"Yes please," Nate said. "Maybe a few more minutes."

"No problem," replied Paul, before looking over and catching the eyes of Ed and Olivia. "You have a beautiful and polite family."

Paul scurried off, leaving Olivia and Ed to try and absorb the comment. Nate seemed to brush it off, Noah had no idea what was even said as he was chewing the small bites of fried cheese Ed cut up for him, and Emma was frozen, staring at her plate.

Olivia gently reached out to touch her arm, causing her to jump. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Emma responded, looking up into Olivia's warm eyes. "All good. Just took me a second."

"Wanna step outside for some air?"

Emma shook her head and gave Olivia a truly genuine smile. "No," she said. "I…it's really okay, Liv. I promise."

Satisfied for the time being that all was well, they continued on with their meals. By the time Paul brought around the dessert menu, they were all groaning.

"I ate too much," Nate mumbled, throwing his napkin down and slumping in his chair. "I cannot handle even looking at that menu."

Ed chuckled. "I agree," he said and checked the time. "Why don't we get the bill and head out. Still early enough for some board games, huh?"

"Absolutely," Nate said, Emma nodding in agreement as Nate continued. "One last night together."

On the ride back from the restaurant, Olivia took advantage of being in the front seat with Ed and leaned over the console. "Are you sure we should be coming back with you?" she asked in a whisper. "You need to make sure your kids don't want time, just the three of you."

Ed nodded at the suggestion, indicating he would check and Olivia offered a diversion to allow them some space to talk openly. "Do you mind stopping at my place?" She looked back at Noah, who was in need of a change of clothes as marinara sauce had dripped down his hunter green sweater. "I wouldn't mind cleaning up and getting into some fresh and more comfortable clothes."

"Sure," Ed said. "Good idea."

After dropping off Olivia and Noah, Ed quickly realized that both of his children genuinely wanted the five of them to be together.

"It would feel weird not to have the little guy around for my last night," Nate said.

Ed looked in the rearview mirror as Emma stared at the cars passing by. "Emma?"

"Yeah," she said quietly. "I like having Olivia around."

Satisfied, Ed shot Olivia a text and herded everyone into his apartment. They all quickly changed clothes, Emma poured the cider mix into the crockpot and turned it on, and Nate rummaged through the closet for some games.

An hour later, Noah was on Ed's lap, helping him lay down Uno cards, and they were all laughing and ribbing each other. Even Emma's face was lit up and her personality came out more and more as she would jab at everyone when she ended up having to draw. At one point, Ed had to draw several cards in one go and Emma laughed so hard she fell into Olivia, allowing the older woman to pull her into a tight squeeze. There was clearly no residual awkwardness after the comment from the waiter. In fact, from Ed's point of view, it was the exact opposite.

"Oh!" Olivia exclaimed, after a game had finally ended resulting in a victory for team Ed and Noah. "I brought cookie dough!"

Ed stood up and then reached down, pulling Olivia up and kissing her cheek. "I'll help ya get them started."

The couple sauntered into the kitchen while the three kids worked to compile the cards and shuffle. Noah was animatedly babbling to Nate and Emma, and they would respond with comments that neither Ed nor Olivia could hear. As Ed preheated the oven and Olivia kneaded the cookie dough, she paused and looked out into the living room. Her heart melted and a small smile grew on her face. Ed, noticing the pause, came over and wrapped his arms around her from behind, kissing her cheek.

"Nice, huh," he whispered as he pressed his face against hers, also enjoying the sight.

"More than nice," she said softly. "It's…perfect."

Allowing herself only a few more moments of pause, Olivia shook it off and scooped balls of dough onto the cookie sheet. As she worked, she couldn't help but let some hope to seep into her mind. Maybe her hesitation with Ed on the subject of moving in together hadn't been necessary. Perhaps, sooner than she thought, it could truly be a serious conversation. This moment, right here, was exactly what she craved in life. Her little boy having a family, people to look up to, a father figure. And for herself, a life partner. Someone who would love her and care for her, despite the damage from her past. Olivia was on the cusp of having everything she's ever wanted. Fighting off the bubbling panic that thought brought up, she instead moved to put the cookie tray in the oven, washed her hands, and rejoined the happy group in Ed's living room.

* * *

The following morning, Olivia came out of the back bedroom and sat with Noah as he played near the coffee table.

"Lucy'll be here soon, sweet boy," she said. "Wanna play with Mommy?"

The little boy eagerly put his truck down and scampered over, picking up cards. Olivia went through them, gently quizzing her little boy, hoping to add to his ever growing vocabulary. After months of being concerned, Noah had begun to talk more and Olivia was convinced it was being around people more, particularly Ed and his kids. Checking the time, Olivia was about to text Ed to see if Nate's flight got off okay, but Lucy finally arrived.

"Hey Liv, sorry," she said, hanging up her coat.

Olivia looked closely at her nanny. "You okay?"

"I went to pick up my other client and something was off," she said quietly, shifted around a little bit as if she was nervous. "The mom…her voice was shaky and she had marks on her neck."

Olivia cocked her head to the side as Lucy explained her morning.

"Anyways, you think you could just…stop by? And make sure everything's okay? I'm probably worried for nothing…"

"Of course," Olivia said, gathering her things and putting on her coat. "Noah, come give mommy a hug."

Noah ran into her arms and Olivia held him tight, kissing his head. "I'll see you later, sweetheart. I love you so much."

"Lovu," Noah responded quietly, before making his way back to his previously discarded dump truck.

"I'll check in later," Olivia told Lucy. "Emma, Ed's daughter, may come relieve you before I get off tonight. Ed's working late so she's staying over with us."

Lucy was used to this arrangement, as it usually occurred every couple of weeks. Emma would come and let Lucy head out and spend the evening with Noah and Olivia. As time went on, Lucy realized just how much Emma seemed to crave those moments. She never said as much, as they two young women didn't speak much, but it was obvious to Lucy that her time with Noah and Olivia was coveted.

Olivia bid Noah one more goodbye before finally leaving the apartment and putting the Crivello's address into her phone, finding the quickest route over.

* * *

Later that afternoon, right on schedule, Emma let herself into Olivia's apartment. It was quiet, which was unusual as Noah typically didn't nap this late.

"Hello?"

"Oh, hey," Lucy said, coming around from the kitchen. "Sorry, I didn't hear the door open."

"Where's Noah?"

"He didn't nap well earlier, so we tried again. I know I should've woken him up but…"

Emma's eyes narrowed as she took in Lucy's appearance. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah" she said quickly, aware of the events in Emma's past and not wanting to alarm her. "Got an email from my professor…just a little stressed, that's all."

Not buying it, but not knowing Lucy well enough to push, Emma shrugged it off. "Well, get out of here," she said, playfully. "I'll wake up little man and handle it from here. Have you heard from Liv, though?"

Lucy just shook her head.

"Weird. She hasn't texted me either," Emma mumbled. "Guess she's caught a big case…"

"Must be it," Lucy said, grabbing her stuff and heading for the door. "Thanks for this Emma. I'll see you later."

Lucy didn't even give Emma a chance to say goodbye before she was racing down the hallway and heading straight to the 1-6. Not wanting to deal with transit, she called an Uber and impatiently sat in the backseat until the car pulled onto the same block as the precinct.

"This is fine," she said, barely letting the car stop before sprinting up the stairs, into the elevator, and running straight into Carisi as soon as the elevator doors opened. She showed him the text Olivia had sent earlier and watched as color drained from the detective's face. He raced into the squad room, reporting the text message about William Lewis, and Fin shot up from his seat.

"Shit," he said. "Lucy what's the address?"

The girl rattled it off, her voice shaking, and watched as the detectives took off. Collapsing into the chair, all she could do was hope that her boss was okay.

In the elevator, Carisi impatiently hit the "G" button and Fin eyed him. "Ya think we should call Tucker?"

Carisi met Fin's glance and finally shook his head.

"Nah," he said. "Let's see what we are dealing with before we do that. Given everything they've been through…I don't want him to panic if this is nothing."

Fin nodded in agreement. "Okay," he said. "But it ain't nothin' if she's sending Lewis's name in a text message."

The knot in Carisi's stomach grew, knowing Fin was right, but they had to focus. He hopped into a cruiser and sped off, barely giving Fin time to buckle his seatbelt.

* * *

While Fin and Carisi raced to the Crivello residence, Ed was leaving the courtroom, having just testified in a case against a cop who had altered evidence in a case. He checked his phone and saw a few messages from Emma asking if he had heard from Liv. Responding that he hadn't, he was just about to shoot his girlfriend a text when his phone rang, Olivia's face popping up on the Caller ID.

"Hey baby, I was just thinkin' about ya."

As soon as Olivia started to talk, Ed's face went completely white and he felt his legs begin to give out from under him. Reaching out to steady himself against the wall, he listened intently to everything she was saying. Cole, watching his friend and colleague, came over to figure out what was going on.

"Okay. I'm on my way Liv. I'm gonna get you outta there, okay? I promise you. I love you so much."

Ed watched the phone screen as the call was ended and took a few deep breaths before he looked up at Cole.

"Get Hostage Negotiation on the phone. We've got an officer being held at a residence. Two kids inside as well."

"Ed?" Cole questioned, watching the silver haired man search for his keys and jog down the corridor of the courthouse.

"Just do it," he barked. "It's Olivia."

* * *

**_You know what to do._**


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

Ed arrived on the scene and searched pointedly for one of Olivia's detectives. Luckily, Carisi saw him first and jogged over.

"Captain Tucker," he said breathlessly. "Glad you're here."

"Of course I'm here," he said simply. "Can ya fill me in?"

Carisi gave him a quick run down of the situation and the more he spoke, the tighter the knot in Ed's stomach got, but he ignored it. Olivia was depending on him and he was not going to let her down. As Carisi finished speaking, Ed took a moment to compose himself. To an outsider, he looked just like the typical, intense, and concerned IAB Captain. There was no sign of the inner turmoil swirling inside of him as he pictured Olivia, his Olivia, in grave danger inside of the townhouse.

"Anyone hurt?" Ed finally asked, looking around at the team of negotiators that had assembled.

"We don't know," one of the officers answered honestly.

Ed continued to look around and made eye contact with Dodds, who looked like he had been more on the communication side than Carisi. "Anything else you can tell me?"

"I talked to them briefly," he said calmly. "Not too long ago. They're okay."

Ed nodded, grateful for Dodds' discretion while recognizing his deep connection with Olivia. Despite the official disclosure, Ed and Olivia did not flaunt their relationship and there were many people within the NYPD that had no idea they were together. But the eye contact Dodds made with him while saying they were okay was all Ed needed. Given he was the one Olivia specifically called in, he was finally granted a radio and made contact.

Inside, relief flooded Olivia's system as she heard Ed's voice come over the radio. Trying not to give away her emotions, she bit her lip and concentrated on his words and assuring the kids as the conversation and negotiations progressed. The sting of listening to Joe rape Tess was fresh in Olivia's mind, and despite keeping her voice steady and her demeanor cool as to not set off their captors, she couldn't get the screams out of her head. Dazed, she tried to concentrate on the sound of Ed's voice and the trust she had that he would help get her, and the kids, out of that townhouse alive. She desperately wanted to be with him, in his arms, and at home with her family, away from the horror she was living.

Ed stayed on the radio, continuing to ask questions and switching between Joe and Olivia. He assumed as long as he could stay in contact, he would at least know that Olivia was alive and relatively unharmed. Officers moved about but Ed paid them little attention. In fact, he didn't flinch at any activity until Dodds emerged from the townhouse after retrieving the injured hostage Joe had released.

"Liv?" He whispered as Dodds briefly stopped as he passed by.

"She's okay," he said softly. "But we gotta get them outta there."

Ed nodded and patted Dodds on the shoulder as a sign of thanks before his eyes went right back to the townhouse. He had in no way been prepared to handle the thought of her in peril and the longer the situation went on, the more frantic he became, though no one could tell. The only outward sign was his sharp blue eyes darting around the scene and taking it in. Wanting to stay in control, and not trusting any of the officers that were not directly associated with SVU, Tucker began to protest a few of the tactics.

"Captain Tucker, you shouldn't be here. You're involved with one of the hostages and we cannot afford for your emotions to drive the negotiation."

Ed gritted his teeth. "I know what I'm doing," he said slowly, "And that was out of line, _Chief_. So give me a little more time."

"You're not in charge here."

The words came as an almost angry, resentful, power-hungry order. Ed's eyes narrowed and his body tensed as he stared down the chief. In any other circumstance, he might have lost his cool, but in that moment he was briefly stunned which immediately turned into anger. Knowing he couldn't negotiate angry, he stayed quiet but his fists remained balled up at his side as he watched and listened to the negotiations continue. Eyes still darting around the scene, Ed stayed completely tuned in to what was happening, including watching for any movement within the townhouse. Though the chances were almost non-existent, he held his breath in hopes that he might catch just the tiniest glimpse of Olivia.

* * *

Emma and Noah were playing an updated version of the classic Let's Go Fishing game on the floor of Olivia's apartment, Noah giggling hysterically every time Emma would catch a fish and accidentally drop it, when Lucy came back into the apartment.

"Lucy!" Emma exclaimed, looking up from the floor and trying not to look like she wasn't happy to see her. "Did you forget something?"

Lucy came in and looked down at Noah before catching Emma's eyes.

"What is it?"

"I just…I thought I'd come hang out with you for a bit. And Noah. Ya know, until Olivia got back."

"Oh," Emma said, her eyes narrowing as she tried to read the nanny. Emma hadn't spent a lot of time with Lucy, but the few moments they had together she liked her. However this felt odd. "Well, wanna grab a rod?"

"Sure," Lucy said, shrugging off her coat and plopping down. Noah handed her a purple fishing rod and instructed her to go. Emma didn't stop observing the other young woman in the room. After several minutes of playing, Emma cleared her throat.

"Gonna tell me why you're really here?"

Lucy let out a breath. "Noah, why don't you go get Mommy's iPad. Watch a show?"

Not used to getting to watch iPad shows often, Noah's face lit up and he hurried to the back. Lucy sending Noah away had Emma's anxiety escalating quickly.

"Lucy what's wrong," she whispered harshly.

"It might be nothing," Lucy said. "But…Olivia went to check on one of my clients who was acting really funny. Then I got a weird text from her, before she stopped answering."

"She didn't respond to me either. And she always does once I tell her I'm here and with Noah," Emma said, her face showing some worry but she tried to talk her way down from it. "Maybe she just got busy. And predictive text can be really dumb sometimes…maybe that's why her message to you was weird?"

"Maybe," Lucy allowed, taking a few moments before continuing. "I went to the precinct and Sonny and Fin were going to just check in and make sure everything was okay at the townhouse," Lucy explained. "I waited around, but after a while I eventually decided to come here. Sit with you. Ya know…just in case."

"Just in case…what?" Emma asked in a hushed voice. The two didn't have time to talk anymore as Noah returned and handed Lucy the iPad.

"Mi'Mouse," he demanded, plopping onto the couch and settling in. "Mi'Mouse!"

While Lucy got Noah situated, Emma rushed to her phone, fired off a text to her father, and bit at her nails while she waited for a reply. Not hearing back from him after about ten minutes, Emma finally took to social media to see what she could find out. As she checked on various accounts, she finally landed on one and her entire body went numb.

"Oh god…"

* * *

Ed fought to keep his professional composure as the hostages were walked out of the townhouse, a gun held right into the back of Olivia's head. Throughout the entire ordeal, he lived with thoughts in his head that were merely imagined. Was she hurt, tied up, a gun pointed at her? All of that, at the time, was still a guess. Nothing was confirmed until they walked out of the house, and he saw with his own eyes that there was a gun pointed straight at her skull. Suddenly he wasn't only thinking of Olivia. He was thinking of Noah who was at home, happily playing and oblivious to the turmoil. Of Emma, who was with Noah and had really warmed up to Olivia, slowly building a relationship with her. Of Nate, who had purchased the most thoughtful Christmas presents for Olivia, despite his purposeful distancing from the unit. Ed was confident that not only could he not live with Olivia Benson, but his family - their family - would not survive if this situation went south. His eyes never leaving her body, Ed could tell she was afraid to move her head which didn't allow for him to make eye contact with her. A part of him thought that was likely for the best, as he wasn't sure he'd be able to hold it together if he saw the fear swirling in her deep brown eyes, a fear that he was sure his own eyes mirrored. But he watched the scene like a hawk, and every time Olivia winced, Ed winced too.

The officers were asked to move back several times. Each time, Ed hesitated but then did as Joe requested, realizing that even a sudden gust of wind could cause a bullet to pierce Olivia's head. He watched almost in slow motion as Olivia was able to get Joe to let the kids go, and he hurried to get them away from the scene before scanning the area, seeing that the snipers were in place and ready to take the shot as soon as they could. Ed held his breath as he watched movement and suddenly a shot rang out, Olivia stumbled forward, and Joe hit the ground.

"Lieutenant!" Carisi's call for his boss was loud, drowning out Ed's desperate cry of "Liv" as both men rushed towards the freed Lieutenant.

Ed reached her first and firmly wrapped his arm around her waist, feeling her body sway in a daze and shake in relief.

"I gotcha," he whispered, not caring that Carisi was on her other side and could hear everything he said. "I'm right here, Liv. You're okay. I've gotcha."

"Ed…" she breathed, leaning further into him. Carisi stayed close, but backed off slightly, recognizing the couple's need for a few moments despite the watchful eyes of many members of the NYPD. "_Ed,_" she said one more time before finally allowing him to pull her tightly into his chest.

Ed breathed deeply, inhaling the scent of her hair, and closing his eyes as he kissed at her head. "Thank god," he rasped. "You're okay, baby."

"Noah?"

"He's at home with Emma…and I think Lucy."

"I need to see him," she said, her voice muffled by his chest but no less urgent.

"We'll get him to you, baby." Ed smile into her hair. "We're all gonna be right here. Just…let's take care of you first, okay?"

Olivia stayed crushed into Ed's chest for a few more moments before pulling back and looking up at him, gripping his shirt. "Thank you," she whispered, her eyes searching his.

"For what?" He asked simply. "You did great in there, Lieutenant. Come on. Let's get you out of here."

* * *

Hours later, Olivia came out of the conference room back at the 1-6. She had changed into black leggings, a gray sweatshirt, and white tennis shoes. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and her face was scrubbed free of makeup after her brief hospital visit. Her look, though relaxed and comfortable, accentuated the bruises she had on her face. Ed was up, on his feet, and over to her within seconds. Grasping her hands tightly in his, Ed examined her face closely and gently kissed each scrape and bruise, not caring about the prying eyes.

"Okay?" He whispered, eyes frantically searching hers.

"Yeah," she said softly, but her voice quivered and Ed could feel the slight shaking in her body. "A little sore. Ready to see my son…"

Right on cue, a ding signaled the arrival of an elevator car and Carisi came in carrying Noah in his arms. As soon as the little boy set his eyes on his mother, he squirmed to get down.

"Mommy!" He ran as fast as his little legs could carry him and Olivia crouched down, catching him in her arms and holding him close.

"I'm right here," she cooed softly. "Mommy's right here."

Ed stood above the pair, keeping his emotions in check as he watched the scene. Finally looking up, he eyed Carisi and glanced around.

"Emma didn't come with you?"

"Uh, nah," Carisi said, rubbing the back of his neck. "She was…rattled. But insisted she shouldn't be here. That Noah should go, but she would stay behind. Mentioned wanting to clean up before Olivia got home…"

Ed nodded, not overly surprised with the reaction. "Lucy still there?"

"She was, but not for long."

Meanwhile, Noah cuddled with Olivia for a minute before pulling away and frowning as he looked at her face. He gingerly took his hand and poked at the bruise around her eye.

"Easy, Noah," Olivia whispered. She didn't want him to be afraid, but even the slightest of pressure on her cheekbone hurt. "Don't touch it, sweet boy."

Noah's eyes were full of concern, but he backed his hand away. After a few seconds, he leaned over and gently kissed the bruise. "Ah'betta," he exclaimed before burying himself back in Olivia's chest. Feeling the emotions bubbling up in her chest, she looked over to Ed, her eyes pleading with him to get her out of there.

"Take me home, Ed," she whispered, her eyes locked on his, pleading with him to get her out of there and to a place where they could finally release the day's fear and pain.

Ed nodded and kissed her forehead before ruffling Noah's hair. He reached out to shake Carisi's hand and Dodds came over and offered his as well.

"Thank you, Captain," Mike said.

"I believe I should be thanking you," Ed retorted.

Mike smiled and turned to Olivia. "Take all the time you need, Lieutenant. We can handle things here."

Olivia returned Mike's smile and nodded her thanks. She squeezed Carisi's hand as she passed by and nudged Fin's shoulder, giving him a grin and a knowing nod, before heading towards the elevator, Ed trailing closely behind. As soon as the doors closed to the elevator, Ed pulled Olivia and Noah back into his arms and held them tightly.

"I'm okay," Olivia whispered. "I'm right here."

"God, Liv," he rasped, kissing her temple and then kissing Noah's head. "It's so good to be with the two of you right now."

"Likewise," Olivia said, looking up into Ed's sparkling, but worried blue eyes and giving him a small smile. "Let's get back to Emma. How much does she know?"

Ed rubbed his face. "More than I wish she did…"

"Shit," Olivia muttered, wincing and hoping Noah hadn't heard. "Hopefully not the gunpoint part."

Ed let out a sigh as the elevator doors opened and he led them out, hopping into the cruiser he had parked illegally on the curb outside of the precinct. Once they were settled in the car, Noah snug in a borrowed carseat in the back, Ed reached over the console and cupped Olivia's face, kissing her deeply. His thumbs caught a few rogue tears that fell down her face.

"Thank you," she croaked, trying to prevent bursting into full blown sobs just yet. "Thank you for coming for me."

"I'm always gonna come for you, Olivia," he said. "Always."

* * *

"Oh fuck, is she okay?" Nate asked worriedly into the phone as Emma frantically relayed what she knew of the story.

"I guess," she said, her voice shaky but Emma refused to give into the emotion. "Dad said they are on their way back. And 'she's a little banged up'…whatever that means."

"But she's on her way home," Nate reasoned. "So I'm sure she's fine."

Emma scrunched up her face at Nate's distant tone. "I dunno," Emma responded slowly. "The news kept saying 'hostage' and that typically doesn't happen without a gun."

"Em…" Nate said with a sigh. He knew that she would be freaking out, and he could practically see her face as she worked to squash whatever she was feeling. Nate, though withdrawn, had processed the loss of his mother more than Emma and he knew his sister was a ticking bomb of emotion. She had gone through the motions of settling in, doing her work, and applying for colleges, but the entire time she had seemed relatively emotionless. During one of Nate and Ed's regular Sunday afternoon calls, Ed mentioned that Emma was warming to Olivia and that she seemed to be the one able to break through at times. Nate couldn't imagine that this scenario wouldn't set Emma off, but again, he found himself without the energy to deal with it. "Just, don't let your mind go there. She wasn't shot. She's fine."

The word 'shot' caused a jolt to run through Emma's body, but before she could snap back at her brother, she heard noises in the hallway.

"They are here…can I call you back?"

"Sure. I'm headed out soon, so just leave a message if I don't pick up," Nate said. "Tell them hey for me."

Emma hung up, surprised at his flippancy, but as soon as the door opened she forgot all about Nate's disinterest in their current lives.

* * *

As they pulled up, Olivia attempted to lift Noah out but her body screamed with soreness, so she reluctantly let Ed lift her little boy up and cradle him close. Olivia was never more than an inch or two away from Ed during the trek to the elevator and up to her floor, and as they neared the apartment, she felt herself grow nervous.

"Ya okay?" Ed was observing Olivia as she paused at her door.

Olivia shook her head, winced, and gave Ed a small smile. "Yeah, I'm fine," she whispered. "A little anxious about seeing Emma. And everything that comes…ya know…afterwards."

Ed nodded, understanding that she meant both her own emotional aftermath, and also those of everyone she loved. "I'll be right here," he soothed, shifting Noah to one arm so he could gingerly trace her bruise and kiss her lips. "Whatever happens, however you feel, however any of us react…I'll be right here."

Smiling, Olivia let out a breath. "Together," she said softly, before taking out the keys and unlocking the door.

Olivia entered first, turning to allow Ed to get inside with Noah before she quickly locked the door and trailed behind.

"Hey Em," she heard Ed whispered and caught a glimpse of him kissing her head before walking to the back to get Noah down. Olivia took a deep breath and made her way into the living room, giving Emma a small smile.

"Hey," she breathed out, moving slowly towards her.

Emma's eyes darted across Olivia's face, taking stock of the bruise that seemed to be getting worse. She stood frozen for a minute or two before shaking her head slightly, biting her lip, and moving into Olivia's arms. Olivia held her as tightly as her body would allow and rubbed her back, but Emma didn't stay in them long. Pulling back, she continued to observe the older woman.

"Are you okay?"

Olivia nodded and gave her a smile. "I am," she said, but continued on honestly. "Have some bruises and I'm a little…dazed. Out of it. But I'm okay."

Emma wrapped her arms around herself and cocked her head to the side. "I'm so glad you're okay," she whispered and swallowed hard as tears tried to bubble up. Olivia went in and gave her another firm hug and kissed the side of her head.

"I want to take a shower and help get Noah in bed," she said softly. "But then I'll be back out and we can talk…or not talk…or whatever. Okay?"

Emma nodded and stepped back. As Olivia made her way down the hallway, she called out. "Liv?"

"Yeah?" Olivia said, turning around.

"Are you hungry? Have you eaten? I can order," she said, her words coming out fast as she pulled up the app on her phone.

Olivia smiled. "Actually, I haven't," she replied. "Something…light? Warm?"

"On it," Emma said, falling back onto the couch and scrolling through delivery options. Finally deciding on a Thai place that Olivia had mentioned before, she ordered bowls of pho and a couple of appetizers before heading towards the kitchen, but she stopped abruptly. Eyes roaming around and taking in the cabinets, appliances, and organized clutter, Emma froze. Unable to get images of her mother out of her head, she stumbled back and to the couch, desparate to get them to stop as they were now mixed with images of Olivia. She was just coming out of it when Ed finally wandered back out and came to sit next to her, totally unaware of what had just transpired. Hoping to deflect attention off of herself, Emma immediately questioned Ed. "Are _you_ okay?" Her eyes were wide as she studied her father's body language. Having been so focused on Olivia's safety, she had little time to think about the effect it must have had on Ed.

He let out a breath. "I'm just glad we are all together in this apartment," he mumbled honestly. Ed allowed his head to fall back against the couch and he rolled it over so he could see Emma. Her eyes were glazed over and red, but assuming it was from both exhaustion and worry about Olivia, he momentarily let it go and focused on her question. Reaching out, he grasped Emma's hand. "It was a long few hours," he said.

"Understatement," Emma muttered and Ed nodded.

"How much did you hear about what happened?" Ed dove right in, hoping to get a read on how to handle conversations moving forward. If Emma was unaware of how the hostage situation ended, he was perfectly content to keep it that way.

Biting her lip, Emma shifted nervously and Ed could tell she was trying not to think about it.

"Enough," she said shortly.

"Em…"

"Stop it," she whispered harshly. "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I can't…I can't let myself picture this…so just…don't."

Hands up in surrender, Ed relented. "Okay," he said softly. "Okay, Emma. It's okay."

"No, it's not," she hissed. "But right now it's not about me."

Ed just continued to analyze Emma's facial expressions. "Well," he said slowly. "It is a little bit. It's about all of us now."

Emma shook her head. "I want to stay, see Olivia again and just…see her," she explained. "Make sure she eats. Then I'm going home."

Ed shook his head, startled a bit as he assumed they were all staying at Olivia's. "Emma…"

"You stay here," she said quickly. "You have to stay here with her. But I want to go home."

Ed objected gently. "I don't think you should be alone right now," he said firmly.

"I'm fine."

Before Ed could argue, Olivia came wandering in from Noah's room. She stopped as she rounded the corner from the kitchen and observed the scene in front of her. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No," Emma said quickly. "Dad and I were just talking about plans."

Before Emma could keep talking, Ed interrupted her. "We are both gonna stay here tonight," he explained, Emma's eyes widening. "No one is gonna be alone right now."

Too tired to argue or call either one of the Tuckers on the tension in the room, Olivia sighed. "Good," she said softly, moving to the couch and plopping herself in between Ed and Emma. "This is right where I want everyone."


	35. Chapter 35

_**Happy Thanksgiving**_

**Chapter 35**

Ed placed a fresh glass of water on Olivia's nightstand before handing her one of the sedatives she was given at the hospital. He sat on the edge of the mattress and watched as she bit the pill in half and swallowed. Ed gave her a questioning look.

"I wanna sleep, but I don't wanna be groggy," she explained, setting the glass back down and reaching out to play with his fingers. Ed let her do as she wanted for a few moments before he leaned over to kiss her lips and gripped her hands tightly in his.

"How ya feelin'?" His eyes scanned her face and he couldn't help but wince every time he looked at the deep purple tint that her cheekbone and eye now had.

"Tired," she admitted softly. "But I don't want to close my eyes quite yet."

Ed's heart cracked a little. Squeezing her hands one last time, he moved over to his side of the bed, crawled under the covers, and pulled her securely into his chest. Olivia laid perfectly still for a few minutes and Ed thought she may have dozed off until she shifted slightly, took a deep breath, and lifted her head slightly so she could dazedly look into Ed's eyes.

"Are _you_ okay?"

Ed didn't answer. Instead he reached up and traced her entire face with his index finger, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Ed?"

"I want you to rest," he finally answered, kissing her forehead. "We have plenty of time to talk about how I'm doing…but I just want you to rest."

Olivia didn't move, continuing to gaze at him. She knew the sedative would kick in soon, but she could feel Ed's racing heartbeat and desperately wanted to calm him down.

"I will," she said slowly. "But I want you to rest too."

Ed finally took one hand and rubbed his face, before settling them back into the pillows and guiding her head to his chest, playing lightly with her earlobe. "Right now I'm just relieved," he rasped softly. "Incredibly relieved. I know we'll have to rehash other feelings later, and we have a lot to work through. But for now, for tonight, I just want to be relieved."

Pushing her tears down, Olivia nodded her head and nestled it under Ed's chin.

"Okay," she said sleepily. Ed pulled the comforter up and tucked it around their necks so they were fully ensconced and secure. After a few minutes, he felt Olivia's breathing even out signaling she had drifted off to sleep. Closing his eyes, Ed reminded himself that he had everyone under one roof and they were all safe and secure. The more he convinced himself of that, the heavier his body began to feel as the emotion of the day turned into pure exhaustion. Kissing Olivia's head one more time, Ed finally allowed his eyes to close and he fell into a deep slumber, never releasing Olivia from his grasp.

* * *

Around three-thirty, Emma gave up on tossing and turning on the couch, grabbed a soda from Olivia's fridge, popped a pill, and settled in to watch a Netflix show with a very low volume. Olivia's tree was still up, something she had embarrassingly laughed about the other day, but Emma found the lighting to be comforting that night. She curled up in the corner of the couch, which seemed to be her new habit no matter where she was, and pretended to pay attention to the story being told on the screen.

She must have dozed off because the sound of the ice machine startled her and she gasped as the sat up.

"Sorry," Olivia rasped, her voice heavy with sleep. "I forgot to switch it to water…"

Emma rubbed her eyes. "It's okay, Olivia," she said quietly. "I must have dozed off."

Olivia filled her water glass and stumbled around the counter to the couch, sitting down more towards the middle and closer to Emma.

"What's on?" Olivia took a big gulp of water and sat it on the side table, stretching her legs out in front of her.

Emma eyed her for a little bit. Her cheek looked worse and from the way she moved, Emma could tell Olivia was incredibly sore.

"Documentary. British monarchy," Emma said, a slightly embarrassed smile. "I'm a little enamored…"

Both woman sat in silence, blankly staring at the television, before Emma shifted again.

"Were you scared?" Her voice was soft and childlike. As Olivia contemplated her answer, she looked over and studied Emma's face and was reminded that she _was_ still young, and still reeling from an unimaginable trauma in her own life. Olivia felt she had no choice but to be honest.

"I was," she said softly, reaching over to grasp Emma's hand. "But I had to concentrate. I had a job to do. But…yes, I was scared. It was hard to not think about Noah. Your dad. You. Nate."

Emma's eyes looked a little surprised. "You thought about us?"

Squeezing her hand tighter, Olivia ignored the soreness and twisted her body a bit so she was facing Emma directly. "Of course," she whispered, feeling Emma's hands shaking in hers. "What has you awake?"

Emma swallowed and looked down, unsure how to answer the question.

"Have you been asleep at all?"

"A little," she offered. "Just took another pill."

"Are they helping?"

Emma grunted. "Not sure much is gonna help right now."

Studying Emma's face, Olivia let the comment sit for a little bit, for she had no rebuttal. With the hostage situation so close and fresh on everyone's minds, she also didn't feel like now was the healthiest time for them to rehash. Olivia was tired and sore, Emma was barely hanging on, and Ed was grasping Olivia's pillow while he slept fitfully in her bedroom.

"I hear that," Olivia finally said before yawning.

"You should go back to bed," Emma said softly, rubbing Olivia's forearm.

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked. She did want to crawl back in with Ed, but something about the look in Emma's eyes had her feeling as if she should stay on the couch for a little longer.

But Emma gave her a soft smile. "I'm sure," she said.

Olivia slowly stood up, wincing a little bit as she moved her body around. As she walked away, Emma called her name softly.

"What is it, sweetheart?"

She stood up, walked slowly over to Olivia, and wrapped her in a soft hug. Olivia had to swallow her tears as she wrapped her arms around Emma and kissed the side of her head.

"I'm so glad you're okay," Emma whispered, before pulling back and giving Olivia a soft smile. "Now, go sleep."

Olivia returned the smile and cupped Emma's cheek for a few seconds. "You too."

Alone again, Emma wrapped her arms around herself and began to look around the living room. Knowing she hadn't taken a pill that long ago, she found herself making her way back to the bathroom and picking up the bottle. Her mind was still conflating the last 7 months and it was becoming too much to handle. Popping another pill, she collapsed back onto the couch and texted Amanda out in California, on the off chance that she was still awake.

* * *

The next morning Olivia groaned as she rolled over and blindly felt around the bed for Ed. Realizing his side of the bed was empty, she rubbed her eyes and sat up slowly, trying to focus her vision.

Hearing her moan, Ed came darting out of the bathroom in his boxers, shaving cream covering half of his face. "What's wrong?" His voice was almost frantic as he looked over her body.

Olivia gave him a smile. "Nothing," she said. "Just trying to move. A little sore."

Ed let out a breath and smiled, brushing her hair back. "Sit tight," he said. "Let me finish this shaving job and I'll get you whatever you need."

Olivia nodded and leaned back against the headboard, watching Ed's shadow move around the bathroom. "You have to go in?" She called out, taking a sip of last night's water and wincing at the hoarse sound of her voice.

"Yeah. They need me to do a little paperwork from yesterday," he explained hesitantly, splashing his freshly shaven face with water and using Olivia's hand towel to dry it, inhaling her scent guiltlessly. A few minutes later, he wandered back out and found Olivia standing up and slowly pulling a hoodie over her head. "Here," he said softly, helping get her situated. "Coffee?"

"Exactly where I was headed," she said with a smile. "You get dressed."

Ed kissed her lips, watched her shuffle out of the room, and smiled when he heard her say good morning to Emma. He quickly finished his routine, threw on fresh suit pants and a white button down, and headed out to join the girls.

"Morning," he said, rounding the counter to kiss Emma's head. "Sleep okay?"

"Like a baby," she said, rolling her eyes and sipping the coffee Olivia had placed in front of her. Ed gave her a funny look before heading back into the kitchen and joining his girlfriend.

Olivia reached up and traced his face. "Smooth," she commented with a smirk. But her smirk was a little more dull than usual, at least the Ed. He couldn't quite get past the injuries to her face. "It's okay, Ed" she said, correctly sensing his displeasure at the idea of leaving her at home this soon after a traumatic event. "I'm gonna take it easy. Be lazy with Noah today."

"You're still so sore…" Ed whispered, his finger once again gravitating to her eye. "And this…just keeps looking worse."

"That's how bruises work, honey," she said softly, her eyes cutting over and analyzing Emma's face. She sat emotionless, staring into her beverage. Nodding in that direction, Ed followed her gaze and frowned.

"Em?" He asked, releasing Olivia from his arms and leaning over the counter. "What's your day like?"

"I'm not sure," she murmured, pulling out her phone and checking her class schedule.

"Anything you can't miss?"

Emma's eyes darted up to Ed's. He never suggested her missing school. "You're gonna let me skip?"

"No," Ed said slowly. "I'm going to let you stay home, get some rest, and help Olivia."

"Does Olivia want me to stay and help Olivia?" Emma asked, looking over at the older woman and trying to gauge her reaction. Ed's idea had surprised them both.

"I'd love that," she said softly.

"Okay," Emma shrugged, dropping her phone back onto the counter.

Ed gave Olivia a relieved smile and went to grab his iPad. "Great, I'll email the school."

* * *

Ed and Noah were sitting at the dining room table when Olivia returned from a mandated therapy appointment, covered in snow flakes as a storm was moving in that evening. It had been two days since the Utley situation, but Olivia's first visit to Lindstrom. She shook off her boots in the foyer of Ed's apartment, hung her jacket on a hook, and padded her way into the large, open living and dining area.

"Mama!" Noah exclaimed, holding up his giant, cardboard cards.

"Hi sweet boy," she said, kissing his head and lifting him so he was sitting on her lap. "Playing your new matching game?"

Noah nodded and looked to Ed for him to put down the next card. It was a game Emma had purchased him for Christmas, during her shopping trip with Olivia.

"Red bird," Ed said slowly, pointing at the photo on the card. "Can you find the other red bird?"

Olivia smiled at her son's face as he concentrated on looking at the other cards. Despite a heavy therapy session, she couldn't help the peace that washed over her body as she sat with her son and ever-patient boyfriend, watching them bond. Noah finally found the card and his face lit up as Ed praised him and Olivia kissed at his cheeks.

"How was it?" Ed asked once Noah climbed down and ran over to his toy basket, clearly done with the game.

"Okay," she said softly. "A lot to work through. We didn't get very far."

Ed grunted and reached over to grab her hand. "Can't imagine ya did. _We_ still haven't even talked about what happened in that townhouse."

Olivia bit her lip and nodded. "I know," she whispered. "Not yet, please," she pleaded. "I just…"

"Hey," Ed whispered, moving around pulling Olivia up and into his arms. "There's no pressure. At all."

Olivia leaned up and kissed his lips. "Do you mind if I lay down a bit in your room?" She yawned on cue, as if Ed needed any kind of convincing. "Maybe Noah will nap with me. Do you have to go back in?"

Ed had cut out early that day to watch Noah, as Emma needed to be at school and despite staying home and helping Olivia the day before, she had closed herself off again.

"Nah, I can check in from here," he said. "Emma should be home soon, too."

Olivia nodded and curled up in Ed's chest for a bit longer. "I'm worried about her."

Ed just grunted. "I'm worried about _you_."

Patting his chest, Olivia gave him a soft smile. "I'll be okay, baby," she whispered, kissing him once more. "I have you."

Ed threaded his fingers through her hair and kissed her more deeply before turning her around and giving her a playful pat on the butt before directing her to his room.

"Go get changed," he said. "I'll wrangle the little guy."

* * *

Ed had just replaced the lid on his brass, oversized pot after giving the veggie chili a stir when he heard the door open and a few thuds, indicating Emma was home. He rounded the corner of the kitchen and went to help her, picking up the bag she had dropped while trying to take off her wet, snowy outer layers.

"It's so gross out there," she mumbled, pulling her hair up, finally down to leggings, a sweatshirt, and fuzzy socks.

Ed kissed her forehead and ushered her to a stool at the bar. "Want a drink?"

"No," said, rubbing her arms. "I'm okay for now. But thanks." She looked around the room, noticing remnant of Noah. "Noah and Olivia here?"

"They are," Ed said softly. "Asleep back in my room."

Nodding, Emma took out her phone and pulled a few things up. "Listen, dad, I was talking to Amanda," she said, turning her phone around and showing him her Delta app. "I have enough miles to go see her this weekend, ya know, because it's a long weekend."

Ed let out a sigh and looked at the flight she had pulled up. "Em, I don't know," he said slowly. "It's not the best time…"

Narrowing her eyes, Emma pulled her phone back. "Why not?"

"There's just a lot happening."

Emma let out a huff and rolled her eyes. "There's been 'a lot happening' for a long time," she argued.

Ed carefully considered his next words and tried to offer a compromise. "How about we look at your spring break? You could go for the full week. And I'd pay for it, so you could save your miles."

Emma let out a frustrated groan. "I just…I really just need to get away right now," she finally admitted, her voice cracking a bit as she stood up and moved into the living room. Ed followed, trying to figure out how to approach the situation.

"I know you want to get away," Ed said. "My hesitance isn't about that, but…is LA really the best idea? And it's not…well it's not really about you right now, either."

As soon as the words came out, Ed realized his mistake because Emma's body jolted and her eyes narrowed.

"Wait, I didn't mean that the way it sounded…"

"I haven't asked for anything," she finally spat out. "Nothing. I moved back here with you. I changed schools. I've gone to therapy. I've smiled and 'moved on.' And I've stayed out of the way, getting to know Olivia, so I didn't disrupt your life."

"Emma…" Ed gasped, guilt settling deep as he realized how she had been feeling. He moved towards her but she threw her hands up and stopped him, taking some deep breaths.

In the back of the house, Olivia had stirred at the noise and after checking that Noah was still sound asleep, she packed pillows around him and tip-toed out of the room, stopping abruptly in the hallway as she heard the exchange.

"Emma, I just meant that there's a lot to consider," he reasoned.

"Oh but Nate can just do whatever the hell he wants?"

Ed's head snapped up and he went to respond, but Emma cut him off.

"He's out in California, living his life, and NO ONE has questioned that. He missed Thanksgiving, rarely calls me, has all these support groups. But I'm supposed to be just fine, to do what is best for everyone."

"Emma that's not the case and you know it."

Olivia had made her way slowly into the living room, sensing how this was escalating and knowing Ed was struggling to keep control of the impending meltdown.

"Oh is it?" Emma watched as Olivia rubbed Ed's back lightly before moving between the two of them, but she wasn't given a chance to say anything.

"Have you forgotten that my mother, my best friend, not only died…but died ON TOP OF ME."

Tears sprang to Olivia's eyes and she moved to Emma, trying to take her arm, but Emma yanked it away.

"She was SHOT on top of me. Nobody was there. NOBODY. I was all by myself. And now…now Nate doesn't come home, and you go to work," she said, looking to Ed before turning Olivia. "and…and…you," she gasped, trying to catch her breath. "You are…I…I like you…I love you…but you just…"

Ed and Olivia couldn't do anything but watch as the tears finally began streaming down Emma's face and she wrapped her arms around herself, body shaking, trying to put her feelings into words. They had talked at length, multiple times, about how to try and get her to open up, how she never mentioned that night and what had happened. Ed would point out she was likely dealing with it in therapy, but Olivia remained convinced that they would get to a point where it would come out. And despite witnessing the pain that Emma was in, and feeling it crack her heart open, Olivia felt a tiny amount of relief that she was finally talking. Finally crying. Finally saying anything. But it wasn't over.

"What is it, Emma?" Olivia's voice was soft. Ed watched in shock, unsure how to respond, but Olivia switched quickly into crisis mode. "Tell me. Tell us. It's okay."

"I can't handle losing you too," she finally said, sobs beginning to overtake her body. "Either of you. And you both…you both just walk right into these places…and there are…are…guns…where you go, where you work…and…and…"

"Jesus," Ed said, running his hand over his face and finally feeling the reality of their situation sink in.

"Oh Emma," Olivia said, moving to hug her, but Emma threw her hands up.

"No," she said. "Don't touch me. I can't do this."

"Sweetheart," Ed said, finally unfreezing himself, but Emma was having none of it.

"I need some air," she spat, pushing past them and throwing her outer wear back on.

"Emma wait," Ed said, going to the foyer. "Let's just talk this through."

"I'm done talking," she yelled. "I don't want to do this!"

Ed reached out to grasp her elbow, preventing her from leaving.

"LET ME GO!" Emma screamed, causing Olivia to run up and wrap her arms around Ed, soothingly rubbing his chest.

"It's okay," she whispered to him. "It's okay." She turned to Emma and gave her a teary smile and nod. "Let her get some air, okay? Do you have your phone?"

Emma looked between the two of them, her eyes dazed as she tried to make sense of what had just happened. She felt herself want to run to them and apologize, to talk more, but the idea of being close to Olivia, and even her dad, in that moment scared her. So Emma nodded, wrapped her scarf tightly around her neck, and darted out of the apartment.

"Liv…" Ed gasped, his hands shaking as he stared at the closed door. They could hear the ding of the elevator as they stood in silence.

"Okay," she said, turning him around and crashing into his chest. Tears streamed down Olivia's face as she held Ed. "It's okay."

He held her to him tightly, almost too tightly, but she didn't care.

"What do I do?" He finally whispered into her hair. Olivia shook her head, searching for words, but the sound of tiny footsteps interrupted their moment.

"Mama?"

Pulling herself out of Ed's arms, Olivia wiped at her face before going to Noah, who was standing at the end of the hall, his bed head sticking out all directions. Ed watched as she scooped him up and cuddled him, kissing at his face. He rubbed his face vigorously before checking his phone, the first of many times that evening he would look for a notification from Emma and not see one.


	36. Chapter 36

**_To my reviewers: Thank you for not only reading, but also reviewing. Just a little note to say that you never, ever have to apologize for not writing well in English. I am honored that you read my work and hope that you continue to enjoy…and leave me notes! I've also appreciated some of the heartfelt and personal reviews that have been left. I hope that my writing continues to be meaningful, impactful, and at the very least provide us with the Tuckson we all need and deserve ;)._**

**_Also, I had planned for this chapter to go a certain way but…well…this happened instead. (shrugs) _**

**_Chapter 36_**

Ed was pacing. His phone was gripped tightly in his hand as he traversed the length of his apartment. He would stare out of the living room windows, looking down at the streets, before sighing and walking by the kitchen, straightening things that were already in place. Then he would walk down the hallway and look into Emma's room.

Olivia watched from the couch, where she sat and spoke with Fin quietly on the phone.

_"__She got any friends she may have gone to?"_

Rubbing her forehead, Olivia shook her head before remembering Fin couldn't see her. "No," she said quietly. "Not that I'm aware of."

_"__Let me know when you're at the point you want me to trace her phone."_

Olivia smiled at her oldest friend's offer. Emma had been gone for only a few hours, which in no way warranted a phone trace, but Fin was ready to do it. Olivia could even hear Mike Dodds in the background asking if he should make the call.

_"__Nah, stand down for now."_

Chuckling at Fin telling her squad's second-in-command to stand down, she thanked him and told him that she would check back in later. Olivia hung up the phone, checked to make sure Noah was still engrossed in his show, and padded towards the back hallway where Ed was still looking into Emma's room.

"Where the hell is she?" His voice was raspy and low, but Olivia could hear the hint of both anger and fear in the tone.

Rubbing his back, she rested her chin on his shoulder, peering over it into the recently cleaned bedroom, for Emma was not one to like clutter.

"I don't know," Olivia answered honestly. "I was hoping she was just going for a quick walk, maybe a hot chocolate…" Her voice trailed off, thinking back to their conversation before Christmas. The guilt was beginning to set in. "Ed, I'm sorry I pulled you back and let her go. I really thought she needed space. I still think that, but…"

Snapping out of his self pity and anger, Ed turned around and cupped Olivia's cheek with one hand. "You're the last person who should be apologizing," he said. "I should be apologizing to you…and Emma…for a lot."

Olivia shook her head. "I don't think any of us need to apologize," she finally surmised. "We've been dealt a shit hand recently. Everyone's doing the best they can. And we knew…or had anticipated…Emma hitting her breaking point."

Ed ran his hand through his hair and looked down the hallway.

"Yeah," he said. "I didn't anticipate…_that_."

"I didn't either," Olivia agreed, taking his hand and leading him back down the hall and into the living room. They curled up on the couch together and Olivia smiled as Ed mindlessly played with her hair. "I think that I…we…have been so focused on getting her settled and trying to find a new routine, that perhaps we didn't let ourselves really think about what happened to her."

She paused, giving Ed time to react or respond, but he didn't.

"Or at least, I didn't," she admitted. "It's like I knew she was in pain, but I never let myself really sit with what she went through."

Ed gripped her hair and kissed her forehead. "I didn't either," he finally whispered. "I didn't let myself get remotely close. I just couldn't."

The couple sat in silence for a while, watching Noah who was happily absorbed in a Winnie the Pooh episode. Ed's fireplace was on and crackling in the background, and he eventually shifted to look out the window.

"Snow's really comin' down," he said, his voice filling with worry again. Picking up his phone, he typed in the code and checked his messages, seeing nothing. "I'm gonna go look for her…"

He stood up and Olivia tugged at his arm. "Where are you even planning to go?"

"Nearby stores and coffee shops," he said simply. "If she's not there, Fin's gonna trace her phone. I'm not doing this. _We _are not doing this with her."

Standing up, Olivia forced Ed to look at her. She stared into his eyes and kissed his lips softly. "Don't do that," she whispered. "Don't get mad at her."

"She shouldn't be worrying us like this," he grumbled, knowing Olivia was right but he felt better being angry instead of worried.

"Emma is scared," Olivia reasoned. "And traumatized. She's not trying to worry us, she's just trying to survive."

Ed took a few deep breaths before kissing Olivia one more time. "I'll be back."

* * *

Ed walked into a familiar coffee spot, stomped his feet at the door, and made his way to the counter. A man that Ed always assumed was the owner greeted him.

"Awful weather out there," he said. "What's brings you out in it? Need a large?"

"Ah," Ed said, taking off his gloves and warming his hands. "Maybe just a small."

"Comin' right up," the man said, humming along. "Been slow today."

"I bet," Ed mumbled. "Hey, listen, my daughter didn't come in today, did she? Couple hours ago, maybe?"

"She did," he confirmed, handing Ed the cup and sliding him a cardboard holder. "Got her usual hot chocolate. Sat over there by the window for a bit. Seemed…upset? But before I could check on her, she was gone."

"Ya didn't see where she went, I assume?"

"No," the guy said, shaking his head. "Sure hope she's not missing? It's nasty out."

Ed's lips formed a straight line, but he didn't answer the man. He fumbled for his wallet, but was waved off.

"On the house," he said. "Hope the girl's alright."

"Thank you," Ed said, bundling back up and taking back off into the storm. He sipped the coffee quickly before dropping the half-empty cup into a corner trash can. Standing on the corner of Ninth Avenue and Sixtieth Street, debating whether to head towards the park of towards the river. Ed knew the odds of running into Emma were slim, but his guilt was eating at him, and the longer he didn't hear from her the more worried he became. Shooting a quick text to Olivia, he decided to check a couple of places by the park before heading home and conceding they should call Fin.

* * *

Emma wandered aimlessly down eleventh avenue, sipping hot chocolate that she gripped with her gloved fingers. She veered into DeWitt-Clinton park and walked by the ball parks, towards the playground and the water front. The sun had already set, and given the thick, gray clouds and heavy snow, it was dark and the street lamps were dimmer than usual. But Emma didn't care. She kept walking, before coming to stop at the railing and looking down over the piers and eventually out over the Hudson River. She shivered, taking another sip of her drink before it, too, got cold, and kept staring blankly.

_She was motionless on the floor, the weight of her mother's body fully on her. Squeezing her eyes closed, she held her breath, hopeful Chris would think they were both hit and would leave her alone. _

_It worked._

_As soon as she heard the door close, Emma let out a strangled cry._

_"__Mom?"_

_She couldn't move her body, she was completely frozen, but she could feel something wet dripping and seeping into her clothes._

_"__Mom, say something. Please"_

_"__Mom, it's okay, he's gone."_

_Still too frozen to try and move, Emma stayed perfectly still, terror having paralyzed her. _

Eyes closed, Emma allowed the bitter breeze and cold flakes hit her face, reminding her she was in New York, not back on the floor of her Los Angeles home. Taking another sip of her hot chocolate, she let out a deep breath, watching it disappear into the wind, and lost herself in the memories.

_"__Hello?"_

_Emma heard someone break down their front door. Terror was replaced by relief, as they identified themselves as officers. Again, she tried to cry out._

_"__Help us…" _

_She thought she yelled, but it apparently came out softly. Luckily it was enough._

_"__I hear something. In here!"_

_Before she knew it, her mother's body had been rolled off of her. One officer began working on helping Suzanne, while the other knelt by Emma and checked her for injuries._

_"__Are you hurt?"_

_Emma's entire body started shaking. "No," she squeaked. "My mom…"_

Ice cold tears streaked Emma's face as she looked towards the sky, blinking rapidly against the heavy, wet snow. She let out a cry before tossing her hot chocolate as hard as she could over the railing and covering her face with her gloved hands. Emma wanted to sob, she wanted to scream, but all that came out of her was that one cry before she felt her emotions freeze up again.

Unsure of the time, she fumbled for her phone which was in her pocket. Pulling her right glove off with her teeth, she went to try and unlock it but noticed it was off.

"Fucking cold," she muttered.

Finally cognizant of her surroundings, she nervously looked around at the darkened area. Knowing she didn't want to face her father yet, she began a slow walk back out of the park, debating her next move.

* * *

"Anything?" Olivia rushed up to Ed once he returned, but noticed he was alone.

"She's been to the coffee shop," he reported. "But that was a while ago. I wandered to a few other places she likes, but between the weather and size of this city, I wasn't gonna find her."

"Dammit," Olivia whispered, biting her lip. "Ed, do you think she went to the airport?"

Collapsing onto one of the dining room chairs and resting his face in his hands, Ed let out a sigh. "I thought about that possibility. But I don't think so. I know she's upset, but I just cannot see her getting a plane and not telling me."

"I can't see it either," Olivia said, moving to sit on Ed's lap. She cupped his face and nuzzled his nose, shrieking a bit at how cold it was. "But I figured I would ask."

Ed pulled Olivia close. "Am I hurtin' ya?" He asked, still aware that she was sore.

"No," she whispered, kissing his lips softly. "Despite what my eye looks like, I am feeling much better."

The couple stayed like that, staring into each other's eyes and gaining strength from each other, until Noah dumped out a container of blocks, startling them out of their moment.

"Ed!" Noah screeched from the floor. "Ed, pay!"

Olivia laughed and kissed Ed one more time before standing and pulling him up. "Pay, Ed, pay," she said, mimicking Noah's voice with a smile.

Ed kissed her one last time. "I just wish she would check in…"

Olivia gave him a small smile. "We'll find her," she said. "I'll put some coffee on. Go hang out with Noah and we can debate our next move."

After another hour, Ed was done waiting and so was Olivia. While Ed was more frustrated, Olivia was just plain worried. They had called everyone they could think of who may have seen or heard from her. The list of places she would go in the city felt short and Ed had exhausted the his ideas. Ed had also spoken at length with Nate, who hadn't heard from Emma at all and seemed surprised at her outburst. He knew it wasn't the time to call him on it, nevertheless Ed was a little bothered at just how distant Nate seemed on the phone given they couldn't find his sister. He had scratched his head and finally decided to let him go.

"Will you let me know if she reaches out to you? Thanks, son. Love you. Bye."

Tossing his phone on the couch, Ed groaned. "I don't even know anymore," he finally said. "Should we have Fin trace her phone?"

Olivia bit her lip and gave Ed a worried smile. "I just called him," she explained. "Apparently Dodds already ran it. Put her somewhere near DeWitt-Clinton. He's on his way to check now."

Ed checked his watch. "It's after nine," he exclaimed. "What the hell is she doing in the park?"

Shaking her head, Olivia pulled her phone out and once again tried to dial Emma, but it went straight to voicemail. "If her battery died, they won't be able to track it…"

"I'm going back out," Ed said, pocketing his phone and bundling back up. "I can't just sit here…"

"Ed…"

"I'll check in, I promise," he said, kissing Olivia's lips. "Call me if you hear anything."

"Of course," Olivia said. "I'm going to call Amanda's mother again, just in case."

Leaning over, Ed kissed Olivia one more time and frowned at her cheekbone. "I'm sorry, baby," he said softly. "This is…the last thing you need."

Olivia shook her head. "Don't do that," she said firmly. "Its the last thing any of us need, but this isn't about me."

Ed closed his eyes briefly, thinking back to his misstep with Emma. "I didn't mean it the way it sounded, ya know, earlier," he said, his voice strained. "I was trying to explain that my not wanting her to go to LA had nothing to do with her…but it came out wrong and…_fuck_, Liv."

Seeing Ed's distress was heartbreaking and Olivia pulled him to her, kissing his ear through his beanie and holding him tight.

"This isn't your fault," she whispered.

"Maybe not," Ed said, but his voice was semi-muffled as he had buried his face in Olivia's neck. "But I pushed her too far. Or didn't push enough sooner. I just…"

"Ed Tucker, look at me." Olivia pulled back and held his face in her hands, forcing him to meet her eyes. "This situation is…unbearable. It just is. It was unbearable _before_ what happened in that townhouse, but now it's just…there aren't words."

A rogue tear rolled down Ed's cheek, and Olivia softly wiped it away, wanting so badly to help him feel better, but knowing that wouldn't happen until they found Emma safe and sound.

"We're doing the best we can," she finally whispered. "And once we find her, and we will find her, then we keep doing the best we can."

Ed once again crushed Olivia into his chest and kissed her head repeatedly. "I'm so grateful for you. I…I can't do this without you."

"You don't have to," she said softly, before adding a line that hit Ed to his core. "And you never will."

Knowing it wasn't the time to address her comment, Ed squeezed Olivia as tight as he could in response, before reluctantly releasing her and pulling on his boots. He squeezed her hand as he reached for the door. "I'll be back," he said. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Olivia said, closing the door behind Ed and resting her forehead against the wood. She stayed there for a few minutes, gathering her thoughts, before moving to pluck Noah from the chair. "Okay, sweet boy," she whispered. "We're gonna stay at Ed's tonight. Let's get you to bed."

* * *

Nate was sitting on the couch, turning his phone around in his hand, when Bailey came out from the bedroom.

"Who was that?" She asked, drying her hair with a towel and sitting next to him, tucking a leg up under her body.

"My dad," he said softly. "Apparently Emma sorta blew up…and he can't find her."

Bailey sat up, her eyes wide. "They can't find her? What the hell?"

Nate just shrugged and Bailey looked at him, astonished.

"What is wrong with you, Nate? Your sister is missing," she stressed, reaching out and shaking him lightly by the shoulders. "I get you wanting to distance yourself, but snap the fuck out of it. She's your sister. Aren't you worried?"

"Of course I'm worried," he hissed. "I've been worried since fucking July!"

"Well you sure don't act like it," Bailey retorted.

Nate stood up and paced. "Well, what would you like me to do, huh? There's nothing I can do to fix any of this," he exclaimed, his voice getting louder the more he spoke. "I wasn't able to help her back then and I can't help her now, can I?"

Sitting quietly, and letting him vent, Bailey's eyes followed her boyfriend. "None of this is your fault."

"Is it?" Nate ran his hands through his hair. "My mother was murdered while jumping on top of my sister while the two of us were fucking in my car," he spat, looking down at the floor. "I wasn't able to do anything then, and I can't do anything now. I'm pretty useless."

"Nate…"

"Just, stop," he finally said, rubbing his face and throwing himself down on the couch. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Nothing to be sorry about," Bailey shrugged. "Just tell me how I can help."

Nate let out a frustrated sigh. "Let's just…watch this stupid movie." He took the remote, hit play, and sunk further into the couch, pretending to pay attention to the action on the screen.

* * *

Ed jogged up the sidewalk and met Mike Dodds where he was coming out from the playground area.

"Anything?" Ed asked, frantically looking around and hopeful Mike had some news.

"No," he said quietly, putting a hand on Ed's shoulder. "No sign of her. I combed the area, checking to make sure she didn't drop anything…or…well, for any other sign…"

Ed shuddered as he thought about some of the things Dodds was likely looking for, but decided it was a positive thing that there wasn't anything left behind.

"I've put the unofficial word out," he finally said. "To some friends who work in the area…NYPD is on the lookout, Captain Tucker."

"Thanks," he muttered, looking around as if somehow Emma would just appear.

"Can you think of anywhere else she might have gone?"

Ed's head snapped back towards the Sergeant. "You think I haven't already gone over this? I'm a cop, too, Dodds." The venom in Ed's voice was stark and Mike backed off, hands in the air.

"Okay," he said quietly. "Just…tryin' to help."

Ed shook his head. "Sorry," he finally said quietly. "I'm sorry. I'm just…worried."

Mike nodded and looked towards the exit. "Come on," he said. "My cruiser is on the corner. Let's warm up and regroup."

* * *

Olivia was frantically pacing, clutching her phone as she waited for Ed's return. Her eyes kept going to the clock on the brick wall, and once it passed midnight her entire gut was churning. Ed had been checking in regularly as he had joined Mike Dodds in an unofficial search for Emma, but they kept coming up empty. It was to the point where Mike was ready to make it an official investigation, given the weather, and Ed was inclined to agree.

Hearing the door open, Olivia dropped her phone on the couch and darted over to Ed.

"Oh my gosh, Ed," she gushed, helping him brush the snow off and taking some of his wet gear. "You're freezing."

"Yeah, it's a little chilly out," a voice from behind Ed said. Olivia looked up and saw that Dodds had accompanied Ed back home. Once they had shed their outer layers, the trio went into the living room and convened around the coffee table. Ed was sitting flush against Olivia, gripping her hand, as Mike ran through the options.

"Do you think we should alert the airports?"

Olivia felt nauseated at the thought and could feel Ed tense up even more.

"God, Mike," he said. "She just went out for air. I just…are we really there?"

Olivia bit her lip. "Ed," she said slowly, trying to get him to look at her. "We…we might be."

"Goddammit," Ed whispered, his breathing picking up before he finally yelled "Where the fuck is my kid?" He stood up and moved over to the fireplace, using the poker to move the wood around, before dropping it and leaning over the mantel. "This just…she wouldn't do this to us. She just wouldn't. I know she's upset, but…what am I missing here?"

Suddenly Olivia shot up, her eyes wide.

"What is it, Liv?" Dodds asked, getting his phone out, ready to report whatever idea she had.

"Has anyone checked my apartment?" Olivia was already moving and looking for her keys. "Emma has a key. How did I not think of this? Maybe she's there?"

"Liv…"

"I can go over there right now…"

"Olivia, I called your building. The doorman hasn't seen her. He knows to call," Ed said softly, but Olivia was not deterred. "And if she's there…why isn't she responding to us?"

"He could've missed her," she reasoned. "Just…just let me go check. And if she's not there, then…well, we can file the report."

Ed's eyes were full of pain and worry, but a glimmer of hope as he met Olivia's. She had the best instincts he knew, and he trusted her this this.

"Okay," he said. "Let me come with you."

"No," Olivia said, shaking her head and beginning to bundle up. "You stay here. In case she comes back." Patting her pockets, she darted over to kiss Ed before heading to the door. "I'll call as soon as I'm there."

Olivia ran out of the apartment and seeing the wait time for an Uber, decided to just jog the entire fifteen blocks to her building. She no longer felt the soreness or the cold. Her only focus was getting to her building, as she was convinced that's where she would find Emma. As soon as she arrived in the lobby, her doorman greeted her.

"Lieutenant," he said softly. "I haven't seen her."

"Did you knock on my door?" Olivia breathlessly asked, rushing to the elevator and barely hearing his response.

"I did," he said. "No answer."

"Maybe she didn't hear you," she murmured, jumping into the elevator and hitting the button for her floor over and over, willing the car to move faster.

The doors finally opened to her floor and she struggled with her keys, as the adrenaline was causing her body to shake.

"Dammit," she whispered, before finally getting it unlocked. "Emma?"

Olivia cut the lights on and quickly moved through her apartment, checking all the rooms including closets.

"Emma? Emma, come on. Please be here…"

Olivia turned around in the living room and ran her fingers through her hair, eyes wide as she kept replaying the earlier scene when she pulled Ed back, allowing Emma to leave. The guilt, along with the reality of the situation, began to sink in and Olivia couldn't help but blink back tears.

_"__Fuck."_


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

"Emma?"

Olivia cut the lights on and quickly moved through her apartment, checking all the rooms including closets.

"Emma? Emma, come on. Please be here…"

Olivia turned around in the living room and ran her fingers through her hair, eyes wide as she kept replaying the earlier scene when she pulled Ed back, allowing Emma to leave. The guilt, along with the reality of the situation, began to sink in and Olivia couldn't help but blink back tears.

_"__Fuck." _

Just as Olivia pulled her phone out to dial Ed, she heard the locks jiggle and the apartment door opened.

"Emma…" Olivia gasped, almost running towards the young girl. "Oh, thank god."

Emma was shaking. Her hat, coat, and gloves soaking wet with snow. Her face was pink and her bottom lip, almost blue, quivered as she slowly stripped out of her winter gear. She could barely say anything, but didn't fight as Olivia helped her hang up her wet clothes.

"Oh, sweetheart," Olivia said softly, holding Emma's shoulders and looking into her tired blue eyes. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

Shivering, Emma shook her head and reached up to grip Olivia's arms. "I'm fine," she whispered, almost too softly for Olivia to hear. But she did, and if she wasn't so concerned about the state of the girl in front of her, she might have laughed at the absurdity of Emma's answer.

"Oh, honey, you're not fine," she responded. "But I need to know if you're hurt. Do we need a doctor?"

Emma shook her head again. "No," she finally answered. "I…I'm sorry."

Heart cracking, Olivia shook her head. "You don't have to apologize, Emma," she said. "It's okay. Its gonna be okay."

"I don't want you to be mad at me. Or my dad."

"We aren't mad," Olivia emphasized. "We were worried…we are still worried."

Emma took a deep breath and her body shuddered. "I didn't realize how late it was and…and…I'm not even sure I remember…I'm just so cold."

Olivia couldn't take it anymore and pulled the young girl into her arms. Collapsing into Olivia's chest, Emma allowed her to hold her tightly and rock her back and forth gently.

"It's okay, Emma," Olivia whispered, eyes closed in relief as she held Ed's daughter. "It's okay."

"I just wanted to feel something," Emma mumbled, muffled by Olivia's sweatshirt but she still heard the words. "Something other than fear or pain. And then I…I didn't mean to…"

"Come on," Olivia said, sitting them on the couch and pulling one of her heavy winter blankets over Emma's body, who hadn't make an attempt to move out of Olivia's arms.

"I'm sorry, Olivia," Emma mumbled over and over as her body slowly warmed up and the shaking stopped. "I'm so sorry."

"Shhh shhhh, it's okay. Nothing to be sorry for. I'm just so glad you're okay," she said, resting her chin on the top of Emma's head and closing her eyes as she held her. "So so glad. You're gonna be okay, Emma. I've gotcha."

The pair stayed like that for a few minutes before Olivia shifted and tried to catch Emma's eyes. "I need to call your dad real quick," she said, reaching for her phone. "Just for a second."

Olivia kept one arm around Emma, almost as if she was afraid the girl would bolt again, and hit speed dial one.

"Ed, hey, I've got her."

Ed closed his eyes and sank back into the couch. "Thank god," he rasped. "Is she okay?"

Olivia glanced down at Emma. Her eyes were glazed over and her face still had a pinkish hue. "I think so," she finally whispered. "Listen, are you okay if we stay here a bit longer? Warm her up?"

Ed rubbed his forehead. "Of course," he said. "Just…I have so many questions."

"Me too," Olivia agreed. "But the good news is we have all the time in the world to ask them."

Ed sighed into the phone and Olivia heard a little crackling in the background.

"Liv, thank you," he finally said. "Let me know when you're on your way back?"

"Of course. Love you."

"Love you, too."

Olivia ended the call and dropped her phone next to her thigh on the couch. Emma pulled back from Olivia and dropped her face into her hands, letting out a groan. "Dad's gonna kill me…"

Shaking her head, Olivia patted Emma's leg. "He's not," she said simply, deciding it wasn't going to do them any good to harp on what happened in that moment. "Let me get you something warm to drink." Olivia stood up, made sure the blanket was still tucked around Emma's shoulders, and moved to the kitchen. "Tea? Coffee? I think I'm out of cocoa mix…"

Emma moved to stand up, wobbling a little bit as she tried to get her bearings. "Olivia, do you think we can just go home?"

Olivia smiled, put the coffee tin back down, and turned the kitchen light off. "Absolutely," she said. "Let me get you some dry clothes and we'll get out of here."

A few minutes later, Olivia returned with clothes for Emma to change into. The young Tucker dropped the blanket back onto the couch and slowly made her way to the back of the apartment, but paused before going into the bathroom.

"Olivia?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

Smiling softly, Olivia padded over to Emma and cupped her face, wincing slightly at just how cold she still was. "Emma, I care about you. That's not something you have to thank me for."

Emma was unable to meet Olivia's eyes, but she nodded and bit her bottom lip. "Still," she said, her voice barely audible. "Just…thank you."

"You're welcome."

* * *

Ed dropped his phone onto the coffee table once Olivia ended the call and allowed his head to fall forward for a bit. "She's got her," he reported to Dodds, just in case he hadn't picked up on that from the one-sided phone conversation.

Mike nodded, shooting off a quick text to Fin so he could call everyone down, and eyed Ed. "Benson say how she was?"

"She didn't say a lot," Ed allowed. "All I know she's okay. Or I assume she's okay. Still don't have a lot of information."

Checking the time, the SVU Sergeant raised his eyebrows. "She was gone for…seven? Eight hours?"

Ed let out a long breath. "More than that, I think," he finally said.

"Liv mention anything? Whether she thought something may have happened?"

"No. Nothing," Ed rasped before slapping his thighs and standing up. "I'm gonna make some coffee and call my son."

Mike nodded and stood up. "How about I make the coffee," he offered. "You make the call."

"Thanks," Ed said, rubbing the back of his neck. "You, uh, you gonna stick around?"

"I'd like to. Make sure there's nothing I need to know."

Ed's stomach twisted into knots at the statement, but as a cop himself he understood. "Good," he said, voice strained. "Make yourself at home. I'll be out in a bit."

Ed trudged to the back of the apartment, peeked in on Noah who was peacefully snoozing away in Nate's room, and almost went into his own bedroom but instead hooked a right and opened Emma's door. He looked around the peaceful haven that her and Olivia had set up before sitting on the edge of her bed and calling Nate.

"You find her?" Nate skipped the pleasantries and went straight to the point.

"Yeah. Liv's got her."

"Where the hell was she?" The venom in Nate's voice surprised Ed, and he had to talk a couple of deep breaths before responding.

"To be honest, I don't know," he said, his own voice showing some frustration. "Right now I'm thankful she's alive and okay-ish. But I'm worried."

"Well she shouldn't just fucking take off like that."

"Nate, that's enough," Ed finally hissed into the phone. They phone was quiet for a bit, as both men tried to come down from their own frustration with the reality of their situation. Finally, Ed softly picked the conversation back up. "Listen, son, I want you to do what you need to do to be okay. But I also want Emma to be okay. And she's having a harder time than I think any of us realized."

"Well maybe if she'd talk about it…"

Ed sighed. "Okay," he relented, not having the energy to get into this kind of conversation with his son. "It's late out there. Hopefully you'll be able to get some sleep now that this is over."

"Yeah, I've got a test tomorrow," Nate responded. "I'm gonna get back to my studying."

"Hey, Nate?"

"Yeah Dad?"

"I love you. And…I want you to call me if you need anything, okay?"

"I will. I'll check in tomorrow after class."

Ed hung up the phone and stared at the blank screen for a little while before scanning Emma's room. The weight of the last eight months was crushing him. His son barely wanted to come home and seemed incredibly uninterested in their lives, his daughter had basically disappeared in a blizzard for almost ten hours, his girlfriend was still reeling from being held at gunpoint for an entire day, and Ed just couldn't keep up. Up until that afternoon, despite all of their trauma he had felt like his family was sticking together. They were all in pain, but they had been trudging through life together. But all of a sudden he felt like he was losing his grip, and he was desperate to have Emma and Olivia back in the apartment.

As if on cue, his phone pinged and Ed looked down to see a message from Olivia saying they were on their way back. Breathing out a sigh of relief, Ed took another look around Emma's room before heading back out to the main living area and taking a deep sniff of coffee scent.

"God that smells good," he said, moving to grab a mug. "Mike, ya need some?"

"Got some already, Captain," he said, holding up his mug.

Ed rummaged around and pulled out a bottle of Bailey's. "How about this?"

Mike let out a chuckle and came over to the counter, allowing Ed to pour a generous shot into his coffee. "Necessary, I'm sure," he quipped, once again raising his mug to Ed. They both took a long, slow sip and exhaled at the same time. "Captain Tucker, I hope I'm not overstepping here, but I just wanna say…I have a lot of respect for you. Your family has been through hell, and then some. And I know I speak for all of Olivia's squad when I say we are here, and will do whatever you both need. Literally anything. You just have to ask."

"Thank you, Sergeant," Ed said, his professional tone returning. "I appreciate that. I know Liv does, too. And…thank you for everything you did today."

"Of course," he said simply. "Family is family."

Ed let out a little grunt and took another sip of the spiked coffee. It was funny hearing the 'family is family' term coming from a member of Olivia's SVU squad, but the more he let the comment sit, the more it permeated his core. He and Olivia had successfully, thus far, managed their relationship in a way in which it only grew stronger each day. Not only that, but they had slowly begun to meld their lives together. Very few things were separate now, including their units. Cole was invested in Olivia and Noah in the same way that the 1-6 seemed invested in Ed and his kids. After the chaos and pure terror of the last ten hours, Ed somehow found himself settled and deeply appreciative of what he and Olivia had managed to build despite the storms.

He was just getting ready to respond when the door opened. Slamming his mug down on the counter, Ed rushed around the corner and into the hallway, observing as Olivia gingerly helped Emma once again shed the snowy, outer layers. She still shivered, but to Ed she appeared to be okay.

"Emma," he said softly, moving towards her and noticing she wouldn't look up at him. "Hey, it's okay," he said soothingly as he reached out and smoothed her hair back.

Still unable to meet his eyes, Emma allowed her father to pull her into his chest and in that moment, Ed felt his body shed the anxiety and worry from the entire evening. She said nothing, but stayed in Ed's embrace for a few minutes, before pulling back.

"I…" she began before her eyes landed on Mike Dodds, who stood back and observed the scene. Her stomach lurched as she realized the police had likely been involved. "Oh god," she whispered, shaking her head. "I'm so sorry…"

"Hey," Ed said, quickly realizing where her head had gone. "It's okay. Sergeant Dodds and Fin…they were just doing us a favor."

Mike stepped forward with a soft smile. "Nothing official," he confirmed. "We were just helping out your dad and Olivia."

"Okay," Emma replied, her voice beginning to quiver.

Mike looked at Olivia, and then at Ed, before continuing. "I know you're probably exhausted, and cold, but any chance I can ask you just a couple of questions? Then I'll get out of here and let you rest."

Emma nodded, still not making eye contact with her father. "Okay," she whispered.

"I'll put water on for some hot chocolate," Ed said, making sure he was out of the way but close enough in case Emma needed him.

"I'm going to check on Noah," Olivia added. "But, Em, if you need me…"

"It's okay," she said softly, moving towards the living room and sitting on the couch while Mike Dodds settled in a nearby armchair. They spoke quietly for a little while. Ed and Olivia watched from the kitchen and once she was content knowing Emma was answering the questions, Olivia departed to check on Noah. Ed stood in the kitchen, taking small sips of his drink and kept his eyes on his daughter. She seemed so small in that moment. He recognized the pullover she was curled up in as Olivia's and smiled at how much his girlfriend would dote on her whenever Emma allowed it. Ed's jaw tensed, however, as Mike pulled out his notepad and jotted a few things down.

_Did something actually happen?_

But Mike smiled and reached out to squeeze Emma's hand. He must have said something either funny or nice, because Emma gave him a small smile and stood up as he walked to the door.

"I'll get out of here," Dodds said, grabbing his coat. "Let you all settle in. Emma, do you mind if I check on you tomorrow?"

"No," she said. "That would be fine. Again, I'm really sorry."

Mike paused zipping up his coat, and just like both Olivia and Ed had done, looked at Emma softly. "Don't apologize. You're home. You're safe. That's what matters. Take good care."

"Mike, thank you," Ed said, inserting himself quickly to shake the Sergeant's hand. "Really appreciate it."

"Of course. Tell Liv I'll check in tomorrow." With that, Mike Dodds was gone. Ed locked the deadbolt and the chain of the front door, tidied up the foyer, and turned around assuming he would find Emma on the couch. But she was still standing, almost frozen, in the hallway between the kitchen and the foyer, arms wrapped around her body and staring at the floor.

"Daddy, I…" Emma began, but her voice broke and she shook her head, unable to say anything further. Ed took a tentative step towards her, as her body language was still closed off, but when she didn't flinch he finally reached out and pull her tightly into his chest.

"It's okay," he whispered into her hair.

"It's not," she said, her shoulders beginning to shake. Emma's body had been so cold that she was unable to feel anything, but as it began to warm up and her mind somewhat cleared, she realized that she, too, was scared about what had just happened. "Nothing is okay."

Ed just held her tighter, as he didn't know what to say. They stayed like that for several minutes before Emma pulled back slightly and wiped her face with the baggy sleeve of Olivia's sweatshirt.

"I need to shower," she whispered. "Are you…will you be awake?"

Emma finally looked up and met Ed's eyes, and he could see all the pain, terror, and trauma swirling around in them. "Absolutely," he assured her. "I'll be right here, okay? Take your time. Let me know if you need anything."

Nodding, Emma gave him a small smile before heading to the back of the apartment. He heard her rummage around in her room and was still in the hallway, watching her exit her room and enter the bathroom, closing the door and starting the shower. Ed remained in place until Olivia tip-toed out of the room Noah was asleep in and wandered back down the hallway and into Ed's embrace. She wrapped her arms around his sturdy chest and let herself melt into his grasp. Ed wound one hand through her hair and the other rubbed her upper back continually. They stayed in each other's arms, not saying anything, for what seemed like hours. Eventually Olivia shifted and stepped back, stroking Ed's cheek and kissing the opposite one.

"Come on," she whispered, taking his hand and leading him to the couch. "Sit with me."

The couple settled in on the couch. Olivia was leaning back, with her feet propped on the coffee table, and Ed was leaning into her chest, his feet mere inches from hers.

"Here," he said, passing her the coffee mug. "It's spiked."

Olivia chuckled and took a long sip before handing it back and playing with his hair. "Good," she said. "I needed that."

Ed twisted around so he could take a good look at Olivia's face. Like a magnet, his fingers went straight to her still-visible bruise and traced it lightly. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel good, Ed," she assured him, and for the moment he believed her. "The soreness seems to have gone away, though I suppose that could be because we've had other things to think about."

Ed grunted, placed the mug on the coffee table, and took both of Olivia's hands in his, unable to tear his eyes away from hers. "Thank god for you," he whispered, kissing her lips lightly before nuzzling her nose. "Thank god for you."

"Mmmmm," she said, moving in to kiss him once again and more deeply. They stayed lip locked for a few minutes before Olivia pulled back and took a good look at Ed. His eyes were tired, dark circles forming around them, and his jaw was still tense. She rubbed the area where his jaw ran just under his ear and tilted her head. "I've got my work cut out for me, getting this handsome face to relax, huh?"

Ed let out a little laugh and turned his hand, so her hand was at his mouth and he could kiss at her fingertips.

"She say anything to Dodds?" Olivia asked softly as Ed kept his lips on her skin, now kissing around her wrist and up her arm.

"Couldn't tell," he answered, reluctantly pulling away but keeping her hand in his. "They talked for a little bit, though. Did she say anything to you?"

"No," Olivia admitted, her voice regretful. "She was just so cold. And dazed. To be honest, I wonder if she even is aware of how long she was gone, let alone have a clear memory of where she was or what may have happened."

Ed let out a sigh. "You're probably right. She still seems out of it."

"And she may be for a while, Ed," Olivia warned.

"What do I do?" Ed asked, before correcting himself. "What do _we_ do?"

Olivia smiled, heartened by Ed's inclusion of her in the post-Emma outburst planning. "I think we allow ourselves to be grateful she's back and unharmed…that we can tell. I think we should be gentle with her. Gentle with ourselves. Maybe see if we can get her a few extra therapy appointments, and go from there."

"Doesn't seem very…I dunno…productive," Ed said, a little annoyed at the fact he couldn't just magically fix this situation.

"Maybe not," Olivia allowed. "But Emma needs us to be patient and steady. She needs to be reminded that we are okay and not going anywhere. That it's okay to express her emotions, and to maybe express them _before_ she feels the need to disappear again."

Ed sighed. "I know it's the wrong time," he said softly, "but I just can't help but think how much easier this would be if we all…were under one roof."

Olivia gave Ed a tight-lipped smile, but stopped her body from tensing. "Well we are for tonight," she said before kissing him softly. "And maybe one day, Ed Tucker. One day."

* * *

**_Still a lot to come, but hopefully this'll get ya through the week._**


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

Ed tossed and turned, unable to sleep. It was after three before he and Olivia even got into bed, but sleep eluded him. He finally laid still on his back, afraid of waking Olivia from a desperately needed slumber, and stared at the ceiling fan that spun slowly above them. Emma hadn't been very talkative once she had returned from her shower. Ed could tell that she was struggling for words and he eventually made the executive decision that their family had dealt with enough for the moment and they turned in for the night. He and Olivia had talked quietly once under the covers, but eventually she drifted off to sleep curled against his chest. Ed remained still, holding her close, until she rolled over. That was when he began his restless tossing and turning.

Rubbing his hand over his face, Ed tried to clear his mind and come up with attainable steps they could take. First and foremost on his mind was figuring out where Emma had been and if she was truly okay. Having already made the decision to not send Emma to school the next day, Ed was hopeful that in the morning he, or Olivia, could get some more information. But not far down the list of things on his mind was how to move forward and what he could do differently. Her comments about both him and Olivia purposefully putting themselves in positions that were not only dangerous, but dangerous by gun, were bothering him. It had never crossed his mind that one of Emma's responses to what happened with her mother would be pure terror at his job. Would he need to retire? Transfer units? Was this why Emma took so long to warm up to Olivia? Could this set them back? Delay the move Ed, and presumably Olivia, were ready to make?

Suddenly the thoughts were too overwhelming. Ed checked his watch and seeing it was almost five, decided to just get up. He rolled over, kissed Olivia's cheek, and slipped out of bed and into the bathroom. Waiting for the shower to heat up, Ed brushed his teeth and hunched over the counter, allowing his head to drop. He must have stayed in that position longer than he realized because when he finally looked up, the mirror was fogged up. Letting out a chuckle, Ed dropped his boxers and stepped into the steamy shower, a deep sigh leaving his body as soon as the hot water hit his back. He allowed himself to stand under the spray, forcing his muscles to relax, before turning around and reaching for the shampoo.

"Want some help with that?"

Ed jumped slightly and smirked, turning around slowly and letting his eyes rake over Olivia Benson's naked body that had just joined him in the shower.

"From you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "I always want your help."

Olivia smiled and reached behind him to grab the bottle. "Well that's settled," she said, pouring a dollop into her hand and beginning to massage it into Ed's scalp. His eye's fluttered closed and he let out a groan as Olivia firmly rubbing her fingers on his head, taking special care to try and relieve tension as the shampoo cleansed his hair.

"God," he said, his voice low. "That feels good."

Olivia didn't let up and kept massaging, but added her lips to the equation. She moved her mouth from his shoulder, across his chest, nibbled at his throat, and moved out towards the other shoulder.

"Relax," she whispered. "Just relax."

"Baby," he groaned, reaching down and pulling her hips flush against him. "Ahhhh." Olivia's mouth had made it to his pecs and she playfully nipped at him before pushing him under the spray and rinsing his hair. Ed resisted the urge to push her against the shower wall and have his way with her. Instead he took a deep breath and enjoyed the feel of her lips traversing his body and her hands lightly tickling his sides, before gripping his ass and pulling him close.

"Are you relaxing yet?" Her voice was low, sultry, and unbelievably sexy as she asked him that question.

"Not quite," he managed to get out, having be rendered almost speechless.

"Well, what will get you there?" Olivia's mouth made a smacking noise as she pulled away from where she was biting at his chest. Water dripped down her face and eyelashes as she looked up at him, expression full of desire.

"You know the answer to that, Lieutenant," Ed said, one had snaking up her body to her breast and the other hand keeping her lower half against his. "I want you…"

Olivia backed him against the shower wall and pressed their lips together, cupping his face and holding it in place as they devoured each other. Ed quickly moved his hand between her legs, flicking lightly and making sure she was ready before he lifted her thigh up and entered her a little quicker than he usually did.

"_Ah_," Olivia moaned, throwing her head back and biting her lip. "_Yes._"

They remained like this for a few minutes before Ed needed to find better footing in order to make love to her like he wanted. Olivia quickly found her back against the adjacent shower wall, Ed cradling both of her thighs as he moved in and out of her furiously. Olivia let out a half moan-half grunt with each thrust. Ed kept his face buried in her neck, panting and letting out his own soft cries.

"Don't stop," Olivia gasped. "Oh god, don't stop."

"Never," Ed grunted, moving faster and harder. They both let out near simultaneous carnal grunts as they finished together. Ed kept Olivia pinned against the wall of the shower, his forehead pressed against her temple as they tried to catch their breath. "Come on," he finally whispered, pulling her back directly under the spray. "My turn to wash your hair…"

Fifteen minutes later, Ed and Olivia were playfully bumping into each other in front of Ed's mirror. Olivia clipped her wet hair back and pulled on leggings, a bra, and a tank and chuckled at Ed's frown.

"Sorry babe," she said sassily. "Can't walk around naked with the kids…"

Ed just grunted and looked in the mirror. "Damn, I forgot to shave," he murmured. "Someone distracted me…"

"Won't do it again, Captain," Olivia responded, resting her chin on his shoulder and watching their faces in the mirror. Ed reached behind him and traced her cheek.

"This looks better," he said. "And distract me anytime…"

Olivia patted his sides and headed towards the door. "I'm gonna peek at Noah and start the coffee."

Ed watched his girlfriend pad out of the bathroom and only turned back to the mirror once his bedroom door clicked shut. He admired himself in the mirror, taking stock of his tired eyes but also the tone of his body. He wasn't sure why Olivia Benson was with him, but as he reached for the shaving cream and slathered it on his neck and face, Ed decided he was grateful for whatever her reasoning was and he was determined to keep her.

* * *

Olivia peeked in on Noah, careful as she opened the door, and she smiled softly at the sight. Noah was curled up on his side, blanket tucked under his chin so that all Olivia could see was his face and the face of his teddy bear. His brown hair was sticking up and Olivia wondered if he would need a haircut soon. She softly closed the door and checked the time, deciding he would likely sleep for at least another hour. Making quick work in the kitchen, Olivia had coffee brewing and the orange rolls Ed kept in stock heating up in the oven when she heard footsteps coming down the hall.

"Morning, Olivia," Emma said softly, yawning as she finished wrapping her hair in a bun on top of her head. "You're up early…"

Chuckling, Olivia padded over and gave Emma a side hug. "Could say the same thing about you."

"Couldn't sleep," she said honestly, moving to sit on a bar stool at the counter.

"Noah's probably the only one who slept well last night," Olivia mumbled. "Coffee?"

"Sure."

Olivia poured two mugs of the freshly brewed coffee and added almond milk to each one.

Emma laughed. "Dad rolled his eyes when I first asked for almond milk," she said. "He'll love that I've converted you too."

Smiling warmly, Olivia made her way out of the kitchen and sat next to Emma at the counter. They sat in silence for a few minutes, sipping coffees and trying to wake up, before Emma put her mug down and vigorously rubbed her face.

"When do you have to go back to work?"

Olivia also set her mug down and turned so she was facing Emma. Much like Ed, Olivia had not forgotten Emma's comments from the day before and while they would eventually need to talk about it, for the moment she chose to tread carefully.

"I still have some mandatory counseling sessions left," she explained. "Then hopefully they'll clear me to return."

"How do they decide if you go back or have to do more?" Emma's eyes were wide. She seemed genuinely curious about how the process worked.

"Well," Olivia said, twisting her lips as she thought. "I don't know for sure. They want to make sure we are thinking clearly. That we've processed whatever event has us in their office, and…well, I'm sure they have some way of knowing that we won't go off the rails."

"So when do you think you'll have to go back?"

Taking a deep breath, Olivia reached out to tuck a piece of hair behind Emma's ear, but she flinched and Olivia immediately retracted her hand.

Shaking it off a bit, Olivia just answered the question. "I can probably go back on desk duty in a few days," she said softly. "Hopefully back in the field maybe a week after that."

Emma nodded and took another sip of her coffee. "Doesn't seem like a long time."

"It's not," Olivia allowed. "But, I've been through worse and I really do feel okay. So I'm hopeful."

Olivia immediately regretted her "I've been through worse" phrase as Emma squirmed in her seat. It was several minutes before Emma began to reply, but right as she said Olivia's name they were interrupted by the sound of footsteps scampering down the hallway.

"Mommy?"

Olivia stood up and smiled as Noah came down the hallway, around the corner, and straight into his mother's arms.

"Good morning, sweet boy," she said, kissing his head and holding him tightly against her. "Did you sleep good?"

"Uh huh," he said, burying his face in her chest. "I seep at Ed's."

"You sure did. You like sleeping in that big bed, don't you?"

"Big bed! Nate big bed!" He exclaimed, straightening up in his mother's arms, which meant he caught sight of Emma. "Hi, Em-ma!"

"Morning, Noah," she said softly. "You are very chipper."

Noah giggled, though it wasn't likely he understood what was said, and squirmed to get down.

"Want some milk?"

"Yep," he said, trotting over to the couch and climbing up, remote in hand. "Toons, Em-ma!"

Smiling, Emma trudged over to the couch with her mug and plopped next to Noah, taking the remote and flipping the television on. "You got it, little man," she said. "Mickey?"

Noah nodded and curled into Emma's side. He graciously accepted the milk from Olivia but didn't budge. She smiled down at the pair before going to top up her coffee mug and sit in the oversized arm chair, content to watch Noah and Emma as the sun finally rose over the city.

* * *

Ed cleared the last of the breakfast plates while Olivia wiped Noah's face clean of the orange flavored icing.

"You liked those rolls, huh sweet Noah?"

Noah just smiled and tried to move his face away from the wipe, but was unsuccessful. Eventually he was freed and went straight to his toy basket. Olivia grabbed the tray of leftover orange rolls and brought them into the kitchen, searching for a container to store them in. She accidentally bumped into Ed and giggled.

"Sorry," she said, not sounding sorry at all.

Ed turned around and smirked. "Did you just giggle?"

"I believe I did." Olivia's eyes danced as she looked up at Ed. "Problem?"

Ed cupped her face and kissed her softly and quickly. "Just the opposite," he said. "I wanna hear more of Benson giggling."

Olivia smiled and moved in for another, deeper kiss but caught Emma out of the corner of her eye, shifting a little in her chair and thumbing around on her phone. Instead, she patted Ed on the chest, nodded towards the dining table, and winked.

"Plans for today?"

"I have some errands to do," Olivia said, following Ed out of the kitchen with fresh mugs of coffee. They both sat on the couch and watched Noah play. "Noah's daycare has a delayed opening. I may take him midday, just so he stays in a little bit of a routine while I'm off."

Ed watched Noah hammer on a few things and smiled. "Not gonna take him sledding? Build a snowman?"

"Mmmm," Olivia said, delaying her answer. "I still worry about him getting sick. His lungs. And I think I had enough of the cold last night…"

Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, Ed kissed the side of her head. "Don't blame ya there," he rasped. "We gonna see ya later?"

Olivia pulled back and looked over at Emma, who hadn't budged. "I don't know," she said softly. "Maybe that should be a game time decision."

Ed followed her line of sight and let out a sigh. "I don't like it, but you're probably right."

"You two need to really talk. Spend some time together. Sort this out."

Ed rubbed his face and patted Olivia's knee. "I know," he allowed. "It's just…you're better at this than me. I'm so outta my comfort zone here."

"Stretch that zone, baby," she said, grasping his hand and squeezing tightly. "And…call us later?"

Ed nodded and Olivia stood up. "I'm gonna go grab our stuff. Noah? Start to clean up!"

"No," he said simply, not even looking up. "I stay here. Wiff Ed."

Olivia smiled and moved over to her son, beginning to put his toys away. "Ed has some things to do. So we are going to go home for a bit."

"No!"

"Noah," Olivia's voice was firm but still quiet. "Clean up." She stood up and walked to the back, leaving Noah to pout and slowly put his toys in the basket, piece by piece, as if to prolong the inevitable. When they were all packed, Olivia moved to where Emma was still frozen at the dining room table. "Call or text if you need anything, okay?"

Emma nodded but didn't make eye contact. Olivia sat down next to her and ducked her head, trying to catch the girl's gaze. "I mean it," she said softly. "Hang out with your dad, get some rest, but I'm available."

Still unable to look up, Emma managed a slight nod. "Thanks, Olivia," she said softly. "I'm sorry about last night."

Olivia kissed the side of her head before standing up. "No need to apologize," she said. "We'll see you later."

Ed eyed Emma before following Olivia and Noah to the door and out into the hallway to wait for the elevator. "I dunno what to do," he finally said.

"Talk to her," Olivia responded simply. "You're her father. She needs _you_."

"She doesn't seem to wanna talk."

"Oh, I think she does," Olivia soothed, patting his chest. The elevator door opening and she held Noah's hand while giving Ed a quick kiss. "Call me later?"

"No brainer," he said with a smirk. "I love you."

Sticking her foot in the door so the elevator didn't leave them, Olivia gave Ed one last kiss. "I love you too," she said. "It's gonna be okay."

"Thank you," he rasped, looking straight into her eyes. Noah was pulling her hand and the elevator door kept trying to close, but Ed's gaze froze Olivia momentarily. She could see the gratefulness, the relief, and also the hesitation he was feeling about everything.

"You don't have to thank me," she finally said. "I love you. This is just what we do."

Ed sighed and squeezed her hand. "Have a good day," he finally allowed. He stayed in place, watching the elevator doors close with Olivia and Noah inside before rubbing his temple and staring at his apartment door that he left cracked open.

"Okay," he said to himself. "Time for answers."

* * *

When Ed walked back in, Emma had her headphones on and was humming while rinsing dishes and loading the dishwasher. He had to pause and watch the scene, because for a few moments everything seemed fine. His daughter seemed happy and healthy, and Ed felt his body relax. But he only allowed himself those few moments before steeling himself for the conversation to come. Ed walked over to the dishwasher, not wanting to startle Emma, but was there when she turned to add the last plate.

"Oh," she said, drying her hands and taking her headphones off but keeping them around her neck. "Figured you'd be a while."

Ed cocked his head to the side. Her tone wasn't biting, but it wasn't necessarily playful.

"I heard you talking about me earlier," she said pointedly. "After breakfast. Just figured it would take longer for you to let her get in the elevator, that's all."

"Let's finish the kitchen," Ed said simply. "Then we're gonna talk."

Emma swallowed and nodded, wiping down the sink while biting her lip. Ed closed the dishwasher, switched it on, and reached for fresh mugs. "More coffee? Tea?"

"No," Emma said softly. "Will you get me a glass? I just want water."

The Tuckers fixed up their drinks and got settled on the couch. Ed switched off the television, as it was still playing morning cartoons, and turned so he was facing his daughter. "Ya gonna tell me what happened last night?"

"Not wasting any time, huh," Emma mumbled, picking at her light blue lounge pants.

"I think I've been plenty patient," Ed explained. "Didn't push last night and gave you some time this morning. But it's time to talk."

Shrugging, Emma put her water glass on the coffee table and scratched her head. "I don't know if there's much to say," she finally said. "I was just…I don't even know the word. So I went for a walk. And then…the next thing I knew…"

Ed was watching her. He had been in enough interrogations, questioned enough witnesses, and handled enough complex cases over his life to read almost any person. But for some reason with his own kids, he second guessed his instincts. His gut, in that moment, was telling him that Emma was being truthful for she had no reason to lie to him. But there was a nagging feeling that had him convinced there was more to the story.

"Do you remember where all you went?"

"I went to the coffee shop," she started slowly. "Got a hot drink. Was planning to call Amanda, but she was still in school. So I sat there for a little while."

"Guy said you were there about an hour," Ed allowed.

Emma's head shot up and her eyes were wide. "You went there?"

"Of course I did," Ed said incredulously. "We were all taking turns, looking everywhere for you."

"Ugh," Emma groaned. "Fuck."

"Language," Ed warned, but she rolled her eyes and he almost laughed at himself. She was his daughter, after all. Her language would always be a bit borderline.

"I was just…I really can't describe it. Antsy? I dunno," she said, struggling to find the words. "I wanted to feel something different. My mind kept wandering. So…I just started walking."

Ed patiently sat and listened to Emma talk softly for a little while. She told him about going to the park, walking along the river, and finally ending up perched on a bench in Central Park, just watching the snow fall.

"Please tell me you didn't stay there until midnight…" Ed's stomach was churning at the thought of his seventeen year old daughter sitting alone in a park he knew all too well, mainly from investigating crimes.

"No," she said softly. "It got dark. I remember feeling nervous. The snow was…coming down harder. So I…" She paused. Ed reached out to grasp her hand, but she pulled away.

"You what?"

"I wandered around," she said, her face scrunched up. Ed could tell she was pushing herself to remember. "I was in some…pub? Bar? I don't know…but I was at a table, watching the snow pile up."

"Is that it? Then you came back to Liv's? How long where you there?"

Emma shrugged. "It was crowded. I think I talked to some people. But I felt…dizzy. I was so cold and it was crowded and dark. So I left. And just…walked."

Ed's jaw was tense and his body was rigid, but he didn't say anything. He couldn't.

"I don't…I don't remember really anything until I was at Olivia's. I don't…I don't know why I went there," she said with a self-deprecating laugh. "But…that's it I guess."

Taking a long sip of his coffee, Ed let her words sit for a little while. He placed his mug next to her water glass and scooted closer to Emma. "I know you were, still are, upset. But Emma…you scared the hell out of me. Of all of us."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay," Ed finally said, reaching out and squeezing her shoulder. She didn't pull away this time, but her body was still tense. "But we probably need to talk about _why_ this happened."

Emma shook her head and looked up at Ed. Her eyes were red and tired, her face was pale, and that life that usually filled her expression was no where to be found. "You know why this happened," she finally said.

Nodding, Ed acknowledged that but didn't let up. "Well, since we know why, maybe we talk about how to avoid it happening again."

Before she could stop herself Emma's words were spitting out. "I don't know how to avoid this given you walk around with a gun each day. And Olivia just walks in to hostage situations."

"Emma, that is not what happened."

"Is it? And hasn't she done this before? Willingly gone into these things?"

Ed had no rebuttal, for she wasn't wrong. "That was before," he said. "She wouldn't do that again."

"Sure, whatever," Emma scoffed. "But I'm not…I can't…do this again."

"Do what?"

Emma looked up at Ed. He knew the answer, but he needed her to say it out loud so they could begin to heal and move past it. But from the look on his daughter's face, he began to question whether it was something they _could_ move past.

"Get…close to someone…like that," Emma said firmly. "I can't…and I won't."

Ed winced, her words not unexpected but her tone got to him. "What can I…we…do to fix that?"

"Nothing."

"Emma, Olivia isn't going away," Ed finally said. "We are both cops. And neither of us are going anywhere."

Emma's body froze and she stood up, glaring down at Ed. "Mom said something pretty similar to me about Chris…right before we walked inside and he shot her," she spat. "So you'll have to excuse me for not following along this time." She grabbed her phone and headphones off the coffee table and went back to her room, slamming the door behind her. Ed remained on the couch, staring down at the place in which his daughter had been sitting, trying to wrap his mind around the entirety of the situation. He checked the time and stood up, trying to locate his phone. Finally finding it, he smiled at his lock screen for a few minutes before typing in his passcode and pulling up Olivia's latest text. It was a selfie of her and Noah curled up in her bed with "nap time" as the text. He smiled and took a deep breath before sending a heart emoji followed by his own message.

_I think we have our work cut out for us._


	39. Chapter 39

_**Do not worry, I have not abandoned this story. But sometimes life and work are busy, and I don't get paid to do this. So until FanFic pays my salary, there may be a few times in which a delay happens. **_

_**Now, back to Tuckson business.**_

**Chapter 39**

Olivia unlocked her apartment door, keeping the phone wedged between her ear and her shoulder, and she smiled as she heard Ed's voice answer.

"Hey" she cooed, finally opening the door and dropping her bag. She did a quick scan, and seeing that she beat Noah and Lucy home, toed off her boots and collapsed on the couch. "Good day. I'm cleared to go back."

"I'm sure you're happy about that," Ed rasped into the phone. Olivia smiled hearing his voice, but she could sense hesitation.

"I am," she said slowly. "I'm concerned…about you."

"You mean Emma?"

"Her too," Olivia said. Her smile was still soft but she began to pick at the material on her pants as they spoke. "We haven't been able to be all together since…"

"I know."

"I get you don't know what to do just yet…"

"Liv, I…"

"It's okay Ed."

"It's not."

There was a pause on the phone. Olivia could hear footsteps outside in the hall and realized their time was limited.

"We'll figure it out," she finally said softly. "Lucy is back with Noah. Can I call you later?"

"Lookin' forward to it."

"Great."

"Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Olivia smiled at his words as she heard her front door open. "I love you too," she said quickly, ending the call and opening her arms to catch her incoming son.

"Mommy!"

"Hi sweetie," she cooed, kissing his mop of brown hair and glancing up at Lucy. "What did you do today?"

Noah pulled back with wide eyes and began to jabber words Olivia could mostly understand, his hands flying around as he explained his day of day care and an impromptu gym trip with Lucy to run around.

"Thanks for taking him," Olivia said. "He's been cooped up with all of this winter weather."

"No problem," Lucy replied. "He was so funny when we walked in. Usually he's a little clingy at first, but he tossed me his shoes and ran off. I was an afterthought from there."

Olivia laughed and pulled Noah into her lap. "He's been more independent recently," she said softly, playing with his hair. It was a weird combination of pride and sadness as she thought about Noah growing up. "Over the last few months, at least," she added. "His life is more….full. If that's the right word for it."

Lucy tentatively sat in the arm chair by the couch and leaned forward a bit, eyeing her boss and the woman who had become a friend and support system for her over the last couple of years.

"Olivia, I'm really sorry about…"

"No," Olivia said, cutting her off quickly. "You don't have to be sorry. That…was a freak incident. And you did the right thing."

"But…"

Olivia shook her head and reached out for Lucy's hand giving it a squeeze. "It all worked out," she said with a shrug, but then let out a little laugh. "Well, sort of. But it was still the right thing to do. Don't ever question bringing something like that to me."

Lucy nodded, but Olivia could tell she wasn't quite soothed. There was likely nothing she could say or do to alleviate the guilt completely, but she went for one more attempt. Noah climbed down from her lap and she eyed him lovingly before turning back to Lucy. "If you hadn't said something and if I hadn't gone over there," she began, before her voice got softer, "those kids would likely be dead…"

"I just hate what happened to you," she whispered. "And what's happened since…"

"I do too," Olivia whispered. "But hopefully things can smooth out."

Lucy watched Olivia's body language and could see the tension as she thought about her relationship with Ed. She could tell they were meant for each other. Even in her limited interactions with the two of them together, she could see the adoration in Ed's eyes along with the love and gratefulness in Olivia's. But she also knew it had been strained recently as she had been called in to help a little more over the last week.

"Well, I should get going," Lucy finally said, standing up and zipping her jacket. "What time in the morning?"

"It's my first day back, so I'll take him to daycare," Olivia said, before thinking a little more. She was currently Lucy's only client. "Can you get him midday again?"

Smiling, Lucy nodded and waved goodbye to Noah. "Sure thing, Olivia." As she made her way to the door, Olivia padded after her and gave her a quick hug.

"Don't beat yourself up," she said softly, before releasing Lucy and giving her a smile. "It's all okay now."

Lucy nodded, bid her goodbye, and left. Olivia locked the door behind her and wandered back into the living room, arms wrapped around her body. "Okay Noah," she said softly. "Just you and me again tonight. Movie?"

Noah looked up and pointed at his trains. "Pay, Mommy."

Chuckling, Olivia plopped down on the rug next to her son. "Whatever you want."

* * *

Glasses perched on her nose, Olivia scanned over a set of files Amanda left on her desk. Her first morning back had been relatively quiet. She conducted one interview but aside from that, was allowed time to catch up on what had been missed. For the moment, even the squad room was quiet. Fin and Carisi had taken a call, Rollins had run home to check in on her new nanny, and Dodds was hunched over his desk, presumably working. Olivia felt her stomach growl and was just beginning to think about lunch when she heard a little activity outside of her office door. Looking up, a smile spread across her face.

"Knock knock," Ed said, peering in the office and offering her a smirk. "Am I botherin' ya?"

Olivia took her glasses off and stood up, quickly making her way over to him. "Not at all," she said, kissing his cheek and ushering him in, closing the door softly. She eyed the brown bag in his hand. "You bring me lunch?"

"Sure did," he said. "Dos Toros. Maybe a little heavy but…"

"No, it sounds good," she gushed as both of them sat on her office sofa. Ed spread everything out on the little coffee table. Olivia took a bit and closed her eyes. "Perfect," she said. "How did you know I was this hungry?"

Ed looked over at her and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "I just know ya," he replied softly. "And I've missed you. And thought this was the perfect way to remedy all of those things."

Olivia's face dropped a little bit, but she tried to hide it. She should've known better. Ed Tucker could now read her like a book.

"Hey," he said softly, putting his food down. She copied his movements and turned more towards him, tucking her right leg under her body. Ed took her hands and played with her fingers. "None of this is your fault."

"I know," she whispered. "I've tried to text Emma, call her a few times. She'll at least answer the texts, but they are short."

"Probably will take time," Ed reasoned, though there was a little doubt in his tone. "It can take her a long time to process. She's…hard to get to know beyond a surface level."

"We had just gotten over that hump," Olivia lamented. "Or at least I think we had. And now…" She looked down and watching how his hands melded right in with hers. There was a rugged, reddish tone to his hands and fingers, but they were strong. Comforting. Everything she craved in a partner and never realized until Ed came into her life. Now that he was here, she never wanted to let him go. They had made it work for the last couple of years, though their relationship was not without its bumps. But this most recent issue had Olivia almost scared. "How do we fix this? Get back on track? Can…I mean, do you think we can?"

Ed's grip on her hands tightened, but he didn't answer immediately. Instead he let out a sigh, turned her hand over, and ran his thumb along her palm. "I don't know," he finally said. "I really don't. But…we will."

They sat in silence, burritos momentarily forgotten as they enjoyed being next to each other after what had been an excruciating few weeks. Eventually Ed shifted and pulled Olivia into his chest. He kissed the top of her head and held her tightly, feeling the tension in her body slowly ease.

"I promise you, Olivia," he said. His voice was still soft, but the passionate determination was evident and resonated strongly with Olivia. "I promise you."

* * *

Emma had just logged onto the NYU portal, having received notification that her admission decision was in a little earlier than usual. Most kids in her class had applied early to colleges and already had at least one answer, most acceptances as it was a highly regarded independent school in Manhattan. But Emma hadn't applied early anywhere, much to her college counselor's dismay. They had several meetings, one which included Ed, but Emma just couldn't get her mind around college. Eventually, after Ed firmly asked the school to back off a little, the counselor relented and Emma applied regular admission to her selected schools. But even then, none of the options were exciting to her.

She had received the email notification earlier that evening, but didn't bother checking. After dinner she finally became curious and snuck into her room to open her laptop.

Accepted.

Feeling an odd combination of relief and dread, Emma closed her laptop, reached for her anxiety meds, and waited a few minutes for them to kick in before she made her way back out to the living room where Ed was watching the news and looking over what Emma assumed were case files.

"Hey sweetheart," he said, closing the folders and tossing them on the coffee table. "Thought you may have turned in for the night."

"Nah," she said, sinking into the couch next to him. They were both in lounge clothes and simultaneously propped their feet up on the coffee table. "I, uh, well…I got my NYU acceptance email today."

"Emma, that's great!" Ed sat up, his smile brightening his entire face. Leaning over, he pulled Emma into a side hug and kissed her head. "I'm so proud of you," he said softly, correcting reading that his daughter was conflicted. "I know you still don't have an idea as to what you want to do. But, you pushed through, applied, and now you're in at three good schools. You have options on the table."

Emma allowed herself to stay in her father's embrace for a little while before she sat up and rubbed her face. "Yeah, I guess."

Ed leaned back into the couch cushions while still looking at Emma. "No need to make decisions now. Let yourself feel relieved. Or even excited."

Shrugging, Emma moved to pick at her purple and gray polka-dot pajama pants.

"Emma," Ed finally said after a few moments of silence. He waited until she looked back up at him. "It's okay to feel excited. To feel positive, happy things."

"Is it?" She blurted out the question before she could stop herself. "Sorry…"

"Don't apologize," Ed replied. "A lot of apologizing these days, and none of us have anything to be sorry about."

"Life is kicking my ass," Emma mumbled.

"It really is. But you're kicking it back."

"Doesn't feel that way."

"Maybe not," he said wisely. "But you are. And…you're not alone."

Emma snorted out a laugh and shook her head. "Sure."

Ed opened his mouth to continue the conversation, but Emma's phone rang. They both looked down and Nate's face popped up on caller ID.

"Oh look who has decided to actually talk to me," she mumbled, turning the phone around in her hand, debating on whether to answer. Eventually the ringing stopped, but Emma kept her eyes on the phone.

"Em…"

"Stop," she said. "I know he's dealing in his own way. I don't want a lecture right now."

Ed took a deep breath and closed his eyes. The tension between his children, between him and his children, between Olivia and Emma was becoming almost too much and he didn't know how to fix any of it. In particular, the rift between Nate and Emma kept growing. On the one hand, Ed didn't want to dictate how either of them should deal with their mother's death. He checked in with Nate regularly; he was going to his therapy appointments and his grades were holding steady. They would even have an occasional deeper conversation. But Nate did not reach out to Emma in the same way, and Emma did not reach out to him. Ed and Olivia had talked at length about this, and Olivia's hypothesis was that Nate's guilt prevented him from really being able to talk to his sister, perhaps even be around her. That he just couldn't face it yet. While Ed agreed that was likely the source, he felt strongly that enough was enough and it was time for him to step up. But the couple recognized that was easier said than done.

"Should I go out there and just talk to him?" Ed had asked on one of their late night calls.

"You could," Olivia said. "Could go really well…or blow up in your face."

"God dammit," Ed had spat and Olivia took in a sharp breath on the phone. "Sorry," he immediately said. "I'm just…frustrated."

"I know you are, babe," Olivia had soothed. "I know."

Ed continued to be lost in his thoughts when Emma's phone rang again. Groaning, Emma stood up, mumbled a "fine," and shuffled back to her room to take the call.

"Hey," she said, finally hitting that green button.

"You didn't answer earlier," Nate said, skipping the pleasantries.

"Sorry," Emma mumbled, not giving any more of an explanation. "What's up?"

"Nothing," he said simply. "Was trying to get something planned for Bailey for Valentine's Day."

Emma rolled her eyes and flopped back on her bed. "You're asking the wrong person for advice."

"No kidding," Nate muttered. "But I don't need advice. I was wondering if you could pick up a couple of things and ship them out?"

"Seriously?" Emma said, finally snapping into the phone. "You haven't talked to me at all for over a week and you want me to do you a favor for your girlfriend for Valentine's Day?"

Nate was quiet for a minute. "Well, yeah," he said softly.

Emma let out a sigh. "Fine," she said. "What do you want?"

"Those black and white cookies," he said. "They're her favorite. Sometimes that little bakery in the East Village make them into hearts."

"Sure," Emma replied, her tone flat. "I will go down to the East Village and look for heart shaped black and white cookies for your girlfriend."

The call was silent again, before Nate finally spoke. "Emma…"

"Stop," she said. "It's fine. I'll handle it."

"Okay. Thanks."

"Yeah, no problem."

Emma fidgeted, waiting for Nate to say something else but nothing ever came.

"Well, I guess I'm gonna go," she said. "I have homework to do."

"Kay," Nate replied. "Thanks again."

"Yep, see ya." Emma ended the call and flung her phone across the room and onto the beanbag chair. She rolled over on the bed and stared out the window, unsure what to make of the conversation with her brother. She felt ignored, left behind, and on her own to deal with everything in her life. The more alone she allowed herself to feel, the more she missed Olivia. She had been the one person who seemed to always ask how she was, look her in the eyes, and gently hold her up. Sure, Ed had been there as well and still was, but despite their relationship growing some, Emma still found it hard to relate to him and open up. Olivia was different. But now, Emma found herself unable to let herself go back there. It was too terrifying. Instead, she spent the rest of the evening in her room, mindlessly watching Friends and willing the tears away until she eventually fell asleep.

* * *

Benson and Dodds walked down the stairs of an Upper East Side brownstone and made a right, heading for their cruiser. A teacher had reported unusual behavior with two elementary aged twins and after some internal investigation at the school, the principal called in SVU. Amanda and Fin had gone to the school while Olivia and Mike decided to talk to the parents. Neither set of detectives found anything concrete, so while the behavior was concerning they had nothing to go on.

Olivia fell heavily into the drivers seat and rested her head briefly on the headrest. Mike got himself settled and looked over at his boss.

"Ya okay?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "I'm fine."

"You know no one believes you when you say that, right?"

Olivia let out a chuckle and rubbed her eyebrow. "Shut up," she said playfully, but made no movement to start the car and get them moving. "That case will go no where."

"Maybe there's no where for it to go," Dodds suggested. "Not every suspicious or concerning behavior signals abuse."

Olivia let that comment sit for a while before responding. "True," she said. "But…too much of this goes unseen. Is looked over. Or becomes too hard for people to keep checking on, pushing, questioning, sustain. So the abuse continues. Sometimes forever."

Mike cocked his head to the side. Olivia was passionate and had always been a warrior for victims, but her tone almost seemed resigned in that moment and that was new for him.

"Let me ask this again," he said slowly. "Are you okay?"

Olivia shot him a small smile. "I guess so," she finally said. "Just a lot going on. Up in the air."

"Emma doing okay?"

Olivia grunted a little bit and shook her head. "No," she responded. "But I wouldn't know too much. She's retreated almost completely."

Nodding, Mike finally looked out the window.

"Did she say anything to you?" Olivia finally asked, having held off as long as she could for she knew Mike would have alerted her if it was something serious.

"Not really," Mike said. "She seemed foggy, but I don't think it meant anything more than she was freezing and still pretty scared."

"I don't know what to do," Olivia mumbled. "She's right. We are both cops. That's a reality. I'm not going to stop being a cop. But…I can't….well, I want this to work with Ed."

Surprised his boss was opening up in this way, Mike sat up straight and made sure to think carefully about his words. "Well," he said slowly. "Ya know, most Lieutenants don't spend this much time in the field. And you don't have to either. You have a full squad. Let me help out more."

Olivia sighed. "I know," she finally admitted. "But this job…it's who I am."

Taking a chance, Mike responded. "It's not fully who you are anymore, though, Liv," he said cautiously, but she didn't seem to react negatively so he continued. "You have Noah. Ed. Nate and Emma. You can have…already have…a full life. And not going out into the field as much doesn't mean you aren't working, interviewing victims, supporting them and helping them. It just means, well, you might not get into as many dangerous situations."

Having laid it all out there, Mike sat back and observed the Lieutenant's reaction. She was clearly fighting an inner battle, and he could tell that he had said enough. A few minutes later she gave him a tight smile.

"Something to consider," she said, starting the car engine and throwing it into drive. "Definitely something to consider."

* * *

Ed sat at the island, waiting on Olivia's text message. He had been working hard to find some kind of Valentine's plans for them that wasn't too extravagant and didn't require too much child care, but was coming up empty. She hadn't come out and said it, but Ed could see Olivia beginning to doubt whether or not they were going to come out of this on the other side. The few times they'd been able to spend more than an hour together in the last month, he could see trepidation in her eyes. Those deep brown eyes spoke wonders to him, and he could see her desperation to keep him in her life, to not lose him. But there was also the doubt. The same doubt that Ed felt they had finally gotten beyond. Nevertheless, Ed understood because at times he caught himself feeling the same way.

Valentine's Day was now Ed's plan to wipe the doubt out of Olivia's brain. To show her, prove to her, that despite all the tension, their jobs, and the business of their lives, they were going to make this work. With the pressure he had intentionally put on himself, he definitely did not want the standard evening dinner, so he went to Emma for advice.

"I don't know," she mumbled. "Why am I making everyone's Valentine's plans?"

Ed was about to say never mind, but she changed her tune slightly.

"You don't want a show, because then you have to sit there and not talk," Emma reasoned and Ed smiled, for she was exactly right. "Dinner out is…lame. Well, it's nice but still lame."

"So far you've nixed both ideas I had," he said somewhat jokingly, but in reality she had.

Emma rolled her eyes. "You should make her dinner. At home. Candles and stuff," she suggested before shaking her head. "I can't even believe I'm having this conversation," she mumbled, but continued. "Leave Noah with me…and just stay over there for the night."

Ed, trying not to be uncomfortable at the new direction of the conversation, had to allow himself to laugh a little bit at Emma's tone.

"Would that be okay with you?"

"Sure," Emma shrugged. "Just don't forget flowers and chocolate and all that kinda shit…"

Biting his lip, Ed thought for a moment. He wasn't sure Olivia would want Noah staying with Emma alone overnight. So once Emma had retreated to her room, he sent Olivia a quick text to run the idea by her and was now awaiting the response.

Finally instead of a text tone, his phone rang. He picked up before the first ring had completed.

"Hello there," he said, his voice low, causing Olivia to have a shiver go up her spine. A text about Valentine's day, followed by his sexy tone, already had her anticipating a good night.

"Hello yourself. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Valentine's Day…this Friday," he said. "Ya free? Or do you have plans with another boyfriend."

Olivia let out a hearty laugh and Ed's heart fluttered. He loved making her laugh.

"No, my other boyfriend is busy. Have something in mind?"

Ed went on to explain the idea, but hesitated when mentioning childcare options.

"Is Emma truly okay keeping Noah?" Olivia's question was directed more towards the girl's willingness to do it, not whether something would happen. But Ed didn't realize that at first.

"I think she's fine," Ed said. "But if you're not comfortable…"

"No no," she said quickly. "That's not what I meant at all. I meant more…does she want me…and Noah…around?"

"She misses Noah and has actually expressed that," Ed responded. "And these days, I'm not sure she would've offered if it wasn't truly okay with her."

Olivia smiled and began to allow herself to be excited about an entire night alone in her bedroom with Ed Tucker and no children around to hear them.

"Well, I guess you have yourself a date, Captain," she responded and Ed was glad he was sitting down, as her voice weakened his knees.

"Good," he said. "Lookin' forward to it."


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

Olivia groaned as she rolled over and blindly reached for her phone.

"Benson," she spat, rubbing her eyes and letting out a deep sigh as she noticed the time on the bedside clock. It appeared as if her planned Valentine's morning with Noah was about to be rescheduled. "Okay. Yeah. Sure." Groaning, Olivia tossed the phone down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She knew she needed to call Lucy, but for some reason she couldn't make herself move just yet. She thought about the heart shaped pancake mold she had gotten and how she searched far and wide for decent strawberries even though they were out of season. Her and Noah were often rushed in the morning and she had arranged her work schedule in a way that gave her the best odds to enjoy a nice, slow Valentine's breakfast.

But it didn't work.

Swallowing her emotions, she quickly phoned Lucy, stood up, and stumbled into the bathroom to start the shower. Running the unit meant that the early morning phone calls were few and far between, but when they came through it meant they were of the utmost importance. She let the hot water rush over her body and sink into her bones, waking her up and relaxing her slightly. She quickly dried her hair and got dressed before deciding to put together a quick display for her son when he woke up. The kitchen and living area was dark, as there was no sign of a sunrise given it was barely 4:00am, so Olivia switched the lights on and grabbed the teddy bear and balloon she stashed in the front closet. She placed them in the middle of the coffee table, scribbled a message in the card despite Noah not being able to read it, and wrote out an IOU for a heart-sharped pancake breakfast with her three year old.

Half an hour later, she had snuck a kiss while Noah snoozed peacefully, profusely thanked Lucy and rushed out of the door, knowing she was already later than she had told Fin she would arrive.

"They'll live," she told herself, hopping in the cruiser and turning the key. "Doing the best I can."

* * *

"Shit," Ed muttered as he fumbled around with Olivia's oven. He fiddled with the temperature control, peeked in again at the foil wrapped packages, and let out a breath. "Easy my ass," he grumbled, tossing the oven mitt onto the counter and cracking open a beer. His plan to wait for Olivia to have a drink had been shot the moment he realized how complicated the all-in-one steak dinner recipe was going to be. Letting out a deep exhale, Ed took a look around the apartment. Three tall candles were placed in the middle of Olivia's small dining room table, waiting to be lit. A bottle of her favorite red wine was standing next to a bucket of ice that held a recommended prosecco. Several bouquets of flowers were in vases throughout the living and dining room area, and Ed had gone slightly overboard by sprinkling her bed with pink and red rose petals. "Now I just need to not fuck up the food," he thought to himself, finishing off his small pour of bourbon and once again checking the oven.

Noticing the time, Ed darted to the back for a quick shower. He splashed her favorite cologne on his skin, unbuttoned the top couple of buttons on his form-fitting polo shirt, and smiled at himself in the mirror. "Not bad, Tucker," he said, smirking as he began to picture Olivia's face. She had been told he would pick her up for dinner reservations, and Ed was giddy at the opportunity to surprise and pamper her. Just as he was about to get lost in thought again, he heard the lock jiggle. Running out of her room and into the dining room, Ed was posed right by the table just in time to see Olivia, weary from a long day at work, walk in, drop her bag, and freeze at the sight in front of her.

"_Ed,_" she gasped, slack-jawed as she looked around her apartment. "I…"

Ed smiled and moved towards her, taking off her jacket and kissing her cheek. "Happy Valentine's Day, baby," he whispered. Quickly tossing her coat on the rack, Ed turned back around to greet her more intimately. Olivia's fingers grasped his unbuttoned collar tightly as their lips met, slowly at first, but turning more urgent and desperate. They finally parted with a smack and Olivia rubbed her now puffy lips as she once again eyed the space.

"This is…when did you…how did you…"

"Surprised?" Ed was amused at how Olivia was at a loss for words. Congratulating himself for a job well done, he finally lead her fully into the apartment and offered her a drink. "Wine? We can save the prosecco for later."

Olivia's cheeks blushed quickly at his tone. Still taking in the sight, she smiled and patted Ed's face. "Wine sounds good," she said softly before taking stock of her own appearance.

"You look beautiful," Ed said, accurately intercepting her next statement. "But if ya wanna freshen up, I'll get this poured?"

"Sounds perfect." Olivia kissed Ed once more before making her way back to the bedroom. She had shed her clothes and was standing in front of her closet in panties and a tank top, when Ed came up behind her with her drink. Setting the glass down on a shelf, he slid one hand around her waist, stroking her ribcage and and used the other hand to move her hair to the side and kiss softly at her neck. "Mmmmm," Olivia sighed, allowing herself to fully sink back into his chest. "That feels good…"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," Olivia whispered, reaching back and stroking Ed's cheek. "How long until dinner is done?"

"I need to check…I'm not quite sure."

Olivia turned around, wrapped her arms around Ed's neck, and kissed him deeply. As she slowly untucked his shirt, Ed let out a groan and rasped in her ear. "To hell with dinner…I want you."

Half an hour later, Olivia padded out into the kitchen after showering off. She tightened the belt of her silk, crimson robe and smiled softly at Ed standing over the stove in his boxers and a plain white tee, before catching an unpleasant whiff.

"Ed, what is that?"

"Well," he said reluctantly, his eyes going back and forth from Olivia's scrunched up face and his attempt at cooking. "It is…or was…dinner."

"It smells…um…" she stammered over her words, not wanting to hurt his feelings. She made her way into the kitchen and poked at the foil packets. "Well, honey…"

"Yeah, I fucked up."

"No you didn't." Olivia looked up at Ed and grinned, standing on her tip-toes and brushing her lips against his ear. "_You fucked me_…"

Ed nearly spit out his drink and let out a laugh, his neck turning a light red shade at Olivia's words. She patted his chest and gave him a sympathetic peck on the lips, handing him the box with take-out menus. "How about we stick to what we know?"

Ed smirked, dropped the box onto the counter, and pulled Olivia into his chest. "What we know, huh? So…sex and delivery?"

"Yeah," she sighed out as Ed's hands caressed her sides.

"I also know that I love you," he said, his face suddenly taking on a serious look.

"I know that I love you, too, Ed," she responded softly. "How about you order us a few pasta dishes and I'll light those candles?"

Eventually the couple finally sat down to dinner, sharing bites of eggplant parmesan and penne alla vodka with each other, sipping wine, and sneaking a few kisses.

"Not quite the perfect dinner I had in mind for ya," Ed said regretfully, but Olivia shook her head.

"Anything with you is perfect," she whispered, leaning over and pressing her lips more firmly to his. "Emma think more about college?"

"Nah," Ed said, chewing and swallowing, reaching for the wine. "It overwhelms her. Counselor mentioned we could ask about a gap year, or maybe just a flat delayed entry. At least from VYU and Boston."

"Could be good," Olivia reasoned. "Maybe she needs the time?"

"Or maybe she needs normalcy," Ed argued. "To just keep going."

"Well, hopefully she will let us in on what she needs…"

Ed let out a sigh and kissed Olivia's hand, staring into her eyes. "I sure hope so," he said. "Glad she's got some support."

The conversation fell silent as they continued to eat, however, Ed noticed Olivia's expression darken just a bit.

"What is it?"

Ducking her head, she smiled sheepishly. "Oh, it's nothing," she said. "Just…tired. Long day."

Ed grasped her hand tightly in his, not buying her explanation. "Liv?"

Finally looking up at him, Ed could see Olivia's tears glistening in the candlelight and his heart constricted. "What is it? Talk to me?"

"I'm just tired," she finally said, allowing a lone tear to escape down her cheek. Ed caught it with his thumb. "I got called in at four this morning, listened to the gut-wrenching cries of a mother who lost her child, hit dead-end after dead-end, and" she took a deep breath and tried to will her tears down.

"What else, Liv?"

"I didn't get to see Noah at all," she finally said softly. "And, I know that happens. It's not like it's the first time. But today…I dunno, for some reason today stung more than usual."

"Baby…"

"I'm sorry," she said quickly, trying to steady her voice but failing. Her exhaustion was evident. "This is so nice and perfect and I'm ruining it."

"You're not," Ed said firmly. "Olivia, look at me." He waited until she took a deep breath and her eyes met his. "How about we finish up here. Take our time. Get dressed. And take dessert to the kids?"

Ed sighed in relief as Olivia's smile returned to her face.

"I change my mind on what I said earlier," she spoke, her eyes never leaving Ed's. "Tonight may not be perfect…but you are. You are perfect, Ed."

"Even when I fuck up dinner?"

Olivia let out a laugh, finally breaking the intensity of the moment. "Even then," she said, shaking her head and looking at him lovingly. "_Especially_ then."

* * *

"Well, Noah," Emma said as she put her phone down, finally deciding on what to order for dinner. "Looks like it's just you and me."

"You an' me?" Noah said, his face lighting up.

"Yep. You can be my Valentine's date," she mumbled, plopping on the floor and grabbing his basket of trains. "Whatcha wanna play?"

"No tains," he said matter-of-factly. He ran over to his bag he had dropped haphazardly by the door upon arrival, and drug it over to where Emma was sitting on the floor next to the fireplace. Rummaging around, Emma watched him with a puzzled look on her face. "Here, Em-ma," Noah said, a smile on his face as he handed Emma a medium sized stuffed bunny and a purple envelope.

"Noah," she said softly, surprised at the gesture. "Is this for me?"

"Uh, huh!" Noah was so excited he bounced on his knees and almost tumbled over. "It Val'tine Day! And dis your Val'tine!"

Noah was so carefree and happy, Emma refused to let him see just how much the small gesture effected her and swallowed down tears. She cuddled the bunny and sniffed a bit, realizing it smelled like lavender. Reading the tag, she noticed it was an anxiety animal. _Olivia must have helped him,_ she thought to herself, which made the gift that much more meaningful. Opening the card, she saw Noah scribble all over and what looked like his name, written with adult guidance.

"Noah I love this," she gushed, grabbing him and squeezing him tight, eliciting shrieks and giggles. "You're the best."

Noah settled down and stroked the stuffed bunny. "Lub you, Em-ma," he said softly.

"Love you too, little man," Emma whispered, kissing his head. "Love you too."

* * *

"How did dinner turn out?" Emma asked, as she stood shoulder to shoulder with her father in the dining room, both gazing off into the distance for different reasons.

"Terrible," he said matter-of-factly.

Emma didn't budge. "Nice job," she quipped.

"I thought so, too."

"A for effort?"

"Oh, it was bad. Still smells. I'm convinced it's part of why she wanted to come back here."

Laughing, Emma playfully punched Ed's arm. "Oh dad," she said. "I love you. Come on. Grab the brownies. I'll pick a movie."

"Still don't trust me with movie selection?" Ed asked, feigning hurt feelings as he piled the heart-shaped brownies onto a plate and grabbed napkins.

"With good reason," Olivia quipped, having returned from the bathroom with a freshly bathed and pajama clad Noah. "I'm sure a bath before brownies wasn't smart, but I'm willing to bet he'll be asleep midway through the film."

"How about The Secret Life of Pets?"

Ed rolled his eyes. Olivia swatted his stomach and shoved him towards the couch. "Sounds perfect, Em," she said.

"I hate movies that get me attached to cartoon animals," Ed grumbled, plopping down at the end of the couch and pulling Olivia down right next to him.

She patted his thigh sympathetically and smiled as Emma sat on the other end of the couch and Noah crawled in the middle of all of them. "You'll survive," she said in mock comfort.

Half an hour later, Emma had moved to the oversized arm chair, legs thrown over the side as she thumbed around on her phone and half-watched the movie. Noah was curled up next to Olivia, who had stretched her feet out to the spot Emma vacated earlier and was leaning back against Ed, who massaged her scalp lightly The movie played in the background as Olivia tried to get a look at the scene without jostling a drowsy Noah. Ed noticed her movement and kissed just above her ear.

"Ya okay?"

Smiling, Olivia took a look around the room. Emma had been quiet, and despite a friendly greeting and the earlier ribbing of her father, the distance was there, particularly with Olivia. She had yet to look her in the eyes that evening. But Olivia shook it off for the time being and allowed herself to realize that they were all together. A tiny sliver of hope began to seep into her. Maybe they were slowly getting back on track, she thought.

"I'm…good," she said softly, straining her neck to kiss his lips. "I'm good."

* * *

"Olivia!" Emma said, surprised to see the older woman perched on a bench outside of the Upper West Side building. "What are you doing here?"

Standing, Olivia handed her a cup. "Got you some cocoa," she said softly. "Thought maybe I'd walk you home after your appointment."

Emma looked down and shifted. Her eyes were red and raw from how hard she had rubbed them during her therapy appointment, but she was startled that Olivia had picked that day to meet her.

"Didn't mean to throw you," she explained. "I just…well, the other night I noticed you seemed a little more…out of it than usual?"

Emma scoffed. "Than usual?"

Smiling softly, Olivia tried to duck her head and catch Emma's eyes. "I just meant you looked more distant," she said. "And I guess, well, I know those looks."

"From you job?" Emma spat, her toe digging into the sidewalk.

"Yes," Olivia admitted. "Also from my own life experience." She grabbed Emma's elbow and led her over to the bench. "I know things have been rocky. I know you're scared to get close to me…"

"Stop," Emma whispered. "Please."

"Em…"

"Look," the young girl said, interrupting Olivia and slowing the conversation down just a little bit. "I want my dad to be happy. You make him happy. He…he loves you so much. You make him better. I get that. I really do."

Olivia nodded and swallowed hard, looking down at the sidewalk for a few seconds before looking back over at Emma. "But?"

Emma let out a half laugh, half cry and shook her head. "I don't know how to do this."

Taking a chance, Olivia reached out to Emma and grasped her hand. Surprised and heartened that she squeezed back, Olivia took another chance. "Neither do I," she admitted softly. "But I know I want to try."

"I've always been a bit of a loner," Emma mumbled, taking her hand back and brushing her hair back from her face. Olivia sat quietly, eyes wide in surprise that Emma kept talking. "Even before all of this. I had a couple of friends, but never a close one. Amanda was good, but even then…"

She paused and took a sip of her drink, watching the pedestrians pass. "And then when my mom…well, I guess that sort of secured my fate."

"Emma, you aren't alone."

"Don't say that," Emma hissed. "Don't."

"I'm sorry," Olivia whispered. "I…well, I don't want you to be alone. Or feel alone. I want to help you."

"You can't help me if you're dead, too."

Emma froze, surprised the words came out. Olivia sucked in a breath.

"Fuck, I'm sorry," Emma said, her words rushing. "Oh god, Olivia, I'm sorry I didn't mean…"

"Hey," Olivia said, reaching for her hand for a second time. "Don't apologize. You…that took a lot of work for you to say that."

"Look," Emma said, pulling strength from somewhere deep. She squared her shoulders and finally made eye contact with Olivia. "I don't want to be the reason things are so hard for you and my dad. But…"

"You need time?"

"Yeah," Emma breathed out in relief. Olivia almost smiled as she watched some of the tension and weight lift from the young girl's shoulders with that small admission.

"That's okay," she whispered. "We have time."

"Okay."

The pair sat in silence for a bit, before Olivia stood up and tossed her empty coffee cup in the trash. "You finished?" Emma nodded, handed her the cup and watched as she tossed that one too. "Come on," Olivia said, encouraging her to stand up. "I need to get back to the precinct, but I wanna make sure you get home. Okay?"

Nodding, Emma shoved her hands in her pocket and walked slowly alongside of Olivia as they meandered down the street. She nudged them towards Ninth Avenue, avoiding the business of Columbus Circle, and once the pair neared Ed's building Emma stopped in her tracks. She grabbed Olivia's arm, causing her to spin around, eyes wide.

"What is it?" She asked quickly. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

Emma flinched a little bit at the term of endearment, but allowed it to wash over and soften a little bit of her heart.

"Don't give up on me?"

She barely even whispered the phrase. Emma's voice was so soft that Olivia wasn't even sure she heard her accurately.

"Please," Emma said, her voice a bit louder and full of emotion. "Please don't give up on me."

Tears sprung to Olivia's eyes but she quickly pushed them down.

"Never," she replied firmly. "You _neve_r have to worry about that. And that is a promise I can absolutely keep."

Emma nodded and gave her a soft smile. "Okay," she said, nodding towards the lobby. "I'm good from here. I know you need to get back to work."

Hesitant to leave, but knowing she had to, Olivia returned Emma's smile and took a step towards her, pulling her into a soft embrace. "Thank you," Olivia said. "Thank you for talking to me."

Pulling back, Emma wiped her face with the back of her hand.

"Call me, Emma, okay? Anytime."

"Okay."

Olivia gave her one more, tighter squeeze before heading off down the block. Emma watched her go and bit her bottom lip. Eventually, tired of the cold, she made her way into the building and stepped onto a waiting elevator car. Trying to take deep breaths and ward off the panic she began to feel having allowed herself to crack open a bit more with Olivia, she incessantly pressed the button to her floor and bounced back and forth. As soon as she was inside, she bolted all the locks, started a hot shower, and stared at herself in the mirror. Her breathing continued to quicken and she felt her hands tingle. Left with no other option, Emma popped a couple of her pills and closed her eyes for a bit, willing them to work quickly. As her body slowly relaxed, she finally shed her school clothes and stepped into the steaming hot shower.

"You're okay," she told herself. But as her body relaxed, the loneliness set back in. "You're okay."

* * *

**_Not my best, but its been a while. Thanks for your patience. Ready for Father Eugene to make an appearance?_**


	41. Chapter 41

**_The Eugene arc will be canon-ish, but given the whole premise of this story is "what if Tuckson got together much earlier than they did on the show" there will obviously be some differences, both big and small. And the very first thing I'm changing is that in this story OMB is not dumb enough to leave her son with Nina. I'll forever be annoyed at that move. Anyways. Here you go._**

**Chapter 41**

Ed could tell from Olivia's body language that she was tense. He couldn't blame her. This was the first time they were having to interact professionally, for this type of investigation, since they had officially disclosed. Bringing Mike Dodds with her to his office earlier that day had been a smart move and he remembered leaning back in his chair, smirking with pride. Olivia Benson was no fool. She knew they had to interact, and she knew that having Mike Dodds be the one potentially having to assure the higher ups that there was no improper conduct or bending of the rules, came with a higher level of credibility. But now, back in the squad with Ed joining them, her jaw had locked up and he could see the vein in her forehead pulse slightly. A minor detail, not something anyone else would notice, but Ed did. He noticed everything about her.

"This doesn't sound like the M.O. of a street gang," Olivia said, placing her paper coffee cup on the table and wiping her lips, a move Ed knew to be one of frustration. "But that's what Vice keeps saying."

"Yeah, well," Carisi said, sitting back and shrugging. "What'd ya expect them to do? Confess?"

"Ah," Tucker grunted. "They called my bluff."

"Unusual for you, Captain," Fin said with a small smile, knowing he was ribbing Tucker. He still had reservations about his and Olivia's relationship, but though he would never admit it, the IAB Captain was growing on him ever so slightly.

"You talked to them again, Amanda, what came of it?"

"No one is cooperating," Amanda said. "They all went back in different directions."

"Someone has to know something," Benson said firmly, unwilling to give up. Ed gazed at her, watching the wheels turn in her head. He knew they had to keep it professional, and he planned to, but inside he was in awe of how even with the slightest of comments her passion and fuel for justice came oozing out of her being. "Friends? Classmates?"

"We can ask," Amanda said simply and with a shrug. "Natalia and Margaret both went to St. Fabiola's, and so did Cara."

"That's the all-girls religious school in the south Bronx, right?" Dodds asked, finally speaking up for the first time in several minutes."

Benson nodded and opened her mouth to assign Rollins and Carisi to the task, but Ed took a deep breath and inserted himself into the discussion.

"I, uh, well I may know someone there."

Olivia eyed him. She didn't quite understand the hesitation in his voice. Ed glanced at her, his eyes already asking forgiveness, for he knew she was unaware of this particular piece of his family history and connection.

"My cousin, Eugene, he's a psychologist," he said softly. "Last I heard that's where he was."

Gaping at him, Olivia remained silent.

"The last you heard? He's your cousin," Carisi said, half in jest but half incredulously. He eyed his Lieutenant and swallowed. By the look on her face, this had come as a surprise to her as well.

Ed shrugged. "He's a priest. Our interests diverged."

Mike Dodds gave a small smirk. "Estranged Irish relatives. How rare."

Finally recovering from the tiny bombshell Ed had dropped, Olivia cleared her throat. "You mind talking to him?"

Ed met her eyes and he could see the questions, and the hurt, swirling. "Of course," he said softly. "Whatever you need."

The other four detectives eyed each other warily, unsure what had just transpired. It wasn't over obvious that a tension had risen between the couple, but given they were with four veteran detectives, it was hard to hide.

Benson nodded for Ed to follow her and they walked off towards the office.

"What was that about," Fin said under his breath. The other detectives just shrugged and watched the couple walk away.

"You never told me your cousin was a priest," Olivia said simply. "In fact you never told me you had a cousin at all."

Ed glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes. "You never asked," he shrugged, hoping the simplicity and jest would make her smile.

It didn't. He followed her into the office and they closed the door. She moved quickly to her desk and shuffled around papers. "Do you need any information or anything from me? Before you go talk to him?"

Ed shifted uncomfortably, not liking the rift that had suddenly developed. "No," he said. "I know how to question people, Lieutenant."

Olivia's head snapped up, her eyes wide. "I didn't…"

Putting his hands in his pockets, Ed nodded and offered a small smile. "I know," he whispered. "I'll let you know what I find out." He gave her one last smile before exiting the office. Olivia closed her eyes and fell backwards into her chair, taking some deep breaths. She was unable to explain why she reacted they way she had to the revelation about Ed's cousin, but she felt a slight betrayal. She had told him almost everything about her history, and she had assumed that she knew all of his. Ed had told her about his parents' passing, he and his brother being not speaking at all. She knew about his marriage and former sister-in-law. Olivia had assumed she knew all there was to know about Ed Tucker's relatives. But she was wrong, and it stung.

* * *

"Ed, calm down," Olivia said, having to break into a jog after Ed as they left the church several days later.

"No," he growled, throwing his hand up to hail a cab. One screeched to a halt in front of them and despite his intense anger, Ed opened the door and gently ushered Olivia into the backseat, before slamming the door shut and banging his head against the leather head rest.

"Baby…" Olivia reached out and grasped his forearm, trying to keep his attention and calm him down. Her touch worked, but only slightly, as Ed closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The couple stayed like that until the cab jerked violently, tossing them around in the backseat. Ed reached out and steadied Olivia.

"Ya okay?"

"Yeah," she breathed, but reached to his face with her gloved hand. "Are you?"

"I let the name slip," he said softly. "I gave him Cara's name. And now she's dead."

"Oh no, no no," Olivia said quickly, her other hand reaching for her face so she could cup his cheeks firmly. "You're not doing this. It is not your fault."

"Is it?" He asked, his eyes wide and full of hurt and betrayal. "I should've known not to go to Eugene. We haven't spoken in…I don't even know how many years. He never reached out after Suzanne's death. And suddenly I just walked in and gave him those names? How stupid was I?"

"He's a priest," Olivia said simply. "Of course you trusted that."

"I trust no religion and I definitely don't trust him," he replied shortly. "I haven't for a long time, but definitely not anymore. This one's on me."

Unable to convince him otherwise, at least while in the backseat of a cab, Olivia did the only thing she knew to do; she brought his head to hers and kissed him deeply. Ed immediately responded, threading his fingers through her hair and kissing her back, hungrily and desperately. They stayed like that, lips locked and breaths quick, until the cab came to a screeching halt in front of the precinct.

"Where's Nina now?" Ed asked, his fingers gently gliding over Olivia's lips.

"At my apartment with an officer. She's safe," Olivia said, and as she saw Ed's eyes widen she quickly continued. "I had Lucy take Noah over to your place. They are hanging with Emma…that okay?"

"Of course," Ed said, his face screwed up wondering why she even asked. But after a few seconds, his face fell again.

"Nina is safe, Ed," she assured him. "She's safe."

"So was Cara," Ed whispered.

"Come on," Olivia said, dragging him out of the cab. "Let's regroup upstairs. Maybe check on Emma…make sure everyone's good, then we can go see Nina."

Ed followed her up the stairs and as they neared the top, he tugged on Olivia's hand and turned her around. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Ed reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Liv, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Eugene."

Olivia forced a smile. "We can talk about that later. We _will _talk about that later." she said with a resignation to her voice signaling she was still bothered he had never disclosed some of his family to her. Instead, she pushed it down and got back to business. "But right now we have some work to do, Captain."

Ed smirked and gave her behind a soft slap as she turned to go up the stairs. Giggling they entered the squad room and stepped onto the elevator. As she hit the floor for the 1-6, Ed grasped her hand and kissed it.

"Hey Liv?" he whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I love you," he said, squinting his eyes at her. "You know that, right?"

Olivia nodded and bit her lip to force down the bubbling of emotion she was beginning to feel. "I know."

* * *

Having decided to climb the seven flights of stairs to his apartment, Ed trudged up the last few and leaned against the wall outside of his apartment for a few minutes trying to catch his breath. The emotions running through his system were strong, and he couldn't identify which one was stronger. The anger at Eugene, the guilt of what happened to Cara, or the growing fear that this was going to drive a wedge in between him and Olivia. To make matters worse, he now had an additional nagging fear that this was somehow going to cost Olivia, and possibly him, their jobs.

_To hell with my job_, he thought to himself as he allowed his head to rest against the apartment door. And he meant that thought. Ed Tucker decided right then and there that he would do anything and everything in his power to make sure none of this came down on Olivia. Just as he was about to let his mind wander to the possibility of being implicated criminally, he heard the locks jiggle on the door. Startled, both him and Lucy jumped back a little.

"Captain Tucker," she breathed out, hand over her heart as she caught her breath.

"Lucy," he said. "I'm sorry I scared ya."

"Oh, no problem," she said. "I was just heading out…I let Olivia know."

"Not a problem," Ed said, standing to the side and letting Lucy exit. "Thanks for everything. I'll let Liv know I'm here with them."

Nodding, Lucy gave the captain a smile and stepped onto the elevator. Ed let out a sigh and finally entered the apartment, toeing off his shoes and rounding the corner from the foyer.

"Ed!" Noah screeched and ran over to him, arms up and squealing as Ed tossed him lightly into the air before pulling him into a hug.

"Hey pal," he said softly, kissing his cheek. "Have a good day?"

"Uh huh!" Noah squirmed to get down, took Ed's hand, and drug him into the kitchen. "I helpin'!"

"Hey dad," Emma said, stirring the contents of a large pot on the stove.

"Whatcha makin'" Ed asked, taking a whiff of the aroma spreading throughout his apartment.

"Chili," she said. "I explained to Noah he could make it into a taco, which finally got his approval for tonight's menu."

Ed chuckled and tussled Noah's hair. "Ya like tacos, bud?"

Noah nodded and tugged on Emma's sleeve. "I help?"

Emma picked him up and let him peer into the pot. "Nah," she said. "You see? It just needs to simmer now."

"Sim-mer," Noah repeated slowly. He nodded his head in agreement then reached over to pat Emma's cheek. "Okay, we pay!"

Laughing, Emma set him down. "Okay, you go play for a bit. I'll be right there."

Noah trotted off and Emma washed her hands in the sink. "So," she asked, eyeing her father out of the corner of her eyes. She could see the uncertainty in his face as he watched Noah across the kitchen bar. "Eugene?"

Ed grunted. "Fuck him" he breathed out.

"Been a long time since I've heard his name," Emma allowed. "Don't even know what he looks like."

"You wouldn't," Ed said softly, his hand rubbing down his face. "Never met him."

"Really?"

"Really," he said. "He was always so…stand-off-ish once he joined the priesthood. Couldn't be bothered with the likes of me…"

"Well," Emma said, a small smile gracing her face as she elbowed her father and repeated his earlier sentiments. "Fuck him."

Knowing he should admonish her language, Ed instead let out a laugh and pulled Emma into his side, kissing the top of her head. "It's good to be home," he whispered. "And see you smile. School okay?"

"Same as usual," she reported. The duo stood in silence for a little bit. The only sounds coming from Noah's truck that would sing every time he rolled it around. Finally, Emma shifted a little bit and looked up at Ed. "Is everything okay?"

Ed never talked to her about work for many reasons. But Emma had this nagging feeling that something was wrong. She kept telling herself it was anxiety and a consequence of her now jumping straight to worst-case scenarios in everything, but judging from her father's body language, she was convinced something was wrong.

"Yeah," he allowed, but then shook his head. "Well, I don't know. Things are…messy."

"Are _you_ okay?" Emma's eyes were wide as she stared up at her father. Despite still feeling slightly intimidated by him, she needed him. And she desperately needed things to be okay for the time being.

"Of course," he said, forcing a smile and patting Emma's arm. There was no reason to sound the alarm to his daughter that this was anything but a standard investigation, so he put on his best poker face and lied through his teeth, offering up the slight tension with Olivia as a hopeful distraction. "Olivia is a little miffed with me that I never told her I had a cousin. So I gotta fix that. But me? I'm just fine."

Emma kept looking at Ed, but let it go. He clearly didn't want to talk about it, but she knew that wasn't the entire story.

"Olivia coming by?"

Ed nodded and looked at his watch. "She had to go see the ADA."

"That's that Barba guy, right?"

For some reason, Emma's comment made him chuckle. "Yeah," he said glancing down at her. "That the Barba guy."

In the dark about the possible implications about Olivia's visit with Rafael, Emma just shrugged.

"Hope she likes chili."

* * *

"He had nothing to do with this, Rafael, and you know it," Olivia seethed, her narrowed brown eyes burning holes through the ADA's head. "You _know_ it."

"Do I?" He pushed back, head cocked to the side and eyebrow raised. "I know that he was the only other person who knew Cara's name. I know that his cousin is definitely involved in some way. And you of all people know the lengths people go to in order to help their own blood…"

Olivia thought back to Simon and swallowed hard, her face beginning to redden. "That was a low blow, even for you."

"But I'm not wrong, Olivia," he pushed. "How many of your partners, your friends, has Tucker come after over the years? He even arrested you."

"He did," Olivia admitted. "But we are way past that now."

"Think of this from my point of view, from a jury's point of view," Barba said. "If you weren't screwing around with him, what would you think right now?"

"I'm not screwing around with him," Olivia ground out, seething at how her friend was coming at her and her relationship. "I trust him."

"Do you?"

"Ed Tucker is NOT involved in this," she yelped, feeling panic grow inside of her. She knew how this looked and she knew how the NYPD and the DA's office worked.

"Come on, Olivia, how well to you really know Tucker? You didn't even know he had a cousin who was a priest."

Olivia's heart dropped down into her stomach, but she didn't let that show to the ADA. She was still reeling from that disclosure, and despite it feeling minor to anyone else, it wasn't to her and Rafael knew that. He knew trust was everything to her, and now he was using Ed's misstep to cause her more doubt and to make his case. But no matter how she felt about being blindsided by Ed have a cousin who is a priest, she still believed in him and trusted in him. She knew he was a good man, and she was not letting him go down like this. She was not going to lose him.

Her face hardened and her eyes narrowed as she stared down her friend. "He would never, _ever _be involved in something like this. Ever."

"Lieutenant, do you really trust Ed Tucker enough to swear on your job, your pension, your passion, the victims you help, the life that you have made for you and your son…are you willing to gamble with all of that based on the belief that Tucker is innocent?"

"Go to hell."

* * *

"Liv," Ed breathed her name as she walked in and hung her coat. Noah was long asleep and Emma was in her room reading, so he made a beeline for her and pulled her into his chest. "God it feels good to have ya in my arms."

Olivia nestled her head further into his neck and kissed at it. They stayed like that for several minutes. No words were spoken. They just held onto each other tightly, almost as if this were for the last time.

"Ed, I'm sorry," she whispered, finally pulling back just enough to peer up into his eyes. She could see the questions, the worry swirling in his baby blues and it was killing her what she now knew about where this case was headed.

"For what? Whatever happened in that meeting with Barba?"

Olivia closed her eyes and gripped his hands. "Come on," she whispered. "Let's sit."

Ed grabbed a half empty bottle of bourbon and two glasses and followed Olivia into the living room. They sat down, so close that their thighs pressed against each other, as Ed poured them each a generous portion.

"I'm being set up?"

Olivia closed her eyes, unable to look into his eyes as she nodded.

"Dammit," he said, his voice growing louder. "Dammit."

"Ed…"

"You know how this goes, Liv," he said, taking her hands and looking her dead in the eyes. "You know how it ends. Don't do this. Don't stick your neck out for me. Don't even think about it."

Olivia shook her head, feeling the tears burn as she fought desperately to keep herself in control.

"You haven't done anything," she said, her voice nearing a yelling decibel. "Nothing. I know you, Ed Tucker. I _know_ you and I know you have nothing to do with this."

"You have too much to lose to go down for someone like me," he finally said, cocking his head slightly to the side.

"Someone like you?" Olivia asked, pulling back a little and narrowing her eyes. "Someone like you? A man who has never left my side? A man who has two kids who are still reeling from losing their mother? A man who makes me feel so safe, and so loved, more than I ever have in my entire life? You don't think that's worth it?"

"Olivia…this job…your job…"

"I'm not going to lose my job," she ground out, teeth and jaw clenched. "But I swear to God you are not going down for this. I don't care what I have to do…"

"Liv…"

"We're done having this discussion," she said firmly, downing the rest of the bourbon and letting it burn in her throat. Just as she was about to say something else, her phone buzzed on the coffee table. She eyed Ed and grabbed it, reading the message.

"Liv?" Ed's eyes darted across her face.

"One PP wants to see me. Immediately."

"Olivia don't do this," Ed pleaded, standing and following her to the door.

"Are you okay with Noah for a bit?"

Ed looked at her in shock. "Of course," he said. "But I'm begging you…"

"Stop it," she finally yelled. "Just stop it. "You have too much to lose. I'm not letting them take you down, Ed Tucker. I will fight and claw my way to the ends of the earth if I have to."

Reaching out, he grasped at her arms. "Olivia…"

"Let me go," she aid calmly, reaching up and kissing his lips. "Just…let me go."

Ed released her arms and took a step back, shaking his head.

"It's gonna be okay," she promised him. "I'm gonna fix this."

With that, she flew out of the apartment, her coat flapping a bit as the door shut. Ed stumbled back and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.

"Dad?"

Emma poked her head out of her room and padded down the hallway, placing her hand on his shoulder.

"It's not just a typical case, is it?"

Ed looked down at his daughter. He could feel her fear, and he would have done anything in that moment to have some kind of way to assure her that things were just fine and he wasn't in any kind of trouble. But he couldn't. Taking another deep breath, Ed realized the only way to handle the situation was to be honest with Emma, to not have her blindsided, but to keep assuring her that everything would work out.

"No, no it's not," he finally admitted, pulling Emma into his chest and kissing the top of her head. "It'll be okay," he tried to assure her. "I'm gonna make sure you're okay."

"It's not just me that needs to be okay," she whispered. "I need you."

"You've got me, baby," he said, tightening his grip on her and looking up as he searched for strength he wasn't sure he had in that moment. "I'm right here."

Emma squeezed him once more before pulling back and putting on a brave face. "Olivia will fix it," she said confidently, patting his arm and moving to the kitchen. "She just will."

_That's what I'm afraid of_, Ed thought to himself. Shaking off his nerves, he followed Emma.

"I'm gonna make some hot cocoa. Wanna watch a movie?"

Ed forced a smile. "Anything you want."


	42. Chapter 42

_**Two in one weekend...try not to get used to it. Also this chapter sorta...took on a mind of it's own. **_

**Chapter 42**

Olivia rushed into her apartment, letting the door slam as she dropped her bag and tossed her coat towards the closet, allowing it to hit the ground. She didn't care. After only a few days at Community Affairs, she was miserable and angry. So angry that she and Lucy had decided she would go home, shower and change, before Lucy would get Noah from daycare. It gave Olivia a chance to blow off steam so she could enjoy and soak up the evening with her son. Only this day, when she arrived home, her apartment was not empty.

"Liv?"

Ed came wandering out of her kitchen, his gray sweat pants hanging low on his hips and a tight white undershirt hugging his arm muscles tightly.

"What's wrong?"

"Just…fuck," she exclaimed, shaking her head and rubbing her lips.

"Hey," Ed said, quickly making his way over to her and gathering her into his arms. "Okay, babe," he said softly, rubbing her back. He could feel her body shaking with what he assumed was frustration. They stayed like that for a while before Ed pulled back slightly and traced her cheek with his index finger. "Okay?"

She shook her head. "None of this is okay," she said, her voice trembling. She took a quick look around the room. "Noah? Emma? Lucy?"

"Lucy took Noah to the park. Emma has a therapy lesson. Just us."

Olivia narrowed her eyes and launched herself at Ed, kissing him with such force he stumbled backwards and into the counter.

"Oof," he said, causing Olivia to pull back briefly.

"Okay?"

"Oh yeah."

"Good," she said, attacking his mouth once again. Their kiss was desperate, frantic, almost rough as their hands began to roam quickly and firmly all over their bodies. Olivia made quick work of his white tee and felt Ed unbutton the top couple of buttons of her blue polo. "I hate this shirt," she spat. "Fucking hate it."

Ed lightly ran his fingertip along her collar bone, brushing the coarse feeling material to the side as he traced her smooth skin.

"Stupid shirt," he mumbled, his eyes roaming up and down her body. "I can take care of that…"

His eyes darkened and Olivia raised her eyebrows, before letting out a yelp as Ed took both hands and ripped the polo straight down the front and off of her body.

"Ed," she gasped, half in shock and half in ecstasy as he already had his hands on her breasts, squeezing, caressing, and pinching. Unable to help herself from chuckling at the fact that Ed Tucker literally ripped the ugly polo off of her body, she let her head fall backwards and sighed as Ed placed kiss all over her neck. Nipping and sucking, he moved to her pants and unbuttoned them, shoving his hands inside of them so he could squeeze her behind and pull her flush against him.

"I need you," she said breathlessly, suddenly standing up straight and moving him towards her bedroom. "I need you…"

Ed's eyes were dark and full of desire for her. As soon as they got into her room, he gently tossed her onto her back, swiftly pulled her slacks off and landed on top of her. Ed slowed them down briefly, taking time to trace the pattern of her face and stare at her.

"I love you, Olivia Benson," he whispered. "I love you more and more every day."

"I love you too," she rasped, laying still and allowing him the time he needed to admire her. She lasted a few moments before she began to shift, still a little self-conscious of just how deeply he would admire her when they made love. "I love you, Ed," she said, shifting her hips and moving her mouth right up against his ear. "Make love to me, Captain."

* * *

"Have you heard from my dad?" Emma was walking so close to Olivia that their arms were brushing with every step. Olivia had blown off Community Affairs, taken Emma out of school, and they spent the day wandering around the city before having dinner. They both desperately needed distracting, so Olivia made the executive decision and hoped Ed would forgive her later for helping Emma play hooky. He had been called back yet again to answer questions related to his connection to Father Eugene and the sex trafficking ring, and from the looks of it the stress was wearing on Emma more than either Olivia or Ed had realized. In fact, the recent case implicating Ed had rattled Emma so much it was pushing her closer to Olivia and she was powerless to stop it. Olivia could tell Emma was fighting it, desperately trying to keep her distance and protect her heart, but Olivia saw this as an in - a way of finally cracking through Emma's hard shell and allowing their relationship to strengthen again, gaining back the ground they lost after the hostage situation.

"No," she sighed. "I saw him briefly when he was on break, right before I came to get you."

Emma bit her lip nervously and slowed down, looking up at Olivia with wide, scared blue eyes. "What's gonna happen, Olivia? What's gonna happen to my dad?"

"Oh sweetheart," Olivia said, pulling her into her side and kissing her head. "He's gonna be okay. My squad…my squad is on it. They aren't going to let him go down for any of this."

"I wanna believe you," Emma whispered, pulling back out of Olivia's embrace but still remaining close. "But…"

"I know," Olivia said, her voice dripping with compassion and empathy. "I know, Emma. All I can say is that I'm right here. We're all gonna get through this."

Nodding, Emma glanced up as they rounded the corner and neared Olivia's building. She squinted her eyes as she spotted a man leaning against the iron fencing that separated the ramp into the building from the city sidewalk. Sensing something was off, she shuffled closer to Olivia, which caught the older woman's attention and she looked up, her entire body tensing.

"Lieutenant Benson," the man said, pushing off the fence and nearing the duo.

Olivia immediately stepped in front of Emma. "Monsignor," she said, trying to hide her surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh," he said whimsically. "Thought I'd just…stop by. Check on you. See how you were holding up. I know this is all quite hard to process."

Olivia's eyes narrowed and her gut twisted. She turned around ever so slightly and squeezed Emma's hand. "Go on inside," she said quietly. "Wait with Pierre at the front desk. I'll be right in."

"No," Emma said, her voice steady. "I'm staying with you."

"It's okay," Olivia soothed. "He's just someone I know from work. I promise you it's okay. But why don't you wait in the lobby, okay? I'll talk to him quickly then we can go upstairs together."

Emma took one more look at the man standing in front of them and chills ran through her spine. Finally she did as Olivia requested, sneaking glances back as she moved inside the building. Once Emma was out of sight and earshot, Olivia's demeanor switched.

"What the hell are you doing here," Olivia seethed, taking a step towards the Monsignor.

"Eugene filled me in on what happened with his cousin," he said simply. "I wanted to see if I could offer any support."

"Fuck you," Olivia said, her voice getting louder. "Get away from me. From us."

The Monsignor smiled, not rattled in the least by Olivia's words. Instead, he cocked his head to the side. "That Eddie's little girl?"

Olivia stayed silent, her jaw set and her face hardening. He made an exaggerated show of trying to peer into the lobby to get another look at Emma. "She's quite beautiful," he murmured. "Would hate for something to happen to her."

Olivia felt her entire chest constrict as a wave of nausea rushed over her at the threat she had just heard. She moved forward, raising a hand and ready to shove the Monsignor into the wall of the building, but he side stepped her and began to walk away, whistling lightly.

"Take care, Lieutenant," he said, back still to her, as he disappeared around the corner.

Olivia, still shaking, took a few more minutes to try and compose herself before she went back into the building and got Emma. Closing her eyes, she thought about who to call, and ultimately landed on Mike Dodds. After firing off a text for him to get over to her apartment as soon as he could, she took a deep breath and made her way back into the lobby.

Emma was pacing between the front desk and the corridor of three elevators. Upon seeing Olivia enter, she made a beeline for her.

"Olivia!" She ran right to her and stopped, grasping at her arms as she saw the look on the woman's face. "Who was that?"

Still working to stay calm, she gave Emma a small smile and took her elbow, leading her to the elevator. "Come on," she said softly. "Let's get upstairs and we can talk."

"Everything okay, ma'am?" Pierre, one of the regular doormen and Olivia's favorite, looked at her with a concerned face.

"Just fine," she said, forcing a smile. "Thank you for keeping Emma company."

"My pleasure, ma'am."

As they waited on the elevator, Olivia stepped back over to Pierre. Knowing Emma was watching her like a hawk, she kept her voice low. "If that man comes back near this building, call 9-1-1. Got it?"

Pierre, always the professional and understanding the way Olivia was handling this, merely nodded with a small smile.

"Yes ma'am."

"Thank you," Olivia patted his arm and jogged back over to Emma, stepping into the elevator. As she watched the numbers go up, her brain scrambled for ways to be honest with Emma, but not terrify her. Olivia knew exactly what the Monsignor was threatening and she was not about to let anything happen to the young woman next to her, the young woman whom she had grown to love deeply.

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Carisi said, rubbing the back of his neck as he paced around the table in the squad room. Rollins sat back watching him process the newest information from Olivia. Fin was pouring over the camera footage from outside of Olivia's building and Dodds was in his temporary office, on the phone and from the looks of it was not liking what he was hearing.

"This Monsignor, out of no where, just decides to approach Benson and threaten Tucker's kid?"

"Look, I know this is hard for you to wrap your mind around, choir boy, but that whole little operation is one giant operation covered up by the Catholic church," Rollins spat, clearly showing no compassion towards how difficult this was for her partner.

"Yeah, well," Fin said, his eyes wide as he looked over at the other detectives. "There's no sound on this video, just the movements. We know Liv is tellin' the truth, but if the brass is looking to pin this on her and Tucker, this ain't gonna help…"

"Tucker know yet?" Carisi had stopped pacing and collapsed into a chair, hands resting on the table and cradling his face.

"Not that I know of," Fin replied. "Liv said he's still down at One PP."

Rollins shook her head. "I have a feeling we will know when Tucker finds out."

"Yeah, he ain't gonna take this well."

Just then Mike Dodds came storming out of his office, face reddened. "There's been an accident," he said, grabbing for his coat. "Sister Nina. Let's go."

Grabbing their jackets, Rollins and Fin followed quickly behind Dodds. Stunned, Carisi took a few moments to collect himself before taking off behind them.

Several hours later, Carisi stood over the body of Sister Nina and bit his lip. Most officers had backed off, securing the scene and waiting for the ME, but Dodds quietly approached Carisi and knelt down next to him.

"You okay?"

Sonny shook his head. "No," he whispered. "I'm not."

Not knowing what to say, Mike stayed right next to the other detective in silent support. After a few minutes, Carisi sniffed and took a deep breath.

"She was trying to help those girls," he whispered. "She led a life that was just, holy, and good. And this is how it ends for her? What kind of God does that?"

Mike squeezed Carisi's shoulder. "I'm not much of a religious man," he said softly. "And I can't answer your question. But we can get her justice. _You_ can help get her justice."

A few tears fell onto the ground next to Sister Nina's body before Carisi stood up and wiped his face. Mike followed suit, keeping an eye on Sonny.

"Liv know yet?"

"No."

"She's gonna lose her shit…"

Dodds let out a long, resigned breath before patting Carisi on the back again. "I should probably get to her before word gets out," he said. "Ya okay here?"

"Yeah," Carisi said quickly, nodding. "Yeah, I'm fine. Go tell Liv."

* * *

Olivia sat on Ed's couch with her head in her hands, listening to Ed pace the apartment. It had been a couple of days since Sister Nina's murder and other than a visit and two calls from Sergeant Dodds, Olivia and Ed were mostly kept in the dark. She had always assumed the squad wouldn't divulge every detail, both for their protection and hers, but the radio silence was almost deafening. Her career, Ed's career and his actual freedom, and Emma's safety were all at stake and the muted updates from her detectives were eating her alive. The only information they had was from the news when Father Eugene had officially become the sacrificial lamb of he operation.

"She shouldn't be at school," Ed spat for the third time that morning. "Eugene wasn't the one who threatened her…"

Sighing, Olivia wearily lifted her head from her hands and stared him down. "Fin and two other officers are there," she said, frustration eating into her tone.

"Easy for you to say, she's not your kid," Ed grumbled, before freezing, immediately regretting his words.

Olivia flew up from the coach and pointed her finger at him. "How dare you," she seethed. "You really think I'd gamble with Emma? With _anyone_, but especially with her? I love that girl, Ed Tucker and you know it."

"Liv…"

"Don't say anything," she said, shaking her head. "I know you're frustrated. I know you're scared."

"I'm terrified, Olivia!" Ed finally gasped, banging the side of his fist hard against the wall. "I'm fucking angry and scared out of my mind."

Not flinching at his outburst, Olivia bit her lip and moved towards him, taking his rugged face in her hands. "I'm sorry," she whispered, kissing his lips softly. "I'm sorry, okay?"

"No," he said, pulling her tightly into his chest and looking up. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I just…"

"I know."

"We can't let this tear us apart, Liv," he begged, clutching her tighter. "We can't. I can't lose you."

Olivia returned his tightened squeeze. "You won't," she said, allowing them to stay like that for a few minutes, breathing in each other.

"I'm sorry I never told you about Eugene," Ed finally said, breaking their solace.

"It's okay."

"Is it?"

Olivia pulled back and shrugged. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt," she admitted. "That it didn't cause my mind to doubt, ever so slightly, that I didn't know you as well as I thought. But…we've been through a lot, Ed. It's been heavy and sometimes brutally awful, and I can't fault you for never bringing up your cousin. Especially if you're not close."

"When this is over," Ed said, causing Olivia's face to brighten as it was the first time he had shown a sign that they would get out of this situation unscathed. "When this is over, we can stay up all night and divulge all of our secrets."

Ed smirked at her and she threw her head back and laughed. "An all-nighter, huh? What are we, college kids?"

"No," Ed said with a shrug, his arms snaking back around her waist and swaying them back and forth. "Just two people in love, with a whole lotta crap being thrown at them."

They heard the lock jiggle and turned around just in time to see Emma come in, Mike Dodds right behind her.

"Dodds," Olivia said, her voice unable to mask the surprise. "I expected to see Fin."

"Ah," he said, nervously looking around. "I, ah, wanted to come talk to ya."

Olivia swallowed and Ed steeled himself. Emma looked between the three adults and went into the kitchen.

"Just gonna grab something to drink," she said softly, reaching for a glass and a soda. "Then you guys can do whatever…I'll just go to my room."

Ed moved around the kitchen bar and kissed her head. "Good day?"

Emma shrugged. "It was fine," she said.

"See Fin at all?"

Letting out a chuckle, Emma nodded. "I passed him a few times. He definitely had a _don't fuck with me_ face with his dark sunglasses on."

Olivia, overhearing the exchange, let out a smile. "He was definitely the right one for the job…"

"Where's Noah?"

"Still napping," Olivia said. "Probably for another half hour? Took him to the park for a while and he wore himself out climbing around."

Emma nodded, tossing the can in recycling after fixing her glass and reaching for the Cheez-Its. "I'll set this up in my room," she said. "Is it okay if I take him in with me? We can hang out when he wakes up."

Olivia nodded and gave Emma a smile, appreciative of her understanding and aware of her need to not be alone. She may be a seasoned cop kid, but Olivia could tell she was rattled. "Of course," she said. "Need help?"

"Nah, I got it."

The trio waited until Emma had disappeared down the hallway, clicking the door closed once she had Noah, and Ed gestured towards the living room.

"What's going on, Mike," he asked, assuming he was there with some heavy updates.

Wasting no time, Dodds jumped right to the point. "Look, my dad is ready to throw you both under the bus."

Olivia's jaw dropped, but Ed remained steady as if the news didn't surprise him.

"Of course he is," he quipped. "Saving his own ass is a Dodds specialty."

"Ed…"

"It's okay, Lieutenant," Mike said quickly. "But, Tucker, you brought this on yourself."

Ed scoffed and shook his head.

"What do we do," Olivia asked, unwilling to give up. "Where do we go from here. This isn't the end, Mike, and you know it."

Mike didn't say anything.

"Ya know, I'm disappointed in you," Olivia finally said. "For a while I was beginning to trust you. I thought maybe you were nothing like your father. You were becoming one of us, one of the squad. But now?"

Mike looked over at Olivia and gave her a soft smile. "This is bigger than me," he said simply. "Look, Tucker takes an early retirement and hopefully keeps his pension as long as we move quickly, before they try and pin this on him being a dirty cop. Then we can work on you getting your job back."

Ed let out an exhale, but Olivia shook her head.

"No."

"Liv…"

"Not a chance in hell am I going to sit back and allow the NYPD to let the Monsignor, who by the way is the one who threatened Emma, run free while Ed loses his career."

"Lieutenant Benson, you know this could cost you your job at SVU, or maybe you're own pension." Dodds said carefully. "Wanna be at Community Affairs forever? Or worse?"

"Not worth it, Liv," Ed said out of the corner of his mouth.

"It is," she said defiantly. "_You_ are worth it. It's not gonna end this way," she said, standing up and grabbing her phone.

"Olivia, what are you doing," Dodds asked, standing up and ready to stop her from doing something she'd regret. "The Monsignor's threat was empty." he said, shrugging.

"I'm calling the one squad member who can help me right now. Sonny's faith is so strong, there's no way he's gonna back down from this" she said, searching for Carisi's number before looking back up incredulously. "I cannot _believe_ you aren't taking this asshole's threat seriously after they threw Eugene to the wolves. Are you that naive, Sergeant Dodds?" Olivia's eyes were fire and burning holes straight through Mike Dodds as she held her phone against her shoulder.

"Olivia, once we back off, he's not gonna come after Emma."

"And you just proved you haven't been at SVU long enough to run this unit," she seethed. "I don't care what this costs me. I've risked my career before and I'll do it again. That girl will be safe and Ed Tucker will have a clear name."

* * *

Forty-five minutes later, Emma came padding out of her bedroom with Noah in her arms.

"Mommy," he said, reaching for Olivia and cuddling into her chest. Olivia kissed at his messy bed-head and rubbed his back. "Juice?"

"I got it," Emma said, moving quickly into the kitchen and grabbing a cup. "My dad here?"

"He went down to the gym," Olivia said, sitting on the couch and rocking Noah as he woke up from his longer than usual nap. "Feeling okay, sweet boy?"

"Yeah," he sighed, but showed no signs of wanting to leave her arms.

Emma came over and handed Noah the juice. She stood for a couple of seconds, before deciding to sit on the chair as opposed to sitting next to Olivia.

"I overheard some of what happened earlier," she admitted softly, looking down at her hands as she turn them over on her lap.

"I'm sorry, Emma," Olivia said, shifting Noah so she could face her directly. "I'm sorry this is happening."

Emma didn't say anything for a while. She picked at her leggings and bit her lip, occasionally shifting in her seat. "That Dodds guy," she said. "He seemed…nice…ya know, back in January."

Olivia pressed her lips in a straight line, debating how to respond. She finally decided on simple, honest truth. "He has a good heart," she said. "Or, I think he does. But sometimes, well, sometimes when pressure comes from powerful people…"

"He caved."

Nodding, Olivia agreed with her. "Seems that way."

"But my dad…he's not gonna go to jail or anything, right?"

"Right," Olivia said firmly. "That is the one thing I can be sure of right now."

They remained silent, the only sounds coming from Noah as he slurped the rest of his juice. The little boy leaned forward, placed his cup on the table, and squirmed to get down.

"Tains?"

"Sure," Olivia said. "You know where they are."

He scampered off by the fireplace and pulled out his toys. Once he was busy and occupied, Olivia turned her attention back to Emma, but before she could open her mouth, Emma started talking.

"You would really risk your career for my dad? For me?" Her head was tilted to the side and her eyes, the Ed Tucker icy blue eyes, studied her carefully. If it hadn't been such a serious moment, Olivia might have chuckled at just how similar their scrutinizing looks were.

"I would."

"You love your job."

"I do," Olivia allowed. "But I trust that my squad. They won't let this case go. It may take longer than we'd like, but they'll nail these guys."

"It's still a big risk you're taking," Emma pushed. "Why?"

Olivia paused and tentatively reached out to grasp Emma's hand. "Because I believe in your dad. I believe in him with every fiber of my being. He is a good man. A strong man. He has principles and beliefs and integrity. He works hard. He loves you and Nate. He loves Noah."

"He loves you, too."

Olivia smiled. "And I love him," she said softly. "I love you too, Emma. I want you to feel safe and loved and supported. So this? Right here? Clearing your dad's name and ensuring your safety?"

They two women paused briefly and their eyes met before Olivia continued.

"It's worth the risk."


	43. Chapter 43

_**It's not as long as my usual updates and probably not as good. But instead of forcing myself to finish it, I decided to post as is.**_

**Chapter 43**

"Feel better?"

Olivia cocked her head to the side and sipped her drink, eyeing Ed's body language as he sat next to her at a neighborhood pub. After he returned from the building's gym, she instructed him to take a shower, that they were going out for a bit. Emma watched, amused, as her father did exactly as Olivia told him to without argument.

"Yeah," he grunted. "Sure."

Wiggling her jaw a bit, Olivia just kept watching Ed. He would shift occasionally, take a sip of his drink, rub his forehead, then repeat the process. Now nursing his fourth bourbon, not once did he look up from the bar. Olivia reached out and gripped his wrist, her thumb stroking it slightly.

"What is it?"

Ed sighed. "The hits keep coming, Liv," he finally said, spinning the near-empty glass of bourbon in his hands. "Feels like one thing after another."

Not letting go of his wrist, Olivia's eyes followed the path Ed was spinning with his glass. "Sure has," she whispered, allowing herself to get lost in her own thoughts. "At least…" Olivia's voice trailed off, and broke slightly garnering Ed's attention.

"Liv?"

She shook her head and took a moment to gather her emotions. Finally, she lifted her gaze and stared into his eyes. "At least now, well, we aren't so alone."

Heart cracking, Ed shifted his stool. One hand reached out to stroke her cheek and the other gripped her thigh. "You aren't," he whispered, his eyes narrowing as he looked at her. "_We_ aren't."

"Promise me that won't ever change?" Olivia's voice was at a higher pitch than normal, revealing a near desperate moment for her and Ed felt it.

"I promise you," he began, "Olivia I promise you that I will try with every fiber of my being to make sure you are never alone again."

Olivia nodded and bit her lip before leaning up to give him a quick kiss.

"Can we go back home?"

Ed raised his eyebrows at the term "home." Despite wanting to get him out and for some fresh air, Olivia now only wanted to be back in the apartment with all of them, and she referred to it as home. He almost brought it up, almost went for it and officially asked her about moving in, but he didn't. Instead he allowed them both to live in the current moment, the current need to be together, and nodded his head.

"Absolutely," he said, throwing cash onto the bar and helping her up. "Come on."

They stumbled in the door a few minutes later, Ed realizing the bourbon had more of an effect than he realized given he hadn't eaten much that day. Emma had been dozing on the couch and startled at the entrance.

"Sorry," Olivia said softly, fixing Ed a glass of water and sending him to the living room. She followed quickly and sat next to him, rubbing his arm. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Emma said quickly, standing up. "Everything's fine." She eyed her father warily and folded up the blanket she had been using. "I'm gonna go lay down."

"Em…" Ed said, reaching out for her hand, but Emma flinched ever so slightly at his touch. "You really okay?"

"Of course," she said, moving past them. "Tired. Goodnight."

Ed went to stand up and follow her, but Olivia pulled him back down. "Not now," she said softly, squeezing his hand and realizing perhaps the effect of the alcohol on Ed had upset Emma slightly.

"Fuck," he hissed, realizing the same thing. "God I'm an idiot."

"No," Olivia said firmly. "You're not. It's okay."

Ed leaned his head back on the couch and looked up at the ceiling, the last few weeks passing through his head. "At first, when I realized what was happening," he began, "ya know, that I was being set up, I was angry. But a split second later, I immediately thought about my kids. How they need me. They need a parent."

"They do," Olivia allowed. "And they have one. They have you."

"Maybe I should retire," he mused. "Emma's…terrified of something happening to me. To you. Perhaps, well, perhaps it's time for me to at least entertain the idea."

Olivia just sat and watched Ed as he tried to think clearly with a bourbon-clouded brain. "Ed…"

Refusing to allow the alcohol to reduce his emotions, he shook his head and swallowed hard. "She's my little girl," he whispered, looking at Olivia. "The hits just…they keep coming."

Nodding, Olivia pulled Ed into her arms and closed her eyes. "It'll be over soon," she assured him. "I have faith in Carisi. I have faith in you. We'll talk to Emma in the morning. My squad will clear all of this up. It'll be over soon."

"It has to be," he rasped, griping her more tightly to him.

* * *

The next morning, instead of going to school, Emma explained to Ed that she wasn't feeling well and he quickly allowed her to stay home. She was midway through the last semester of her senior year, had a few college acceptances, and Ed had no desire to push her. Ordinarily a stickler for making sure his kids were in school, making good grades, and not playing sick, Ed had come to realize those things didn't matter in their current situation. For once, he didn't argue. Surprised, Emma just nodded, grabbed a drink, and turned to go back to her room, but her father's voice stopped her.

"Wanna come…watch something with me?"

Emma turned around and could see the need in Ed's eyes, so she agreed. They cozied up on opposite ends of the couch and Ed surfed Netflix for a good movie. He hit play, but kept the volume low.

"Listen," he said softly, patting Emma's leg. "I'm sorry about last night."

"It's okay," she said quickly, shrugging.

"No," Ed said. "It's not. I didn't…think."

Emma didn't give a response and let the conversation dissipate for the moment, pretending to be enthralled in The Day After Tomorrow.

"Interesting movie choice," she finally said with a smirk.

"Eh," Ed said. "Going with the doomsday theme, apparently."

Letting out a big chuckle, Emma finally loosened up. "So many things wrong with this movie." Father and daughter spent the next half hour picking holes in the movie, laughing and enjoying time together.

"Hey," Emma finally said, looking around. "Where's Olivia?"

"Probably miserable at work," Ed responded. "Left early and took Noah to daycare."

"She's been…really great."

Ed took a deep breath and hit pause on the movie, turning to fully face his daughter. "I know things have been tough," he began, hiding his smirk as Emma let out a scoff. "Okay, tough is an understatement…"

"But listen," Ed continued. "Olivia…I love her. You know that, right?"

Biting her lip, Emma nodded, not looking up from where she was twisting the blanket around in her hands.

"I'd like to find a way, somehow, for all of us to…be together."

Emma looked up at Ed. He couldn't quite read her expression. "As in, live together?"

Ed nodded.

"Where?"

Ed looked around. "Here, I suppose," he said. "I, we, would need to figure out the room situation for when Nate comes back…"

"Nate never comes back," Emma snapped. "Pretty sure you don't have to worry too much about him needing a room."

Shaking off and ignoring the gut punch Emma's comment landed, Ed just nodded and carried on. "Are you ready for that?"

She was quiet for a little while, before posing her own question. "Does it matter if I am?"

Ed grabbed for her hand. "It does," he said firmly. "It does. If you told me right here and now that you weren't ready, and you needed more time, Olivia and I would hold off. We could continue our relationship the way it is. And that would be okay."

"But…you don't want to."

"I want us to be together," he said simply, shrugging. "All of us."

Emma nodded and squeezed her dad's hand. "Look," she said. "I can't promise I'll just…forget everything else that's happened. But she's been…amazing. Through all of it. Since mom died…since _before_ mom died. And…I'm trying."

"I know you are."

After a few minutes, Emma looked up at Ed and smiled. "Go for it," she said. "I think, well, I know…that we need her. Even when I'm distant."

Smiling back at her, Ed pulled Emma into him for a hug. "I love you, baby girl."

"Love you too, Daddy."

Ed let his eyes close at Emma calling him _daddy_ for the first time in a while. She was no longer a little girl, but she was his little girl and deep down he knew she would always need him. His children, and now Olivia and Noah, they all needed him. And once his name was cleared, and things went back to normal, he was determined to get them all under one roof. Permanently.

* * *

Olivia rushed over to where Ed sat at the mahogany bar and squeezed his neck. Remaining on her feet while he was seated on the stool gave her several inches on him in height. Olivia cupped his face and kissed at his lips, neither one of them able to hide their smiles.

"It's over," she cooed, her eyes darting around his face.

Ed grinned and leaned up for another kiss. "It's over," he said.

"I figured you'd want to celebrate at home, with the kids?"

"I do," he said, gesturing for her to sit down. They ordered a glass of wine to share, knowing they needed to avoid what had happened the last time, and he fidgeted slightly.

"But?"

"Can't get anything past you, huh Lieutenant?"

"No," she said. "Now spill."

"Move in with me," Ed rasped, surprising himself at how he just went for it.

"What?" Olivia asked, her voice raspy in shock. "Ed…"

"I, well, I had this whole thing planned, what I wanted to say so you knew that I meant it. That I was all in. That Emma…Nate…we all want this. But…clearly I just blurted it out. And maybe…maybe that was for a reason. Maybe it's that simple."

Stunned, Olivia sat back and rubbed her face. She took a deep breath and looked at Ed, really looked at him.

"Are we ready for this?"

"Liv, how could we not be?" Ed asked. "I'm tired of watching you go home at night. I hate sleeping without you. I don't want to be without you. Ever."

"Ed…" she rasped again. He had always been sincere and open with her, but the passion and pleading in his voice was something she had never heard.

"I know we'll need to work on details, figure out how it will work. What it will look like. But…please, Olivia. Please. Can we try?"

Biting her lip as she felt the burn of tears begin in her eyes, she nodded slowly as she kissed his hand.

"Okay," she finally whispered. "I…okay."

"Really?" Ed's face lit up and Olivia couldn't help but let out a chuckle.

"Really," she responded firmly. "But I'm gonna need more closet space…"

Laughing, Ed kissed at her face. "You can have whatever you want."

* * *

**_A/N: It goes without saying that I am absolutely devastated at how they ended our beautiful Tuckson arc. It was cruel and unnecessary, and I am just gutted. I make no promises about if/when this story will go on, but can only hope it will eventually. For now, at least in this world, they are together. _**


	44. Chapter 44

_***taps mic***_

_**Is this thing on?**_

**Chapter 44**

_Two months later_

"Dad!"

Emma dropped her bag and light-weight rain coat in the foyer, shook her hair out a bit, and ambled into the kitchen to grab a class and a soda can.

"Dad? Dad, I'm home!"

Silence.

Emma filled the glass with ice and her beverage, tossed the soda can into the recycling bin under the sink, took a sip, and slowly scanned the apartment. It had been a few weeks since Olivia and Noah had moved in. Not knowing how it would go, Emma expected, for some reason, the entire feel of the apartment to change. But she felt as if they had always lived together. Additional photos scattered surfaces and the walls, toys and a giant toy car garage now took up residence in the living room, there was a permanent lime green booster seat at the table, and the fridge always had almond milk since Olivia also put that in her coffee.

Each day she noticed a new addition. It was clear that Olivia did not want to change the space entirely, or take it over, but every time Emma eyed the room she saw a small difference. A photograph, candle, magnets on the fridge. Today she noticed a vase of fresh sunflowers on the small shelving unit that sat under the main window in the living room. Smiling, she wandered over to the arrangement and scrutinized it. Emma loved sunflowers, and Olivia knew that. Taking another sip, Emma allowed herself to smile and look out the window into the city that had become her home once again. Just as she began to allow her mind to wander back down darker roads, the ding of the elevator and little boy chatter startled Emma out of her thoughts, and she scurried to the foyer to pick up and clear her things. She had just returned to the kitchen bar and resumed sipping her soda when Ed and Noah came in.

"Emma!" Noah impatiently squirmed as Ed took off his jacket before sprinting over to Emma, leaping into her arms. Surprised, but happy, Emma managed to set her drink down before the little boy made it to her and she swung him around a few times eliciting giggles.

"How was your day, Noah?"

"Good," he said softly, playing with Emma's necklaces and puckering his lips in concentration. "What dis?"

"It's a necklace," Emma said, looking down at the blue stone Noah was fingering. Her mother had given it to her for her 13th birthday. She used to not wear it often, but recently it was a near daily addition to Emma's wardrobe. In addition to the blue pendant, she wore a gold chain that had a slim gold rectangle. There were no words or engravings, just a simple piece. She liked the look of double necklaces and while she wanted to wear the pendant so she felt close to her mom, she also didn't want a lot of questions. So she doubled up.

"Oooooh," Noah said, turning the stone around in his hands. Emma just smiled. It was soothing to have Noah in her arms, seemingly interested in her. The little boy had never been shy around her, but had warmed up more since they officially moved in. Emma loved it.

"Want some juice?"

"No tanks," Noah said, suddenly wanting down. "Shoes wet!"

"Oh no!" Emma said with exaggerated shock. "Let's get changed."

Ed finally came back out having changed clothes himself, but Emma quickly sidestepped him and went into Noah's room. Ed gave her a funny look but shrugged and went to sort through the mail. His pocket vibrated and he dropped a few envelopes while trying to extract his phone.

"Dammit," he mumbled, finally lining his screen up to his face, unlocking the text.

It was Olivia.

_We've gotta problem here. Gonna be late_

Ed's face fell without realizing, and he was immediately grateful Olivia wasn't there to see his disappointment.

_You okay?_

_I'm fine. Will explain later, babe._

Ed smirked. Olivia Benson called him babe. He would never tire of it.

Sending a quick "love you," Ed dropped his phone, picked up the mail, and tossed it into recycling having decided it was all junk. As he began to search the fridge for dinner ideas, the kids wandered back in.

Three hours later the dishes were clean, Noah was bathed, had quickly FaceTimed his mother who seemed distracted, and was fast asleep in his race car bed. Ed and Emma were perched on opposite ends of the couch, each pretending to pay attention to the latest episode of Family Feud.

"This is not a family game," Ed grumbled, hearing yet another sexual innuendo from one of the contestants.

Emma chuckled. "I think it refers to the fact it's a family vs another family, dad."

"Still…"

Shrugging, Emma tossed her cellphone onto the coffee table and turned to look at her dad. She cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes, trying to decipher his mood. As usual, she couldn't.

"What's up," Ed finally said. He had been waiting for her to make the first move, but grew tired of being watched.

Emma sighed. "Well," she began, her voice significantly softer and more unsure. Noticing the change in tone, Ed tucked one leg under him and turned to face his daughter.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Emma responded quickly. She moved to undo her messy bun, then twist and retie it on top of her head. "I just…well, May 1 is coming up…"

"Right," Ed said, trying to figure out what she was referring to.

Emma realized he didn't know what she meant, so she gave him a few minutes to figure it out before finally helping him out. "College decisions are due by then."

"Oh," Ed said, shaking his head. He immediately felt guilty for not remembering that date. He should have. Emma had struggled her entire senior year in multiple ways, but the college process had been pure torture for her. It was clear from the start that the idea of college was overwhelming. After years of playing soccer, in hopes of earning a scholarship to play somewhere out west, her life was totally upended. Emma hadn't so much as touched a soccer ball since Suzanne's murder, let alone thought about the possibility of college.

"Emma, whatever you want to do, I'm gonna support you. One-hundred percent will support you."

"But I don't know what I want to do," she said after a few minutes. Ed could hear her voice tremble so he reached out to grab her hand. "I can barely get myself through senior year. The idea of college…of going somewhere else…"

Ed squeezed her hand tighter. He had no idea what to tell her, and began to wish Olivia were present. But she wasn't. He was on his own.

"Em, do you want to go away to college?"

"I…well, I'm supposed to, right?"

"There is no 'supposed to', sweetheart."

"No," she finally whispered, her eyes closed tightly, as if she were afraid of her father's reaction. "No. I don't want to go anywhere."

"Okay then," Ed said, matter-of-factly. "Well, that rules out a bunch of places."

Emma opened her eyes and stared at Ed, slack-jawed.

"I…" she stammered, shocked at how easily her father just went along with her desire. "Really? That's okay?"

"Sure," Ed shrugged. "You have your acceptance to NYU. Macauley at CUNY. You've got local options."

"But…" she began, biting her lip.

"And, it'll save a helluva lot of money," Ed continued, "because you can just live here."

Emma felt a thousand pounds lift off of her shoulders.

"Really?" She asked, her eyes wide. "I…I don't have to live in dorms?"

Ed's eyes narrowed and he studied his daughter closely. "Is that what this is about? You not wantin' to leave here?"

Emma shrugged.

"Sweetheart…" Ed sighed, rubbing his hand over his face before scooting down and pulling Emma into his side. "Your life…well, you've been through a lot," he began, not wanting to upset her but also wanting her to understand she had so many options. "You don't even have to start school in the fall if you don't want to. But you absolutely do not have to move out."

"But Nate…"

"Is different," Ed said. "He doesn't want to be here. And he's said as much. If and when Nate decides he wants to be back here, we will make it happen. You are not your brother."

"Yeah, no kidding," Emma grumbled, picking at the material of the dark green knitted throw covering her legs. "He's a freaking genius and I'm barely graduating…"

Ed kissed the side of her head before ducking to catch her eyes. "You're doing incredible, Em. I'm so proud of you."

Emma smiled, but didn't say anything.

"How about this," Ed suggested. "We know you'll be staying here. Reach out to your admissions counselors at the local schools and ask about full time and part time. Then we will go from there."

"That…sounds really good, dad."

Ed smirked, proud of himself for navigating that crisis on his own.

"Now, gimme the remote," Emma said. "I remember this family from another episode. They're boring…"

* * *

Olivia leaned back in her chair and stared at the ceiling. Fin and Munch were perched on the couch in her office.

"I just…I don't understand," Olivia finally murmured. She took her glasses off, rubbed her eyes, and reached down in her drawer for the bottle of bourbon she kept for nights like the one they were having. Fin noticed what she was grabbing and went to get three glasses from her credenza. He poured and distributed while Olivia moved to the chair, closer to the former partners. They clinked glasses and sipped away quietly for a few minutes. "I get following your dreams," Olivia finally said. "I do. But…at that cost?"

Munch shrugged. "We see it all the time, Liv, you know that. People have their eye on the prize, and will do whatever it takes. We all have, to some extent."

Fin and Olivia gave Munch questioning looks.

"I don't mean we all sold ourselves," he said with an eye roll. "But we have all looked the other way, or jumped through a hoop we shouldn't have, to be where we are."

"True," Olivia murmured. She downed the rest of her drink and buried her face in her hands. "I'm so tired."

"How's it going with Tucker," Munch asked, eyebrows raised. Fin grunted, smirked, then leaned back on the sofa awaiting the answer.

After shooting Fin a look, Olivia smiled at John. "It's good," she admitted softly. "Really good. Noah has a bigger room and a race car bed."

"Oh, well, that settles that," Fin quipped.

Chuckling, Olivia rubbed her eyebrow. "Otherwise, we are still getting into a routine. But, I have to admit it is nice to not have to worry about a sitter every time I work late."

"Lucy still around at all?" Fin finally sat up. It was the first time Olivia was really talking about the changes in her life over the last couple of months.

"She is," Olivia said. "She keeps him twice a week. Noah goes to daycare the other three. If we are late, often Emma can pick him up. But it's usually Ed or myself."

"That sounds…well…like a normal life," Munch said. "Never expected that from you…"

Olivia let out a loud chuckle and rolled her eyes. "Thanks…I think."

"No really," he said, leaning forward and looking Olivia in the eyes. "I'm happy for you, Liv."

Smiling, Olivia nodded her thanks and eyed Fin, who shrugged.

"Yeah, me too," he grumbled. All three shared a laugh and settled back in. "I've known you two knuckleheads a long time," he mused. "Only friends I got."

"Sucks for you," Munch said, elbowing his old partner.

"Who you tellin'?" Fin said. The three erupted into laughter again before the room grew quiet.

Olivia checked the time on her watch and slapped her legs. "Well, I should get going," she said, but paused, looking at the two men on her couch. She missed Munch fiercely, and the last few days had been a transport back to a time when the squad was her whole life. It was still a major part of her, but it was no longer everything she had. Still, she missed the camaraderie of the old crew and found herself growing sad that Munch's return was so temporary.

Gathering her stuff and throwing her bag over her shoulder, Olivia turned to face Fin and Munch. "How about you two come for dinner next week. I'll talk to Ed and find a good night."

"Dinner? At Tucker's?" Munch retorted. "Should I bring a lawyer?"

Olivia rolled her eyes and headed to the office door. "Stop being an ass, and don't trash my office. Goodnight!"

The remaining duo waited a few minutes, giving Olivia time to be fully out of earshot, before resuming their conversation.

"Weird," Munch said. "I mean, Liv seems happy. But Tucker?"

Fin grunted. "No kidding…" he mumbled, finishing his drink and sitting up. "But, he's surprisingly good for her. I've never seen her this…happy. Relaxed."

Munch nodded, turning his still half-full glass around in his hands. "Still," he said. "Keep lookin' out for her, okay partner?"

"Always," Fin said, his face firm and his eyes resolved. "I'm always gonna have her back."

* * *

It was well after one in the morning when Olivia finally crept into their dark apartment. She quietly toed off her boots, dropped her bag, left her keys on the entryway table, and made her way into the kitchen. She filled a clean glass with fresh water, gulped it down, then staggered towards the couch. She wasn't quite in the mood to go to the bedroom, so she was looking forward to zoning out to the TV.

"Hey Liv."

Olivia let out a shriek and jumped. Ed shot up from the couch, arms in front of him, face full of remorse.

"Jesus, Ed…" Olivia breathed, closing her eyes and steadying herself. "You scared me."

"It's just me," he whispered, moving towards her and taking her into his arms. He kissed the side of her head and held her tightly as they swayed back in forth. "I'm sorry baby."

Olivia didn't say anything, but allowed Ed to hold her for a few more minutes before puling back and kissing his lips.

"No," she said with a small smile. "I'm sorry. Figured you would be in bed."

"My plan was to wait up for ya," he said, but grinned sheepishly. "Guess I fell asleep."

Ed ushered her over to the couch and they fell back into the cushions, still entangled in each other's arms. Olivia rested her head on his shoulder and let out a deep sigh.

"That bad?" Ed lightly ran his fingers along Olivia's upper arm and peered down at her profile. Her eyes were closed. She seemed…content, yet still troubled.

Groaning, Olivia nestled further into Ed. "The thing is," she began, "it's no worse than any other case. I guess I'm just…well…tired."

Ed kissed at her head and tightened his hold. "Wanna talk about it?"

Olivia let out a groan. "No," she whispered. "Not really. Just…thank God for Dodds."

"Mini-Dodds? Or other Dodds?"

Chuckling, Olivia slapped Ed's stomach lightly. He never attempted to hide his dislike of Chief Dodds, but Olivia knew that he held Mike in high regards. "Mini…" Olivia said, her tone a bit teasing but still tired. "It's…nice to be able to trust the squad with him. To look at the time and actually feel like I can head home and that Dodds will either handle it, or call me back in."

"Trust…" Ed mumbled, his lips skimming Olivia's forehead. He rubbed them against her skin, back and forth, inhaling her scent and relishing her being in his arms. Olivia Benson didn't trust easily. But Ed knew that she trusted him, and he liked to think that because he proved worthy of her trust, it helped her trust Mike Dodds a bit more easily.

Neither of them said anything for a few minutes. The room was still dark, save for the screen saver now flipping through pictures on the mounted television. Eventually Olivia lifted her head and Ed met her for a kiss. He tucked her hair behind her ear, kissed her a few more times, then pressed his forehead against hers.

"Mmmmm," she said, eyes closed and lips curled into a smile. "I love coming home to you every night."

"Me too," Ed replied, smirking. The pride was evident on his face. Normally Olivia would rib him about it, but for the moment she basked in her new-found normalcy and stability. "Let's getcha to bed, baby. Come on."

Ed and Olivia ambled their way down the hallway, pausing briefly for Olivia to sneak in and kiss Noah on the forehead. They finally stumbled into the bedroom, Ed refusing to move his arms from around her waist.

"Ouch," Olivia said, after her shoulder hit the bathroom doorway. "_Ed_…"

"Sorry," he said, kissing at her shoulder but not sounding the least bit sorry. "I'll letcha get ready for bed…"

Olivia pulled from his arms and gave him a smile, heading into the bathroom to shower. Ed swapped his t-shirt and pajama pants for a fresh set of boxers and climbed into bed, fully intending on staying awake until Olivia was out of the shower.

Twenty minutes later, Olivia came padding out in shorts and a tank top, towel drying her hair, and had to chuckle. Ed was on top of the covers, on his back, hands behind his head, snoring away.

* * *

The one-six went straight from the modeling case to a reality show scandal and Olivia was exhausted. Every case always came with its complex and puzzling aspects, but given her total lack of understanding on reality shows, this case seemed to run Olivia into the ground. The only thing that made her not completely collapse at the end of the day was that she had Ed to help her with Noah. For years, Olivia would work long hours and go home to an empty apartment. With a desire for background noise, she would turn the television on but pay little attention, often drinking several glasses of wine before stumbling back to bed. Having Noah broke that cycle a little bit. Those nights came around less, but they still came around. She would drag herself home and feel that disappointment that her little boy was already snug in his bed, so she'd go back to her television and wine routine.

The comfort and stability that Ed brought into her life was unmatched. Gone were the days of arriving home and feeling alone in the world. Even on her most exhausted of days, Olivia arrived home to Ed, or if Ed was the one working late, she arrived home to Noah and Emma. It had taken her a while to realize Ed, and his kids, were a part of her life to stay, but now that she had, that deep and familiar feeling of loneliness was almost completely gone. So when Olivia finally returned home, mid-Saturday afternoon, after finishing up a mountain of paperwork on Lizzie Bauer and the Princes, seeing Emma curled up on the couch was a welcoming, albeit slightly puzzling sight.

"Hey Em," she said, ditching her shoes and moving to the kitchen sink to wash her hands. "Where's your dad and Noah?"

"They went to the playground," Emma said, following her answer with a yawn. "I was supposed to go but…Netflix…"

Olivia let out a laugh and rounded the bar to see what she was watching. "I don't recognize this? Please tell me it isn't some reality thing…"

Emma chuckled and shook her head. "Don't worry, Liv. I hate that stuff. It's The Babysitter's Club."

"Oh, those used to be books!"

Face lighting up, Emma sat up straighter and turned towards Olivia. "Yeah! I had them all. I still do…somewhere. Maybe in my closet? I used to be in 'the club' and would get books in the mail every so often. But I didn't know there was a Netflix series. Until today."

"I'm gonna change clothes," Olivia announced, gesturing to her work attire. "But then, mind if I join you?"

"Not at all!" Emma said, almost too eagerly. "Hungry? I need junk food."

"Oh, me too," Olivia said. "The boys can have their outdoor fun. We are going to lounge away the afternoon."

Olivia headed to the back of the apartment and Emma rummaged around the kitchen. She finally decided on throwing together a pot of queso dip when she realized they had the cheese, tomatoes, and green chiles to do so. Once that was on the stove, she made her way to wash her face in the bathroom and retie her hair on top of her head. Emma scrutinized her face a bit, poking around at the dark puffy circles under her eyes and dotting her few, barely noticeable spots of breakout with acne medicine. She jumped when she heard Olivia's voice.

"You okay?" She asked, leaning against the doorframe.

Emma smiled and nodded. "Yeah," she said, turning back to the mirror. "I just…my face looks awful…"

Olivia looked carefully. She took note of how tired the teenager looked, but couldn't tell what else she was talking about. "You're beautiful, Emma."

Scoffing, Emma grabbed for the towel, wiped down the counters, and went to drag Olivia down the hall. "Come on," she said, quickly changing the subject. "We are gonna start the show over from the beginning. You'll be hooked in no time."

Over an hour later, Emma and Olivia were curled up on the couch, empty bowls of chips and queso littering the coffee table, and the fourth episode beginning on the television. When they heard the keys jiggle in the lock, they barely moved.

"Hewwo?"

Noah's little voice echoed throughout the apartment, finally causing Olivia to sit up. Her smile grew as her little boy ran into her arms.

Olivia's face scrunched up slightly, but she kissed all over his face. "Hi sweet boy! You definitely smell like you've been on the playground."

"I side!" He said, sitting up with his eyes wide, as he narrated his adventure to his mother. "Ed catch me. Den I side again!"

Olivia ran her fingers through Noah's hair and looked up at Ed, who was smiling at the scene in front of him on the couch.

"We are a little dirty, aren't we bud?"

"Yep," Noah said, pulling his shirt out and pointing to a few mud stains. "I dirty, Mommy!"

Olivia groaned as she stood up. She didn't realize she had been still for so long. "We better get you in the bath, then mister!"

"No!" Noah shrieked, wiggling to get down. "Ed baff!"

Olivia let him run to Ed and grasp at his hands. Telling herself not to read too much into it, Olivia shrugged and smirked at Ed. "Well," she said with a teasing tone. "You did get him dirty…"

Ed chuckled and quickly moved to give Olivia a kiss. "I'll clean the young lad up, then he can come out and snuggle with his Mama."

Turning to head down the hall, Olivia patted him on the butt, muttered her thanks, and turned back to collapse on the couch with Emma. Ed stopped before heading down the hallway and admired the scene. As soon as Olivia sat down, Emma unconsciously had scooted closer to her. Olivia shifted so that Emma was able to comfortably lean against her and began to play with her hair, hitting play on the episode.

"What is this?" Ed's face was scrunched up as the opening credits rolled. Neither female looked up at him, but they answered simultaneously.

"The Babysitter's Club."

Ed rolled his eyes but managed a little laugh. "Of course," he said, good naturedly. "My credit card remembers those books very well."

Realizing his comment got no response from either Emma or Olivia, he shrugged and made his way down the hall to find Noah.

"Let's do bubbles, pal," he said, steering Noah back to the master bathroom where the tub was much larger. "The girls are busy. It'll be just us guys for a bit."

"Busy girls…" Noah muttered, flying his toy airplane around the room. "Issa Noah an' Ed baff-time!"

Ed chuckled as the tub filled with water. With all four of them home for the day, Ed was content. He made a mental note to call Nate later and check in, but for the moment, all was well.

* * *

_**Sorry for the long, long absence. This chapter took me forever to actually finish. Anyone still reading? Let me know! And if you are, let me know if there's anything you want to happen. Maybe it'll help keep me motivated...**_


	45. Chapter 45

_**I'm so happy you're all still here! **_

**Chapter 45**

"So, Joint Terrorism?" Ed asked as he and Olivia prepared dinner in the kitchen. Olivia was chopping up carrots and broccoli to roast while Ed was monitoring the chicken thighs simmering on the stove.

"Yep," Olivia sighed. "Apparently, Chief Dodds wanted him there."

"Mike didn't wanna go?"

Olivia shook her head. "Not from what I could tell. He told me he liked SVU, wanted to stay, but that his dad _doesn't take no for an answer_."

Ed grunted and shook his head. Olivia finished with the head of broccoli and arranged the pieces on a baking sheet.

"What?" She asked, noticing Ed's body language had stiffened.

"Nothin'," he said, shaking his head.

Olivia paused what she was doing and, after a quick glance into the living room to make sure Noah was occupied, she turned her focus back on Ed, rubbing his back. "Tell me," she said softly.

Ed put the tongs down and wiped his hands. Letting out another sigh he turned and leaned back on the counter top so he could look at his girlfriend.

"I just don't trust the guy," he said simply. "Mike is…he's good police. A good guy. He was great when Emma disappeared. You trust him. He's had your back…"

"He has," Olivia murmured.

"I guess, well, what else doesn't he take no for an answer to?"

"You mean the chief?"

"Yeah," Ed said with a shrug. "He's just…controlling. I don't like him."

Olivia bit her lip. She didn't disagree with Ed, but she also had to find a way to work with the older Dodds. He was, after all, her boss.

"I know," she finally said, moving towards him and placing a soft kiss on his lips. "I know you don't. I'm meeting Mike in the morning for coffee before work. Giving it one last go at convincing him to stay."

"Don't get into hot water," Ed cautioned.

"I won't," Olivia said. "It'll never get back to, what do you call him? Papa Dodds?"

Ed let out a laugh and pulled her into his chest, swaying them back and forth.

"Plus…with Carisi passing the bar, I just…well I feel like the squad is slipping from my grasp," she said, her voice semi muffled by Ed's chest. He still heard her.

"Sonny isn't goin' anywhere," Ed grunted. "That I know for sure."

"How?"

"Ah, he likes ya too much, Lieutenant," Ed teased. "Rollins too."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Don't remind me."

"Listen, just…be careful," Ed cautioned one more time. "You've got your hands full, or potentially full, with this Corrections Officer case."

"I'm fine, babe."

"Fine," Ed said, his fingers dancing around on the back of Olivia's neck. "Well, you'll definitely be fine later tonight…"

Olivia chuckled before pulling back from Ed's arms and raising an eyebrow.

"Not that I don't love this impromptu dance and chat, but…uh…the chicken?"

"_Shit_."

Olivia's laugh grew and she shook her head as she put the pan of vegetables in the oven. "Where's Emma? Should I give her a 20 minute notice?"

"I think Nate called," Ed said quietly. "She disappeared a while ago and hasn't resurfaced. Maybe give her a few more minutes, then go check?"

Olivia frowned at the mention of Nate. "Is Nate okay?"

"He is," Ed allowed. "He texts me every day. But, I don't think he talks to Emma much. So I was surprised when he FaceTimed earlier."

"Hopefully that's a good thing?"

Ed sighed. "I sure hope so…ya know, they were always close. Am I doing the right thing by letting Nate distance?"

"Ed, you can't control how your kids grieve and find ways to get their life back," Olivia said softly. "Its…hard…that this is how Nate is handling it. But I really believe he'll come back around."

Ed finally took the chicken off the burner after having semi-rescued it, tossed the oven mitts, and pulled Olivia back into his arms.

"And no matter what happens," Olivia continued, "I'll be right here with you."

* * *

Emma laid on her stomach, iPad propped up in front of her as she chatted with her older brother. It felt normal, almost, as if their relationship hadn't been strained in recent months. They bantered back and forth about the beginning of baseball season, how San Francisco was much warmer than New York that April, and Emma shared a few funny Noah moments from the last week. But their light-hearted conversation was about to take a turn, as Nate suddenly got the older brother look about him.

"Dad mentioned you may not go away for school?"

Shrugging, Emma picked at the pillow she was resting on and looked down. "Probably not," she said. "Waste of money if I have no idea what to do."

"Em…you need to figure it out."

"Why?" Emma's face scrunched up. She was expecting Nate to support her thoughts, but perhaps she should have known better.

"What happened to playing soccer back out here?"

"Um, hello, I haven't touched a soccer ball in almost a year," Emma retorted, growing frustrated. "Not that you've been paying any attention," she mumbled.

"I moved on," Nate said, his tone biting. "You should too. Dad and Olivia aren't going to want you there forever."

Emma's stomach clenched and she realized it was time to end the phone conversation. "Ya know," she said, sitting up and moving the iPad with her. "I thought maybe we were getting back on track, but maybe not. I've really, _really_ missed you these last months. I'm glad you're happy, Nate. I really am. But it's different for me, and you know it. You just don't wanna see it."

"Emma…" Nate said, a look of regret creeping onto his face.

Olivia's voice snuck into the background, as she knocked on Emma's door and called to her.

"Gotta go," Emma mumbled. She quickly ended the call and tossed the iPad to the side, running her fingers through her hair. Wiping under her eyes, Emma made quick work to rid her face of any sign of distress before telling Olivia she could come in.

"Dinner's almost ready," she said softly, leaning against the doorway and cocking her head slightly to the side. "How is Nate?"

"He's good," Emma responded, almost too cheerfully. "Bragging about how much warmer it is there…"

Olivia let out a nervous chuckle. She could see through Emma's front and couldn't decide if she should address it. Ultimately deciding it was best to wait, she went along with the conversation.

"Yeah, winter doesn't quite want to let go," she murmured. "But this weekend is supposed to be a bit warmer. Maybe we can get out some."

Emma smiled. "Sounds nice," she said, before rolling off the bed and standing up with a slight groan. "I'm gettin' old."

"Oh please," Olivia said as she rolled her eyes. She reached out and put her arm around Emma's shoulders and lead her out of the room. "Come on, let's see how much your dad was able to salvage the chicken"

"Oh god…"

* * *

Olivia was perched on the side of Fin's desk. The squad room was empty, save for the two old friends and a couple of unis puttering around. Rollins and Carisi had gone to interview a newly called-in victim and Olivia had sent Dodds on a coffee run, as she was running on fumes. The Grand Jury had returned indictments on Gary Munson and ever since, Olivia's body was tense and on high alert. Barba was refusing protection, Lisa Munson was still in denial, and Olivia was beginning to feel a sense of dread. All they had was the prisoners' words against Munson. Evidence clearly backed up the claims, but she knew the loyalty that was held within the prison system, and judging by how swiftly Barba's life had been threatened, she was anticipating a long and difficult road.

"Dad!"

Fin pushed his chair back and Olivia turned her head as Ken entered the squad room. He was walking fast, eyes wide, as he approached the duo.

"They charged him?"

Fin stood up and nodded. "They did, son," he said simply.

"Where's Charisse?"

"She's safe," Olivia said. "We have unis watching her."

Ken took a deep breath and shoved his hands in his pockets. Nothing was said for a few minutes. Fin eyed Olivia, and Olivia kept her eyes on Ken, trying to get a read on his reaction. Eventually the young man lifted his head and looked between Olivia and Fin.

"Thank you," he breathed. "Just…thank you."

Fin was taken aback, but Olivia wasn't. She let the words sink in and went to squeeze Ken's shoulders.

"This is our job," she said softly. "We get justice for victims. All victims."

"Not gonna be easy, is it?"

"No," Fin said, finally gathering his own thoughts. "Never is. But the CO piece…"

"Yeah," Ken sighed.

"Hey," Olivia said, wanting to change the subject a bit. "I hear congratulations are in order."

Ken's face broke into a smile and he nodded. "Yeah, we are excited." He pulled his phone and showed Olivia the ultrasound. The three of them chatted a bit more until Mike entered the squad room holding a tray of coffees.

"Ah, Ken right?" He asked, setting the tray down and reaching to shake his hand. "Mike Dodds. If I had known you were here, I coulda grabbed you something."

"Ah, nah man," Ken said, though touched by the gesture. He was beginning to feel like he truly belonged with Fin's squad. "I've got to run. But thanks. It's nice to meet you, Sergeant."

"Likewise," he said. Ken slapped Fin on the back and kissed Olivia on the cheek. "Keep me posted?"

"We will, son," Fin replied. "I'll walk ya out."

Olivia and Mike watched them leave, then she reached for her drink. "Ahhh, thank god," she murmured, sipping on her large-sized cappuccino. "This was necessary. Thanks for making the run."

"Of course, Lieutenant," he said, before shoving his hands in his pockets and looking down at his shoes.

"Somethin' you wanna tell me?" Olivia asked, accurately reading his body language.

Mike rubbed his forehead and finally looked up and into Olivia's eyes. "Yeah, look," he began. "I really appreciate our conversation this morning. And your…willingness…to call out exactly what I'm thinking and feeling about this transfer."

Nodding, Olivia gestured for them to move into her office. She gently closed the door and they both sat on her couch. Tucking one leg under her, Olivia rested her cheek on her fist and used her facial expression and body language to put Dodds at ease as he continued to talk.

"I want to stay," he admitted. "I really do. But…well, my dad keeps telling me I have to keep a political head about me."

Olivia snorted a bit, causing Mike to chuckle.

"Yeah, I know how you feel about that."

"As your dad not-so-gently put to me a while back, I don't have a political bone in my body," Olivia said with a small smile. "But, that doesn't mean having those political bones are necessarily a bad thing, Mike. It just means we are different people."

"Yeah," he sighed. "You are incredible at your job. And not having that…political mind…it's what makes you such a warrior for victims. It's why they eventually learn to trust you. It's why most perps fear you. And…it's what has made you an incredible teacher."

"Wow…"

"What I'm trying to say is…well…" Dodds stopped, struggling to find his next words. "I wish I was staying. I wish I was more like…you. But I made the decision to transfer to Joint-Terrorism, and I have to honor that. I have to steel myself and not look back."

She always had a deep respect for Mike Dodds. In fact, Olivia had grown not just to trust him but to really like working with him. He was a fantastic number two and picked up on working with victims relatively quickly. But after this conversation, her fondness of him strengthened even more.

"I understand," she said quietly, reaching out to pat Dodds on the shoulder. It was almost as if he needed a big sister pep talk. "You're a good cop…detective…sergeant. And you're going to be a great asset to your new unit. Sure, I'm sad to see you go. But I'm excited to see you grow. Don't forget about us back here at the one-six…"

"Never, Lieutenant," he said. "Never."

"Okay," Olivia said, slapping her legs and standing up. "Enough of this. I know you need to pack you stuff, but it looks like Fin has a call…can you help? I want to check in with Barba…"

"You bet," Mike said, standing up and heading out of the office. "Maybe I can soften him up to the idea of taken that exam…."

Olivia smirked as Dodds left her office and said something to Fin, causing him to laugh, as they made their way out of the squad room. Shaking her head, she fired off a text to Rafael, grabbed her blazer and bag, and headed out herself.

* * *

The old wooden door caused a jingle of bells as Olivia descended the few stairs and entered the darkened dive bar where Barba had suggested they meet. Her face scrunched up as she looked around. It wasn't dirty. In fact, she kind of liked it. Dark wooden hi-top tables scattered about, a few dart boards, and an old, mahogany bar in the back corner. Her eyes scanned quickly and she spotted Barba, who stuck out in his button down, loosened tie, and suspenders. He was already sipping on what she assumed was his go-to scotch. As she shed her blazer and slid onto the stool next to him, she requested a drink menu and made another scan of the joint.

"They are at the table by the window," Barba mumbled, his head gesturing towards the two officers who were assigned to tail him for the time being.

Olivia nodded to them, ordered a maple-flavored bourbon drink, and let out a sigh. "This fucking case…"

Barba just nodded, downed the rest of his drink, and signaled for another one.

"How are ya holding up?" Olivia asked, eyeing her friend and taking in his appearance. To the outsider, he was just as composed as he always was. Sharp eyes, straight posture, and a determination in his facial expression. But Olivia knew better, and she could see some underlying worry and fear swirling in his eyes.

"Ah," he said, knowing he could be completely honest with his friend. "I'm okay," he admitted. "A bit tired of the protective details, but if I'm honest, I am relieved they are around."

Olivia nodded. "I get it."

"If you repeat that, I'll deny."

Olivia laughed and lifted her glass to him. "Noted." She took a long sip, felt the burn of the bourbon, and closed her eyes. "I'll be glad when this one is over. I keep getting this…feeling."

Barba raised his eyebrows. Not only did he trust Olivia's gut, he had to admit he had a similar radar going off. "So do I," he said softly. "These COs…their union reps…it's almost like an unofficial gang."

"It really is," Olivia agreed. "They think they are above the law. And, don't get me wrong, they have such a tough gig…but…"

"It doesn't give them license to rape the inmates."

"No," Olivia said firmly, shaking her head. "It absolutely does not. And Munson…"

The pair fell quiet for a bit. "I can tell you're worried about Lisa," Barba said quietly.

"I am."

"Her dad…she's got support."

"That's the thing," Olivia said. "I don't think she does. We always…assume…that just because a victim has a relative, or friend, in a high-power position…or any position for that matter…it means they will be taken care of. And, I'm just not so sure that's the case here. How many times have we seen a victim be abandoned right when they need someone the most?"

Barba eyed his friend. Her face was twisted in worry, and as she looked over at him, he could tell that worry was split between Lisa Munson and himself. "You can't hold everyone's hand…"

"Maybe," she whispered. "I gave her my cell. I can hold hers if I need to."

Nodding, Barba finished off his second drink, and eyed Olivia's almost finished cocktail. "Want another?"

"One more," she said. Barba placed the order and Olivia took a closer look at her friend, her close friend. A friend she never wanted to lose. "I'll hold yours too," she finally said. "As long as it takes."

Barba blushed and gave her a grin, before ribbing her. "Ah, sure Tucker would be okay with that?"

Olivia let out a hearty laugh. "Oh, I think he knows you're a safe hand to hold, my friend." Their fresh drinks were delivered, and they did a quick toast.

"To ending this case, with everyone alive and intact."

"Yes, please," Olivia murmured, taking one more long drink and trying to quell the growing anxiety in her stomach. "Please…"

* * *

"So," Ed said, repositioning himself as Olivia crawled into bed. He propped his pillows against the headboard and leaned back, welcoming Olivia into his arms and allowing her to settle into his chest. He absent-mindedly played with her hair and fingers, occasionally kissing her head. "Tomorrow is Dodds' last day, huh…"

"Yeah," Olivia sighed. "He still wants to stay…"

Ed let out a grunt, but didn't say anything.

"Oh well," Olivia said. "Things change. He talked to Fin today. I'm just crossing my fingers he will register for the upcoming exam…"

"Ya don't want Rollins?"

"No," Olivia said, almost too quickly. She shook her head and let out a laugh. "I…didn't mean it quite that harshly. I just still don't trust her. It's building back. She's trying, but I still just…I worry that she will slip. Or do something…crazy."

Ed smirked and kissed across Olivia's forehead. "I wonder how many times Cragen wondered that about you…"

"Probably a lot," she mumbled, beginning to tickle Ed's side and hip. "I don't wanna talk about work anymore…"

"Oh yeah," Ed asked, mouth in a half smirk as he raised his eyebrows and looked down at Olivia. Her hair was fanned out across his chest and he could see her lips form a small smile as her fingers danced across his torso. "What did ya have in mind?"

"Something that requires little to no talking at all…"

Ed groaned and quickly rolled over, placing Olivia on on her back and crawling over her. "No talking, huh?" He placed soft kisses across her neck, taking his time to cover ever inch of skin with his lips. "Ya don't wanna talk at all?"

"Ed…" she moaned, tilting her head backwards, inviting him to keep kissing and sucking at her sensitive flesh.

"That's talking, Lieutenant," he teased.

Olivia laid still, allowing Ed to work her body into an erotic state. He slowly removed her lounge clothes, kicked off his boxers, and eventually settled between her legs, going right back to his first move…kissing and biting at her neck. As much as Olivia felt she could lay there forever and let him kiss her body, she wanted more. Grabbing his ears and pulling his lips to hers, she raised her eyebrow at him. "Stop being an ass, and make love to me."

"Yes ma'am."

Over an hour later, the couple collapsed back onto the bed. Olivia made an attempt to get up, but Ed looped his arm around her waist and pulled her back down onto his chest.

"_Oof._"

She made an exaggerated sound, causing Ed's chest to vibrate as he laughed. Sweaty limbs intertwined, the couple laid in silence for several minutes. Eventually Ed shifted, brushed Olivia's hair back, and kissed all over her face.

"I love you, Olivia Benson," he whispered. "I love you so much."

"Mmmmm," she responded, her eyes closing and she pulled him more tightly to her. "I love you, too.

"Ya okay?"

Olivia lazily lifted her head and looked into Ed's eyes, searching for a possible reason for his question.

"I'm fine," she said softly. "Why?"

"Fine…" Ed reached up and twisted her locks in his fingers. "You're not fine."

Letting out a sigh, Olivia rested her chin on his peck so she could still look at him. "Maybe not," she admitted. "But I'm with you. And…hopefully this mess with Munson will end soon. We can adjust to Dodds being gone. And maybe, just maybe, life can even out for a little bit."

"It will," Ed said matter-of-factly. "It may not even out as soon as we'd like, but eventually it will. And ya know what?"

Olivia fully sat up, pulling the cream colored sheet with her and holding it to her chest. "What?"

"Even if it doesn't…we still have each other."

Smiling, Olivia ducked her head down and kissed Ed's lips. "We sure do," she said. "Promise me we always will?"

"I promise," Ed said firmly. "Now…shower?"

"Sure," Olivia said, still not taking her eyes off of her boyfriend.

"Good," Ed said, standing and pulling her with him. "Cuz I've got plans for you in that shower…"

* * *

**_Let's see...what happens next? Review!_**


	46. Chapter 46

_**I made my own tweaks to the story arc...but you're used to that by now...**_

**Chapter 46**

The light fluttered through the blinds to Ed and Olivia's bedroom, as the couple lay entangled with each other in the middle of their bed. Ed's eyes began to open and he lazily smiled, pulling Olivia even closer. His fingers traced a pattern along her lower back in the small space between her soft cotton pajama bottoms and her white sleep tank. Not wanting to check the time, Ed decided to kiss around Olivia's ear, in hopes they had time for a morning tryst. He felt her body shudder against his as his breath hit her skin, causing goosebumps to form.

Olivia whimpered and didn't open her eyes, but she adjusted her body so Ed had more of her neck to work with. Emboldened by the move, Ed ran his hand down her side, caressing her hip, and down onto her thigh, pulling it over his.

"Mmmmmmm_, Ed_…"

Her voice was raspy, sleepy, but full of desire as Ed rolled her onto her back and captured her lips with his. He kissed her slowly, tenderly, refusing to break for air until it was absolutely necessary. When he finally broke their kiss, he lifted his head slightly and brushed her hair back, admiring her sleepy smile. His eyes traced over every freckle adorning her face as he smiled back at her.

"Good morning," he whispered, kissing her nose and pulling back once more.

"Morning. What time is it?"

"I have no idea," replied Ed, immediately returning to kissing her ear, not wanting her to check. "Neither of our alarms have gone off," he said simply, between each kiss and lick. "More time for this…"

His hips ground into hers and Olivia took in a sharp, approving breath. "Yes," she moaned. "Hurry…before we are interrupted…"

Ed needed no further comment. He quickly shimmied out of his boxers, and pulled Olivia's shorts down. She tossed her tank top, fell back onto the pillows, and sighed as Ed's lips once again his her skin. They were sweaty, panting, but feeling nothing but pleasure as they made love in the early morning hours.

Unfortunately, there wasn't much time for afterglow. Seconds after Ed groaned, relaxed, and eventually rolled off of Olivia, her alarm began to glare. The couple chuckled to themselves as she reached over, turned off the alarm, and moved to kiss Ed on the lips, her hair falling around her face and tickling his.

"I love you," Ed whispered, tucking her hair behind her ear and giving her one last kiss. "Go shower. I'll start the coffee."

"What time do you have to go in?" Olivia rummaged around in her designated drawers in Ed's oversized dresser, pulled out clean panties, and held them in her hands as she turned and waited for her answer.

"Silk, huh?"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "You're insatiable," she said, with a playful scoff.

"I should be there by nine," he said, stretching out back in the bed, eyes never leaving Olivia. "So you shower first."

She padded into the bathroom, letting out a sigh. "I don't want to face today," she mumbled.

Ed frowned, stood up, and headed to the door. "I'll make it an extra strong brew…"

Standing over the counter, Ed watched each drip fall into the coffee pot. He was in a daze, and he wished it was a post-coital daze. Instead, it was a growing pit in his stomach that was causing him to feel this out of it. Before he could plummet into worst-case scenarios, footsteps startled him out of his trance.

"Sorry," Emma said, rubbing her eyes and walking into the kitchen, not appearing the least bit sorry. She yawned and grabbed a mug, moving to stand right next to Ed. Both Tuckers remained silent, watching the coffee brew for several minutes.

"Sleep okay?"

"Sure," Emma said.

"What time ya gotta be at school?"

"Ummm, it's…Thursday? I don't have a first period. So I just need to be there by 9:15am for morning meeting." It had taken Emma a little while to adjust to the fact the most New York City private schools had open campuses, meaning when she didn't have class, she didn't have to be in the building. At first it felt wrong. Emma would find herself in the library or, at the very least, a nearby cafe. But as the year progressed, she got used to it and appreciated the freedom to be at home more often. She was sure the school was hopeful the kids would use it for study sessions, meetings with teachers or counselors, or perhaps mentoring the younger kids, but Emma still hadn't made many connections so she spent most of her free periods at home or at her favorite coffee shop.

"Thursday is your light day, right?"

"Yep," she said. "I'm done at two. I was thinking…maybe I could get Noah early?"

Ed shrugged. "Fine with me. Just check with Liv," he said, still not quite at the point where he was willing to give full permission for anything with Noah. Though they had been living together for a few months, they were still working on the boundaries and comfortability with sharing responsibilities regarding both kids.

"Check with me about what?" Olivia came around the corner and plopped onto a barstool. Her hair fell in wet waves around her shoulders, and she was dressed in sweat pants and a fresh tank top. Ed raised his eyebrows.

"Is it go to work in pajamas day?" He teased, grabbing another coffee cup. The coffee pot beeped and he filled all three mugs. Emma grabbed the almond milk, fixed up hers and Olivia's, and took the stool next to hers, leaving Ed standing in the kitchen as they all sipped their drinks and looked at each other.

"No," she sighed. "I'm just…well, stalling."

Emma nudged Olivia and gave her a smirk identical to Ed's. "I'm rubbing off on ya, I see."

The three shared a laugh and Olivia put her mug down and wrapped an arm around Emma's shoulders. "I guess you are," she said, eyeing the clock on the stove. "I'm surprised Noah is still asleep."

Ed checked the time as well and put his mug on the counter. "I'll go rouse him," he offered. "You two..caffeinate and decide if you're going to get dressed or not."

Olivia laughed and Emma rolled her eyes as Ed strolled down the hallway. They both overheard his soft "Mornin' pal" and a smile spread across Olivia's face.

"Hey, Liv?"

Olivia blinked a few times and turned to the young girl. She studied her features. Emma's turquoise blue eyes continued to lack the sparkle Olivia remembered from when they first met and she seemed to have permanent dark circles under them. _Much too young for that _Olivia mused before shaking herself out of her thoughts.

"What's up?"

"I get out of school around 2. Would it be okay if I picked Noah up early? It's supposed to be nice. We could hang out until you and dad get home."

Smiling, Olivia reached out and brushed the light brown strands of hair that wasn't up in a messy bun out of Emma's hair out of her face. "Of course," she said sweetly. "He'd love that."

"Awesome," Emma responded, blowing on her coffee and taking another sip. "Dad said today is Sergeant Dodds' last day?"

"It is."

"I liked him," Emma murmured. "He was so nice. Gracious when I…ya know. He didn't have to be. I was really stupid."

Olivia squinted at Emma. She hadn't once brought up with her the night she wandered out into the snow for hours upon hours. And she definitely never gave any clue as to what Dodds had spoken to her about. Correctly assuming their limited morning coffee chat was not the best time to press her for more information, she kept it more lighthearted and on topic.

"He's a good guy," Olivia confirmed. "But, things change. He'll be missed, but is moving up in the world."

"Mommy!"

Noah came sprinting around the kitchen bar and into Olivia's legs.

"Good morning, sweet boy," she cooed, cuddling him close and kissing his face. "You slept late!"

"Mommy jammies," Noah announced, tugging on Olivia's shirt. She rolled her eyes and laughed.

"Okay, okay," she said. "Point taken. I'll go get ready for work."

* * *

Ed strolled off of the elevator, two coffees in his hand, and made his way through the curvy, white and gray hallways of his office's floor. It was sterile and, up until a few months ago, Ed liked it that way. It was easier to arrive and do his job if the walls and decor held no emotional attachment, no feelings of warmth. Tasked with being the "bad guy" ninety-five percent of the time with the NYPD, Ed had to harden himself. He had to tell himself that people were, inherently, deceptive. They lied. They weren't to be trusted. Between that and the bare, white, and dull office interior, IAB was a place the people feared. But it had also become a place in which Ed felt stuck.

Ever since meeting Olivia and letting himself love her…trust her…showing up to work and having to turn back into that steely Captain Ed Tucker, who was arguably one of the least-liked members of the NYPD, was difficult at best. He began to show signs of compassion during interrogations, pictures of his kids, even two including Olivia and Noah, had popped up on his desk and shelves in his office. He found that outer shell cracking, and although he maintained his typical gruff, hard exterior, Ed was beginning to find it exhausting to keep up. Exhausting enough to the point that he had begun to mull over a transfer, he just wasn't sure where.

Ed dropped a coffee on front of Draper, who was waiting for his return in one of Ed's office chairs, and went to sit behind his desk. The two men sipped the coffee and Ed leaned back, eyes closed.

"What's on your mind, Tucker?"

Having yet to mention his thoughts to Olivia, Ed felt almost deceptive discoing to Cole his thoughts about putting in for a transfer. But he needed advice, and he trusted his partner.

"Ever wonder how much longer we can do this?" Ed sat up straight, took another sip of his coffee, and loosened his tie a bit. "I mean, we spend all day assuming the worst in people. Not just people - in _our_ people. And for what?"

Cole eyed his partner. "To maintain the integrity of the NYPD," he said slowly. But Ed's face made it obvious that wasn't what he wanted to hear.

"I suppose," he said, playing with one of his IAB engraved pens. Ed's desk was meticulous. There was no clutter, and very few things on his desk that wasn't labeled with either the IAB or the general NYPD logo.

"Benson is changin' ya, man," Draper teased, giving Ed a half smirk.

Ed returned his smirk with a glare.

"Not sayin' it's a bad thing, calm down partner," Cole said, one hand in the air in surrender. "Thought about shakin' it up a little?"

"Yeah," Ed said simply, with a slight shrug and eye raise. "Yeah I have."

Cole was about to say something when Tucker's phone went off. He pulled it from his belt hook and answered without taking in who was calling.

"Tucker."

His eyebrows raised as he listened to one of the higher-ups at One-PP explain the developing situation at the home of Gary and Lisa Munson. Cole noticed the color drain from his face, but then return as he let out a sigh of relief.

"Alright. Understood. Yessir."

Another pause. Ed rubbed his forehead as he took in a few more bits of information, then nodded as if the caller could see his reaction.

"Copy that," he said. "We'll be ready when needed."

Ed ended the call and tossed his phone on the desk. He let out a sigh and vigorously rubbed both hands over his face.

"What's up?" Cole asked.

"Ah, well, we've got an officer-involved hostage situation up in the Bronx," he said, twisting his lips as he debated what his next move would be.

"What's the read?"

"It's Sergeant Mike Dodds…"

Realization came over Cole's face. "Shit."

"Yeah," Ed sighed. "Liv was there, but not in the house. Place is surrounded."

"I imagine they'll need us once this resolves," Cole said, "Or me…can't imagine they'll have you involved."

"Nah," he said. "But I'll need to be there for the Lieutenant…no matter the outcome."

The partners sat in silence for a few minutes. Ed took another sip of coffee, but realized he had no desire for anything. He made a face and tossed the cup into the trash.

"Dammit," he said. "Just…dammit."

* * *

Outwardly, Olivia Benson was holding it together. She ran down the list of calls Chief Dodds needed to make, and despite her continued offers, he insisted on making the calls himself. She stayed close as he spoke, wanting to be with him when the doctors came out with more updates. She could see that the man was in survival mode. His eyes were wide, he was overly gracious and talkative, but his hands shook. He was terrified, as was Olivia, but she had to squash her feelings for now. The horror, the guilt, the devastation could come later. For now, she had to be the Chief's rock.

Carisi and Rollins returned from the blood donation bay and immediately asked for an update.

"We don't know much yet," Dodds reported. His voice was steady and confident. "But, he's a fighter.

"He is," Carisi said, taking in the blood-soaked clothes of William Dodds. "Listen, Chief, how about I buy ya something to drink down the hall?"

He paused and seemingly zoned out, but shook himself out of it and surprised them all by accepting the offer. "Ya know, that sounds good."

The men exited the waiting room, leaving Benson and Rollins on their own, with a few other officers milling about as they awaited word on the Sergeant's condition.

"You alright, Lieutenant?"

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Want me to call Tucker?"

"I, uh, I just texted him. He's on his way…"

"Good," Amanda said. "Good. Come on, let's sit down for a bit. I'll getcha some water."

"I'm fine, Amanda," Olivia said, but didn't resist Amanda's leading.

"I know ya are," the blonde replied. "I know ya are."

She settled on the little sofa and Olivia smiled her thanks when Amanda returned with two bottles of water. "Thanks, Amanda," she said softly. The two of them had a rocky relationship, but no matter how tense it would get, both women would rally for the other. Their trust in each other was slowly building back, but Olivia was still incredibly hesitant when it came to Amanda's judgement as a detective. But as a friend, and a human being, Olivia had a deep appreciation for her and she knew that feeling was reciprocated.

"I never should've taken Lisa's word for it on the guns…" Olivia shook her head and covered her face with her hands.

Rollins bit her lip and eyed the Lieutenant. She could see her body shaking when they first arrived on the scene in the Bronx, and looking more closely now, her torso and chest still shook lightly. "I woulda done the same thing," she said softly. "There was no way for you to know what was gonna happen…"

"Still," Olivia whispered. "I'm the Commanding Officer…I should know better. I walked Dodds right into it…"

"Oh, Liv…"

Before Amanda could say anything else, Ed Tucker came rushing in from the hallway, making a beeline for Olivia. She jumped from the couch and met him in the middle of the room. Stopping short of crushing her into his chest, Ed gripped her hands tightly and pressed their foreheads together.

"I got here as soon as I could," he rasped, eyes closed as he reminded himself that she was okay and unharmed. "How is he?"

"Gut shot," Olivia said, her voice beginning to waver slightly. "He's still in surgery…"

Ed did a quick scan of the room and decided to lead Olivia out into the hallway, away from prying eyes of random officers. Once they got out there, Ed ran his hands up and down her arms firmly, ducking his head to make eye contact. "And how are _you_?"

Olivia shook her head and closed her eyes briefly, biting her bottom lip before responded. "I was walking…Munson's kids out to the car, and I left Dodds in there…I had a feeling…"

"Whoa whoa," Ed said quickly, squeezing her hands and finally forcing her to look up into his eyes. He refused to let her blame herself. Absolutely refused. "There are a thousand ways this coulda gone. It is _not_ your fault, Liv. It's not."

Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head a bit. Ed noticed a rogue tear make its way down her cheek. He quickly swiped it away with his thumb and gently pulled her to him, kissing her forehead and holding her briefly, but tightly.

"I just…he has to be okay," she whispered, pulling back and straightening her shoulders in an attempt to turn back into the tough-as-nails Lieutenant Benson she needed to be in that moment.

"He will be," Ed said. "Come on, let's go back in and sit down."

* * *

Evening had settled in and the entire SVU unit, along with many other NYPD members, was still camped out at Lincoln Hospital. Dodds was still in surgery, and updates were few and far between, but the outlook still seemed bleak. Ed had finally gotten Olivia to eat a little something. After a phone call to Emma and Noah, letting them know they were all okay but may be a while, Ed felt a little bit of tension leave his girlfriend's body and she succumbed to a light sleep against his shoulder in the waiting room. He scrolled through his emails on his phone, taking extra care not to move and disturb Olivia. She was exhausted and still beating herself up. Ed wanted to make sure she could rest as long as possible, as he had a feeling their rollercoaster of a day wasn't quite over.

Unfortunately that wasn't in the cards. It wasn't fifteen minutes before Carisi and Rollins came in, pausing as they took in the scene. Ed could tell he was going to have to wake up Olivia. He took a deep breath and gazed down at her profile. Smiling slightly, he reached out and stroked her hair.

"Liv," he whispered, kissing her forehead and rousing her from her much too brief nap. Deciding he didn't care that Rollins and Carisi were watching them, he kissed at her face a bit more and she finally mumbled and sat up, rubbing her eyes and stretching.

"Sorry," she whispered. "What's going on?"

Ed nodded towards her two detectives, and they took that as an invitation to come over, perching on the coffee table so the four of them were face to face.

"We got more information on the threats against Barba," Rollins said, filling her in. She spoke more slowly than usual, as she could tell Olivia was taking longer than usual to process.

"Sorry," Olivia said softly. "Can you say all of that one more time? I didn't quite…"

"Hey, it's okay," Carisi said quickly. "We can just handle it if you'd prefer."

"No," she responded quickly. "I want…I need to know. I think I also just need more coffee."

Ed began to get up to fulfill the request, but she squeezed his hand and shook her head. "I'll sip on what we have here for now," she said softly, hinting at the fact she didn't want him to leave her. "Okay, so…"

The foursome tossed around a few strategies, Rollins and Carisi accepting Ed's comments easily, almost as if they had worked together all along.

"I should call him," Olivia said. "He's such a good friend and I've just…ignored him…"

"Hey," Carisi said, his tone more firm than usual. "He understands. In fact, he's gonna be upset we even clued you in…"

"Well, he'll live," Olivia quipped with a small smirk, picturing her ADA friend's stubborn glare when he found out they strategized in the waiting room where Mike Dodds was fighting for his life. She had taken a breath and was about to offer up an idea, when Chief Dodds came back into the room. He was still in his blood soaked clothes, despite numerous people offering to bring him something to change into. He ignored each offer, changing the subject every time.

Olivia sprang to her feet and went over, leaving Ed, Amanda, and Sonny standing, but in the same place as they were.

"Any update?"

"Not yet," he said. They made their way over to the coffee machine, and Ed walked over to join them.

"Thanks for handling Alice's transportation, Ed," the Chief said. Olivia bit back a smile at Chief referring to Ed as Ed, and not by his title. She could feel everyone's support and need for each other deeply, despite differences in the past and the obvious tension they could also be harboring.

"Of course," Ed replied. "Anything else you need, it's yours."

"Ya know," Dodds began, before Mike's surgeon came in and caused him to sharply turn around.

"Mike's resting comfortably in recovery," he announced. "It was touch and go there for a while, and he's not quite out of the woods, but you're right. Your son's a fighter."

Olivia felt relief take over her body and her entire stance changed as she let out a breath. Ed immediately reached out and gripped her waist to steady her, before moving to rub her back as they watched Chief Dodds take off after the doctor to see his son.

"Okay," Olivia whispered, eyes closed as she allowed her body to fall against Ed's. "Okay. It's…okay."

After a few minutes, Ed lead Olivia back to the sofa and said a few words to Carisi.

"Listen, I'm gonna go outside and check in with Emma, maybe grab us some decent coffee," he announced, patting his pockets to make sure his wallet was there. "What's everyone's order?"

Playfully rolling his eyes at all three complicated coffee orders, he winked at Olivia and strode off, leaving the trio chuckling.

"Ed Tucker, huh," Carisi began. "He's a good man, Lieutenant."

"He really is," Olivia murmured, a dreamy look coming over her face. But it didn't last long. There was work to be done.

"Okay, so here's what we should do with the Rafael situation…"

* * *

**_I sense a few twists and turns on the horizon...better leave a review._**


	47. Chapter 47

_**Sorry for the inevitable typos, I didn't proof...**_

**Chapter 47**

"But Olivia is okay?"

"She is just fine," Ed assured Emma. He finally snuck away from the waiting room full of NYPD and took a walk over to a nearby park to call his daughter. They had kept in touch throughout the day and evening, but only in short conversations or texts. Ed could tell she was holding together well, but he wanted to get a good read on the situation at home and see if he needed to call in some reinforcements, not because he didn't trust Emma but because he wanted her to have some breathing room if she needed it. It was not lost on Ed, or Olivia, that this would once again send pangs of terror and fear through Ed's children, particularly Emma, but Ed knew Olivia didn't have the bandwidth to deal with it just yet. Instead, he would check in regularly with Emma, keep his voice calm and even, and see where that lead them.

"Okay," Emma responded. Ed could hear her moving around in the background. "Noah and I are gonna get into pajamas and watch a movie on the couch, aren't we buddy?"

Ed smiled. Emma must have put the phone on speaker, because he clearly heard Noah babble to him about his evening plans. He vaguely made out a movie title and a request for M&M's, followed by Emma shushing him and Noah giggling. Ed's smile grew.

"Well, you two have fun," Ed finally responded. "But call or text if you need me."

"When will you and Olivia be home?"

Emma's question was innocent, but Ed could detect the yearning in her tone. She wanted to see them both, alive and unharmed, as soon as possible. But Ed knew that Mike wasn't out of the woods, and that it was unlikely Olivia would leave the hospital until he was more stable.

"I'm not sure, Em," he answered honestly. "Olivia may be here a while. But I'll try to run home in a few hours to see ya. Shower. Maybe grab Olivia more comfortable clothes if she still refuses to leave…"

"Okay," Emma responded softly. "Well, we're just fine here. Outside of eating things we aren't supposed to, Noah and I are all good."

"Good."

"Just…keep me posted?"

"Of course, sweetheart."

"Okay, love you."

"Love you too, Em."

Ed ended the call and let his phone drop onto the bench next to him. He took a few minutes to stare at the ground and take deep breaths, steadying his own emotions before standing up and walking with purpose back towards the hospital.

* * *

Chief Dodds wandered back into the waiting area, quickly scanning the faces for someone in particular. Finally landing his eyes on Olivia, he walked towards her with purpose. She was gazing out the window, seemingly lost in thought, as she cradled an hours old cup of coffee with both hands.

"Lieutenant," he said, his voice a bit louder and more harsh than necessary. It caused Olivia to let out a yelp and jump, coffee splashing off the sides of the cup.

"Dammit," she hissed, gratefully accepting the napkin a nearby officer handed her. She set her cup on the windowsill and wiped down, all while Dodds just looked at her impatiently, waiting to gain her attention. "Sorry Chief," she said softly, finally looking at him. "I was…"

"Mike's asking for you," he said, getting right down to business. It was clear he wasn't up for any small talk. "He's still in an ICU recovery bay, but the doctor said you could come on back."

Olivia nodded and looked around, hoping to see Ed's face, but he wasn't back yet. Instead, she caught Fin's eyes and quietly mentioned where she was going. Fin nodded, squeezed her shoulder, and assured her that he would let Tucker know as soon as he got back. She nodded and gave him a small smile before following Chief Dodds, who once again appeared impatient as he waited for her. Fin's eyes followed his friend as she made her way down the white, sterile hallway, before turning around and discarding her coffee.

"That…was something," Rollins muttered, coming up behind Fin. "Guess some things never change…"

Fin grunted.

"He just orders her around," Rollins said. "I hate it."

"Me too," Fin said shortly. "Giving the guy a break right now, because this is a shitty situation, but…he better watch himself around Liv. She's beating herself up enough as it is."

Rollins studied Fin. "Ya think?"

"Oh, I know," Fin said, his eyes wide as he looked back at Amanda. "I've known Liv a long time. I know how her head works. That woman is beating herself up big time. And I swear if that pompous asshole adds to her guilt…"

"Fin…"

"Right," he said, shaking his head and reeling in his words. "Right. I can't call him a pompous asshole right now…"

Rollins just let out a laugh. "Maybe later," she said playfully, ribbing Fin before snapping back up to attention as Ed Tucker came striding back into the room.

"Where's Liv?" His eyes darted around the room, looking for his girlfriend, but Fin reached out and quickly patted his shoulder.

"She went back to see Mike," he said. "Chief came out and got her."

"Everything okay?" Ed's eyes were laser focused, wanting a read on the situation so he could try and anticipate Olivia's headspace.

"Not sure," Fin said softly. "We just know he's awake and was asking for her. Other than that, no change. Including Papa Dodds being an ass…"

"Fin…" Rollins warned, not wanting the IAB Captain to also get worked up. But Tucker just grunted.

"Sounds about right," he grumbled. "He just better watch himself around Liv right now…"

"My words exactly."

Rollins rolled her eyes and wandered off, leaving the protective men to mutter amongst themselves.

"Did he say anything to her?" Ed ran his hand over his face, trying to hide his worry. They'd been at the hospital for almost ten hours at this point. Obviously emotions were running high, and they were now reaching the point of exhaustion. Ed was worried. Mainly about Olivia and how she was feeling, but about how the situation could take a nose dive with one wrong word or step, particularly with Chief Dodds.

"I couldn't hear anything," Fin said, letting out a sigh. "She was out of it when he came in, and he didn't seem too…pleased…that she needed a few seconds to gather herself."

"Of course," he said under his breath. "Well, hopefully Mike is taking a positive turn and maybe I can get her out of here for a little bit…"

"Hey, Tucker?" Fin's voice was tentative, almost as if he wasn't sure if he should follow through with his plan. But Ed's head snapped up and he looked at him curiously, so Fin bit the bullet. "You know we have Liv's back, too, right? I'll go to the mat for that woman…"

Ed smiled and uncharacteristically squeezed Fin's shoulder in both thanks and support. "I know ya will," he said. "And so does she."

"Good," Fin replied.

"Ya know," Ed continued, to Fin's surprise. He assumed he would say his piece and then they'd move on, but he was wrong. "You've…you've been the one person who has been there for Liv…had her back…since, well, since almost day one."

"Damn straight," Fin said firmly. "Damn straight."

Ed nodded, knowing nothing else needed to be said between the two men. They may never become best friends, but they now shared a strong and mutual respect for each other. Olivia Benson was everything to Ed, and was nearly everything to Fin. Despite years of differences and harbored tensions, the commonalities that Fin and Ed now shared were stronger than anything negative of their past. And in that moment, the two of them made a silent pact to make sure Olivia got through this latest trauma as unscathed, and as supported, as possible.

* * *

"Hey Lieutenant." A small smile grew on the face of Mike Dodds as he lay hooked up to a dozen or so wires, and uncomfortably shifted himself as Olivia came into the recovery bay.

"Hey Mike," she said softly, moving towards him, standing on the opposite side from where his fiancé, Alice, was perched. "Don't..don't move. Just rest…"

"Lisa…Munson," he ground out. "She's…she's alright?"

"She is," Olivia said, looking over to the chief, wondering how much he had already told his son. "She's with her kids, at her dads' house."

"Gary?"

"In custody," Olivia said firmly. "Probably not going to see the light of day again."

"Good," Dodds said, allowing his body to relax back into the bed now that he knew, for the moment, the Munson situation was put to rest.

"You don't worry about that right now," Olivia said softly, reaching down and grasping Mike's hand. "Focus on your recovery. Breathing. Getting yourself better."

"Liv…"

Olivia leaned down, as Mike's voice was barely audible, but he was clearly trying to say something. His hand gripped hers as tightly as he could given the limited amount of strength he had. Once Olivia's face was a bit closer, Mike forced his eyes open to meet hers.

"This…is not….your fault," he said, breathing hard between each word.

Olivia swallowed hard, as she could feel the eyes of Chief Dodds drilling a hole through her face. But she kept her focus on his son, on her Sergeant, on the one who mattered in this situation.

"We did our jobs," he said. "I'm gonna…be fine. Don't…don't blame yourself." His voice began to taper off and his eyes fluttered closed Maybe it was the drugs. Maybe it was the near-death experience. Or maybe it was a combination of both that allowed him to utter his next phrase. "And don't let anyone else blame you either…"

Mike's grip on Olivia's hand loosened and she felt an intense panic for a split second, her eyes darting to the monitors before realizing he had just fallen asleep. He was still alive and fighting. After a few seconds, Olivia straightened back up and adjusted her jacket. She gave Mike's arm one last squeeze and backed away, smiling and nodding at Alice.

"You'll," she began, letting out a couch to mask the shaking in her voice. "You'll let us know if you need anything, okay?"

Alice nodded and smiled warmly at the Lieutenant. "Mike spoke…_speaks_, very highly of you," she said softly.

"Likewise. I was hoping we'd meet at the wedding," Olivia responded. "Not like this…"

Alice's warm smile turned to a sad smile as she looked back at Mike. His face was a grey color as he slept, but his vitals remained strong. "Me too," she said. "But…Mike's a fighter. He'll be just fine."

Olivia nodded, took one last look at her detective, and then left the room. She avoided making any eye contact with the Chief as she left, hoping he would leave her be. As Mike muttered to her not to let anyone else blame her for what happened, she knew he was referring to his father, and she could feel his glare. Olivia knew that eventually she would have to face Chief Dodds and take responsibility, once again, for not searching the house for weapons. But she wasn't sure she had the willpower to do so in that moment. As she made her hasty exit, she said a little prayer that the chief would also listen to his son and give it some time before he confronted her.

But her prayer was not answered. Olivia had barely made it out of the main ICU area and into the hallway when Chief Dodds came up behind her, all but cornering her against the wall.

"My son may not blame you," he said, looking straight into her eyes. "No one else in the world may blame you. But I do."

Olivia swallowed hard. Her mouth went dry and her knees felt weak. She couldn't think of one single thing to say, so she just stood there and let the chief speak to her.

"You knew better," he ground out. "All your years on this job, you knew better than to believe the wife about the weapons. Mike didn't. You," he said pointing directly at her, his voice elevating. "_You_ did."

"Chief," she began, not even recognizing her own voice. All she could hear was a dull ringing sound, along with the Chief's stern, angry voice as he berated her. But she began to lose focus on what he was saying. The room began to spin and she felt the walls closing in around her. Suddenly, another voice interrupted the mix.

"Hey," Ed said, rushing down the hallway. He could see the Chief pointing at Olivia, clearly unhappy with her, but Ed's focus was on his girlfriend, who had suddenly slumped against the wall. He could see that she was losing her grip, and he needed to get to her fast. "HEY!" He finally yelled, snapping Dodds out of his rant. The Chief appeared startled and his eyes widened as he realized what was going on.

"I, uh," Dodds backed up, rubbing his face.

Ed finally reached Olivia and wrapped his arm around her waist firmly. "Liv," he whispered, his face pressing against the side of hers. "Liv, you okay?"

She didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry," Dodds whispered, shaking his head. "I…I don't know…"

Ed looked back over at the man, ready to let him have it, but all he saw was fear and sorrow on his face. "Just…can ya give us a minute?"

Dodds nodded and went back into the ICU bay, leaving Ed alone with Olivia who still appeared to be in a daze. She made no attempts to move from Ed's grasp, and when he turned back to her, she sunk further into his body.

"Ed…" she whispered, shaking her head and pushing back the tears.

"I'm right here," he said, turning her around and pulling him into his chest. He kissed the top of her head and rocked them back and forth. "I'm right here, baby. You're okay."

"I…" she began, knowing she could not crumble into Ed the way she so desperately wanted to in that moment. Despite her fuzziness, she was still aware enough to know they were in the hospital and well within the prying eyes and ears of fellow NYPD officers and personnel. "Can we get some air?"

Ed nodded and kissed her forehead again. "Come on," he said. "Let's take a little walk." He quickly led her out of the hospital, having caught Fin's eyes as her rushed Olivia by the waiting room. Able to communicate the situation with mere glances, Fin just nodded and turned back to his conversation with Rollins.

A few minutes later, Ed and Olivia were perched on a bench across the street from the hospital. Ed didn't want to go into the park since the sun had set an hour or so before, but he found a bench under a street lamp for them to sit away from the bustling NYPD. The hospital was still in view, but Olivia didn't even notice. She collapsed onto the bench and immediately put her head in her hands, shoulders heaving as she fought back impending sobs.

"Liv…"

She shook her head. "No," she said. "I…you can't make this better," she said, voice full of tears. "This is my fault."

Ed's heart cracked. "No," he said firmly, refusing to let her blame herself. "No it's not."

Olivia sat up and wiped her nose with her sleeve, taking some deep breaths to pull herself together. "We didn't search the house…"

"Lisa told you there were absolutely no other weapons."

"I know better."

"Don't do that," Ed said, reaching out and gripping Olivia's hands with both of his. "Look at me."

He waited patiently for Olivia to meet his eyes before he continued. "This is Gary Munson's fault. Not yours. The Chief…he's scared and he's in pain. That's no excuse for him cornering you like that, but deep down he knows he didn't mean what he said. It's not. your. fault."

Olivia didn't say anything, but her eyes were pleading with Ed. He cupped her face and kissed her lips, softly at first before deepening the kiss, pulling her as close to him as possible on a park bench in the middle of the Bronx. When they needed air, Ed reluctantly pulled his lips from hers and wrapped his arms tightly around Olivia.

"I've gotcha," he said, leaning back against the bench and folding Olivia into his chest. "I'm right here. You're okay, baby. It's gonna be okay."

"Don't go anywhere," she whispered, nuzzling her face against his shirt, her hand gripping the fabric tightly. "Don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere," he said simply, feeling her body relax slightly. "Ever. I love you, Olivia."

She sniffed and took a deep breath, feeling his strength begin to prop her up and give her back her own strength to face what was ahead of them.

"I love you, too."

* * *

It was pushing one in the morning by the time Olivia and her squad decided to leave the hospital. Mike was resting comfortably, and both Chief Dodds and the doctor promised to keep Olivia apprised of any developments. Ed had assumed he would be taking Olivia straight home, but as they walked hand in hand out of the waiting room and towards the exit, she leaned into him and informed him she needed to stop by the precinct for a bit.

"Alright," Ed said simply. "We'll stop there first."

"No," she whispered, kissing his cheek and tugging on his hand, causing them to stop just shy of the automatic doors leading out to the sidewalk. "Go check on the kids," she urged him. "You know Emma hasn't been able to close her eyes…and I don't know how long I'll be."

"I don't want ya to be alone right now," Ed said simply, shrugging and playing with a strand of Olivia's hair that had fallen from the clip.

"Me neither," she admitted. "But I have to get a couple of reports in, Emma probably desperately needs to see at least one of us, and let's face it…we don't know what the next hour will bring, let alone tomorrow."

Ed knew she was right, but he still hated the thought of her going to the precinct by herself. It wasn't the hour of the night, though he didn't much like that either, he just knew Olivia well enough to know she didn't need to be alone in her head. But Ed also knew that she was right. Emma had held it together well, almost too well, and he needed to get home to her and Noah. Letting out a frustrated sigh, Ed ran his hand over his face before pulling Olivia into his chest and kissing her hair.

"Okay," he said. "Okay."

"So, I'll drop you off, take care of things at the precinct, then come right home. Okay?"

Ed pressed his lips into a thin line and nodded. Taking her hand tightly in his, they walked out of the hospital together, trying to steel themselves for any and all impending aftershocks from the day. He suddenly realized they all came in different cars. Carisi was standing by the cruiser that Olivia had driven them to the hospital in and held up the keys.

"You goin' by the one-six?" He asked, completely oblivious to Ed and Olivia's reluctancy to separate. "I gotta grab some stuff and don't mind driving ya, Lieu."

Olivia nodded and gave him a small smile. "That…works well," she said. "Thanks Carisi."

Ed tugged her hand once more and gave her a quick hug and kiss. "Call me and I'll come get ya?"

Olivia nodded and patted his chest. "Or I'll just Uber," she said simply. "It's okay. Go check on our kids, and I'll see you soon."

Ed stood on the sidewalk, hands in his pockets, and watched as Olivia tossed Carisi the keys and climbed into the passenger seat. His heart fluttered when she used the term "our kids" but for some reason, Ed felt like he couldn't allow himself to feel the full joy of her words. Instead, he watched the cruiser disappear down the street before pulling out his phone as he turned towards his own car.

"Hey Emma," he said. "I'm on my way home, alright? About 20 minutes."

* * *

Olivia sat behind her desk, staring out of the office window at Dodds' empty desk. Her bag was laying half empty on the floor by the coffee table, exactly where she had dropped it when she entered the room. Carisi had followed her in, but quickly got the hint she wasn't up for a conversation. Sonny spent a few minutes at his desk, perhaps clearing out his email, before grabbing a few things and shutting his desk lamp off. He had begun to walk out, but made a pivot back into Olivia's office to check in one more time.

"Sure ya don't want me to wait and drop ya at home?"

"I'm sure," Olivia had said. Her words were soft, but Carisi knew better than to push further.

"Okay," he said, clearly reluctant to leave his boss alone in her office, but he didn't have much of a choice. She clearly was not leaving. "Have a good night, Lieu. Get some rest."

"You too," she said. Once he had departed and the squad room had fallen silent again, Olivia allowed her mind to wander. Half an hour later, she was still staring at the empty desk. The rumble of the building's air conditioning unit startled her, snapping her back into reality. Shuffling some papers around, Olivia went to open her laptop and typed in her password. She knew that she didn't need to fill out this paperwork tonight, but for some reason the idea of going home to sleep in her bed, surrounded by her family, had consumed her with guilt. Why did she get that, while Dodds' family stayed with him at the hospital? How could she allow herself even a moment of peace and relief when it was her detective, _her sergeant_ that was still in that ICU bed? Olivia was convinced she needed to stay at her desk, somehow punishing herself further for how the day had unfolded.

In a daze, she clicked through some junk email, responded to a few easy ones from various precincts, but finally just gave up. Letting out a sigh, she closed the laptop and fell back in her chair, closing her eyes and trying to breath deeply. She shouldn't go home. She didn't deserve to go home, not after everything that had happened. But a little voice in her head kept reminding her that it wasn't just her anymore. Going home also meant seeing her son, who needed his mother. Her eyes teared up at the thought of Noah. She had spent so much of the day consumed with guilt that she barely had time to allow herself to be grateful that her little boy still had her in his life, that Emma and Nate didn't have to go through losing someone else in their life to gun violence, and that Ed wasn't the one going out of his mind, holding her hand as she lay injured in Lincoln Hospital's ICU. Tears began to fall as conflicting emotions flooding her system, not allowing her to form a coherent enough thought to decipher her next move. So Olivia just remained at her desk, the lights in the squad room dimmed, with her head tipped back in her chair, staring at the ceiling, while the tears streamed down her face.

* * *

**_Does Dodds pull through? Emma? Will Olivia let herself go home? Review if you wanna continue._**


	48. Chapter 48

**Chapter 48**

Ed stood outside his apartment building, hands in his pockets, physically unable to force himself to go in. He could hear the sounds of traffic from nearby Ninth Avenue, but their particular street was quiet. Breathing deeply, Ed tried to force his body and his facial muscles to relax. He was beyond exhausted, unhappy to return home without Olivia, and bracing himself for a barrage of questions from his daughter.

_I could really go for a cigarette_, Ed thought before scolding himself. He had given up smoking years ago after a brief lung cancer scare and, other than a few hiccups, hadn't looked back since. The past year had been his biggest test, and he was proud of himself for not once allowing himself to slip. So even as he stood in the cool April night air, desperately needing a way to relax, he stood firm in his resolve to never light up again.

Ed shuffled a bit and leaned against the brick railing that bordered the tiny garden area outside of the building's entrance. He stood just out of the way of the doorman, as to avoid a conversation, but Ed knew that the man could see him. Their night doorman was sharp, something Ed never appreciated that much until Emma, and now Olivia and Noah, had permanently moved in. Whenever he had to work late, he felt confident that his family was safe and protected, or as protected as they could be, in the apartment. Outside of the apartment was a different story, and as Ed rolled his neck around in circles to stretch a bit, he couldn't help but replay the bits and pieces of the day he knew about. As awful as he felt for Mike Dodds and his family, the relief Ed felt that it wasn't Olivia in that house was palpable. His heart ached at her pain, her self blame, and he remained furious at Chief Dodds, but for the moment Ed allowed those emotions to fade into the background as he stood in the cool, April air and reminded himself that Olivia, his Olivia, was safe and unharmed. She was finishing up paperwork at the precinct and coming home. To him. He shot her a quick text, wanting to remind her that she had people at home who loved her and supported her, then pocketed his phone and shook his body a little. Taking a deep breath, he rubbed his hand over his face before making his way inside, bidding hello to the doorman, and stepping into the elevator.

He suddenly started playing possible conversations in his head on what exactly to say to Emma. She undoubtedly had been watching the news and when she checked in with him throughout the day, he was gentle but honest with her. He made clear that Olivia was not, at any point, in the line of fire, and Emma's tone had remained calm and even. It surprised Ed, but then again, he thought, maybe it shouldn't. His daughter was stronger than he often gave her credit for. _Strong like Olivia_, Ed thought and smiled to himself as the elevator doors opened to his floor. He took a quick right turn and stood outside of the apartment door for a few seconds before finally unlocking and entering quietly, in case Emma had fallen asleep. The apartment was dim, save for the under-lighting in the kitchen and the soft glow of the television in the living room. Ed toed off his shoes, shrugged his blazer off and wandered into the main living area, tossing it over the back of a barstool.

"Hey dad," Emma said softly. She hit mute on the television and sat up a bit straighter from where she had curled into a ball on one end of the couch. Her hair was in a messy bun on top of her head, pieces sticking out all over, and her blue-rimmed glasses were perched a little lower than usual on her face.

"Hey kiddo," he said, walking over and kissing her head. "Were ya asleep?"

"No," she said, but yawned and stretched. "I tried to rest my eyes, but I don't think I ever actually drifted off."

Ed nodded and squeezed her shoulder. "You okay if I take a quick shower?"

"Of course," she said. "Noah's asleep. He woke up around midnight, asking for Olivia, but drifted back off when I laid down with him."

"I'll be extra quiet," Ed said softly, "and be right back."

Emma stood up, the blanket pooling at her feet, and she stumbled around the couch to give her dad a quick hug. "Take your time, Daddy," she whispered, squeezing him tight. "I'll make some coffee?" She correctly assumed they would be staying awake and chatting, waiting on Olivia to get home.

Ed smiled into the top of his daughter's head and held her tightly for a few more seconds. "Sounds great, sweetheart. I won't be long."

Emma crept into the kitchen, not bothering to add anymore light to the room. She was enjoying the dark ambience a bit too much. Quickly starting a pot of coffee, making a full one under the assumption Olivia would be coming home soon as well, she pulled mugs from the cabinet, set them by the brewing pot, and took a look around. Emma still hated kitchens. She particularly hated them when she was alone, or when things were tense in her life. It was no longer a constant trigger whenever she wandered in the room, but in moments like this one, she hated them. Biting her lip, she made herself look around and internally point out all the ways in which this kitchen, this moment, was different than the one nearly a year ago. She must have been out of it for a while because the beeping of the ready-to-drink coffee startled her so badly she almost knocked the mugs off the counter.

"Dammit," she muttered, steadying herself. Biting her lip, she decided to take another one of her anxiety pills before settling in to talk with her father. She looked at the clock and couldn't quite remember when she took it last, but she shrugged. "It can't hurt," she said to herself, knowing it had definitely been less than a couple of hours. Wandering down the hall to her bedroom where she kept her prescriptions locked in the top drawer of her nightstand, she decided medicated was better than overly anxious and emotional.

* * *

"When's Olivia getting home," Emma asked as she settled back into the couch with her father. Ed sat on the opposite end, letting out a sigh as he propped his feet on the coffee table and took a long, slow sip from his steaming mug.

"I called her when I got out of the shower," Ed admitted. He hadn't been able to fully just let her have space. By the time he was showered and dressed in sweats, he had to hear her voice again. "She said soon."

"Is Sergeant Dodds gonna be okay?"

Ed took another sip of coffee and rested the mug on his stomach as he pondered how to answer. "For now it seems like he will be," he answered honestly. "They repaired the damage and stopped the bleeding. He was awake and talking to Liv before we left the hospital."

"That's good."

Ed allowed the silence to blanket them for a few minutes before he shifted and turned towards his daughter. "And you? How are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine," Emma said with a small smile. "It'll be good to actually see Olivia, ya know…" Her voice tapered off, but Ed knew exactly what she meant. Emma needed to prove to herself that everything was really okay in her immediate world. A need that Ed understand deeply. "I just wanna see her. Then maybe I can actually get some sleep and give you your space."

Ed scrunched his face up. "What do you mean by that?"

Emma shrugged. "I just figure after the day you've both had, the last thing you need is me being in the way."

Taking some time to study his daughter's face, he couldn't identify any particular emotion. She had what had become her usual tired, dazed eyes and rigid, tense jaw which was identical to his. Curled up in a ball and under a fuzzy, cream colored blanket, she made it relatively impossible for him to read any other body language that may have been able to give him insight as to how she was feeling.

"Being home with my family is exactly what I need right now," Ed said firmly. "And exactly what Olivia needs, too."

Emma looked up at him with watery eyes, but he saw her push the tears back down. "I just, ya know, don't wanna add to your plate."

"You're my daughter," Ed replied quickly. "You don't _add _anything to my plate. You're my kid. I'm your dad. That's how this works."

"Still…"

"No," Ed said. "You're seventeen years old. My job is to take everything in. And that will still be my job, even when you're all grown up and not needing me."

"Dad…"

Ed's phone went off, interrupting their conversation, and Ed smiled as he announced that Olivia was in an Uber and would be home in a few minutes. Correctly guessing where Emma's thoughts went, he spoke up before she could get up and shift around. "She needs to see you, too, sweetheart." He patted her arm and watched her eyes light up just a tiny bit. "Damn, it's almost three in the morning?"

Emma nodded, subsequently yawning causing them both to chuckle. "I gotta go to school in…a few hours," she said rolling her eyes. "That English Lit test will go well…"

"Want me to call you in sick?"

"Nah," Emma said. "I'll be fine."

"Let me know if ya change your mind."

The conversation ended there and the Tucker duo sat, staring blankly at the television until they heard keys in the door and the locks click. Ed shot up from the couch, earning an amused smirk from Emma, and beelined for the door as Olivia slipped in, turned all the locks, and immediately shed her shoes and jacket.

"Hey," she sighed, allowing Ed to immediately take her into his arms and hold her tightly, in the exact way he had been yearning to all day, but couldn't fully execute until they were home and away from prying eyes and ears.

"Hey yourself," Ed whispered into her hair, rubbing her back and swaying them both slightly as they remained in the small foyer of their apartment. Emma watched them from where she remained curled up on the couch and smiled. It was hard not to see just how much they loved each other, how much they needed each other. And despite the growing voice in her head telling her that perhaps she was in the way, watching them in that moment quelled the voice. Olivia was becoming her family, too.

Ed traced his finger around the shell of Olivia's ear, still clinging to her with his other arm, as she nuzzled her face into his chest. "I'm so glad to be home," she murmured. "So glad."

"Me too," Ed whispered, squeezing her to him once more and kissing her head, before allowing her to pull away and peer around him.

"Hey, Emma," she said, moving towards the couch. Emma hopped up and quickly moved to Olivia, letting out a breath she didn't realize she was holding in as soon as she was folded into the older woman's chest. "I'm so happy you're still awake," Olivia whispered, tentatively kissing her head and not relinquishing her hold just yet.

"Are you okay?" Emma's voice was muffled, as she hadn't left her spot in Olivia's arms, and it caused a small smile to grace Olivia's face.

"I'm okay," she said firmly, rubbing her back before pulling away slightly and cupping Emma's face, looking right into her eyes. "I'm just fine," she repeated. "And so, so glad to see you."

Emma smiled and wiped away a stray tear. "I made coffee," she announced, but instead pulled Olivia in for one more quick hug. "Are you tired? Hungry? I can make you a cup?"

Letting out a laugh, Olivia played with Emma's messy bun and pulled her into her side, turning around and walking them towards the kitchen where Ed was standing, observing the sweet scene in front of him. "Coffee sounds pretty good," she admitted. "I'm gonna peek in on Noah and shower, then I'll be back out."

"We'll be here," Emma said simply, moving away and into the kitchen, busying herself with something that Olivia couldn't quite see. Instead, she moved and fisted Ed's navy blue t-shirt and kissed his lips, her eyes pleading with him.

"I'll start the shower for ya," Ed said. "Em, we'll be out in a bit?"

"Take your time," she said with a shrug. "I may try to look over my notes…I give up on sleep."

They all shared a laugh as Ed and Olivia disappeared down the hallway, hand-in-hand. They paused at Noah's door, Ed kissing her once again and softly patting her behind. "Go see your boy," he encouraged. "I'll be ready when you are."

When Olivia hadn't appeared in the bathroom after twenty minutes, Ed cut the water off and wandered down the hallway. He first peeked all the way into the living room, where he saw Emma dozing off while sitting on the couch. Her head would occasionally drop before she caught herself and tried to refocus her dazed eyes at the open textbook and papers spread on the coffee table. Not seeing Olivia with her, he crept back down the hallway and quietly pushed open Noah's door. What he saw there caused his heart to constrict.

Olivia had wedged herself between Noah and the wall, and the little boy was peacefully snoozing on his mother's chest, clutching her shirt in his fist, while Olivia rested on his pillow, eyes closed, breathing deeply signaling that she, too, was fast asleep.

* * *

Friday was a blur for everyone. Ed and Emma didn't sleep at all the night before, as they had both camped out on the couch. Olivia snoozed for a few hours with Noah before she startled awake and drug herself into the shower then joining the others. But within the hour, she had gotten dressed and was ready to head back to the hospital. Ed found himself going back and forth with her, trying to convince her to take it easy. Maybe have breakfast with him and Noah, and then head up, but her resolve was steely and her face was tense. Emma observed the scene from where she was making her to-go cup of coffee for school and quietly decided to make Olivia one as well. She knew her dad was on the end of a losing battle.

"Fine," Ed said. "I'll get Noah to daycare on my way in."

He could tell that statement got to Olivia, but she quickly shoved it down and went to hug and kiss her little boy.

"Bye, sweet boy," she said, holding him tightly and closing her eyes briefly. "Love you."

She straightened up and smiled at Emma, as she handed her the prepared coffee. "Thanks, Em," she said. "I'll see you later?"

Emma just nodded and watched as Olivia walked quickly to the door.

"Liv," Ed called, almost desperately, as he followed after her. "Hey," he said, grasping her arm. "Bye?"

Olivia paused, realizing she was about to stalk off, and turned to say a quick goodbye to Ed. He cradled her face and kissed her lips quickly a few times, before leaning back and tracing her jaw.

"I love you, Liv," he whispered. "Call me?"

"Promise. I love you, too."

And with that, she was gone, leaving Ed, Emma, and Noah to look at each other, shrug, and try to continue on with their day.

* * *

"Knock knock."

Olivia looked up from her laptop, glasses perched on her nose, and gave Fin a small, tired smile.

"You gonna go home anytime soon?" He asked in a not-so-gentle way as he plopped down into a chair. "It's late, Liv. And I know you didn't sleep last night."

Olivia took her glasses off and leaned back in her chair slightly, retying her messy ponytail. She knew she looked like hell. After waking up with a stiff neck in Noah's bed, she had taken a shower and hadn't even bothered to blow dry her hair, just threw it up as she was eager to get to the hospital for the morning update on Dodds.

"My Sergeant was shot," she said, her voice short and void of most emotion. "It isn't time for me to sleep, Fin."

He eyed her closely and carefully calculated his next words. Fin knew Olivia almost better than she knew herself. Her default setting when things spiraled out of control was to totally shut down and power through. She would run herself into the ground before even considering admitting that she was tired. Over the years, and particularly more recently, Fin had noticed that tendency shift. Olivia had been more willing to leave the office on time, especially as she learned to trust Dodds, and from what he could tell, would lean on Ed when she needed. But Fin was worried that this near-tragedy with Dodds would set her back to her old ways, and he was there to make sure it didn't happen.

"Liv, there ain't nothin' that needs to be done right now," he said quietly. "Go home."

She closed her eyes and allowed her face to fall into her hands, elbows resting on her desk.

"Stop it," Fin said, correctly guessing where her mind had gone. "I know you won't believe me, but this isn't your fault. Fuck what the chief said to you."

"You know about that?" Olivia's head had snapped back up, eyes wide with surprise.

Fin shrugged. "Yeah," he said. "Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. But, I may have had a head's up from Tucker."

Olivia scoffed and rolled her eyes. "What, are you two best friends now?"

"Hell no," Fin said, but there was a joking tone to his statement. "We just have something really important in common."

Sitting back and studying her friend, Olivia took some deep breaths and tried to allow Fin's words to sink in. After originally being hurt and distrustful of her relationship with Ed, apparently Fin had now teamed up with her boyfriend to make sure she wasn't killing herself over the Munson case.

"Now," Fin continued, looking over at the clock on her wall. "It's after eight. You got here at seven this morning."

"How do you know that?"

Fin ignored her question and continued. "I'm gonna send Rollins and Carisi to check on Dodds. And you're going home."

"But…"

"No buts," he said. "Just consider this practice for my upcoming exam."

Olivia's face broke into a smile. "You signed up?"

Fin stood up and narrowed his eyes. "I did," he said. "And in exchange for my sacrifice, you're going to go home and stay there until Sunday morning."

Olivia raised her eyebrow and smirked. "Am I allowed one hospital visit tomorrow, boss?"

Fin pretended to think about it for a minute, before nodding. "But just one," he teased, standing in the doorway while Olivia threw her stuff in her purse and closed her laptop. As she began to walk out, Fin gripped her arm softly. "Liv, I'm serious," he said, looking her straight in the eyes. "You gotta take your foot off the gas tonight. Let Ed take care of you. Hang with Noah and Emma. I promise you will know if anything changes, or if you are needed."

Touched, and feeling her emotions bubble up, Olivia didn't say anything. She pulled Fin in for a quick hug, and patted his shoulder as she pulled away and headed towards the elevator.

"Thanks, Fin."

As he watched Olivia exit the squad room, Fin stood and stared towards the now empty corridor.

"I gotchu, boss," he said to himself, before pulling his phone out a firing off a text.

_Mission accomplished, Tucker._

* * *

An hour later, Olivia was curled up against Ed's chest on the couch, slowly sipping a glass of wine he had waiting for her upon her arrival. Ed had prepared a light dinner, knowing she was still not quite herself but needing to feed her. Noah was bathed and already in bed, but he hadn't fallen asleep. So while Ed fixed up their plates, she went and spent some needed time with her little boy, singing to him softly until he fell asleep, clutching a stuffed elephant she didn't recognize. Wandering back out into the kitchen, she inquired about the new animal and Ed shrugged.

"Saw it on my way home," he said simply. "It was soft and for some reason…well, I bought it."

Olivia smiled, made him put down his serving utensils, kissing him deeply.

"Wow," he said with a smile as they finally parted. "I should buy more stuffed elephants."

Letting out a deep belly laugh, Olivia playfully smacked his arm and grabbed her plate. They ate at the bar, bantering back and forth, before Olivia stretched and yawned. Ed cleared the dishes and then they retreated to the couch.

"Where's Emma?"

Ed looked up at the clock. "She was taking a shower," he said, suddenly realizing how long she'd been in the back. "Maybe she fell asleep?"

Olivia moaned a little bit and buried her face in Ed's chest. "Is she okay?"

"She seems to be."

Resting her chin on his peck, Olivia peered up into Ed's eyes. "Are _we_ okay?"

Ed's face softened and he shifted their bodies so he could cup her face with both of his hands. Nuzzling her nose, then kissing each eyelid and down her cheeks, he finally pulled back just enough so they could lock eyes. "We are always okay," he whispered. "Always."

"But…"

Ed shook his head. "No buts, Olivia. These last few days….the whole year, actually. I don't know how you're still standing."

Smiling softly, the brown specs in Olivia's eyes sparkled. "Luckily, I have Noah. And you. And Emma. And Nate, too."

"And we are right here," Ed promised her. "Right. Here."

Olivia settled back into his chest, but she couldn't quite relax. "I'm going to check on Emma," she said quietly. "Don't go anywhere…"

"Wouldn't dream of it," Ed said, leaning back and smirking as he watched Olivia pad down the hallway. He closed his eyes and began to think about ways to get his family away for a bit, maybe give them some breathing space. After a few minutes, he sat up and reached for his iPad, looking up flights and hotels for various destinations.

_Yes_, Ed thought to himself. _This is exactly what we all need._

* * *

Emma was standing by her nightstand, having just shut and locked the drawer, with her back to the door when Olivia peeked her head in.

"Emma?"

She jumped and let out a yelp, turning around quickly.

"Sorry," Olivia breathed out quickly, moving into the room. "I'm so sorry…"

"It's okay," Emma replied breathlessly. "I'm just…jumpy. As usual."

Olivia carefully studied her face, head cocked to the side. Her eyes were glazed and swirling a bit, and she seemed unsteady on her feet. Initially chalking it up to the scare, Olivia gave her a small smile.

"Can I hang out for a bit?"

"Sure," Emma said, shrugging. She reached for a blanket that was thrown across her beanbag chair, but stumbled a bit.

Olivia quickly moved towards her and held her up, keeping a hold of her upper arms and trying to make eye contact. "Emma," she said, searching her eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," she replied, brushing her hair out of her face and stepping back. Olivia kept her hands near the girl's body, but let go reluctantly. "I'm fine. I just…didn't sleep last night. Had to stare at words and screens all day at school. Guess I'm just out of it."

Giving her a small smile, Olivia nodded. "Here," she said, leading her to the bed. "Why don't you lay down."

Emma shook her head a bit, but after a few seconds moved to her bed and collapsed onto the mattress and pillows. Olivia went to sit down on the edge of the bed, and reached up to brush her cheek lightly.

"Did you take anything?"

Nodding, Emma point to the nightstand. "Just my usual anxiety meds that I take before bed," she said. "I really am okay. Just tired."

Olivia didn't say much, but she kept her hand to her cheek. "Sure?"

Emma didn't respond and swallowed hard. "You must be so tired, Olivia."

"I am. I'll probably collapse into bed as soon as I make sure you're okay."

The pair looked at each other for a while. Olivia moved her hand from Emma's face to grip her hand, smiling when Emma squeezed it tightly. "I'm fine, Liv," she whispered, her swirling eyes beginning to close, even though she fought it.

"I love you, Emma," Olivia whispered, kissing her forehead before standing up and heading towards the door.

"I love you too, Olivia."

Olivia stood in the doorway, watching as Emma fell into a deep sleep, before closing the door and heading back down the hallway to Ed.

"She okay?"

"No," Olivia sighed. "But she's asleep. And that's…exactly where I wanna be. With you."

Ed tossed the iPad aside and stood up, taking Olivia's hands and leading her down the hall.

"I like the way you think, Lieutenant."


End file.
